New relationship, bf' being distant after a holiday together

[dmf]

Hey everyone, I finally have a sort of update. He text me yesterday evening apologising for if he left me feeling like s***, and for being responsible for letting things fizzle a little bit and not talking to me about it sooner. He said he’d been reflecting on what I said during our last phone conversation about me spending my time away re-channeling my energy and guesses it must be because of the above and also that he’d like to “stay in contact”.  
 

I’m not really sure what it all means.. I responded a couple of hours later (I was driving home) to say me redirecting my energy had nothing to do with that (it was for my own reasons), apologised that he felt that way, and asked for some clarity around where his head is at. He hasn’t replied yet despite me sending the text at 6:30pm and it now being the morning. to be honest I’m a bit over it now as communication has been a strong point for us and i just don’t think it should be this difficult to have a conversation. I’m just going to leave the ball in his court and focus on myself for a while, if he wants to talk about everything we can but I’m not going to chase him for the conversation.

[JackD]

7 minutes ago, dmf said:

Hey everyone, I finally have a sort of update. He text me yesterday evening apologising for if he left me feeling like s***, and for being responsible for letting things fizzle a little bit and not talking to me about it sooner. He said he’d been reflecting on what I said during our last phone conversation about me spending my time away re-channeling my energy and guesses it must be because of the above and also that he’d like to “stay in contact”.  
 

I’m not really sure what it all means.. I responded a couple of hours later (I was driving home) to say me redirecting my energy had nothing to do with that (it was for my own reasons), apologised that he felt that way, and asked for some clarity around where his head is at. He hasn’t replied yet despite me sending the text at 6:30pm and it now being the morning. to be honest I’m a bit over it now as communication has been a strong point for us and i just don’t think it should be this difficult to have a conversation. I’m just going to leave the ball in his court and focus on myself for a while, if he wants to talk about everything we can but I’m not going to chase him for the conversation.

Sorry to hear it hasn't gone as you wanted. TBH he's just trying to find a way to let you down gently. As per my previous post, seems he has decided you are not worth it after all.

On to the next one, someone who appreciates you for you and will see you are definitely worth it.

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, dmf said:

Hey everyone, I finally have a sort of update. He text me yesterday evening apologising for if he left me feeling like s***, and for being responsible for letting things fizzle a little bit and not talking to me about it sooner. He said he’d been reflecting on what I said during our last phone conversation about me spending my time away re-channeling my energy and guesses it must be because of the above and also that he’d like to “stay in contact”.  
 

I’m not really sure what it all means.. I responded a couple of hours later (I was driving home) to say me redirecting my energy had nothing to do with that (it was for my own reasons), apologised that he felt that way, and asked for some clarity around where his head is at. He hasn’t replied yet despite me sending the text at 6:30pm and it now being the morning. to be honest I’m a bit over it now as communication has been a strong point for us and i just don’t think it should be this difficult to have a conversation. I’m just going to leave the ball in his court and focus on myself for a while, if he wants to talk about everything we can but I’m not going to chase him for the conversation.

I'm speculating but the bolded combined with him essentially ignoring your question asking for clarity is him attempting to shift the blame on you versus taking responsibility for the fact he's lost interest and doesn't wish to proceed forward.

That's my read anyway, if me, that is how I would read it.  And do just what you're planning to do, leave it be.  If/when he returned wanting to talk about it or whatever, I'd probably just end the relationship.

My guess is you will not be hearing from him again, I am really sorry dmf.  I could be wrong, again just my take.

 

Edited January 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

>>The road trip was amazing, we spent 4 days driving, listening to music, laughing, swimming, exploring, and camping + a lot of (amazing) sex. No arguments and we had good team work and communication when we encountered any hiccups. 
On the last day especially I felt a bit of a change in vibe, he didn’t make any references to us doing anything in the future or allude to when we would see each other again.

This was your read on your road trip.  If I had to venture a guess, it wasn't his (sorry).  Someone else mentioned this (I think it was this thread) that often times someone can go through the motions of having a great time, when inside they're feeling something entirely different.

There is a saying "two people can be out on the same date, but having two entirely different experiences."  I think this is very true.

Who knows what changed.  What I can tell you is that a few years ago, close to a year after I ended my 6 year LTR, I began dating a man and we took a short trip after only 4 weeks dating, and after ONE day I felt like I could not get away fast enough.

I went through the motions but then finally made up some excuse as to why I needed to go home.

I ended the RL shortly thereafter.

Too much, too soon.

 

Edited January 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[lana-banana]

"Stay in contact" = it's completely over. It doesn't matter why; the point is a man who had any desire to see you again wouldn't say that. I'm sorry this happened, Lord knows we've all been there, but I'm sorry he didn't drag it out too long. Make plans to do something kind for yourself this weekend.

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, dmf said:

I’m not really sure what it all means.. I responded a couple of hours later (I was driving home) to say me redirecting my energy had nothing to do with that (it was for my own reasons), apologised that he felt that way, and asked for some clarity around where his head is at. 

Sorry this happened. My guess is it had nothing to do with anything you have done or said. It seems like the holidays with kids, ex, family, etc. is the issue, but he tried to pin it on you. That's why his comment makes no sense.

[Stret]

1 hour ago, dmf said:

Hey everyone, I finally have a sort of update. He text me yesterday evening apologising for if he left me feeling like s***, and for being responsible for letting things fizzle a little bit and not talking to me about it sooner. He said he’d been reflecting on what I said during our last phone conversation about me spending my time away re-channeling my energy and guesses it must be because of the above and also that he’d like to “stay in contact”.  
 

I’m not really sure what it all means.. I responded a couple of hours later (I was driving home) to say me redirecting my energy had nothing to do with that (it was for my own reasons), apologised that he felt that way, and asked for some clarity around where his head is at. He hasn’t replied yet despite me sending the text at 6:30pm and it now being the morning. to be honest I’m a bit over it now as communication has been a strong point for us and i just don’t think it should be this difficult to have a conversation. I’m just going to leave the ball in his court and focus on myself for a while, if he wants to talk about everything we can but I’m not going to chase him for the conversation.

Hi, I don't think he lost interest as everyone else thinks. 
I think he is just hurt, insecure with you taking off and going hiking and overly sensitive to every word you say. If he wants to let you down gently he would continue talking to you, what he's doing is torturing you on purpose as a means to stress you out and make you want him more. He wants your attention and he is punishing you. He's making himself appear disinterested when in fact he is just protecting himself (using completely wrong and emotionally immature and unhealthy methods). I'm afraid you will be back here telling us you are in relationship with a guy who is insecure and gets passive aggressive when you go do something with friends or by yourself. I don't think he will leave or is interested in leaving you. He is just playing dumb passive aggressive games. Why else would he apologize for disappearing and then disappear again right after that? 

[dmf]

3 minutes ago, Stret said:

Hi, I don't think he lost interest as everyone else thinks. 
I think he is just hurt, insecure with you taking off and going hiking and overly sensitive to every word you say. If he wants to let you down gently he would continue talking to you, what he's doing is torturing you on purpose as a means to stress you out and make you want him more. He wants your attention and he is punishing you. He's making himself appear disinterested when in fact he is just protecting himself (using completely wrong and emotionally immature and unhealthy methods). I'm afraid you will be back here telling us you are in relationship with a guy who is insecure and gets passive aggressive when you go do something with friends or by yourself. I don't think he will leave or is interested in leaving you. He is just playing dumb passive aggressive games. Why else would he apologize for disappearing and then disappear again right after that? 

Interesting perspective. I genuinely am in two minds about it because I did feel him pulling away/becoming distant but then when I reflect back on it I immediately withdrew (thinking he needed space) and stopped contacting him.. it’s possible we have both massively screwed up communication here however I’m still not stoked about the fact that he chose to TEXT and be weird and vague and then not respond when I asked for clarity. I have not given any indication that I wouldn’t be open to an adult discussion about where we are both at. 
I guess I’ll just see whether he replies once again  

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Stret said:

Hi, I don't think he lost interest as everyone else thinks. 
I think he is just hurt, insecure with you taking off and going hiking and overly sensitive to every word you say. If he wants to let you down gently he would continue talking to you, what he's doing is torturing you on purpose as a means to stress you out and make you want him more. He wants your attention and he is punishing you. He's making himself appear disinterested when in fact he is just protecting himself (using completely wrong and emotionally immature and unhealthy methods). I'm afraid you will be back here telling us you are in relationship with a guy who is insecure and gets passive aggressive when you go do something with friends or by yourself. I don't think he will leave or is interested in leaving you. He is just playing dumb passive aggressive games. Why else would he apologize for disappearing and then disappear again right after that? 

Not my take Stret because he began distancing himself and acting chilling on the last day of their trip BEFORE she mentioned hiking.  

>>On the last day especially I felt a bit of a change in vibe, he didn’t make any references to us doing anything in the future or allude to when we would see each other again.

Edited January 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[dmf]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Not my take Stret because he began distancing himself and acting chilling on the last day of their trip BEFORE she mentioned hiking.  

>>On the last day especially I felt a bit of a change in vibe, he didn’t make any references to us doing anything in the future or allude to when we would see each other again.

Exactly. He was still holding my hand and kissing me and putting his arm around me as we walked and all that.. I just felt a bit of a change in vibe and, as I said, noticed he stopped making reference to us doing anything in the future which is something we had previously done constantly throughout conversations. I don’t know. I realise that in hindsight 4 days together in a car/tent probably removed a lot of the mystery/magic - to my logical brain, I’m okay with that temporarily because in place of that I see that we handled it very well and worked well as a team and that’s important to me. I see it as the spark will come back on an even stronger foundation. 

But perhaps to him, it feels like it just fizzled and he can’t see beyond that If that’s the case, I don’t want to be with someone who would give up something that easily without even talking it through properly. 
 

For my part, I recognise that I could have been a lot more vulnerable. I have a tendency to perhaps shy away from ever wanting to appear less than strong at the start and I think as a result I can come across as not too in touch with my emotions. I am very in touch with them when I’m alone, I just don’t show it around others until I’m extremely comfortable with them. possibly that contributed and it’s something I’d like to work on.. allowing myself to feel and show vulnerability does not make me less strong. 

At the very least, that’s my lesson from all of this - and to move much more slowly
 

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, dmf said:

Interesting perspective. I genuinely am in two minds about it because I did feel him pulling away/becoming distant but then when I reflect back on it I immediately withdrew (thinking he needed space) and stopped contacting him.. it’s possible we have both massively screwed up communication here however I’m still not stoked about the fact that he chose to TEXT and be weird and vague and then not respond when I asked for clarity. I have not given any indication that I wouldn’t be open to an adult discussion about where we are both at. 
I guess I’ll just see whether he replies once again  

Are you referring to the underlined below?  That he became insecure because you decided to go camping since you were on leave for another week? 

Not my take at all; I truly think something changed during the trip.  Not necessarily anything you did, but his mindset.  Too much too soon.  I mean meeting the relatives, then this comfy cozy trip like you're a committed couple - this is his brain speaking to him.  Too much too soon, it was too much and he got turned off by it.  Just like I did with that bf I mentioned in an earlier post.

>>We got to his house, kissed goodbye enthusiastically as ever and he asked me to text him when I got home safely - I did and he replied pretty quickly and said thanks for a great roadie and made a little joke - it felt very platonic but I didn’t think much of it. I thought we could probably use a bit of space to decompress after so much time together, so didn’t initiate any contact until the next day when I let him know he’d left a couple of things in my car. He texted back later and said he’d call me tonight, I had gone away again to camp a little more (still on leave for another week) so let him know I’d call the next day instead. No response.  I called him last night as discussed and it was definitely very different to how all of our other conversations have been.. very surface level

[Saracena]

31 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Not my take Stret because he began distancing himself and acting chilling on the last day of their trip BEFORE she mentioned hiking.  

>>On the last day especially I felt a bit of a change in vibe, he didn’t make any references to us doing anything in the future or allude to when we would see each other again.

Nor mine. Nothing at all to do with the hiking but for whatever reason, the trip made him have second thoughts about taking things any further. Sorry OP

[poppyfields]

36 minutes ago, dmf said:

For my part, I recognise that I could have been a lot more vulnerable. I have a tendency to perhaps shy away from ever wanting to appear less than strong at the start and I think as a result I can come across as not too in touch with my emotions. I am very in touch with them when I’m alone, I just don’t show it around others until I’m extremely comfortable with them. possibly that contributed and it’s something I’d like to work on.. allowing myself to feel and show vulnerability does not make me less strong. 

At the very least, that’s my lesson from all of this - and to move much more slowly
 

Showing vulnerability is necessary but please don't be too hard on yourself, it had only been 4 weeks.  It's takes time to feel comfortable revealing vulnerability, lots of time spent together and mutual trust built.

His withdrawal is not due to anything you did, buy rather what he is feeling.  Smothered, overwhelmed, boxed in.  These are HIS issues not yours.

When I think back to my RL with my fiancé after four weeks, we were only spending ONE day a week together, typically Saturday night.  So four dates total after four weeks (Edit: five since we saw each other twice the first week).   We had not even had sex yet!  We messaged a lot in between though and had some great chats.

I agree with your last sentence ^.   Move more slowly.  If HE is pushing it, it's up to you to slow him down.

It's sad, because from what you described, something was definitely there, it had a lot of potential.  But goodness gracious, a four day road trip cooped up in a car/tent 24/7, I'm hyperventilating just thinking about that!

Personally I would never have gone along with that.  I would not have had him meet the relatives.

Anyway, lesson learned.  I'm sorry it didn't work out dmf.

Edited January 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[Stret]

Maybe you are all right. We can only guess what is going on in his head. He's basically ghosting his new gf and that is not acceptable regardless of his reasons. If he wants to end he should end it clearly and have a pair to do it. 
If I were you OP, I would drop him one final message to say good bye, instead of waiting around for him to contact. He showed you enough already to end it officially and end the pop stand. Just let him know that you've had enough time to think and you are certain that you two are not for each other as it initially seemed. Wish him well and set yourself free. You let him set the pace so far and contact you - take control into your hands maybe, for a change.

If he does respond and come back with some lame excuse, don't fall for it - he will pull something again in the future and you'd have to deal with similar things and him disappearing all the time. I know you might want him back and you want that feeling back. But fight it, and you will be better off for it. Remember: it takes 30 seconds to drop someone a message. It takes a minute of someone's life to call. No matter what is happening in his life, he can find that much time.