How to get her to commit?

[Andzh]

Hello, everybody!

 

I have been seeing this girl for more than a year. We have this on again off again relationship. She has feelings for me and I have feelings for her, we kiss, have sex sometimes and are acting like a couple. First we did this thing for 7 months and she consistently reminded me that she just wanted to be friends even tough we did all the things I mentioned and were basically living together. Then she left me to be in a relationship with an older guy (38). I am 26, she is 27. He left her 3 months later and she returned.  She says that she could go for a relationship with me, but she can’t get over how I used to act “childish” and that she doesn’t see the “manly” side of me which she needs. She says that it is the only problem - I am not mature enough. What should I do. I tried to tell her that “it’s a relationship or I am leaving” and she kinda manipulated me to stay in this weird friendship. So I see that an ultimatum won’t work. Any other suggestions? I am alson not chasing her this time. I did that and ofc it didn’t work. The more I am cold and distant the mor she seems to want me. 

[ExpatInItaly]

She is using you as back-up plan between guys she wants to date, man. 

You don't "get" someone to commit. They either want you, or they don't. The fact that she wants you more only when you're cold and distant tells you that this will never become a relationship. She's actually told you that it won't, too.

Don't waste your time on her. 

[Andzh]

25 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She is using you as back-up plan between guys she wants to date, man. 

You don't "get" someone to commit. They either want you, or they don't. The fact that she wants you more only when you're cold and distant tells you that this will never become a relationship. She's actually told you that it won't, too.

Don't waste your time on her. 

She says that she wants to live without any relationship for awhile and spend that time to work on herself and to get to know me as a person tough. But you are more likely to be correct on this one. 

[Wiseman2]

It may be best to cut your losses. This way you are free of this nebulous on/off situationship and can pursue women who want what you want.

The best thing would be to tell her being a backup plan isn't working for you, then delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

[Emilie Jolie]

7 minutes ago, Andzh said:

She says that she wants to live without any relationship for awhile and spend that time to work on herself and to get to know me as a person tough.

Why can't this be true?

I think clear, genuine communication between the two of you only is what is missing. Don't rely on assumptions or other people's advice. Sometimes people catch feelings at the worst possible time in their lives and it can be a dilemma, because you want to present the person you like your best self (which anyone should do).

There doesn't need to be any manipulation or 3rd party involved.

[Andzh]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It may be best to cut your losses. This way you are free of this nebulous on/off situationship and can pursue women who want what you want.

The best thing would be to tell her being a backup plan isn't working for you, then delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

I am afraid that I am going to lose her forever if I do that

[Andzh]

10 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Why can't this be true?

I think clear, genuine communication between the two of you only is what is missing. Don't rely on assumptions or other people's advice. Sometimes people catch feelings at the worst possible time in their lives and it can be a dilemma, because you want to present the person you like your best self (which anyone should do).

There doesn't need to be any manipulation or 3rd party involved.

But still I don’t understand why is it so difficult to start a relationship if she says that she has feelings for me. Is the past between us really holding her back so strongly?

[Emilie Jolie]

Just now, Andzh said:

But still I don’t understand why is it so difficult to start a relationship if she says that she has feelings for me. Is the past between us really holding her back so strongly?

I don'y understand why she'd say she has feelings for you when she doesn't. Not everyone is a heartless monster cake-eater or whatever. Only she knows that. Ask her.

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, Andzh said:

She says that she wants to live without any relationship for awhile and spend that time to work on herself and to get to know me as a person tough. But you are more likely to be correct on this one. 

She's trying to let you down gently. 

Never try to campaign for someone's time and attention. If they're not giving it to you on their own, it's because they don't want to. It doesn't even really matter what the reasons are; it's your cue that it isn't going anywhere and not wise to get emotionally invested. 

[Andzh]

5 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I don'y understand why she'd say she has feelings for you when she doesn't. Not everyone is a heartless monster cake-eater or whatever. Only she knows that. Ask her.

Well, that is what she said. That she has feelings, she likes me in all the ways, except that I am a year younger than her and she feels that I am not mature enough. 

[Andzh]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She's trying to let you down gently. 

Never try to campaign for someone's time and attention. If they're not giving it to you on their own, it's because they don't want to. It doesn't even really matter what the reasons are; it's your cue that it isn't going anywhere and not wise to get emotionally invested. 

The hardest part is that I am already emotionally invested and I can’t stay or go. It hurts both ways. 

[Emilie Jolie]

1 minute ago, Andzh said:

except that I am a year younger than her and she feels that I am not mature enough

Ok that's not kosher. Are you at the same stage in your lives (not talking about age)?

[Andzh]

2 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Ok that's not kosher. Are you at the same stage in your lives (not talking about age)?

More or less at the same stage, yeah. Both have educatiin, both are working, paying our bills etc. Just that the men she used to date are at least 5 years older than her, already 100% on their feet financially and emotionally. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, Andzh said:

The hardest part is that I am already emotionally invested and I can’t stay or go. It hurts both ways. 

Absolutely understandable. 

It will take time for you to detach. 

[Emilie Jolie]

Just now, Andzh said:

More or less at the same stage, yeah. Both have educatiin, both are working, paying our bills etc. Just that the men she used to date are at least 5 years older than her, already 100% on their feet financially and emotionally. 

But she's not with them now, is she.

I don't know what to tell you. If you think she's not that committed, then let her go. What else can you do? 

[Andzh]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Absolutely understandable. 

It will take time for you to detach. 

Any suggestions how to detach without telling her I am leaving etc?

[Andzh]

1 minute ago, Emilie Jolie said:

But she's not with them now, is she.

I don't know what to tell you. If you think she's not that committed, then let her go. What else can you do? 

I love her. It’s difficult to let her go if she says and shows me that she has feelings. I still have that hope while she does this. She is not commited in a way that she doesn’t want to start a relationship an we have been here before. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Andzh said:

Any suggestions how to detach without telling her I am leaving etc?

Stop reaching out to her. 

Don't be quick to respond to her, either. You can gradually fade, if you need. If she asks you what's up, be honest and tell her you can't be friends when you both want something different from each other. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Andzh said:

I love her. It’s difficult to let her go if she says and shows me that she has feelings.

How is she showing you she has feelings if she doesn't want to date you? 

[Emilie Jolie]

2 minutes ago, Andzh said:

She is not commited in a way that she doesn’t want to start a relationship an we have been here before. 

Ok look, some people take forever to make things happen.

I don't know her so can't presume what she's thinking but I can relate to that situation a bit. I'll illustrate to see if it resonates.

I have this stupid way my mind works whereby I can't fully commit unless I'm 100% of the guy, because once I'm in, I'm fully invested. This involves taking forever getting to know the guy. Very few men in general are interested in this set-up, not helped by the whole world thinking I'm a commitment-phobe. I'm the complete opposite, which is why it takes me so long to commit (also, I don't want to repeat past mistakes).

Could she be like this also?

[Andzh]

17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Stop reaching out to her. 

Don't be quick to respond to her, either. You can gradually fade, if you need. If she asks you what's up, be honest and tell her you can't be friends when you both want something different from each other. 

I already told her that and she started to say things like: you are leaving me, I feel so alone etc. And it made me stay

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Andzh said:

I already told her that and she started to say things like: you are leaving me, I feel so alone etc. And it made me stay

This is incredibly selfish of her. 

You realize that, no? She expects you to be her Plan B to keep her company between other guys. That is really crappy of her. 

[Andzh]

8 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Ok look, some people take forever to make things happen.

I don't know her so can't presume what she's thinking but I can relate to that situation a bit. I'll illustrate to see if it resonates.

I have this stupid way my mind works whereby I can't fully commit unless I'm 100% of the guy, because once I'm in, I'm fully invested. This involves taking forever getting to know the guy. Very few men in general are interested in this set-up, not helped by the whole world thinking I'm a commitment-phobe. I'm the complete opposite, which is why it takes me so long to commit (also, I don't want to repeat past mistakes).

Could she be like this also?

Well, actually she could be the same. She commited with the older man, because there was financial stability. About me, she says that she is only 50:50 sure of me. She has the feelings etc, but she still has some small things she has to get over. She also said that she wants to go into a relationship just when she is 100% commited to it. I am just worried that if I stay here “as a friend” she will start to see me like one and lose the attraction. 

[Andzh]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

This is incredibly selfish of her. 

You realize that, no? She expects you to be her Plan B to keep her company between other guys. That is really crappy of her. 

I see that. I even said to her: don’t you see that you are manipulating with me? And she doesnt see that. She says that she wants to do this step by step. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Andzh said:

I see that. I even said to her: don’t you see that you are manipulating with me? And she doesnt see that. She says that she wants to do this step by step. 

Of course she says she doesn't see it. It doesn't suit her purposes to admit it 

You don't have to go along with whatever she says, Andzh. If it doesn't feel right for you, you don't need her endorsement to bow out.