My girlfriend wants a 'break' but still loves me and wants to try again

[JaredP]

My girlfriend and I fight often because of trust issues and jealousy issues that would lead us to arguments. And when we eventually “made up” it was always much better for a time until we argued again or something happened that caused either one of us to act weird and the other had to reassure and say “no it’s not like that I’m 100% loyal to you..” and comfort the other person to bring them back to reality. 
Mostly this was MY issue. With her having to reassure me. It made her feel like she was walking on eggshells to make sure I wasn’t misinterpreting things. I would be insecure or read into things the wrong way or get in my head and negatively fit my narrative and it was bad and wrong of me. Even though I was the one who broke her trust. She never broke mine. It makes me very sad and this is very wrong of me to act this way considering what I did. I shouldn’t do that at all. And I understand this is a mistake on my part. 
I believe I am capable of working on this though.
And I know understanding it is the first step to conquering it. 
It’s something I can solve and put to rest. 

This became very taxing on the both of us (particularly her) and was one of the reasons that led us to the position I’m in now which is her saying we need to take a “Break”. 

But allow me to explain the other reasons.

2: Her parents are recently divorced and she has 2 younger siblings she is having to show up for and be a “mom” to and in a sense to look after them and take care of them. Which I understand is very emotionally draining and taxing to not only go through the distress and sadness of your own parents separating...but also have to show up for her younger siblings and be strong through it all. 

3: My girlfriends best friend also gave her a lot of static for hanging out with me a lot and said she feels like she is “neglecting their friendship” (which is 100% not true) and that she is being a bad friend when she once was her best friend. 
All this is because Mirandas best friend has issues herself and has never had a boyfriend or been in a relationship...but it’s just not fair to Miranda. It 100% only gives her a hard time and forces her into feeling guilty and having to say sorry...It’s a big problem with her best friend and also she doesn’t like me very much for some of the pain and trust issues I have brought to Miranda because of past actions. 
She holds grudges. 
She has told Miranda that she believes I’m a very good person but I am a bad boyfriend. Even though I do nice thoughtful things and go out of my way to express myself and show her I’m absolutely in love with her, she thinks I’m just doing nice things to make up for the harbored guilt I have for breaking her trust. Which isn’t true. I love to do the things I do to make her happy and try my best to comfort her and make her feel like 1 million bucks. Achieving this makes me so so happy. 
But again...she thinks I’m very nice and thoughtful but not the man for Miranda. 
I’ve sort of accepted that I cannot change her best friends perspective of me..but only thru time and showing consistency that she will eventually come around to not silently hating me. She just thinks I’m not what’s best for Miranda and that she can find better because of what has happened. 

4: She moved into a new apartment with new girlfriends and she feels like if she spends all her time with me she will miss out on adventures and “making memories” or developing new friendships with them because I’m around all the time. I understand this and can understand how that would be stressful...and I can fix this by simply not coming around so often and that would be the fix..but sometimes I worry about if she is safe and that I need to make sure nothing bad is going to happen to her. Maybe i need to have more confidence in the fact that she can take care of herself and lookout for herself but I just want her to be safe you know? I love her so so much. 
But I understand how this can make her stressed. 
Not wanting to make me feel left out when it’s exactly the space she needs. I poorly managed my emotions when she brought this up to me a few times and I mistakenly made things about me...which looking at it now I can see it is selfish of me to expect that much of her. I love her and want her to have that happiness. And I feel very awful by standing in the way of that. I was stupid. But I also want to make our own memories together and feel full of love and happiness and do adventures together. I don’t want to feel I have to “compete” in a sense with her other friendships by doing activities more grand or reckless to show her my feelings and make those memories. I love her with all my heart and I just want to show her that. Plain and simple. 

But Bringing things back to New Years...She said she doesn’t know for how long the break will be for her to work through all this...but she wants to try again and that she loves me so so much and that things will be so good once we try again. She says she sees a future with me. She said she’s exhausted and tired of fighting and wants change but there is so much good about me she doesn’t think she can find anywhere else. She said she has a lot to work through and she wants to get back to a happy place where she can recognize herself and not be sad all the time because of all those reasons...And she wants to spend some time with her friends and try to have fun and be happy. And she wants me to do the same and work on me and myself and doing things that make me happy.  
I don’t think she realizes how much she makes me happy...
We were both crying and I was taking off the necklace she gave me on my birthday and I said I don’t want to take it off and she stopped me and said don’t...she said keep it on. When she walked me to my car we were both crying and she kissed me and said “this isn’t our last kiss I promise please don’t worry”...

It’s been a week since and At first I was against taking the break because I didn’t understand how she could push me away like that but now
I understand.....after 2 days we talked again and I said I respect her and I admire her strength for doing the right thing even though it is as painful as this is...I also said I’m going to work on myself 100% and not get distracted by any other girls or go out with someone else. I said I’m loyal to her and I’m holding out for her. I said I’m going to focus on me and start showing up for myself so that I can better myself and get rid of these problems of insecurity I was bringing to the relationship that caused it to come to this.
I also said I understand my problems are more tangible then “I need to recognize myself/ be happy and I’m tired and exhausted of all the fighting” 

and that even if she can’t, I truly can set a timeframe for when I personally will be able to shake off those problems that I have and return again. I said we can’t go out of this on different pages and expect to come back into this on the same page...
I said I understand your problems and where you are at and I respect them and I can promise you that I can work on myself and make myself good in 1-2 months. Give me this time to make myself good 
And then let me be the good for you 
And if you don’t think that’s a good thing. Like if you think that me being good won’t help you FEEL good when I return then what are we doing. Cause I believe even if she isn’t able to “find herself” or be happier or have 100% fully worked through all of those hurt emotions that I caused....by seeing how far I’ve come and seeing that I’ve made big progress it will only be a good thing for her and for us. And for our relationship. And I will always be there for her and thru the hardships and stress of things in her life and be there to comfort her and love her through all the hard things and do my best to make her smile...I love her so much. 

So basically I said I need some level of guarantee that we will try again like she promised in that amount of time so that I know I’m not holding out for 1-2 months with false hope. (Even though I’m going to better myself regardless) Like I need to know she wants this equally as much as I do. 

She said she agreed and she understands everything I said and she is on the same page. 

Then like 4 hours later called me again and her tone was very....”I miss you” tone and she said “I just wanted to call and say that I really really want to try again and I will give you the time you need but I really want to try again” 

I said “I want to try again too and thank you for calling me and saying that it means so much” 

And that’s where things are now. 

[JaredP]

*UPDATE* I said all this. I sent her this exact text written below...I need to know what you think

 

 

M

 

I know this breaks the rules...but I really need to 

get some things off my chest.

I haven’t been sleeping well because I’ve been trying to find a way to say this..

I understand we fight often because of trust issues and jealousy issues that would lead us to arguments. And when we eventually “made up” it was always much better for a time until we argued again or something happened that caused either one of us to act weird and the other had to reassure and say “no it’s not like that I’m 100% loyal to you..” and comfort the other person to bring them back to reality. 

Mostly this was MY issue. With you having to reassure me. I understand i made you feel like you were walking on eggshells to make sure I wasn’t misinterpreting things. I would be insecure or read into things the wrong way or get in my head and negatively fit my narrative and it was bad and wrong of me. Even though I was the one who broke your trust. You never broke mine. It makes me very very sad and this is very wrong of me to act this way considering things. I shouldn’t do that at all. And I understand this is a mistake on my part. I feel like I can see myself and how I’ve been and I understand the road that brought me to acting this way. This became very taxing on the both of us (particularly you) and was one of the reasons that led us to the position we are in now. But I believe I am capable of working hard on this. And I know understanding it is the first step to conquering it. I know It’s something I can solve and put to rest. 

It’s been a week since and at first I didn’t understand but now I understand....I’m going to work on myself 100% and not get distracted by any other girls or go out with someone else. Or do anything to jeopardize our love and my feelings for you. I am loyal to you. I will show you this. I understand your position and where you are at and I respect it and I can promise you that I know I am strong enough to make this happen. Cause I believe we are a good thing. And I believe we want this equally and it truly makes me soar when I see you smile. You need to know I will always be right here for you and through the hardships and stress of things in your life and be here to comfort you and love you through all the hard things and rough times and do my best to make you smile every day...I love you so much....You moved into your apartment with new friends and you feel like if you spend all your time with me you will miss out on adventures and “making memories” or developing new friendships with them because I’m around all the time...I understand this and can get how that would be stressful...and I know I can fix this by simply not coming around so often and working on myself and my friendships in that time and that would be the fix...but sometimes I worry about if you are safe and that I need to make sure nothing bad is going to happen to you. Maybe i need to have more confidence in the fact that you can take care of yourself and lookout for yourself but I just want you to be safe you know? I love you with my whole heart. But I understand how this can make you stressed. Not wanting to make me feel left out when it’s exactly the space you need. I poorly managed my emotions when you brought this up to me a few times and I mistakenly made things about me...which looking at it now I can see it is selfish of me to expect that much of you. I love you and want you to have that happiness. And I feel very awful by standing in the way of that. I was stupid. But I also want to make our own memories together and feel full of love and happiness and do adventures together. I love you with all my heart and I just want to show you that. Plain and simple. I know you are exhausted and tired of fighting and want change and I get all of the reasons why. There is so much good about us and I know we have a lot to work through and I know you want to reach that happy place. 

I don’t think you realize how happy you make me...I’m working hard on this and myself and I already feel much better like I needed to show up for myself like I wasn’t. So that I can better myself and get rid of these problems of insecurity I was bringing to our relationship that caused it to come to this...I know this is good. And to work on these things can only help us. This was something I needed to see and now I’ve seen it. Remember how I told you you know exactly what I need even before I need it? Well you did. And as big as this is, This was one of those times. I need to show up for myself even being as close and as in love with you that I am...I know what is between us M is real and even though it hasn’t been long, I’ve made progress and feel a lot more at ease understanding these things. I feel like the way I was jeopardized our happiness at every turn and I’m really really sorry for that. But I know ours is the best love. Love worth everything. And I can only learn and grow with you in love. you make me reach for more. and that’s what you’ve given me...

 

 

I can’t wait to get back and see you I miss you a lot and want this back stronger than ever when the time comes. 

 

All this is on my mind 

 

-J

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, JaredP said:

So basically I said I need some level of guarantee that we will try again like she promised in that amount of time so that I know I’m not holding out for 1-2 months with false hope. (Even though I’m going to better myself regardless) Like I need to know she wants this equally as much as I do. 

She won't be able to guarantee anything, despite what she's telling you. There are never guarantees when it comes to these things. Breaks tend not to fix anything, in my experience. Couples don't usually work things out by inserting indefinite "space" into a relationship. If you can't manage to solve problems together as a unit, separating isn't likely to make it somehow better. More of than not, "breaks" are soft break-ups, usually because the dumper doesn't have the courage or heart to admit it's over and hurt their ex even more. 

All you can do is figure out where you need to do better, for yourself. Are you insecure in general? And if so, why? How are you going to manage insecure thoughts in the future? What did you do to break her trust, and how did you make it up to her?

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Ok, you sent it off and got what you wanted to say off your chest.

Now step back. It's important not to smother or crowd someone especially when they are asking for space.

How long were you dating? It seems she wants and needs more freedom whether that's within the context of a relationship or not.

Where do you think all these trust issues came from?

In many interpersonal dynamics the tighter you rein in the leash the more resistance there is.

Ok, take some time off from this to reflect and improve some things in your life.

In the meantime stay no contact.

[elaine567]

57 minutes ago, JaredP said:

Even though I was the one who broke her trust.

So what is the story there?

[d0nnivain]

There is no such thing as a break.  You are together or you are apart.

This break is her sugar coating her desire to get away from her jealous needy BF.  In the wake of her parents' divorce she does not have the emotional energy to put up with your immaturity.  She wants off the merry go round of fights based on your insecurity.

She's starting a new chapter in her life with this new apartment & she wants fun adventures not to be tied to a guy who makes her walk on eggshells because he misinterprets everything & constantly accuses her of stuff she isn't doing because he's insecure.  She wants to be carefree with her roommate & friends.  You are a wet blanket over that opportunity.

Your text was cringe worthy.  It was too long.  That much info with all that emotion should never be communicated by text.  Yuck.  It also clearly demonstrates that you have no idea why she's done or how it was your doing. Your loyalty to her was never the issue.  However since you bothered to say you won't be distracted by other girls I suspect you constantly challenged her fidelity because whatever innocuous things she did, smiled at a guy, talked to a friend, you accused her of more because you would do more with some other girl.

You need time -- YEARS -- to work on your own self esteem, self confidence & ability to trust.  Let her go. 

[JaredP]

I broke her trust by messaging other girls and even though I never went out with anyone , I still consider that cheating to a certain degree....she was hurt by it but gave me another chance and it was super good after that for 3 months 

[JaredP]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Ok, you sent it off and got what you wanted to say off your chest.

Now step back. It's important not to smother or crowd someone especially when they are asking for space.

How long were you dating? It seems she wants and needs more freedom whether that's within the context of a relationship or not.

Where do you think all these trust issues came from?

In many interpersonal dynamics the tighter you rein in the leash the more resistance there is.

Ok, take some time off from this to reflect and improve some things in your life.

In the meantime stay no contact.

We were dating a little over a year....

[trident_2020]

The posts by @Wiseman2 and @d0nnivainand @ExpatInItalypretty much cover it all, I've got nothing to add other than read them over and over again.

 

Edited to add: Messaging other girls (context not withstanding) is definitely cheating. Even now, after she's dumping you without actually saying she's dumping you, as you scramble to improve yourself and work through her reasoning, you downplay your actions. At your own peril, not only for the slim chance to save this one but for your future endeavors.

 

 

Edited January 8, 2021 by trident_2020

[tart6245]

What was the context of your messages? Obviously it isn't cheating if you were friends with them or something, but if they were single you talked to them with the pretext of dating them, then yeah, that's probably not a good thing. 

[JaredP]

UPDATE*
 

this is what she said the next day...

 

I’m sorry I’m just now responding. It took me a while to figure out quite what I wanted to say. 

It makes me feel very comforted that you recognize these things. This week has been so hard staying away from you but things had to change. I’m so happy that you recognize how important it is to focus on yourself. I need a healthy relationship with you and I need healthy relationships with my friends. I want to feel like I have the freedom to go and share in activities with them, knowing you trust my judgement and that I won’t do anything hurtful. I know you want to protect me, and I would be lying if I told you that I don’t feel safer without you, but I also am an adult and I can look out for myself. I can’t deal with the insecurities anymore and I pray to god you mean it when you say you can handle that, and continue to do so. I don’t want a temporary fix. I need things to change and continue to become better. That being said. I miss you like hell.

 

question is now...what do I do? I want her back and I am currently putting in work to change and I agree with all that she said...but what’s my plan now? I need advice thanks

[trident_2020]

Dude, she couldn't have been more clear.

Back the hell off of her and let her spend time with her friends without pressuring her about it and acting all hurt and clingy and needy; and even though you probably can't suddenly snap your fingers and your insecurities will simply melt away- at least fake it until you make it and ACT like you trust her and you can live your life without her even if you truly believe that you cannot.

Edited January 10, 2021 by trident_2020

[d0nnivain]

Ask her on a date. 

Do NOT talk about what happened.  You know you were too clingy.  She knows she won't put up with that. There is no need to rehash it.  If you try she will see that you have not changed nor do you have any intention of being a trusting, secure BF.  

Be chill.  Be confident.  Let her have a life. Don't question her about where she is & who she is with.  Have fun when you are together.  Give her space.  Don't blow up her phone.  Don't stalk her on social media.  Just be a fun loving guy who makes it easy for her to hang out with you.  

If you can't do that, leave her alone.  

[maggiemtn]

Nothing changes in a week. If I were you, I’d do the hard thing and work on your trust issues by  yourself. Your smothering of her is something that needs to be addressed between you and a counselor (see: attachment anxiety). You seem like you were so stressed she would leave you that you messaged other girls behind her back to have a backup plan so you wouldn’t feel so bad if things went sideways. That’s a real problem. Her having to reassure you all the time drains someone’s patience for you and their romantic feelings faster than anything I’ve ever seen. While I agree with @d0nnivain in theory, I think these are things you should do far down the road. When you actually ARE confident and okay with her living her own life. Otherwise you’re going to have massive amounts of anxiety and no one to turn to because you know expressing it to her would run her off. You’ll drive yourself crazy. If you want any chance at long term stability in this relationship, you should work out your own issues fully and then circle back. Maybe she’ll be there maybe she won’t but it’s the right thing to do for the both of you. 

[trident_2020]

4 minutes ago, maggiemtn said:

you’re going to have massive amounts of anxiety and no one to turn to because you know expressing it to her would run her off. You’ll drive yourself crazy.

Yes, this. ^^^

You'll be living a nightmare.

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry she got your hopes up. She's trying to let you down easy, but this last communication is a bit firmer about the breakup.

Sadly, in attempts not to hurt people or be the bad guy, some people end up inadvertently stringing someone along.

There's really no such thing as "breaks". 

On a side note, I think she's either quite immature or misguided in her rant about you jumping through her hoops and then maybe we'll see.

For your own peace of mind don't put up with that. Make a clean break. 

[elaine567]

On 1/8/2021 at 1:52 PM, JaredP said:

I broke her trust by messaging other girls and even though I never went out with anyone , I still consider that cheating to a certain degree...she was hurt by it but gave me another chance and it was super good after that for 3 months 

It was super good for you.
For her? 
I guess not so much...

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I think you were largely projecting your own behaviour onto your girlfriend. 

You knew what you were doing (messaging other women) when her head was turned, so you feared she was capable of the same thing. I don't believe you were just worried about her safety when she was with her friends; I think this again was your fear that maybe she wasn't being honest about who she was with or what she was up to, because you knew you weren't behaving honorably. In my experience, the ones who are the most possessive and exhausting about this sort of the thing are often the ones cheating themselves (in some capacity or another) 

Having said that, she evidently chose to stay after she learned the truth. She probably wanted to try to forgive you, but together with your insecurity and veiled accusations? It was just too much. You've said what you have to say, and now so has she. She may or may not decide to try again. This is up to her now. All you can do is back way off now and leave her be.