Boyfriend stopped hanging out with his female friend because I told him about relationship boundaries?

[Savioursolo]

Hi All, Me and my boyfriend are together 3 years. My boyfriend used to live in a shared house with his friends when this girl moved in. Since start they seem to become friends. She gifted him a book, gave him access to her netflix, she developed similar interests as my boyfriend, like warhammer, games, music bands. I noticed straight away that she would talk to him a lot, but won't communicate much with me or had intentions to become friends. Sometimes he would text me saying he is out for a walk, but would not specify with who, unless I ask indirect question and he would admit that she invited him. He would say - I am watching a movie  because he heard it was good without specifying that she suggested it to him.

They lived in the shared accommodation for 1 year with other housemates and I am sure that there was no physical cheating because I know my boyfriend loves me and I am the n.1 for him and I was around often. We moved in together last year and I noticed that he would play games and voice chat with her more often and even wanted to invite her over for Christmas. More often he would not say that he was about to play with her, I would just walk in the room and find out. She even bought him a game extension without occasion. In all this 6 month time - she never asked my BF to say hello to his GF or ask him - how's your GF doing? We usually communicate to each other when our friends send us greetings.

For a year I was hiding my jealousy and not saying anything because didn't want to come as controlling freak and obviously break the friendship but with that Christmas invitation my jealousy skyrocketed, but still I said, no problem invite her over. Till the point when I said I can't take it anymore and had a serious conversation with him about boundaries being crossed. And that it was not normal and  that I also have male friend who I know that might be interested in me more than a friend, but I never gave them reason to be too close or be in touch too often.

I discovered that they were texting almost everyday and she would tell him a lot about her problems. He said that he has naive character, but he would not play games with her and would not contact her. He said that he honestly talked to her, saying that it's better they won't hang out and that she was sorry for being too friendly.

My intention was for him to set boundaries, not breaking up friendship, but he seemed to be firm with his decision. I still think that they chat occasionally, but he is definitely using his phone less often after the conversation. They have friends in common now due to have lived in the same accommodation and sooner or later he will bump into her again. That will be awkward for both of them.

Am I a bad guy? Or there was a really valid reason for him to terminate friendship, like he was into her and it was better to cut her off for good? Maybe he did not realise that she was crossing boundaries, but I am pretty sure she knew exactly what she was doing. 

[central]

Everyone is different, so you aren't wrong about how you feel or in wanting clear boundaries, but IMO you had no basis for your jealousy or insistence he limit his friendship.  And did you make a sincere effort to befriend her, or did you put that all on her and then be annoyed that she didn't?

[Savioursolo]

@central Thanks for your reply. I think if if I was doing the same he would get jealous. Things that I did to befriend her always involved communicating with her, but she would never share much about herself with me but will happily talk to my BF on all personal topics. Obviously living together under same roof brings people to that. If I would come across a job posting that could be suitable for her I recommended it to her on couple of occasions. I would talk to her about French movies, because she is French. I made her a gift in return of a favor and once me and my BF got her a box of chocolates. Trust me there were occasions. My bf also has other female friends, and I got so well with them, but with her it seems awkward all the time. You can feel tension in the air and I consider myself to be a sensitive person. If my friends call me they always ask about my SO  and tell to say hi to him. Same thing with my BF's other friends and relatives. They always send me greeting, because they consider me as well. She never did. They would talk on a daily basis, play games, she never asked my BF to say hi to me or ask how was I doing. Which makes it very one sided. As I said, I brought the topic up 1 year after observing all these interactions. Which means I didn't jump to conclusions straight away, but let myself reflect upon it and try my best to interact with her.

It was not my intention that my BF took decision to stop hanging out with her, I just wanted him to realise that it was crossing boundaries. He took that decision and I won't argue with it, that means he realised that there were reasons for doing so.

[FMW]

17 minutes ago, Savioursolo said:

Maybe he did not realise that she was crossing boundaries,

She was crossing YOUR boundaries as to what you find acceptable for your boyfriend's interactions with others.  It doesn't necessarily mean it would be inappropriate for everyone.  But since he cut off contact with her, there is no issue, at least not in this circumstance.  He agreed to what was acceptable to you.  If he was in to her as more than a friend he probably would have pushed back on you a little, stressing to you that they were only just friends.  Since he was willing to just drop her, I'd say she wasn't that important to him.

If this becomes a pattern I would be concerned though.  There's only so many people or things he might be ok with letting go of to accommodate your boundaries.  If you have to keep pointing these things out to him, it might be a compatibility problem.      

[HiCrunchy]

Did they act in a way that was flirty or could make u believe they were more than just friends? 

Idk, I have male friends and I don't really care to be friends with their gfs. Cuz tbh, if they breakup it gets awkward, so I'm friendly, say hi or something but mostly don't interact with them and dont go out of my way to.

Plus, my friends and I already have a dynamic and when a gf is inserted in the friend group that dynamic changes.

 

They must not have been close if he cut her out of his life without protest. He made his choice but idk depending on who u ask, u might be the bad guy

Edited January 7, 2021 by HiCrunchy

[Savioursolo]

@FMW Yes that is correct she was crossing my boundaries and he couldn't possibly realise that if he continued to interact with her without thinking how it can possibly affect me. Everyone is different and what is appropriate in terms of boundaries is subject to individual as you said. I think she was and still is important to him, but he gave priority to relationship and probably put himself in my position. It was not my intention for him to stop completely interact with her, but if it was his decision, it's up to him. And I totally agree on fact that if it is a pattern then it will be a problem, but I didn't have any of problems like this with any of his friends male or females and generally I am not a type of person who has aim to cut off the other half from his friendships.

[Savioursolo]

@HiCrunchy As far as know, I never saw them flirty or act inappropriately. He said he likes her, but he usually says that he likes people even as they are friends. It depends on individual and what the crossing of boundaries can mean. For me it was too much what his interaction with her was. I had no intention to be inserted in their friendship, but I have male friends who have girlfriends, or became married and I wouldn't text them on a daily basis because I respect the invisible boundaries. And if I do communicate with them I always ask how is their other half doing. As you said for some people I can be a bad guy, cause for them it is not crossing boundaries.

[d0nnivain]

You asked for better boundaries which is just fine.  He chose to cut contact almost entirely.  Had you asked for that you would have been wrong.  Since he gave it to you, reward his loyalty. 

[Savioursolo]

22 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You asked for better boundaries which is just fine.  He chose to cut contact almost entirely.  Had you asked for that you would have been wrong.  Since he gave it to you, reward his loyalty. 

Thank you, I will indeed

[Keridan]

I am in a relationship where trust is sacred to both of us. I have actually cut off contact before even if my wife didn't care. She trusts me. She knows I don't cheat. More than once, when an opportunity came up, I cut it off and told her. She doesn't demand this. I don't get accused of anything, but when I know it might go anywhere near a bad situation, I just get out. 

I don't think either of you messed this one up from your description.  I think it was handled right. Things can surprise you and get in tense fast. If you don't trust the other person to not go there, get away from it. Sounds like he did just that.

I have close female friends that I have known longer than my wife. She knows they are safe. Those relationships won't go anywhere.  I can miss a few potential friends to avoid problems with the woman I love.

[trident_2020]

I wouldn't have been comfortable with their situation if I was in your position.

I'm thinking that things worked out just fine.

 

[Savioursolo]

34 minutes ago, Keridan said:

I am in a relationship where trust is sacred to both of us. I have actually cut off contact before even if my wife didn't care. She trusts me. She knows I don't cheat. More than once, when an opportunity came up, I cut it off and told her. She doesn't demand this. I don't get accused of anything, but when I know it might go anywhere near a bad situation, I just get out. 

I don't think either of you messed this one up from your description.  I think it was handled right. Things can surprise you and get in tense fast. If you don't trust the other person to not go there, get away from it. Sounds like he did just that.

I have close female friends that I have known longer than my wife. She knows they are safe. Those relationships won't go anywhere.  I can miss a few potential friends to avoid problems with the woman I love.

Thank you for sharing your experience, and it's great that you can spot if someone who can be potentially interested in you more than a friend and you just cut it off straight away cause you feel it can put your relationship in jeopardy, create friction and trust issues. I do the same thing. I have male friends, actually the majority of my friends are male, some of them are in relationships or even married, I as an external person know that I should not interfere with them more than necessary because 1. there is no need for me to do so and 2. I respect their relationship and know that it can put my male friend in difficult situation. Same thing is for my male friends, they do not keep in touch with me on a daily basis bc they know I am in a relationship, we keep in touch but there is no such a thing like gifts without occasion etc. 

And if I spot a male who  is keep on messaging me on a daily basis and gets involved, I just recognise straight away that this guy has interest and I just let them understand that it's a no no  from me.

It's good that we are able to recognise this. Probably my SO didn't recognise it and considered it innocent on his behalf without realising that there might be conflict of interest. He actually said that he should have realised that before. He has other female friends and I get along well with them and they are nice to me. There was never a problem for me. Thanks again. 

[Savioursolo]

13 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

I wouldn't have been comfortable with their situation if I was in your position.

I'm thinking that things worked out just fine.

 

Thank you ! 

[trident_2020]

Yeah, the two of them definitely crossed boundaries. The all day texting, the secrecy about doing things together, completely inappropriate.

He probably knows it too which is why he went the complete nuclear option of cutting her off.

 

Hope he stays with it. Keep your eyes open.

[Savioursolo]

Just now, trident_2020 said:

Yeah, the two of them definitely crossed boundaries. The all day texting, the secrecy about doing things together, completely inappropriate.

He probably knows it too which is why he went the complete nuclear option of cutting her off.

 

Hope he stays with it. Keep your eyes open.

This is what was bothering me, the nuclear option. I didn't ask for it, I said it is up to you how do you want to establish boundaries. And he said that he won't communicate with her. And then all of the questions and guilts popped up in me like - Why did he had to cut her off completely? Was something really there? Did he do it because he thought it might be awkward to continue friendship even in small amounts due to the fact that I told him that how things are and he thought better not. I think I did well to speak up after such a long time tbh, if something arises I won't wait for 1 year lol.  Tricky thing is, I don't think he will manage to avoid her completely in a long term, cause they have friends in common since she moved to that house, and she knows his best friends and they all hang out together on few occasions. So let's say if one day he will join his friends to go somewhere, she'll probably be there. And that will be awkward for them. I don't mind if that happens as long as he tells me. I don't want to know all his whereabouts, just who he was with. I will keep my eyes open and I am still not over it yet, so ... 

[trident_2020]

Don't worry about it being awkward for them. They crossed boundaries, they paid the price.

 

[Robhanes44]

Men and women can be friends.  The issue is there is a line that can easily be crossed when spending so much time with his "friend".  It is better for couples to have mutual friends than for one or the other to have besties of the opposite sex.  This just creates problems.  I hate to say it, but when you are married you put aside these types of relationships with the opposite sex because you have made a commitment to one woman.  I have seen it too many times where men and women try to be friends and there are some hidden/subtle sexual feelings there that nobody wants to admit, but when things go wrong in your marriage this subtle attraction can grow with your spouse's friend.  The friend becomes a listening buddy to all of your husband's marital problems, and then it starts becoming a wedge between you.  Good luck.

[Keridan]

14 hours ago, Robhanes44 said:

Men and women can be friends.  The issue is there is a line that can easily be crossed when spending so much time with his "friend".  It is better for couples to have mutual friends than for one or the other to have besties of the opposite sex.  This just creates problems.  I hate to say it, but when you are married you put aside these types of relationships with the opposite sex because you have made a commitment to one woman.  I have seen it too many times where men and women try to be friends and there are some hidden/subtle sexual feelings there that nobody wants to admit, but when things go wrong in your marriage this subtle attraction can grow with your spouse's friend.  The friend becomes a listening buddy to all of your husband's marital problems, and then it starts becoming a wedge between you.  Good luck.

Sorry you seem to still be concerned,  but from the outside looking in, you seem to have it in hand. You Drew his attention to an issue because it bothered you and when he realised it, he took steps to fix it. You didn't cost him a friend, the situation did.

Personally, it may seem extreme to you, but I respect him for it. I doubt he is feeling any great loss. He got to do right by the woman he loves

[Savioursolo]

8 hours ago, Keridan said:

Sorry you seem to still be concerned,  but from the outside looking in, you seem to have it in hand. You Drew his attention to an issue because it bothered you and when he realised it, he took steps to fix it. You didn't cost him a friend, the situation did.

Personally, it may seem extreme to you, but I respect him for it. I doubt he is feeling any great loss. He got to do right by the woman he loves

Thank you!

[Savioursolo]

@Robhanes44 Thank you, that sums it up and I agree.

Edited January 10, 2021 by Savioursolo

[Stret]

You should read the topic I started in December in Dating.... similar issues were discussed but in a different way.

[Savioursolo]

4 hours ago, Stret said:

You should read the topic I started in December in Dating.... similar issues were discussed but in a different way.

Thanks, good post