New relationship, bf' being distant after a holiday together

[JRabbit]

10 minutes ago, dmf said:

it’s difficult to regret it when we moved at a pace that felt right/comfortable for us - there was no pressure from either side to do so. I guess it’s doubly difficult for me because my mum met her partner of 15 years in a similar fashion: via an online dating site (pre-apps!) and they both deleted their profiles the first day and have been happy ever since. I know it’s probably the exception but it’s hard not to have faith that it is possible when that’s your example

Yes that is the exception, not the norm.  Of course there is no pressure, when you are all in the intensity of a new attachment period, it clouds everything.  That is why it is a red flag to move so fast. You can not possibly know enough about the person in that time, even spending 24/7 together, to feel that strongly.  Those feelings need to be settled to evaluate what is really present and not just a result of a new love interest.

Of course it is frustrating and hurtful when he said what he said and did the entire time, however when you look back in the future I think you will realize there had been some signs of his flakiness.  Just a guess.  Sometimes people also change their mind, in an instance when they are emotionally unstable.

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, dmf said:

Yeah I understand. I guess I just thought there was a chance of it working since every single one of his words matched up to his actions and how much he was investing - where as previously with anyone who isn’t ready to be in a relationship they’ve always had a lot to say but not much to back it up. ie “let’s just see where it goes”  

I’ve let him initiate the next step the entire way so it’s really frustrating to me that someone would move at a pace they shouldn’t be moving at - it would be different if I’d been pushing for more but I genuinely haven’t 

dmf, what's the status now?  Have you heard from him?   I just want to say that despite what I wrote previously, if he's distant for more than one or two days, that IS a huge red flag imo.  My ex used to take some space after we spent a close intimate weekend together, but no more than a day or two TOPS.  

I can't say what your guy is doing or feeling but if it's been more than a day or two, it may mean he's just not comfortable with the closeness.  Pay attention to that and take some time to re-evaluate if this is the right relationship for you.

 

 

 

Edited January 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[Snow_Queen]

Just another POV to shed some light on what he might be thinking. Sometimes we genuinely enjoy being around someone and spending time with them but that romantic feeling is missing. Some may want to give things a shot but that connection never happens for whatever reason. Or, maybe you don’t feel too excited about them anymore after a couple of dates.

My guess is he may have decided it wasn’t quite what he was looking for. It certainly doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It’s all about trial and error.

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Snow_Queen said:

My guess is he may have decided it wasn’t quite what he was looking for. It certainly doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It’s all about trial and error.

Then he needs to communicate that to her and not simply go cold and disappear.

For the amount of time they spent together, the talks, the future planning, the 4-day intimate vacay together, ghosting is not acceptable and I hope to god he doesn't choose that path.

Assuming he's wanting out which we don't even know yet.

[Snow_Queen]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Then he needs to communicate that to her and not simply go cold and disappear.

For the amount of time they spent together, the talks, the future planning, the 4-day intimate vacay together, ghosting is not acceptable and I hope to god he doesn't choose that path.

Assuming he's wanting out which we don't even know yet.

Unfortunately, many people in the world of dating simply ghost instead of communicating. It isn’t right to but it’s the reality. She has to consider that a possibility.

Edited January 6, 2021 by Snow_Queen

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Snow_Queen said:

Unfortunately, many people in the world of dating simply ghost instead of communicating. It isn’t right to but it’s the reality. She has to consider that a possibility.

I know but I will never accept that as being acceptable, not after the amount of time and intimacy they shared based on everything dmf posted.  IMO, it's cruel, I mean to say nothing after what they've shared leaving her thinking god only knows what?

Anyway, we're getting ahead of ourselves; let's just wait and see what happens in the next couple of days.

Fingers crossed it all works out.  

 

[dmf]

Thanks everyone.. no I haven’t heard from him. When I talked to him Tuesday night he specifically said I’d be hearing from him.. I know he has the kids until tomorrow so honestly if I don’t hear from him by tomorrow night I will have to ask what’s up and probably call it off if he’s not willing to talk through things and give a good explanation for the sudden change. 
I’ve got absolutely no problem with reading the vibe and giving space, like I’ve been doing, but I agree - for it to go on for more than a couple of days without any communication and with me sitting around questioning things.. that’s not the relationship I want. 
 

He is really not the type of person who would ghost or do the slow fade but I can imagine it’s more of a case of not wanting to look like an a**h*** so he’s possibly trying to think how best to end it or else hoping I’ll end it first so he doesn’t have to  

I guess I’m just really confused on the why. I can’t imagine being so quick to end something which genuinely started off with such an amazing foundation of compatibility, attraction, laughter, and communication. We’ve had so many talks about the things we want from life and we both have very unusual goals yet they align perfectly. It’s very rare.. no that doesn’t mean he owes me a relationship but i just don’t understand how, after all he’s invested into this, that it’s not enough to just have a conversation and say “hey I’m feeling X way, can we back off a bit” or “I’m worried about X thing”

Can people truly go from 100 to 0 so easily? That’s astounding to me

[Miss Spider]

23 minutes ago, dmf said:

Thanks everyone.. no I haven’t heard from him. When I talked to him Tuesday night he specifically said I’d be hearing from him.. I know he has the kids until tomorrow so honestly if I don’t hear from him by tomorrow night I will have to ask what’s up and probably call it off if he’s not willing to talk through things and give a good explanation for the sudden change. 
I’ve got absolutely no problem with reading the vibe and giving space, like I’ve been doing, but I agree - for it to go on for more than a couple of days without any communication and with me sitting around questioning things.. that’s not the relationship I want. 
 

He is really not the type of person who would ghost or do the slow fade but I can imagine it’s more of a case of not wanting to look like an a**h*** so he’s possibly trying to think how best to end it or else hoping I’ll end it first so he doesn’t have to  

I guess I’m just really confused on the why. I can’t imagine being so quick to end something which genuinely started off with such an amazing foundation of compatibility, attraction, laughter, and communication. We’ve had so many talks about the things we want from life and we both have very unusual goals yet they align perfectly. It’s very rare.. no that doesn’t mean he owes me a relationship but i just don’t understand how, after all he’s invested into this, that it’s not enough to just have a conversation and say “hey I’m feeling X way, can we back off a bit” or “I’m worried about X thing”

Can people truly go from 100 to 0 so easily? That’s astounding to me

That’s the problem with people reading these books and taking this stuff as ‘gospel’. One person saying that it is normal for people that are X way to pull away for X number of days and that is fine and normal. they come back, everything is fine; nope it’s still a sign/flag. Those books pop off and become a bestseller because that is what people want to hear.

There are other ways to ask for space if that is genuinely what they need. But it’s not that and is not normal for an interested person. It’s a sign of disinterest and doubt. People that gloss over that are glossing over a red flag.

People don’t normally go from 100 to 0. I mean, things can go downhill pretty fast after only a month, but it’s not usually 100 to 0.  It can look like 100 to 0 from your perspective, because they have hidden how they truly feel. They are not sure. They are in a limbo type of situation and don’t always show it or come out and say it. That would be burning a bridge. 

Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

Books and articles are a guide, they should never be taken as gospel and I don't believe anyone said they should.

There are some great books out there, written by reputable psychologists and the like.    Use them as a tool, as a guide, along with your intuition and how a man treats you, your connection and how well you get on together.

It's all those things combined that will determine how you choose to proceed.

 

 

Edited January 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[dmf]

I haven’t been reading any books I’m not too sure why that was brought up 

[Miss Spider]

5 minutes ago, dmf said:

I haven’t been reading any books I’m not too sure why that was brought up 

Sorry  I was just referring to what you said in the OP about where some people pull away at the beginning and it’s a normal part of the process… That theory was largely propagated  by a bestselling book someone wrote... ‘cavemanning’ ‘ rubber band theory’ etc etc 

Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Saracena]

28 minutes ago, dmf said:

Thanks everyone.. no I haven’t heard from him. When I talked to him Tuesday night he specifically said I’d be hearing from him.. I know he has the kids until tomorrow so honestly if I don’t hear from him by tomorrow night I will have to ask what’s up and probably call it off if he’s not willing to talk through things and give a good explanation for the sudden change. 

No, please DO NOT contact him.

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, dmf said:

I haven’t been reading any books I’m not too sure why that was brought up 

I and another poster mentioned John Gray and the Mars/Venus series of books.  I also mentioned Esther Perel videos which imo are an excellent resource, I've learned a lot from her.

dmf, you posted that you talked to him Tuesday night and he said you would be hearing from him?  I don't where you live, but where I am it's Wednesday afternoon.  Not even 24 hours.  

 

Edited January 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, Saracena said:

No, please DO NOT contact him.

I agree.  If you do, please don't ask him "what's up" seeking reassurance.  No, no no. You need to show him through actions you are independent, and that you will be okay whether you hear from him or not.  This means living your life and not reaching out.  Or if you do, make it short and light.  Not to seek reassurance or ask what's going on.  

I've done both actually (not reached out or reached out with something light and playful.)  

If he's ambivalent about you or where he wants this go to, flip the script.  Show him through actions you are fine either way which you actually should be!

You're strong, independent.  Get him wondering about YOU!

 

Edited January 6, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

You find yourself in the precarious situation that a lot of people find themselves in when they tolerate behavior like this:(disinterested, push pull, stringing along, distant  type behavior) you being the more interested party are the one that needs to wait until he sorts it.  He could’ve completely checked out (not necessarily, but maybe) but you are waiting still. So you chill out and when he comes back you act like nothing ever happened. Obviously, completely up to you how much of this behavior you tolerate until you pull the plug ... but I highly doubt you’re going to end it after this one time. People usually don’t. I agree that having a conversation about it is not going to do much good. It doesn’t make a disinterested   person any more  interested. So you just wait and hope it gets sorted  

Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

dmf, I know your anxious, that's understandable.  But try to not let that anxiety drive your ship here.  It will work against you.

[dmf]

21 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I and another poster mentioned John Gray and the Mars/Venus series of books.  I also mentioned Esther Perel videos which imo are an excellent resource, I've learned a lot from her.

dmf, you posted that you talked to him Tuesday night and he said you would be hearing from him?  I don't where you live, but where I am it's Wednesday afternoon.  Not even 24 hours.  

 

I’m in australia so it’s thursday morning here

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, dmf said:

I’m in australia so it’s thursday morning here

Oh wow okay, it's 4:00 pm Wed here.   Well if you do not hear from him tonight, something definitely IS up.  I still wouldn't ask though.  What I would be doing is rethinking whether I want to continue forward with him, assuming he reaches out at some point and wants to.  2+ days is too long, not after the intimate vacay and what you've shared.  

Please keep us posted and I am sorry you're dealing with this.  I've been there too, definitely NOT fun.

Edited January 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, dmf said:

 

Can people truly go from 100 to 0 so easily?

Yes. When he's with his kids and talking with thier mother and dealing with the holidays.

Especially when this was light breezy casual fun. Now he's back to reality and his priorities.

A vacation high is not the baseline. What's happening now is.

It doesn't mean he's ghosting or ending it, but take note that he's a single dad. Heavy duty talks this early on won't change his circumstances or responsibilities.

Keep your angst in check. Particularly if you are going to date single parents over the holidays.

[Calmandfocused]

I agree that you should leave the ball in his court and wait. 
 

You make references to him not being a ghoster and/ or a slow fader yet his behaviour is telling me that’s exactly what he is. 
 

At best he is a flip flopper and/ or a push-puller which indicates on some level that he is emotionally unavailable. 
 

I strongly sense that he will be back but I suspect that this is not the last you see of this behaviour. Prepare yourself. The chances are he will do it again and the chances are he will hurt you. 
 

In the meantime do nothing and carry on with your life. 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, dmf said:

Yeah I understand. I guess I just thought there was a chance of it working since every single one of his words matched up to his actions and how much he was investing

That's the problem with moving too fast - you don't know the person well enough to determine how sincere they actually are. 1 month isn't long enough to know whether he is a guy who keeps his word and attaches emotional significance to the things he's saying and doing - or if he's just impulsive. 

You also don't know him well enough to assert with much confidence that he isn't the type of guy who would ghost or pull a slow fade. For all practical purposes, 30 days just gives you a snippet of who a person truly is. Don't make the mistake of assuming you know what type of person he is, good or bad. He's showing you he's not exactly who you thought. 

Edited January 7, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[d0nnivain]

16 hours ago, dmf said:

while I don’t necessarily disagree that we moved too fast, it’s difficult to regret it when we moved at a pace that felt right/comfortable for us -
 

Maybe your "right" pace is still too fast.  In the future, you may need a pace that is slower then you would prefer.

I'm a fast talker.  A great public speaking coach said to me that the proper pace for my speaking is one that sounds painfully slow to my ears. 

Similarly when I met the man who is now my husband, he crawled at a snail's pace.  He didn't kiss me until our 3rd date.  I was going to break up with him if he hadn't kissed me that night. 

None of that helps with this guy, but it's something to think about

 

13 hours ago, dmf said:

 I will have to ask what’s up and probably call it off if he’s not willing to talk through things and give a good explanation for the sudden change.

 
 for it to go on for more than a couple of days without any communication and with me sitting around questioning things.. that’s not the relationship I want. 

I can’t imagine being so quick to end something which genuinely started off with such an amazing foundation of compatibility, attraction, laughter, and communication. We’ve had so many talks about the things we want from life and we both have very unusual goals yet they align perfectly. It’s very rare.. no that doesn’t mean he owes me a relationship but i just don’t understand how, after all he’s invested into this, that it’s not enough to just have a conversation and say “hey I’m feeling X way, can we back off a bit” or “I’m worried about X thing”

Can people truly go from 100 to 0 so easily? That’s astounding to me

Yes, people can go from 100 to 0 that quickly especially when they think they moved too fast & the whole vacation overwhelmed them.   Most people can't have the conversation about their fears & concerns.  Instead they shut down.

You talked to him Tuesday & I think you said it's Thursday night now.  That's not a "a couple of days".  It's 2.   Your relationship is too new for the obligation for daily communication. 

What happened to the idea of you sending him a fun picture from your hike to gauge his reaction?  I guarantee if you "ask what's up" & demand some sort of explanation, you will make him defensive & he will get annoyed.  Just send the picture from the hike & see what happens.  If he calls, hear him out.  A few conversations & days later you can revisit your expectations about communication frequency but not in this 1st communication.  If he ghosts, now you you know he is the kind of person to do that.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Yes, people can go from 100 to 0 that quickly especially when they think they moved too fast & the whole vacation overwhelmed them.   Most people can't have the conversation about their fears & concerns.  Instead they shut down.

You talked to him Tuesday & I think you said it's Thursday night now.  That's not a "a couple of days".  It's 2.   Your relationship is too new for the obligation for daily communication. 

What happened to the idea of you sending him a fun picture from your hike to gauge his reaction?  I guarantee if you "ask what's up" & demand some sort of explanation, you will make him defensive & he will get annoyed.  Just send the picture from the hike & see what happens.  If he calls, hear him out.  A few conversations & days later you can revisit your expectations about communication frequency but not in this 1st communication.  If he ghosts, now you you know he is the kind of person to do that.

This!  Really good advice.  Spot on.  Cut and paste to fridge.  

Pay particular attention to bolded. 

Edited January 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[Stret]

Could this be the problem " I had gone away again to camp a little more (still on leave for another week) so let him know I’d call the next day instead"?

Is he perhaps the jealous type? Does he perhaps now feel as if you will meet other guys and does that make him insecure? You really don't know much about him as you haven't seen him in all situations. 

[JackD]

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You talked to him Tuesday & I think you said it's Thursday night now.  That's not a "a couple of days".  It's 2.   

 

Off topic but you do realise a couple of days is exactly 2 days? Not 1 more not 1 less. Couple is 2 by definition. Couple of days = 2 days. Maybe you were thinking of 'a few' days which would indicate 2 or more by definition.