Afraid to commit?

[Purple1234]

I've been dating this guy for about two months. Things have been truly amazing! So much so, that it scared me for awhile. We have a great time together. We recently went away for the weekend and had a fantastic time. But now, he seems to be afraid. He told he's scared because he's afraid "it's too good to be true." He also said he's having trouble "transitioning" to being in a relationship because he was single for a long time. He says he doesn't want to break up. I really do not know what to do. I just know I do not want to lose him. Any thoughts?

[Gaeta]

It's a known phenomena that after a man had a lot of togetherness with his partner he will distance himself a bit to rebuild himself, like after a weekend away together. If you don't live together he'll stay home for a bit, if you live together he'll spend more time in his garage, basement, where ever he has identified as his cave. So no panic. 

Yes it's normal after 2 months it feels it's too good to be true, you're in the honeymoon phase, it could last another 6 months to a year depending how much time you spend together. 

His difficulty to transitioning tells me you're spending too much time together and he has to give up on some of his time alone, hobby, time with friends & family to be with you.  

My suggestion to you is to tone it down. At 2 months dating you should see each other 2-3 times a week top. How often do you see each other?

I had been single almost 10 years when I met my ex-bf and I did not have any difficulty transitioning, our relationship started slow, our first weekend away was 4 months in. 

Edited January 8, 2021 by Gaeta

[Ami1uwant]

47 minutes ago, Purple1234 said:

I've been dating this guy for about two months. Things have been truly amazing! So much so, that it scared me for awhile. We have a great time together. We recently went away for the weekend and had a fantastic time. But now, he seems to be afraid. He told he's scared because he's afraid "it's too good to be true." He also said he's having trouble "transitioning" to being in a relationship because he was single for a long time. He says he doesn't want to break up. I really do not know what to do. I just know I do not want to lose him. Any thoughts?

pits commin if you had dating bad luck that if you find something good there may be doubts as to why? Something missed? There is a skeleton in the closet.

 

you coukd be spending to much time together where he has given up some things he misses.  Like night out with guys.

 

Covid restrictions and limits have also been a factor. If you are used to close in person social interaction and now haven’t had it for 6+ months you might go all in on first real chance you get.  Because of changes you might not be seeing the real person.

 

other factors are things like work or life stresses.

 

 

[Purple1234]

We only see each other 1-2 times per week. But last weekend, we were away Friday to Sunday. We didn't see each other again until last night. He wants alone time this weekend, which is completely fine. I probably am panicking for no reason. 

[Gaeta]

So, last time you saw him past Sunday, then Thursday last night and he's requiring this weekend alone? To me that sounds fishy. Are you exclusive? What are his plans for his weekend alone? 

[smackie9]

let him have his weekend alone to sit and game or do whatever.

Just a reminder, having space and a life outside your relationship keeps it healthy. Go find something fun to do this weekend. Talk to your Gfs, paint your nails, shop on line, drink some wine binge on some movies.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

It's a known phenomena that after a man had a lot of togetherness with his partner he will distance himself a bit to rebuild himself, like after a weekend away together. If you don't live together he'll stay home for a bit, if you live together he'll spend more time in his garage, basement, where ever he has identified as his cave. So no panic. 

I do this too and I'm a woman.  Time apart is healthy.

 

[trident_2020]

2 hours ago, Purple1234 said:

We only see each other 1-2 times per week. But last weekend, we were away Friday to Sunday. We didn't see each other again until last night. He wants alone time this weekend, which is completely fine. I probably am panicking for no reason. 

It's only 8 weeks. Why would you even entertain having such an emotional reaction after a relatively short time?

Read about avoidant vs clingy attachment styles. You sound like the latter and him the former.

It can work but it's a heck of a ride especially for the clingy partner.

 

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

It's only 8 weeks. Why would you even entertain having such an emotional reaction after a relatively short time?

I would not call that an emotional reaction, she is questioning things, and it's good. I don't think it's normal for a guy to ask for space after 8 weeks dating when he spares only 1-2 dates a week for her. 

[trident_2020]

21 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I would not call that an emotional reaction

Panic isn’t as emotional reaction?

[Emilie Jolie]

4 hours ago, Purple1234 said:

Any thoughts?

Yes 🙂.

My take (based on experience as the guy), is that he is being honest with you, ie he doesn't want to break up.

As trident_2020 says, it'll likely be a bumpy ride - but hopefully worth it eventually.

The only reason he's putting you both through it (I'm sure he's not blind, he knows the effect it has on you, and he's probably not feeling too great about it) is because he thinks you're more than worth it. People like us don't do this for anyone!

If you want it to work, you'll have to be the secure one for a bit. Don't rise to it, little by the little things will settle if you give him time.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

It's only 8 weeks. Why would you even entertain having such an emotional reaction after a relatively short time?

Read about avoidant vs clingy attachment styles. You sound like the latter and him the former.

It can work but it's a heck of a ride especially for the clingy partner.

 

First off to the OP, what is it you want him to commit to after only two months?   

Secondly, if what trident posted above is true, then therein lies the problem.

If you're acting clingy and asking (pushing) for more time spent together, any man (not just an avoidant) is going to push back from that a bit.  Perhaps feel a bit pressured and suffocated.

If you allow him to move towards you at his own pace, he will relax more, feel less pressured and actually want to spend more time with you, on his own, not because you asked or are pushing for it.

Personally, I find nothing at all unusual with him wanting a weekend alone.  I myself often needed weekends to myself in the early stages of our relationship.

Nothing wrong with it imo as long as your connection is strong and everything else is going well.

Edited January 8, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

When something feels off it usually is off.
He hasn't come back from the weekend away all loved up.
Instead he has said he is scared, he introduced distance and he has planned a week end apart...
You just took one step forward into a relationship and three steps back into casual.
Yes you can hang around waiting till he gets his mind back in order or till he gets his fill of another woman, but if you want a straight forward easy guy to date then this guy isn't it...

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

When something feels off it usually is off.
He hasn't come back from the weekend away all loved up.

Not always.  Sometimes things feel off due to our own insecurities and trust issues, that have nothing to do with our current partner.

Re not feeling loved up after their weekend away, Gaeta posted the below in an earlier post, to which I agree:

>>It's a known phenomena that after a man had a lot of togetherness with his partner he will distance himself a bit to rebuild himself, like after a weekend away together<<

Feeling loved up after a long weekend together is a woman's frame.

Edited January 8, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

Seems to me so many women will put up with complicated, emotionally unavailable, commitment phobic, angst ridden, difficult guys under the guise, that guys  are just like that, its normal..
A few years later, she gets so fed up of all those difficult, spacing and distancing traits, that she wants a divorce or she walks out... or miserably puts up with it all for years or decades.
Had she just said "No, I don't want that" at the start, it will save her years of heart ache in the future. 

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

Seems to me so many women will put up with complicated, emotionally unavailable, commitment phobic, angst ridden, difficult guys under the guise, that guys  are just like that, its normal..
A few years later, she gets so fed up of all those difficult, spacing and distancing traits, that she wants a divorce or she walks out... or miserably puts up with it all for years or decades.
Had she just said "No, I don't want that" at the start, it will save her years of heart ache in the future. 

Bolded, that behavior isn't normal at all, and I agree a woman sticking with men who behave that way are headed for heartbreak.

I just don't think the way the OP's boyfriend is behaving now is all that unusual, it's still very early stages. He is still in the process of moving closer to her and finding his way.  It certainly doesn't reflect he is any of the things you describe above, not imo.

That's not to say he is NOT any of those things, it's only been two months, time will tell.

I mean look at me, I needed some weekends to myself in early stages, I would say throughout the first year.  So did my fiancé, it wasn't all that big a deal.

We spent 1-2 days/nights a week together for the first year and didn't even become exclusive until 2.5 months.

Everyone moves closer to their partner at their own pace.  Women tend to want to move faster (generally speaking), and thus will start pushing.

Big mistake imo as all that typically does is push a man further away.

Have you watched Esther Perel videos?  Woman is a genius, I learned a lot from her!

[Watercolors]

50 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

When something feels off it usually is off.
He hasn't come back from the weekend away all loved up.
Instead he has said he is scared, he introduced distance and he has planned a week end apart...
You just took one step forward into a relationship and three steps back into casual.
Yes you can hang around waiting till he gets his mind back in order or till he gets his fill of another woman, but if you want a straight forward easy guy to date then this guy isn't it...

Agreed. What the OP’s boyfriend has done, is push her away physically because he’s already distanced himself from her emotionally. This is no phenomena. This is what happens when a person realizes that they are not interested long-term in dating the person they’ve been dating. 

This exact technique is used by emotionally unavailable people. They push you away, hoping you’re catch on that they’ve lost interest, and do their dirty work for them.

I had a guy tell me after two months, that he didn’t want to invite me to his family’s at Christmas b/c he didn’t like his sister who would be there. He’d already met my family when I invited him to our Thanksgiving. That must have been enough time for him to decide he didn’t want to date me long-term. As it turns out, his “sister” excuse was just that because...I learned from a friend that he doesn’t have a sister. I didn’t know his family because I hadn’t met them yet. 

15 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Seems to me so many women will put up with complicated, emotionally unavailable, commitment phobic, angst ridden, difficult guys under the guise, that guys  are just like that, its normal..
A few years later, she gets so fed up of all those difficult, spacing and distancing traits, that she wants a divorce or she walks out... or miserably puts up with it all for years or decades.
Had she just said "No, I don't want that" at the start, it will save her years of heart ache in the future. 

I used to be one of those women but I never got married or divorced. But I did put up with a lot of baloney before I caught on WHY the guys were acting “off.” It’s simply because they weren’t interested in me anymore, and didn’t respect me enough to just tell me the straight truth. 

So, OP, if your gut is telling you that his behavior is “off,” that’s because it is. And, you need to seize the opportunity right now to ask him if he’s having doubts about being exclusive with you long-term. And ask him to tell you the truth. If he dances around giving you a straight answer, that’s an answer. It means no, he’s not interested. Sorry to hear you made it 8 weeks only to find out your new boyfriend’s lost interest in you. It happens. All the time.

Don’t settle. If he’s not interested in you anymore, cut yourself lose so that you can get back in the dating game and find a guy you’re more compatible with who won’t start sending you mixed messages and push-pull you because he’s too cowardly to tell you the truth: that he’s lost interest and doesn’t want to date you anymore. 

If you don’t communicate your doubts to him about his behavior, even at 8 weeks, you won’t find out why he’s acting this way. It is not normal to push you away after a 3 day romantic weekend together. It just isn’t. Yes, everyone needs their space but his sudden “I need space” behavior is not a good sign. 

[Miss Spider]

Boy isn’t scared of anything. He just doesn’t to. Relationships take sacrifices. He doesn’t want to do that. If you’re looking for a relationship, I think you should look elsewhere 

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Seems to me so many women will put up with complicated, emotionally unavailable, commitment phobic, angst ridden, difficult guys under the guise, that guys  are just like that, its normal..

If these women - or  these men, let's not be sexist Elaine - are willing to put up with this, it's no longer the avoidant's problem. One might suggest someone's off to charts insecurity can trigger an avoidant response from any sane person of any gender.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Purple, you asked what you should do so that you don't lose him. I'd suggest giving him his space because I don't know of any other response that wouldn't push him further away.

Not saying giving him his space will cause him to stay with you. Just that it's your best bet to that end.

Given the situation you've described, I, too, would feel a little unnerved about it bc my experience has been that after dating eight weeks, by that time, the guy I've dated wants to be with me each weekend. Others on the thread have had different experiences, though, and wouldn't be bothered by his wanting a weekend alone. One poster who is female even wrote that she needed weekends alone during the first year of her dating her fiance.

So we're all different. However, I'd trust your gut about this one. AND give him his space. It may or may not help keep your R with him together but I don't see where you have any other choice.

Find something fun to do and even if you're anxious about it all weekend just realize it's only one weekend. Let the relationship grow at its own pace.

The man I married actually broke up with me while we were first dating because he felt he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, either. I just accepted it and moved on without protesting or trying to get him to stay with me. He came back to me a few days later because he missed me, never broke up with me again and we ended up married. I think sometimes guys or girls get cold feet and get over it IF they aren't pressured about it.

 

Edited January 9, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[cleverusername]

There are 4 parts of group/ relationship building process;

Forming, Norming, Storming, Reforming.

You come meet and come together, transitioning from individuals to a group or pair. Once paired you get to know each other and establish boundaries based on your individual selfs. From there you begin to storm, the established norms begin to change as you mesh more and interact with each other through more situations and over more time. This drives you apart until it’s communicated that the norms are no longer a unified vision. Realizing they need to be adapted after it’s communicated to you, you being to reform new norms as you learn from the past, bringing you together.

It sounds like you are in the transition between storming and reforming. 

[Gaeta]

Concerning men needing space after a weekend together it's something subtle that happens right after, not 7 days later like OP's guy. In my first read l didn't catch on their weekend away had happenned 7 days away already.  Let's not forget he only sees her once a week maybe twice, what does he need space for? At that rate she's not disturbing much of his life. 

OP , what you should do? Nothing. Observe and let him show you what he's made of. Sure he can get  together with friends on weekends but a genuinely interested man would at least offer to spend a little bit of time together on Sunday. 

The guy talks about being scares, usually it's the speech of people that have not made peace with their past hurt.

You saw him last Thursday and you'll see him next weekend,, that's 10 days from now.....really...he's not having sex for 10 days? 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Purple1234 said:

. He told he's scared because he's afraid "it's too good to be true." He also said he's having trouble "transitioning" to being in a relationship because he was single for a long time. 

Ok, 8 weeks is a good time to reflect on things.

No one is "afraid to date". It sounds more like he's setting the table for casual.

Pull back pace yourself. If you want exclusive dating, don't allow people to create loopholes for themselves with lame excuses.

If he were "afraid to date", what is he doing going out there and dating?

[Saracena]

15 hours ago, Purple1234 said:

We only see each other 1-2 times per week. But last weekend, we were away Friday to Sunday. We didn't see each other again until last night. He wants alone time this weekend, which is completely fine. I probably am panicking for no reason. 

What days do you normally meet then? How man weekends have you spend together before this?

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

If these women - or  these men, let's not be sexist Elaine - are willing to put up with this, it's no longer the avoidant's problem.

No sexism. we are taking about a MAN who is distancing himself, it is not an uncommon problem on this forum. We rarely get men coming on her complaining about women who  play the  distancing game.  NO, it is all about guys who fall off the radar after everything is apparently going well. It makes women insecure and question their own sense of judgement or even worth.
This is of course deliberate in many cases, treat her mean keep her keen... but in doing so it is often all ruined from her point of view. What had promise is now spoiled, the trust is gone.

One doesn't need to get all PC about issues that can be gender specific surely?
Not everything needs to be equalised...
It also gets pretty tedious to have to keep saying but women can do this too or men can do this too... WE all know that, surely it doesn't need to keep being spelled out  or repeated ad infinitum?

8 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

. One might suggest someone's off to charts insecurity can trigger an avoidant response from any sane person of any gender.

Is there any indication here that the O\P has off the charts insecurity?