Miss Spider Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 (edited) You save a lot of time by nexting time wasters like this that do push/pull, distant/stringing along behavior. If you don’t, you could put years down the drain like some people here.Don’t bother with it if you’re a mature individual who knows what they want. Edited January 9, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 6 hours ago, Menara said: I did bounce shortly after that and he came back! Were you forced to interact with him? 1
Ami1uwant Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 10 hours ago, Menara said: Thank you for your comments. Ami1uwant - to answer your questions about his separation: - things seem quite final. They have a separation agreement, have split assets etc. and have agreed to process the divorce as soon as permitted by law (one year after separation). They are definitely not getting back together. - he was quite surprised by her wanting a separation. They was no preliminary discussion about it: it just fell on his head one day when she presented him with a separation agreement, a proposed plan for splitting assets etc. She was not open to doing therapy, or even discussing the reasons for her wanting a separation. He suspects that she might have met someone else, but they didn't discuss it, and I think he doesn't really want to know. - the separation has been quite a shock for him, and this was not something that he wanted. - he says that he accepts the situation and has no desire to get her back. That he wants to move on, and wishes to have another long term relationship in the future. he is nowhere near ready to date. I was married. The last 3 yrs we had problems snd did counseling. The means about being divorced surprised me ( long story) but I didn’t have an issue with it and the divorce was fine with no issues. I was fine for dating a few months after my divorce was final.
Ami1uwant Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 9 hours ago, Menara said: Ruby Slippers: I don't think this necessarily applies to all people who separate. My case is a good example: my ex husband and I separated two years ago. I left him after a year of trying to make things work and we were clearly failing at it. He was quite devastated and angry at first. Then he met someone three months later, and they have now bought a house together and are getting married. I had also gotten involved in a long-term relationship almost immediately which didn't work out for reasons other than me not being ready for a new relationship. sure there are certain circumstance where peop,e are legally separated but still married. It’s usually due to health insurance reasons or assets that can’t be split now Rationalization by an addict... your gut feeling...that is not. You are interested in him and want him. He isn’t ready.
Wiseman2 Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 Sorry this is happening. He's too high risk to date, if you're looking for a solid relationship. He's still married and just looking for a warm body right now. 12 weeks is a good time to cut your losses before you get invested in this. His situation will lead you to nothing but headaches and heartaches. . 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 Menara, you are the rebound. Nearly the textbook definition of it. All his talk of combining families (which is absurd at this stage, in and of itself) is a reflection of how badly hurt he is by the separation and how much he misses his wife - not feelings for you. He's trying to re-create the married family life that was recently torn out from under him. He's slotting you in and it's quite obvious he isn't as much into you as he is into the idea of making his world familiar and comfortable again and trying to numb the pain. You are going to get hurt when he wakes up and realizes that you cannot fill his wife's absences, and that needs to process the end of his marriage.
Author Menara Posted January 9, 2021 Author Posted January 9, 2021 ExpatInItaly - yes, I think you are quite right. I hadn't really thought about it this way, but what you say makes so much sense. It explains all the weird behaviour and talk evolving around kids and marriage etc. which at this stage of a relationship is so so premature. He's like 10 steps ahead and 20 steps behind. He has been talking about his ex quite a bit, how much he's been hurt by the separation, how hard things are for him etc. Clearly not the talk of someone who is ready to move into a new phase of life! I guess I was a bit blinded by his charm (he's very charismatic) and was somewhat minimizing red flags in my head because I felt I had finally met someone who I can connect with mentally and physically. That being said, I agree that everyone here is right. This is not going anywhere. He's been feeding me crumbs and I deserve so much more! I do intend on not just disappearing on him, but just telling him (once again!!) that I feel the timing of our meeting is off unfortunately. That I feel he still needs to process his separation before heading into a new relationship, but even if he feels that he's ready, what he's been giving me is insufficient for my happiness. I want to be with someone who wants to see me regularly and who will take the initiative to make that happen. I want to be with someone who leaves no doubt in my head in regards to his desire for me, who makes me feel wonderful not insecure. I won't leave the door open this time though. He already had his second chance. 4
Versacehottie Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 (edited) 13 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Were you forced to interact with him? Yeah ^^^ agreed. I think you are mistaking the fact that he came back as a sign that things are different with his level of emotional availability and how dating him makes you REALLY feel. It's the same and it wasn't really a sign of much other than he's lonely and you're an easy option. Your boundaries need to be stronger and you'd need more than one phone call back to really prove that he's ready for something. It's kind of shocking that you would put his needs before your own and didn't you say it's emotional abuse (way reaching!) to not give him a chance now that you've let him back in? That's nuts, rationalization and just misguided and misuse of the word, sorry. Glad you are deciding to end it. I don't think you should actively hold on but it's totally possible if you handle this well and with self-respect and don't let a pattern set in where you are a doormat that he could be back when he IS ready. I'm think you will feel a marked difference if he's really ready and considering what's happened so far--you'd need proof & to really hear/see it. Edited January 9, 2021 by Versacehottie 1
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