VB_140 Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 Hi, I really need some help and advice as I am going out of my mind, please dont just tell me to forget him and move on as if I could do that I wouldn't be here. I have been dating a guy for just under 2 months, I was going amazingly well. He would voice note me every day asking how my day was and telling me about his. When we were together the chemistry was insane, we really fancy each other and he would make it obvious how much he liked me. We. watched films together and he'd pull me close in to him and kiss my head, he told me id get on well with his daughter, he spoke about buying wine glasses to keep at his for me, he mad me laugh and we really had a great time together. We went for a spa day and he help my hand across the table at lunch talking about the type of house he wants in the future and asking what id like, seeing if we both agreed which we did. I got him some bits for Christmas, not much but just some silly things which would make him smile. He didn't get me anything and he said he felt really bad about it. Christmas is where is all went wrong. He spent it with his Ex wife (they are separated) they broke up earlier this year as she cheated on him. He seemed absolutely fine though and mentioned it to me how he was getting the house valued to buy her out etc. He messaged me on Boxing Day saying she's now left and said it was like having a lodger in his house that he didn't like but got on well with the kids. We were meant to see each other the day after Boxing Day but he was at his Mums and told me he'd be there most of the day. He ended up coming over as I broke my light and asked him if he could fix it at some point, he said he can come over later which made me so happy! He slept over and we had an incredible night although we did get on to the chat of 'where it was going' I can't remember how it got bought up I def didnt ask as I wouldn't do that but we both had had some wine. He told me he's not ready for a serious relationship and happy to carry on as we are but he's been with his ex wife since he was 19 (now 35) and just feels he needs to be single for a while and find himself. I said that's totally fine and am happy to continue as we are taking it slow etc. Anyway when he left I got a voice note a few hours later he sounded distressed and said he's just sent off his marriage certificate and said I know we spoke about it last night but im really not ready for a relationship I am so sorry as you are a great person but I will speak to you soon. I replied saying I hope you're ok and its fine, ill take a step back and give you some space to sort your head out and do what you have to do for you. He didn't reply. He then text me on NYE saying happy new year I hope 2021 brings you everything you want and everything you need and I am sure your new business will be a success. I replied saying the same but also said that sounds pretty final which is upsetting, I think the world of you and am happy to continue as we are with nothing serious. He replied saying It definitely didn't mean to come across as final and that he would like to see me again. He said he's getting counselling and sorting his head out but is looking forward to seeing me again eventually. He then text me after midnight saying happy new year with a kiss. I haven't heard anything since and I feel like I could explode, I miss him so much! I had no idea how much I had fallen for him and its killing me but its also killing me that's he's hurting and not talking to me, I thought I could be a good distraction to keep his mind off what's he's going through but he's just totally shut me out. I have no idea if he will get in touch but I keep trusting the universe and manifesting. Trying to stay positive but one minute I can see he's been on tinder (we both still have our profiles up) then the next minute I think what if he's getting back with his wife... my head is just exploding and I cant stop crying! Lockdown isn't helping either as I have nothing to focus my energy on and cant just get on with my life. I dont understand why he doesn't want to see me when I made him so happy at the start of when we dated, I feel broken I have no idea what to do with myself, everything reminds me of something he said or something we did and it hurts so much. He told me he fancied me on our first date, he called me beautiful, sexy, fit, awesome so I know he likes me. Why is he shutting me out? I will happily wait for him as I have been single a long time and I have never met a man who has made me feel like he has. Please help, do you think he will come back? Please say you think he will
introverted1 Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 It sounds as though he is not over his ex. Although she cheated and he may know intellectually that he does not want to be with her, this does not mean his feelings for her have turned off. In addition, it appears that there could be a reconciliation under way, as evidenced by her spending the night on Christmas. Even if that's not the case, it appears that seeing her at Christmas stirred up some inner turmoil for him. Bottom line is that he has not thoroughly processed that relationship and is in no place to start a new one, even casually (especially since, if he has any intuition at all, he'll have realised that your feelings are far from casual). As for whether he will be back.. it is possible, but, even if he is back, it is likely you will be a rebound for him -- someone who helps him process his divorce and readies him for his next "real" relationship. Much as you don't want to hear it, the best thing you can do is to move on. Date a man who is free to love you and commit to you. 3
Emilie Jolie Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 1 hour ago, VB_140 said: I have been dating a guy for just under 2 months, That's about 60 days all in all, if I understand your OP correctly? 1 hour ago, VB_140 said: He didn't get me anything Not a good sign. 1 hour ago, VB_140 said: He spent it with his Ex wife (they are separated) He's not single. 1 hour ago, VB_140 said: He messaged me on Boxing Day saying she's now left and said it was like having a lodger in his house that he didn't like but got on well with the kids He's still living with her. 1 hour ago, VB_140 said: said I know we spoke about it last night but im really not ready for a relationship I am so sorry as you are a great person but I will speak to you soon See bolded. 1 hour ago, VB_140 said: . He didn't reply. Self-explanatory. 1 hour ago, VB_140 said: I can see he's been on tinder Also not a good sign. 1 hour ago, VB_140 said: I will happily wait for him It's up to you of course, but I personally wouldn't, based on the above quote. I'm sorry, VB_40. 1
trident_2020 Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 You are the definition of a rebound. He's not anywhere near ready for a new relationship. Hard lesson learned. Don't date people who are still involved with, living with, or recently separated from their ex. Odds are astronomically low that it will work out in your favor. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 Oh, girl. You were the rebound. This guy isn't ready to date anyone, and probably won't be for a long time yet. He'll probably sleep around a bit (ie his Tinder use) but a relationship? Not any time soon. No Contact is your best bet, by far. Don't wait for him. 2
Calmandfocused Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 Op I think he really likes you. However I agree that he’s really not ready for a new relationship, nor has he processed the breakdown of his marriage. i think he went on tinder to get himself a bit of sex for a bit of fun and help his recovery. I don’t think he expected to find you, someone he really likes. Bottom line; he’s not ready for you or a relationship. I know it hurts but don’t wait for this guy. You could be waiting forever.
Versacehottie Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 He's not talking to you because he can't give you what you want. You say slow but it's getting too real for him. In a way you think you can keep chipping away at his objections to a relationship and get what you want. He already knows this and it interferes with what he wants. He sees no way to do this successfully and have the single time, healing time or potential reconciliation with his wife. You have to do what you said you would do. Walk away, let him do his thing. It sure seems like a classic rebound. Not talking to you is the best thing he can do because the alternative is cruel as it gets your hopes up, You HAVE to find ways to focus on your own life, your real life and not this fantasy one with him. Goodluck
smackie9 Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 The holidays come around and they find themselves reminiscing and probably reconciling. You were just a rebound.
ShyViolet Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 This is not what you've said you "want to hear" but it's the truth. He told you he can't be with you. He was honest. Now you have no choice but to accept that. Sitting around driving yourself crazy and wringing your hands over it is not going to help anything and will not get him back. 3
Miss Spider Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 (edited) Will he come back? Probably. Unless someone does something horrible to someone(and sometimes even then), it seems like they usually come back. If only just because all the other options ran out lol. Not that you should in any way, shape, or form take him back ... Edited January 5, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
Allupinnit Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 Oh no. This same thing happened to me. But we WERE in a r'ship, met each other's families, said ILY, etc. I was CRAZY about him. Then one day he said he needed some space and it CRUSHED me. He came back sorta, but for what amounted to a few booty calls and I was left even more heartbroken and confused. It took me a very long time to get over it because like a fool I chased him and he could never tell me it was really over between us. Now, I suspect he was going back and forth between me and an ex. The only way you are going to move on is to block him. These little texts here and there are going to make you crazy because you'll never know what it really means and drive yourself nuts wondering what was going on in his head. Please don't do what I did and wait around like an idiot. I now wish I had told him to go sh*t in his hat and not allowed him to jerk me around like he did for months afterward. Do not reach out; tie oven mitts onto your hands if you have to stop yourself from texting him, delete and block him, don't stalk him on Tinder; it is NOT a good sign that he is back on there. This same guy I mentioned went on to marry another girl within a couple of months of meeting her and 10+ years later they are still together and have three kids. Girl I'm so sorry but you are not "it" for him. The good news is, I DID go on to meet someone I was totally "it" for. You will too, I promise. 1
Versacehottie Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 Totally agree with the above ^^^. The only thing that I don't find odd is that he's back on Tinder. Being that it's known first and foremost as a hookup app or for casual relationships, I think that just strengths the argument that this is exactly what he wants and can handle right now. It's part of "him being single". I think this is the most likely scenario vs him getting back together with his wife (maybe she doesn't/didn't want him---so he needs the ego boost of a variety of women wanting him). While it's not a red flag as far as his reason for not wanting to date the OP being legit, it certainly is a red flag for her continuing to hang onto him or chase or wait for him. That's literally not what he has in mind right now. Even experiencing good times with her, he was able to walk away. That shouldn't necessarily cause OP to value those good times as more magical and special than they are but to see things that IN SPITE of things being "this good" he still is holding on to what he alone wants, which is not to be with her. Sorry, OP. Good luck. Also if you are relationship-minded, try another site and also don't monitor what he is doing on there--it will make you crazy.
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