Ruby Slippers Posted January 8, 2021 Posted January 8, 2021 12 minutes ago, lil_missy said: the photo I used in my profile was an old one of myself at the beach with sunnies on. I looked happy too. Whyyyyyyy do people do this? If you meet up with him, he's going to see immediately that you don't look that. And immediately realize you're a deceptive person who pulled a bait and switch and is wasting his precious time. You're the kind of person who causes a lot of frustration for online daters who are seriously trying to meet someone. Post only accurate, recent pictures that reflect your appearance now. Anything else is just wasting people's time. If you're not happy with your appearance right now, then do something about it instead of trying to deceive people. 8 4
Author lil_missy Posted January 8, 2021 Author Posted January 8, 2021 3 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: Whyyyyyyy do people do this? If you meet up with him, he's going to see immediately that you don't look that. And immediately realize you're a deceptive person who pulled a bait and switch and is wasting his precious time. You're the kind of person who causes a lot of frustration for online daters who are seriously trying to meet someone. Post only accurate, recent pictures that reflect your appearance now. Anything else is just wasting people's time. If you're not happy with your appearance right now, then do something about it instead of trying to deceive people. Well that photo is still me But that's why I suggested we exchange more photos before we met, I didn't want to deceive him And look how badly that turned out I feel bad enough already. But yeh Im Gonna lead with the "real" photos from now on 1
trident_2020 Posted January 8, 2021 Posted January 8, 2021 1 minute ago, lil_missy said: Well that photo is still me You must be joking with that answer. I gotta say, thanks to your posts here, I'm getting a much clearer look inside the heads of the numerous women who deceived me with old pictures when I was online dating. 5 1
Author lil_missy Posted January 8, 2021 Author Posted January 8, 2021 9 hours ago, ShyViolet said: This should not be about getting hit on and getting attention from random guys. Are you actually unhappy with the weight gain and do you want to get healthier and lose the weight? If so, then focus on your health and make changes to your lifestyle. You're not going to attract someone if you are projecting the vibe that you are an unhappy or unhealthy person. Honestly I was not that bothered by the weight gain. Because my husband at the time always told me that he loved me that I wasn't fat, and we had great sex and Never did I feel not loved or not attractive. But our marriage broke down for other reasons. But obviously now I can see strangers don't feel the same about the way I look
Ruby Slippers Posted January 8, 2021 Posted January 8, 2021 4 minutes ago, lil_missy said: Well that photo is still me This is a delusional statement. To a man looking for a girlfriend, you at 154 pounds/70 kg is not the same as you at 110 pounds/50 kg. It's 44 pounds more of you. The guy you hoodwinked with your dating site picture was polite enough not to call you out for your deceptiveness, but the next one might not be so nice. 3 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 8, 2021 Posted January 8, 2021 5 minutes ago, trident_2020 said: I gotta say, thanks to your posts here, I'm getting a much clearer look inside the heads of the numerous women who deceived me with old pictures when I was online dating. Every single man I've met from a dating site raved that my pictures are accurate. I guess people pull this kind of trick very often. I see why so many online daters are so frustrated. 3 1
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2021 Posted January 8, 2021 If you aren't ready to meet men IRL, get off the dating sites. It's unfair of you to troll for interest & then be some pen pal. It's a little your weight but more how you see yourself. The negativity comes through. That is far more off-putting than a few extra kgs. As for the photos -- be accurate & current. Otherwise it's a bait & switch. That will turn somebody off too because it paints you as untrustworthy. Most people will forgive a 1-2 year age "fudge" or a 2-3 kg weight fudge but if you are fundamentally different now then what you advertised it's a problem.
trident_2020 Posted January 8, 2021 Posted January 8, 2021 Just now, d0nnivain said: It's a little your weight but more how you see yourself. The negativity comes through. That is far more off-putting than a few extra kgs. Speak for yourself. I'd rather date a thin negative woman than a positive fat one. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2021 Posted January 8, 2021 1 minute ago, trident_2020 said: Speak for yourself. I'd rather date a thin negative woman than a positive fat one. That makes you shallow. However I'm talking about a FEW kgs. I'm American so I'll switch to pounds but somebody who is carrying around 10 extra pounds certainly shouldn't be dismissed out of hand for that. Yes, 30-40 pounds that the OP is talking about do make a difference but there are gradations in many things; it's a sliding scale. You can lose or gain weight but changing an negative attitude or worse some more significant personality defect like lack of empathy is much harder. Give me a few pounds on a kind person any day.
Interstellar Posted January 8, 2021 Posted January 8, 2021 27 minutes ago, lil_missy said: Well that photo is still me But that's why I suggested we exchange more photos before we met, I didn't want to deceive him You’re rationalizing. You did deceive him by posting that old photo of yours. And your competition are younger, slimmer women who post their real pictures 4
Versacehottie Posted January 8, 2021 Posted January 8, 2021 (edited) 36 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: Whyyyyyyy do people do this? If you meet up with him, he's going to see immediately that you don't look that. And immediately realize you're a deceptive person who pulled a bait and switch and is wasting his precious time. You're the kind of person who causes a lot of frustration for online daters who are seriously trying to meet someone. Post only accurate, recent pictures that reflect your appearance now. Anything else is just wasting people's time. If you're not happy with your appearance right now, then do something about it instead of trying to deceive people. 1000%!!! OP, how do you realistic see this going? I see it going one of two ways: *I think you will get attached to guys and then when they are disappointed, not attracted & feel lied to, will disappear. Sending you into a repeating cycle of feeling bad, disappointed, confused and inadequate. Also you will not get to date them. *I think you will try to stall on meeting a potential great guy which will have you feeling bad and frustrated with a big secret. And the guy will get frustrated and disappear. So you will not get to date these guys either. The first premise has to be honest stuff. You should work on your appearance and confidence and happiness. And send accurate photos and be realistic about who you are now. Edited January 8, 2021 by Versacehottie 1
trident_2020 Posted January 8, 2021 Posted January 8, 2021 3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Yes, 30-40 pounds that the OP is talking about do make a difference but there are gradations in many things; it's a sliding scale. More like a rolling scale.
Miss Spider Posted January 8, 2021 Posted January 8, 2021 (edited) Delete App, hit the gym, Get fit and learn how to do you hair/makeup/clothes in a flattering way ... come back when you are looking and feeling better. No use dating when you feel like crap Edited January 8, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 6 1
Author lil_missy Posted January 9, 2021 Author Posted January 9, 2021 (edited) I honestly didn't think I looked that bad in the selfie like not hot hot hot but im not ugly I think for alot of people they are not actively trying to deceive you, but they just actually think they haven't changed that much over the years. When you look at yourself everyday you don't really notice the changes I just feel.bummed like he saw one pic of me and didn't want to talk to me anymore. I just didn't think I was that ugly Well I msged him this morning he is still replying to me, but not initiating and eager like before I'm honestly not that negative, I don't feel negative about myself. Yes I could lose some weight but it is the rejection that made me feel negative. Edited January 9, 2021 by lil_missy
Ruby Slippers Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 7 minutes ago, lil_missy said: I just feel.bummed like he saw one pic of me and didn't want to talk to me anymore. I just didn't think I was that ugly Because you essentially lied by posting a very outdated picture. You're setting yourself up for failure and wasting the guy's time by luring him to message with you under false pretenses. Either post accurate photos of yourself now, or get in better shape and then try again. You will have some takers either way. There are lots of cute guys on TikTok who go on and on about how much they love overweight women. But they generally love the women who overweight and fine with it, still dress in a sensual, self-loving way, flirty and fun, etc. 3
ShyViolet Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 3 hours ago, lil_missy said: Well that photo is still me No, not at all. It is NOT ok to do this. Using old photos where you were younger/thinner is misrepresenting yourself, being dishonest, and wasting people's time. All of your photos on dating profiles should be recent. 6 1
Author lil_missy Posted January 9, 2021 Author Posted January 9, 2021 Well i just sent my 2 photos to my friend and asked her what she thinks, she said the younger beach one i looked very fun loving and of course im in a bikini so guys are gonna love that, and that in the recent selfie I look "mumsy" and "businessy" and serious. So yeh the vibe is completely different so I guess I understand now. I really dont think it's the weight issue though because again my selfie does not show my body.
Wiseman2 Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 17 hours ago, lil_missy said: . My bmi is over weight. Ok. You're not ready to date if you don't have the confidence to be yourself. I would start here. Work with your doctor, a dietician, physical trainer,etc. to address this. Outline a plan to improve fitness and eating habits. Not to get dates. Not to appease your family. To improve your health, wellbeing, confidence and happiness. Perhaps you're lonely and testing the waters. But. It's a self-defeating situation to play games with pics, then fall into the self-fulfilling prophecy of "nobody wants me because I'm fat" Just get off dating sites for now. Give yourself 3 mos time to institute a health and fitness program for yourself. 3
ThereSheGoes Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 I feel like it's about confidence with you. There are tons of women who are overweight, and can pull men. Look at Ashley Graham. The girl has more jelly than a biscuit on Sunday morning, and she's on the cover of Sports Illustrated. I think you are affected by your weight. You're ashamed of it. And so you hide and deceive and do bait and switches because you are not confident with yourself. OLD is not for the faint of heart. You have to go in to it already prepped and ready for rejection. Regardless of how you look. 'Hot guys' get rejected all the time. You have to be happy with who you are, because this whole process is demeaning at best. Now if losing weight will help you gain your confidence, then do so. But I don't believe that in order for you to find a suitable mate you have to lose weight and be a perfect specimen. I think you should focus on being the best version of yourself and not trying to adhere to a standard that maybe isn't attainable for you. And it's okay. Beauty comes in all different forms. You just have to be happy with yourself. I am a woman with some jelly on her thigh meat, and I post full body pictures (though I am hesitant to do so, due to....men just being flat out VULGAR about my body) but I show it in all angles, and I post multiple current pics of me. Because if I'm looking for a guy, I want him to like me for me. Not a past version. Not a fantasy. ME. Because this jelly isn't going anywhere. Not as long as chocolate exists. And since I'm (mostly) content with myself, it shows in my pictures, and I get messages. (This also could be because I have a unique style that flatters me and the fat on my body tends to sit in areas that are considered 'attractive' by modern society's standards, but at the end of the day, I'm still fat. I'm no fitness model.) You gotta find what works for you, and own it. No backsies. You can have the hottest body in the world, but what is it worth if you're not confident in it? My advice? Hop off of OLD and work on your self confidence. Be it through therapy, self help books, motivational videos or losing weight. Do what's attainable for YOU. 2
Author lil_missy Posted January 9, 2021 Author Posted January 9, 2021 Thanks guys, I think you've all given me some really good advice, I will work on myself and feeling good about myself, then do OLD later 5 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 11 hours ago, lil_missy said: Well that photo is still me But that's why I suggested we exchange more photos before we met, I didn't want to deceive him And look how badly that turned out I feel bad enough already. But yeh Im Gonna lead with the "real" photos from now on But it's not an accurate reflection of how you currently look. I think you would be best to wait on OLD until you get to a place where you're healthier and happier in your own body. And like it or not, many men are going to be more attracted to a woman who seems like she takes care of herself and is vibrant. You don't need to be fitness-model fit, but people don't naturally gravitate towards someone who gives off the vibe that she's let herself go and isn't motivated to be her best self. 1
Blind-Sided Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 14 hours ago, lil_missy said: ..... But...I was really afraid to meet him in person...the photo I used in my profile was an old one of myself at the beach with sunnies on. I looked happy too. ........ You know you put on weight, and don't look as "Happy" as you once were. Why the heck would you use a picture that isn't representative of who you are now? Doing so is stetting you up for a fall. 2
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 8 hours ago, lil_missy said: So yeh the vibe is completely different so I guess I understand now. It's the vibe & because you mentioned weight, weight is part of it for you. You probably look OK objectively but subjectively you feel off & it shows.
trident_2020 Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 8 hours ago, lil_missy said: I really dont think it's the weight issue though because again my selfie does not show my body. You started this thread by complaining that you aren't getting any responses on OLD. Most guys look at the pictures first and if they like what they see, it's on to the profile followed by sending or replying to a message. If your recent selfie doesn't show you from the shoulders down, then my guess is that you look considerably older in that shoulder selfie shot as compared to the bikini picture. Most experienced online daters aren't stupid and they can smell a rat. Most have been burned before and don't have the stomach for the silly games played by those who have something to hide. 1
Gaeta Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 Date with honesty. No matter the weight you're at you always post current pictures of yourself from head to toe. Show the real you and be proud of the real you. Confidence is SEXY! Dress well, be proud of your hair, nail, makeup. I have dated at size 4 and I've dated at size 16 and I had lots of attention at both sizes. Not all men like to date thin women. They even have websites for men to find plus-size-women for goodness sake! 3
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