Menara Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 lil_missy: I think you've gotten some good advice here already. I just want to add a few things (and probably repeat things other people have already said). 1) Weight has nothing to do with datability, especially not a size 10/12. That is not skinny for sure, but is also not fat. I'm 160 pounds/5'5" (add or take 10 pounds since my teens), and have learned to rock the whole sexy curves/Marilyn Monroe thingy for quite a while. Men love it. No one ever (not even men with generally a preference for smaller women) have ever not liked my body. But I am happy with my appearance. It sounds like you're not. Which takes me to my second point. 2) Men are attracted to confident, happy women. Everyone is. I have know women who were kind of overweight and didn't invest a lot of time in their appearance, and frequently had men hitting on them. But they were happy with their lives and exuded self confidence. Point being: you have to find a way to become more confident and happier. The fact that you are posting dated photos of yourself on dating sites is a clear indicator that you are not happy with your current self. A husband will obviously still love you even if you gained a few pounds but he already loves you. But dating is to get someone new to fall in love with you. You need to give them something to enable that. When entering the dating everyone, everyone, even attractive people, have to step up their game. Sadly we have to think of ourselves as a bit like a product that we are selling. How can we attract potential customers? What will make them come back for more? Everyone's answer to this question is different of course. But from what you are telling us about yourself, here are a few suggestions that I think might help boost your self esteem: - Focus on dropping a few pounds since you are clearly unhappy with your current weight. Start small so as to not get discouraged. Focus on 5 pounds to start with. That will make you a solid size 10, and your figure will look more flattering in clothes. So, just check your diet. Maybe download an app like Weight Watchers. Those work really well. And add some exercise into your week. Pandemic makes things a bit hard, but maybe just focus on getting your 10 000 steps per day, or do a 20-30 minute online exercise routine 3 times per week. Start small so as not to make yourself discouraged, and then ease into it as you gain strength and confidence. Doing regularly exercise will also do wonders for your happiness. When you exercise, it increases endorphins, dopamine, adrenaline and endocannabinoid -- these are all brain chemicals associated with feeling happy, feeling confident, feeling capable, feeling less anxiety and stress. So, I feel that adding exercise into your life will kill two birds with one stone. - What kind of clothes do you wear? Do they make you feel good? Sexy? Do you wear makeup? What kind of hairstyle do you have? Does it suit your face? Pandemic restricts being able to get professional help/consult on a lot of these things, but there's always the internet. If you can't get a haircut, maybe consider freshening up your hair colour? There are some apps where you can upload a photo and "try" different hair colours. Maybe get some hair products that will give new life to your hairstyle. One of my favourites is the salt "beach day" spray. Gives your hair a vacation look. Also look into makeup you could try. Look at makeup tutorials online. See what kind of colours/styles would best match your skin tone and eyes. Get a few products and experiment. Also, do some research on clothes that best fit certain body types, and buy a few things online. Maybe throw in some jewellery and some nice shoes. Make sure that you can return things without paying for shipping. Get a few new clothes and use these as your dating costume. I personally think that a nice knee length black skirt with a nice clingy black top (either slightly revealing or a turtle neck), assorted by some oversized earrings is a sexy yet neutral outfit for a first date. Can't ever go wrong with that, and frankly there's literally no one that kind of outfit doesn't look good on. Feeling better about your looks will go a long way to make you naturally feel more confident and overall happier. 3) Your dating profile. Don't ever use dated photos, unless you look exactly the same. It is neither serving you nor the person you intend on dating. You're wasting everyone's time, and set yourself up for rejection which will further impact your self-confidence. If you can afford it, get a professional photographer to take some photos (this might cost you 150-180$). I'm a photographer and have done quite a few sessions of people wanting good photos for their profiles. In a world where people on online dating sites 99% judge you based on your looks, good recent photos are key. If you can't afford a photographer, then ask a friend to take some photos. Make sure to wear something nice. Find a spot in the house with good light. Take some photos outside as well. Make them dynamic like you throwing snow in the air. Look happy on your photos. Think happy thoughts when the person is taking your picture. Also, do you have a profile description? Make sure to write something interesting about yourself. Post it here and let people edit it for you! Why not?! Think about what people like about you? What makes you unique? I wish you luck. It's not easy coming out of a long term relationship and being faced with your 20 year older self in the cruelty of the modern dating world. It can be a bit disheartening. You are not alone. Trust me. 5 1
Gaeta Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 @Menara Great post, I'll contact you when I'm ready to get back to dating I'd like to add OP can find online suggestions on photo pauses, like body in a slight angle, arms away from her waist, bringing her face forward and no chin up! I have a friend who's a beautiful woman but the camera hates her! no matter how many pictures she takes of herself she doesn't look herself, so she went to a photographer and he was able to capture what she really looks like. 1
Versacehottie Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 15 hours ago, lil_missy said: I honestly didn't think I looked that bad in the selfie like not hot hot hot but im not ugly I think for alot of people they are not actively trying to deceive you, but they just actually think they haven't changed that much over the years. When you look at yourself everyday you don't really notice the changes I just feel.bummed like he saw one pic of me and didn't want to talk to me anymore. I just didn't think I was that ugly Well I msged him this morning he is still replying to me, but not initiating and eager like before I'm honestly not that negative, I don't feel negative about myself. Yes I could lose some weight but it is the rejection that made me feel negative. I think you don't have the right perspective to judge this. It's pretty hard to separate yourself, your ego and all that from how a stranger who is looking to be attracted views you. Just from our written communication on this thread, people are telling you the deception, the weight gain, the negative vibe, a head and shoulders pic are all things that aren't going to work in your favor. You can't be delusional about that and stick your head in the sand. The number one thing I've heard guys complain about from dating sites IS old photos and women who are significantly heavier than their photos. They are effectively complaining about the deception, number one and perhaps the weight number two. There are plenty of overweight women who have met their significant other online and I'm guessing that's because they did NOT bait and switch. That makes people mad in general. You have to be real about who you are. Your friend doesn't want to hurt your feelings. A head and shoulders photo conveys virtually the same thing unless accompanied by other recent photos that are full body--it says you have something to hide and might not be like your photos indicate. I would also say that weight gain shows up in face, shoulders, neck area as well--not as much but also. I think the guy you were talking to kept your as an option and is lukewarm about you but no longer excited. That's because of the deception. About the negativity, well TBH, it was kind of all over your first posts on this thread. At least that you were in a bad headspace, a not confident one. Doesn't mean that you don't have a hopeful outlook--which if that's what you mean about you not being negative that's a good thing and you should build on it. But do it with realistic progress behind the scenes and stuff you can be confident about. Right now you are trying to fool someone and get disappointed when it doesn't work or if they are half-hearted about you. It's going to take an effort and confidence for you to either present as you are now and/or to improve yourself. 44 pounds is significant, not unnoticeable. It's a whole other half a person or a small child's weight onto your body. Just trying to bring you back to earth about that one. You need to move or do something physical every day or 6 days a week to get back in touch with yourself: like a mind-body connection; that will help with both depressed feelings you are having and a more realistic sense of where you are weight wise. I think sometimes when a person has gone through a traumatic life event and gained a lot of weight as a result, they kind of keep mind/body unconnected to stop feeling the pain and self-sooth, which the end result becomes a new problem, ie with weight gain. So apart from normal weight loss stuff, moving even with a simple walk every day will help your mind and body reconnect; it gives a more clear sense of who you are in the world. As far as your weight loss strategy, focus on eating properly. It's 80% or the majority of what your weight loss will come from. So if you have limited time/energy/effort put it towards the eating portion of what you do. Especially at 22 kilos overweight, you will have more rapid results this way too. Goodluck 1 1
Backinthesaddleagain Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 Do you want someone to be attracted to the real you? Then be the real you. When you try to be someone you are not, you will attract someone that isn't what you want. Birds of a feather and all that. As others have stated, confidence is a big part of attraction and should not be overlooked. Work on yourself first before getting out there so you can shine when you are ready. Also, be honest with yourself!!! A 30-40% weight gain is not a minor thing. You look nothing like you used to... I have lost 50 lbs in the last year (-25% body weight) and everyone I see immediately comments on my weight loss- and I'm a man. People always notice weight, but not many will say "Hey! Looks like you've gained a bunch of weight!" because it is rude and most people aren't that obnoxious. But almost everyone will say something immediately when you lose it, like "Hey! have you lost weight? You look great!" Think about that. So, whether you decide to lose weight or not, decide what you want in life and go for it! 3
dramafreezone Posted February 2, 2021 Posted February 2, 2021 (edited) Appearance does matter. Sorry if that seems shallow but it's the truth. And we men know about the " shoulder up" photos. I won't even entertain them. It's deceptive. I'm not averse to a plus-sized woman, but at least own it. You don't have to be some supermodel, but men in their 30s are not much different from men in their 20s. We know that women aren't going to look like they're 20, but we still like women that take care of themselves, at least if we're doing the same. Get in the gym, take pride in yourself and that will be good enough. Edited February 2, 2021 by dramafreezone 4
verhrzn Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 I think you, and some of the posts here, are maybe a tad over-focused on your weight gain. You're talking about being depressed that you're not getting much attention, and wonder if it's due to weight... But consider that dating in your 30's is also just very different from dating in your 20's in general. There are less single people, for one; even the available single folks will have additional responsibilities, lifestyles and goals than they did before. Folks in their 30's who have been dating for a while (as opposed to fresh out of a divorce and diving in, like you are) tend to take it a bit slower, and with less focus. They have careers and outside lives. That means regardless of appearance, you're going to get less messages, and less overall attention, than before. Talks about confidence and new pictures are all well and good, but I think it also might be beneficial to embrace a more leisurely approach to online dating. Pause on making it such an intense priority; step back and fill your time and life with other activities that build you up. Treat it more as a hobby than a part-time job, as a metaphor. I think stepping back its importance will make you not only less depressed about the number of messages you receive (cause hey, more messages to come back to!) but also help shift your focus off your appearance. Good luck! 3
StrongHands Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 18 hours ago, dramafreezone said: Appearance does matter. Sorry if that seems shallow but it's the truth. And we men know about the " shoulder up" photos. I won't even entertain them. It's deceptive. I'm not averse to a plus-sized woman, but at least own it. You don't have to be some supermodel, but men in their 30s are not much different from men in their 20s. We know that women aren't going to look like they're 20, but we still like women that take care of themselves, at least if we're doing the same. Get in the gym, take pride in yourself and that will be good enough. I agree with some of the above especially in reference to taking it upon yourself to change things (anything) about yourself IF THAT IS YOUR DESIRE to do so. Sort of like TAKING ownership of yourself. I think that we ALL have a TYPE or what we perceive as attractive and honestly it varies for each of us. Just because I enjoy being fit does not mean that the next person enjoys that. Just because I enjoy long walks on the beach doesn't mean that the next person will enjoy that. We are EACH different and that is a beautiful thing. It is also important to be HAPPY with yourself and the person that YOU are not someone else's perception or opinion of you. "BE HAPPY, REMAIN HAPPY The Perfection Of Your Nature Is Just A Question of TIME" 2
poppyfields Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 9 minutes ago, StrongHands said: ...be HAPPY with yourself and the person that YOU are not someone else's perception or opinion of you. This is so true. Strive for internal validation versus external. Can't speak for others but for me, a person's energy trumps looks every time. Not saying looks aren't important, they are! But when I meet a man for the first time, and we speak/interact for awhile, whether on-line or in person, what I will remember most about him is his energy, not his looks. Re your pic, a way to avoid being rejected is have at least one face and one full body pic on your profile. Not something photo-shopped, or taken from some particular angle with the perfect lighting. That way, a man will see the true you before you even get started. Nothing more awkward than chatting for a bit, not having seen each other's pics, then sending and realizing they don't have the style or look you like. Does not mean you're not attractive! You're just not right for them and once you achieve internal validation versus seeking it externally from outside sources, their opinion of you won't matter as much to you, if at all.
TooManyDates Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 Online dating is pretty bad right now, I wouldn't blame yourself. Winter, lockdowns, covid has really taken a toll - and where are you supposed to even meet up? For a freezing cold walk in the park? 2
josedelamuerte Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 On 1/9/2021 at 1:23 AM, trident_2020 said: Speak for yourself. I'd rather date a thin negative woman than a positive fat one. That's quite blunt, but as much as it pains me to admit it: MeToo. 1
TooManyDates Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 19 hours ago, dramafreezone said: Appearance does matter. Sorry if that seems shallow but it's the truth. And we men know about the " shoulder up" photos. I won't even entertain them. It's deceptive. I'm not averse to a plus-sized woman, but at least own it. You don't have to be some supermodel, but men in their 30s are not much different from men in their 20s. We know that women aren't going to look like they're 20, but we still like women that take care of themselves, at least if we're doing the same. Get in the gym, take pride in yourself and that will be good enough. I call those the head shot queens and they get an instant left swipe. No way will I get ready and drive down to our meeting spot before knowing what she 100% looks like, doctored photos or any of those silly snap chat filters get the left swipe too. 1
Miss Spider Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 Is op even here. Hope she’s leveled up and is reeling them in now 2
peach302 Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 (edited) There's always going to be someone out there who will like you the way you are. There are men who like women who are on the curvier side and men who like slimmer women. You need to try and change your mindset and go and meet different people. Edited February 3, 2021 by peach302
trident_2020 Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 1 minute ago, peach302 said: There's always going to be someone out there who will like you the way you are. There are men who like women who are on the curvier side and men who like slimmer women. You need to try and change your mindset and go and meet different people. Read her first post again. She's ignored on the dating sites. Most guys aren't interested in overweight women. That's a fact. Ignoring it and telling her to get positive and get back out there isn't going to change anything. 1 1
peach302 Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 (edited) 5 minutes ago, trident_2020 said: Read her first post again. She's ignored on the dating sites. Most guys aren't interested in overweight women. That's a fact. Ignoring it and telling her to get positive and get back out there isn't going to change anything. I have friends who are married ..who are on the curvier side. The men they married aren't unattractive and are in good shape. Which is why i said there's someone out there for everyone. I think she's probably swiping left on the wrong people. Edited February 3, 2021 by peach302 1
trident_2020 Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 Just now, peach302 said: I think she's probably swiping on the wrong people. What sort of people do you suggest she swipe on, and what sort of people do you suggest she avoid?
peach302 Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 (edited) 2 minutes ago, trident_2020 said: What sort of people do you suggest she swipe on, and what sort of people do you suggest she avoid? There are levels of superficiality in men. Some are extremely superficial...regardless if they're an oil painting themselves or not. Those are obviously the ones to avoid. As they say OLD is a numbers game. The more different types of people she speaks to the more of a chance she could have in finding someone. It's better than wallowing and thinking no one will ever like her. Edited February 3, 2021 by peach302
trident_2020 Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 Oh, so rather than swiping on particular types of profiles she should swipe on many of them because it's a numbers game and they'll be some right people in there along with the wrong people if she swipes enough. Got it. I hope she has strong fingers
StrongHands Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 Trident, I firmly believe that Peach is giving kind hearted advice and is in NO way trying to minimize or demean the OP’s situation. 1 1
Miss Spider Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, StrongHands said: Trident, I firmly believe that Peach is giving kind hearted advice and is in NO way trying to minimize or demean the OP’s situation. Agree. Sry don’t want to out anyone Edited February 3, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
peach302 Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, trident_2020 said: Oh, so rather than swiping on particular types of profiles she should swipe on many of them because it's a numbers game and they'll be some right people in there along with the wrong people if she swipes enough. Got it. I hope she has strong fingers Isnt that what everyone does ? I've read profiles which say attraction is highly valued. Its high on their list. I've also read profiles which say its not just about outer/physical beauty. Hence different types of people. But im in no way saying the op isn't attractive of course. Beauty is subjective. Edited February 3, 2021 by peach302 2
Miss Spider Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 (edited) 16 minutes ago, trident_2020 said: Oh, so rather than swiping on particular types of profiles she should swipe on many of them because it's a numbers game and they'll be some right people in there along with the wrong people if she swipes enough. Got it. I hope she has strong fingers Everyone on dating apps has strong thumbs from swiping. And to be honest, a lot of people swipe indiscriminately just to get matches and then comb through those for more compatibility. And they do it because it’s a more effective strategy Edited February 3, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1 1
trident_2020 Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 37 minutes ago, peach302 said: But im in no way saying the op isn't attractive of course. She isn't. That's the whole point of this thread.
Miss Spider Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 (edited) 21 hours ago, dramafreezone said: xxx Edited February 3, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
peach302 Posted February 3, 2021 Posted February 3, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, trident_2020 said: She isn't. That's the whole point of this thread. Well we don't know that. Shes basing her value on the opinions or responses of a few people on the app. But like i said, not everyones view of her is going to be the same necessarily I have a friend who has tried OLD. She got a lot of rejections but found one guy who was interested in her. And yes she is a little overweight. Edited February 3, 2021 by peach302 1
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