dmf Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 TLDR: New relationship and bf is being very distant after we spent 4 days away together (which went well!) - has previously been extremely healthy, consistent, and wonderful up until now. Do men really sometimes just need space to recharge or is he likely rethinking things? What’s the healthiest thing for me to do/best way to handle this? Do I ask what’s up or just continue giving space? Full story if you’re in the mood for a novel: So. I’ve had horrendous luck with men so I genuinely don’t have a lot of positive experiences to go on here.. I thought my luck had changed and I’ve now been thrown for a loop so hoping I can get some insight. backstory: I met a guy on Hinge, we exchanged only a few messages before he called me and we set up a date - I really didn’t have very high expectations and was feeling a bit jaded by OLD at this point but thought “why not”. well. I went, and it was the best date I’ve ever been on. Mind blowing. The first date is a story within itself but it resulted in us both pausing our dating profiles. He actually fully deleted his after another couple of days, then I deleted mine after our second date. He did everything I’ve always wanted from a man - he was attentive, romantic, interested, never afraid to be forward. We had a string of incredible dates and agreed neither of us had ever found a connection like this before. He constantly talks about future things he wants to do with me, we are always coming up with adventures, and he has called me his girlfriend a couple of times (he’s 34, I’m 29 for context). Throughout all of this, I’ve been very much letting him dictate the pace, I’m comfortable with how fast we’ve moved but never wanted to put any pressure on it. He has called me every single night since we met and I’ve even briefly met his mum. the holiday: I was planning on driving to another city to spend Christmas with my family then road tripping back down over a few days, we decided he should fly up and join me on the roadie. He missed his flight on the day (lemon) and paid double what the change fee would have been just so he could get on a flight that arrived an hour earlier than the changed one would have. He met my relatives who I was staying with, got on great, then we headed off. The road trip was amazing, we spent 4 days driving, listening to music, laughing, swimming, exploring, and camping + a lot of (amazing) sex. No arguments and we had good team work and communication when we encountered any hiccups. On the last day especially I felt a bit of a change in vibe, he didn’t make any references to us doing anything in the future or allude to when we would see each other again. I chalked it up to him missing his kids (he was picking them up the night he got back), and being a bit stressed about a COVID outbreak that might affect his business. He was still affectionate, less than usual but still initiated holding my hand while driving, putting his arm around me walking, and kissing me spontaneously. We got to his house, kissed goodbye enthusiastically as ever and he asked me to text him when I got home safely - I did and he replied pretty quickly and said thanks for a great roadie and made a little joke - it felt very platonic but I didn’t think much of it. I thought we could probably use a bit of space to decompress after so much time together, so didn’t initiate any contact until the next day when I let him know he’d left a couple of things in my car. He texted back later and said he’d call me tonight, I had gone away again to camp a little more (still on leave for another week) so let him know I’d call the next day instead. No response. I called him last night as discussed and it was definitely very different to how all of our other conversations have been.. very surface level, he did make one slightly flirty joke at the start but none of the usual affection was there. Again no mention of when we would see each other. I feel like we have been so good at communicating and something has just shifted on his end - he mentioned he is possibly getting a bit sick so I’m not sure if that contributed. Basically: it feels there’s a massive distance between us. I’m not opposed to a bit of space as we have just spent a lot of time together and moved quite quickly. I guess what I want to understand is; Is it true that men need some space and time to decompress? is it possible that he really is just taking a bit of time to recharge or am I being naive and he’s slamming on the breaks and rethinking this whole thing? At the moment I’m just leaving the ball in his court but is it best to ask him what’s up? Or just continue to leave it until he talks willingly. I worked really hard on drafting up a house and site plan for a property he’s looking at (we have discussed me doing this as it’s my field) and I’m not sure if sending it now will cheer him up or just feel like I’m putting pressure on. I realise that at the end of the day if it’s meant to be, it will be - I just want some insight on the truth about pulling away a bit and the best and most compassionate/healthy way to handle it.
d0nnivain Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 After the 1st time for all that togetherness, I'd need to back off too. Just give him space. Do reach out maybe every other day. Don't ask him what's up just yet. Be chill even as that is making you crazy. You plan something for this coming weekend. Ask him about it on say Thursday. If you don't get a good response to that you have a problem on your hands but not patience is the best thing.
Author dmf Posted January 5, 2021 Author Posted January 5, 2021 7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: After the 1st time for all that togetherness, I'd need to back off too. Just give him space. Do reach out maybe every other day. Don't ask him what's up just yet. Be chill even as that is making you crazy. You plan something for this coming weekend. Ask him about it on say Thursday. If you don't get a good response to that you have a problem on your hands but not patience is the best thing. Thank you so much - I’m going to head away again hiking tomorrow so I’ll just focus on that, maybe send him a photo of the view It was making me a bit crazy yesterday, but I’ve reached an acceptance now where I realise I probably can’t change the outcome so if it’s all too much and he wants to back off entirely - he’s just not the one. It’s just a shame and a shock because it’s been going so so well and I can’t think of anything that would have caused a rift besides just a bit too much time together.
Saracena Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 It's not clear how long exactly you've been seeing each other. I certainly agree about giving space after spending all that time together, BUT I'd leave it to him to resume contact. Difficult to say at this point what's really going on and only time will tell. Could be the above or something entirely different. So I'd play it cool for now and not contact him at all! 2
Miss Spider Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 (edited) My guess is he has lost a little interest since spending more time together. You guys really didn’t know each other much and jumped into things. Unless you get really lucky, if you didn’t take time to evaluate things in the beginning, you start evaluating things after time has passed and you’ve gotten closer to the person. In my experience, once the newness wears off and you’ve become really close to someone, kind of lose interest unless you’re genuinely into them. I agree with others that the best course of action is to mirror and give space. Doing the opposite will not be good. You seem to rush in really fast and say that things are amazing and never felt that way ( said that about the guy that was topic of your last thread) But two sides to the story. Edited January 5, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
poppyfields Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 (edited) Hi dmf, goodness your story was riveting! I was right there with ya the whole time. Anyway to answer your question, are you familiar with John Gray? He writes a lot about men getting close and then pulling away. If you leave them be, they return, recharged. I have experienced that myself in my own relationships, so there is some validity to it. During this time of uncertainty, stay busy with your own life, and have faith and trust in your connection and on the beautiful time you spent together on your trip. Ask yourself why, after having such an awesome together, would he suddenly lose interest? If that's what you're thinking. My guess is he didn't, he just got super close and now needs a breather. It makes sense to me anyway based on my own experiences, the experiences of friends and what I have read. Whatever you do, do NOT start acting clingy seeking reassurance. Just do your own thing and leave him be. Try and stay positive and let us know what happens!! Edited January 5, 2021 by poppyfields
Miss Spider Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 (edited) I don’t know. I don’t know if we should propagate that John gray rubber band stuff as anything close to a normal cycle of relationship. I have lots of friends in relationships and have been in a handful relationships myself. That is not characteristic of all relationships. Not all people run away because they need a breather from intimacy. I would say that if someone runs away because they need a breather from intimacy that is a red flag Obviously, it is an exception if you are a lvl 5 clinger/ smother the person. Then there is not a red flag on their part as much as they are just trying to get away from you like they ought to lol Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
ShyViolet Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 You don't say exactly how long you have been seeing him, but I am getting the impression that you moved too fast. 2 1
Author dmf Posted January 6, 2021 Author Posted January 6, 2021 4 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: My guess is he has lost a little interest since spending more time together. You guys really didn’t know each other much and jumped into things. Unless you get really lucky, if you didn’t take time to evaluate things in the beginning, you start evaluating things after time has passed and you’ve gotten closer to the person. In my experience, once the newness wears off and you’ve become really close to someone, kind of lose interest unless you’re genuinely into them. I agree with others that the best course of action is to mirror and give space. Doing the opposite will not be good. You seem to rush in really fast and say that things are amazing and never felt that way ( said that about the guy that was topic of your last thread) But two sides to the story. Yeah that was a gross misread on my behalf with that guy. I definitely do get swept up easily - but as I said I’m very confident that with this guy that I have let him lead and dictate the pace. It genuinely has been at his initiative. But it has all felt right and comfortable 1 1
poppyfields Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: You don't say exactly how long you have been seeing him, but I am getting the impression that you moved too fast. I think so too. If/when things normalize, try to slow the pace. Guys who move fast, have a tendency to bolt just as fast. I hope that is not the case, what's that saying "hope for the best, be prepared for the worst"? Hopefully he's just feeling a bit overwhelmed with emotion and needing some space. Edited January 6, 2021 by poppyfields
Author dmf Posted January 6, 2021 Author Posted January 6, 2021 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Hi dmf, goodness your story was riveting! I was right there with ya the whole time. Anyway to answer your question, are you familiar with John Gray? He writes a lot about men getting close and then pulling away. If you leave them be, they return, recharged. I have experienced that myself in my own relationships, so there is some validity to it. During this time of uncertainty, stay busy with your own life, and have faith and trust in your connection and on the beautiful time you spent together on your trip. Ask yourself why, after having such an awesome together, would he suddenly lose interest? If that's what you're thinking. My guess is he didn't, he just got super close and now needs a breather. It makes sense to me anyway based on my own experiences, the experiences of friends and what I have read. Whatever you do, do NOT start acting clingy seeking reassurance. Just do your own thing and leave him be. Stay positive and let us know what happens!! Thank you!! I myself even feel a bit of a need just to chill for a couple of days so I wouldn’t blame him for feeling that way - it’s just that when I have texted him the couple of times I’ve still used my usual affectionate/flirty style of communication where as he seems much more distant. I don’t know. I guess we’ll see.
Author dmf Posted January 6, 2021 Author Posted January 6, 2021 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: I think so too. If/when things normalize, try to slow the pace. If he never returns, then you dodged a bullet imo. Possibly. It just felt so comfortable from the second we met and neither of us wanted to play games so we just went with what felt natural. I’m wondering whether we should have spent so much time together and if it has maybe removed some of the mystery/magic but it’s done now so all I can do is see what happens
poppyfields Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 1 minute ago, dmf said: Possibly. It just felt so comfortable from the second we met and neither of us wanted to play games so we just went with what felt natural. I’m wondering whether we should have spent so much time together and if it has maybe removed some of the mystery/magic but it’s done now so all I can do is see what happens I edited that post dmf.
Miss Spider Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) Yes, I don’t know. I would definitely listen to what the others donn, poppy et al have said to just back off… A lot... It’s your best ‘bet’... I think if someone went cold all of a sudden that would be a bit too “bipolar”/moody for me. I’ve never experienced it before, but I think I would lose interest. I like my relationships to be steady and normal. As in, if we had a great time together in over the holidays, I would expect that to continue. You shouldn’t put up with a bunch of back-and-forth BS. I get some people are fine with that and some people even like it. But to me it demonstrates a very unbalanced relationship dynamic or someone just has some issues. Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1 1
poppyfields Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, dmf said: Possibly. It just felt so comfortable from the second we met and neither of us wanted to play games so we just went with what felt natural. I’m wondering whether we should have spent so much time together and if it has maybe removed some of the mystery/magic but it’s done now so all I can do is see what happens Possibly which is why you leave him be, take space and get him wondering about you again. Give him a chance to miss you. JMO but the course to love is rarely linear. You move forward, back, forward, like a dance. A bit of push/pull which often gets a bad rap. But a little of it is okay. Again just my experience. You need to be flexible and secure to handle it all without falling to pieces. Having faith and trust in the connection your share helps a lot, it's always what got me through those uncertain times anyway. After taking some space and leaving my boyfriends alone, they always came back. This is just in the early stages after getting super close. Feeling vulnerable and emotionally intimate is a "scary" prospect for some men. I dunno I have learned to understand it. Yin/yang, Mars/Venus. Edited January 6, 2021 by poppyfields
Author dmf Posted January 6, 2021 Author Posted January 6, 2021 5 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Possibly which is why you leave him be, take space and get him wondering about you again. Give him a chance to miss you. JMO but the course to love is rarely linear. You move forward, back, forward, like a dance. A bit of push/pull which often gets a bad rap. But a little of it is okay. Again just my experience. You need to be flexible and secure to handle it all without falling to pieces. Having faith and trust in the connection your share helps a lot, it's always what got me through those uncertain times anyway. After taking some space and me leaving my boyfriends alone, they always came back. This is just in the early stages after getting super close. Thank you you give such good advice. It’s really nice to hear that backing off and giving space has resulted in rebalancing for you.. I guess I was looking for a bit of affirmation that sometimes it really is that simple and it doesn’t necessarily mean things are over.
lana-banana Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 The best way to handle it is to dial yourself back immediately, and don't give any more than you get. If he calls you again suddenly craving you and is back on top of all the flirty/romantic/etc stuff, then by all means reciprocate it. But don't double-text, indicate that you desperately miss him, anything like that. You'll find out soon enough whether this is just him decompressing or his reconsidering the situation. I do think it's usually a bad sign when the tempo or vibe changes suddenly, but it may be too soon in this relationship to fully know what that means. Guard your heart and take time to yourself.
Author dmf Posted January 6, 2021 Author Posted January 6, 2021 9 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Yes, I don’t know. I would definitely listen to what the others donn, poppy et al have said to just back off… A lot... It’s your best ‘bet’... I think if someone went cold all of a sudden that would be a bit too “bipolar”/moody for me. I’ve never experienced it before, but I think I would lose interest. I like my relationships to be steady and normal. As in, if we had a great time together in over the holidays, I would expect that to continue. You shouldn’t put up with a bunch of back-and-forth BS. I get some people are fine with that and some people even like it. But to me it demonstrates a very unbalanced relationship dynamic or someone just has some issues. I hear you, and that thought crossed my mind too. But at the end of the day I know that I’ve sometimes needed a bit of chill space too - I do agree though, that if it becomes something very regular I’d definitely end this as it’s not a dynamic I want to have to deal with on an ongoing basis. Before I went away for Christmas we spent two full days together which went really well and there was no drop/change in contact afterwards - I don’t know if that makes this situation better or worse
poppyfields Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) 17 minutes ago, dmf said: Thank you you give such good advice. It’s really nice to hear that backing off and giving space has resulted in rebalancing for you.. I guess I was looking for a bit of affirmation that sometimes it really is that simple and it doesn’t necessarily mean things are over. Thank you, that's nice to hear. Basically just going from my own experiences, and a bit of reading for more understanding. I am not always right. That said, no it does not necessarily mean it's over, BUT there is a chance it might be. There are men who will come on super strong and fast, and then disappear or begin doing the slow fade. Just do your own thing and be prepared for anything. I have learned to embrace uncertainty so I am fine with a little distance or push/pull. Not everyone is though. In fact, most aren't. Hang in! You have a great attitude. Edited January 6, 2021 by poppyfields
snowboy91 Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 Some people just need significant amounts of chill time (it's not just a man thing). He might just be one of those people - especially if he's got other things happening that are stressing him out. Or he may be reconsidering as well - only time will tell. Either way I'd give him his space and reach out every couple of days. I'll put it to you this way - even if it doesn't work out you had what sounds like an amazing trip. 2
JackD Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 Male view here. It was all fun and exciting, meeting someone new he connected with, jumping on a plane, road trip, new sex, enjoying the moment etc. Now reality has hit - if this continues, single life sacrifices will have to be made, new girlfriend responsibilities will have to be made. No more doing whatever he wants, no more meeting someone new, jumping on a plane to see them, no more new sex etc. He's now thinking over if it is worth it. If YOU are worth it. Is this a good sign? Definitely not. If he was 100% in there would be no hesitation. What is the best thing you do now? As mentioned by others, as little as possible. Step back. Let him figure it out. If it's not meant to be, he's not the one for you and one day you will meet someone who will appreciate a good thing without putting the breaks on. 6
Miss Spider Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) yeah. And it’s not just a male thing either, by the way. I’m a woman and I’ve done this too . “This guy is cool and hot . Let’s get in a relationship! Yee!” -time lapses, lots of emotionally intimacy occurs, know pretty much everything about them; novelty of sex fades, friends and family maybe met, etc etc- “OK. I’m getting tired of this now....the shininess is kind of worn off. There’s no urgency to set a new date because I’m already cuffed to this guy. Do I want to be cuffed to this guy? Maybe... but maybe not..., but I’m in a relationship with them and also my pulling away to reconsider has triggered some kind of knee-jerk reaction from them to get even more interested/needier/ask me what’s wrong. Oh sh-“ Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
Author dmf Posted January 6, 2021 Author Posted January 6, 2021 5 minutes ago, JackD said: Male view here. It was all fun and exciting, meeting someone new he connected with, jumping on a plane, road trip, new sex, enjoying the moment etc. Now reality has hit - if this continues, single life sacrifices will have to be made, new girlfriend responsibilities will have to be made. No more doing whatever he wants, no more meeting someone new, jumping on a plane to see them, no more new sex etc. He's now thinking over if it is worth it. If YOU are worth it. Is this a good sign? Definitely not. If he was 100% in there would be no hesitation. What is the best thing you do now? As mentioned by others, as little as possible. Step back. Let him figure it out. If it's not meant to be, he's not the one for you and one day you will meet someone who will appreciate a good thing without putting the breaks on. Thanks, I appreciate your perspective - I wondered this too. I guess what’s confusing is he is the one who moved to make it both exclusive, and then official not long after. If you’re not sure about a relationship then why do that, you know? I never pushed for exclusivity or a label, I was just letting things develop.
Author dmf Posted January 6, 2021 Author Posted January 6, 2021 1 minute ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: yeah. And it’s not just a male thing either by the way. I’m a woman and I’ve done this too. “This guy is cool and hot . Let’s get in a relationship! Yee!” -time lapses, lots of intimacy occurs, novelty of sex fades, friends and family maybe met, etc etc- “OK. I’m getting tired of this now....the shininess is kind of worn off. There’s no urgency to set a new date because I’m already cuffed to this guy. Do I want to be cuffed to this guy? Maybe... but maybe not..., but I’m in a relationship with them and also my pulling away to reconsider has triggered some kind of knee-jerk reaction from them to get even more interested/needier/ask me what’s wrong. Oh sh-“ I feel. I’ve never rushed into an actual relationship before but I’ve definitely gotten swept up in someone where it quickly became too much for me. I honestly don’t feel like I’ve been needy/clingy AT ALL in this case though - I haven’t asked what’s up, just had a bubbly chat with him where I asked what he’s been doing with the kidlets and told him about my 2 night camp. No texting beyond letting him know his things are in my car and replying to say I’d call him when I was back home. I hope he’s not pulling back to see if I’ll chase for a while because I won’t
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