BetterRedThanDead Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 Hi everyone, I’m totally new to using these kind of forums but I’m at a loss in my current situation and I thought I’d give it a try. Hearing other people’s opinion is always useful but not the easiest thing to do when it comes to such delicate and intimate topics. Long story short: my gf (30F) and I (30M) met just around the beginning of UK lockdown (April 2020). We immediately liked each other a lot and things moved pretty quickly. We were seeing each other a lot when it was possible and ultimately decided to live together as of November’20. I genuinely don’t think we have many substantial issues at all, we both like similar things and have common interests, and generally really easily get along with each other even in constant company of each other. HOWEVER, there is one problem and that is the sec life of the last 2/3 months. The problem is almost entirely myself. I simply don’t have nowhere near as much sex drive as I did in the first months. I KNOW that this is normal and happens all the time to lose a bit of passion after a while but my worries are: -it’s only been 10 months of being together, not 10 years!!! - it hasn’t just decreased, it almost vanished..we used to have sex every time we saw each other so almost every day. For the last 2 months I think we had sex maybe 4 time! she tries to initiate it (quite awkwardly at times) and most of the times I don’t react positively to it. I don’t know why this is! I am still physically attracted to her and I still love her as I did before, but something is holding me back from getting intimate. its worth noting that the few times we did it recently, I actually enjoyed it and so did she. My problem is myself not being proactive about it and finding it hard to initiate it (or just not thinking about it at all!!). Yesterday we talked about it as she voiced her concern. Obviously her immediate thinking is that I’m not attracted to her anymore but I genuinely don’t think it’s true. this has happened in several of my previous relationships too. I just lose interest toward the physical side after a while and I can’t help but think that lockdown just accelerated this process. does anyone have any opinion, thoughts or advice on how to be more natural about sex after the initial honey moon phase? Any input will be appreciated of course. thank you and happy new year ! Link to post Share on other sites
5x5 Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 Given that your girlfriend has a higher sex drive than you, please do her the favour of dumping her so that she can feel free to find a sexual partner or partners who better match her sexuality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 You're seeing why moving way too quickly in a relationship often kills it. The honeymoon died too fast and now you're realizing that maybe the sexual chemistry just isn't there for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 37 minutes ago, BetterRedThanDead said: this has happened in several of my previous relationships too. I just lose interest toward the physical side after a while and I can’t help but think that lockdown just accelerated this process. Hmm, interesting. It's always natural for the lust to subside somewhat after a few months, but it usually doesn't vanish completely unless there are other incompatibilities with the relationship. If you're really stressed about the lockdown, then your sex drive will definitely take a hit since ongoing stress/anxiety is a fight or flight response to danger, and of course reproductive activities are not the highest priority in a "danger" situation so the drive will be among the first functions to go. Mine certainly took a massive hit through the second lockdown here. Although if this has happened in previous relationships then I don't think stress is the sole cause, unless the end of the honeymoon period generally makes you stressed. It could also be that your sex drive is naturally low (keep in mind that the honeymoon period does make it much higher). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maldives Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 (edited) Try horny goat weed or some of the herbal tablets Fora staining an erection at your adult store. Warning though some can have side effects like a headache. There like a natural Viagra a herbal form and causes more blood to go down to the penis. When I've had em I moderate the tablet they usually come as a pack of one or two and I half the tablet or even a quarter usually does the trick re no headache for me. I found afterwards you are much more easily turned on. Just a suggestion. I get where your coming from I'm the same to some extent but with my last ex had no issues for six yrs we had a pretty active sex life. I was always jumping on her haha but she really did turn me on and vice versa. Maybe there is something that's not quiet turning you on with your partner and your not wanting to acknowledge it. Take for instance with me if the woman's feet don't turn me on or look a certain way and shape I can't get turned on for real maybe it's something similar with you? Edited January 5, 2021 by Goodguy05 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 (edited) Since you used to have sex like jack rabbits, I doubt it's your sex drive. Its more emotionally driven imo. Can you pinpoint when your sexual desire began decreasing? What was happening in your relationship at that time? Often times, as a relationship grows closer emotionally, the desire for sex decreases. It's a fear of some sort. Perhaps a fear of intimacy as having sex when in love (making true love with our partners) can make us feel quite vulnerable and the more intimately closer we feel with our partners, the more vulnerable we feel. So we avoid sex, not consciously, many people are unaware of such fears. In your case, it seems you have a block, you might want to read up about it or talk with a professional since you said it's happened before in previous relationships. Research madonna/whore syndrome. Might be a variation of that. $.02. EDIT: You could try Viagra or other sex enhancing drugs, but that's just putting a band aid on the problem. If you don't discover the root cause, it will continue to be an issue in all your romantic relationships as you grow closer emotionally. Edited January 5, 2021 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 Just tossing this out there... But have you started any new new medications or supplements during this time frame? Stuff like Metformin will suck every drop of testosterone out of you (exaggeration but not by much). Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 1 minute ago, Mrin said: Just tossing this out there... But have you started any new new medications or supplements during this time frame? Stuff like Metformin will suck every drop of testosterone out of you (exaggeration but not by much). That's interesting, did not know that about Metformin. But diabetes itself can do the same ( and other illness, and stress ) Hope you feel better soon @BetterRedThanDead Link to post Share on other sites
JRabbit Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 A visit to the DR or a therapist might be in order. This can definitely cause issues in the future for you with women, unless you choose a woman who has a drive more in line with yours. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 Your loss of libido so early is atypical - a year or two is more usual, but even then maybe not to this degree. Perhaps this is your normal pattern, in which case you need someone who long term matches you sexually - but not in the short term. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 Not everyone is the same. Some people want it every day and some people are fine with 4 times in a few months. Maybe you are one of those people. I’m not sure what you mean when you say you don’t know why you just can’t go through with it? If you think you need to, maybe see a therapist to work out what is going on? But if it is not some thing that is bothering you, now that the novelty and excitement has worn off, you could just be one of those people that has a lower libido. This may mean you are sexually incompatible with your girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 Attraction can just burn out as quickly as it started and that is perfectly normal. I remember this with myself but only lasting a couple of weeks and meh I'm done. Some people can only feel passion for 3 months and they are already moving on...the dopamine taps turn off pretty quickly. It's something you might be born with. My friend dated a guy like that where he even warned her that he will probably lose interest after a few months....she was so enamored with him she was not thinking about what he said. The thrill of the dance died down and he booted her to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 (edited) 12 hours ago, BetterRedThanDead said: -it’s only been 10 months of being together, not 10 years!!! - it hasn’t just decreased, it almost vanished..we used to have sex every time we saw each other so almost every day. For the last 2 months I think we had sex maybe 4 time! this has happened in several of my previous relationships too. I just lose interest toward the physical side after a while and I can’t help but think that lockdown just accelerated this process. You met in April 2020, that's 8 months not 10 months. Loss of attraction or sex drive should not be happening after 8 months. This is not normal. The fact it's happened in previous relationships further confirms what I posted previously, a fear of intimacy or some other fear. A block. The more emotionally closer you get, the less sexual desire you feel. It's not uncommon. Again, it's a variation of the madonna/whore syndrome which is very real issue for some men. No the lockdown did not accelerate this, and I wish folks would stop using Covid and the lockdown as an excuse to justify problems and avoid taking steps to resolve. Anyway, if you're still reading, there are some excellent books and articles that might provide more understanding or you could seek professional help. All the best. Edited January 5, 2021 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 Most likely this is a relationship problem or more specifically how you are in relationship. If you aren't relaxed, if you don't know how to set boundaries, if you feel high pressure, if you can't really sit and chill and spend very little energy with this woman, then yes sexual desire can vanish. You also might be working too hard in the relationship, maybe trying to please this person. Sexual desire requires some distance--so that you can come towards each other. If you create a claustrophobic dynamic or pick partners who are all up on you all the time, you can kill desire. You also might be picking people you aren't that attracted to. Look, guys can get physically turned on by people they aren't really attracted to as long as the the guy finds the woman reasonable pretty. Definitely this would benefit from therapy. I don't think this is one of those issues you sort out on your own. Whatever is killing desire is too much a part of you--you can't see it. The good news is, this is not some deep problem. And the fun of therapy is you get to practice being with your partner each week and report back to your therapist. You guys discuss, make an adjustment, you go back with your partner and experiment. I dated someone who was so so needy and all over me, totally killed desire. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 I don't think it's normal for a 30 year old male to have virtually no sex drive, especially not in a fairly new relationship (10 months, which should still be in the honeymoon stage). Just to rule anything out, you should get checked out by a doctor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) 18 hours ago, BetterRedThanDead said: she tries to initiate it (quite awkwardly at times) and most of the times I don’t react positively to it. I don’t know why this is! I am still physically attracted to her and I still love her as I did before, but something is holding me back from getting intimate. its worth noting that the few times we did it recently, I actually enjoyed it Respectfully, this makes no sense to me as you are a healthy, young man in a new relationship. I wonder if you are perpetually chasing the high of a new relationship... and you are somehow convinced that something is wrong with your relationship because you aren’t going at it like rabbits as you did in the first few months. The simple truth is, relationships ebb and flow, your interest in sex will come and go, and that’s ok. As the Beatles so wisely said, the love you take is equal to the love you make... meaning, relationships take effort. If this is a real pattern for you and your goal is a happy long term relationship, I would maybe suggest counselling... It sounds like you need to get out of your head and develop more realistic expectations. Best wishes. Edited January 6, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 Perhaps very low sex drive is your baseline and the early relationship excitement gives it a temporary boost? Another vote to see your doctor. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 OP, this very well could be a medical problem since it happens with all of your relationships. You have a sex drive, but there’s something happening. My vote is to make an appointment with a urologist. It may be a testosterone dysfunction (that’s a real thing) called “hypogonadism” which is a testosterone deficiency. Also, you may have an emotional block of some sort that follows a pattern in all of your relationships with women. Are you sure you’re straight? Maybe you are gay and are forcing yourself into a straight relationship to deny your true identity? Or some other kind of emotional block. Either way, go see a urologist and rule out any medical problems first. Then, once you ruled those out, go see a counselor to rule out what emotional blocks may be holding you back since this is a pattern you’ve seen over a period of time with all of your relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) Hey. Sure. Get seen by a doctor and make sure there’s no problem. But there’s the physical and there’s mind stuff. Plz don’t let the normies ,including your girlfriend, make you feel wrong for having a low sex drive or even a nonexistent sex drive(that probably just becomes more apparent when the excitement wanes. )The world is full of all kinds of different people, with different sexuality. You don’t have to to be humping constantly or at all to have a happy life. Maybe consider that you may not be as attracted to her as you think, as well.. Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 22 hours ago, BetterRedThanDead said: Hi everyone, I’m totally new to using these kind of forums but I’m at a loss in my current situation and I thought I’d give it a try. Hearing other people’s opinion is always useful but not the easiest thing to do when it comes to such delicate and intimate topics. Long story short: my gf (30F) and I (30M) met just around the beginning of UK lockdown (April 2020). We immediately liked each other a lot and things moved pretty quickly. We were seeing each other a lot when it was possible and ultimately decided to live together as of November’20. I genuinely don’t think we have many substantial issues at all, we both like similar things and have common interests, and generally really easily get along with each other even in constant company of each other. HOWEVER, there is one problem and that is the sec life of the last 2/3 months. The problem is almost entirely myself. I simply don’t have nowhere near as much sex drive as I did in the first months. I KNOW that this is normal and happens all the time to lose a bit of passion after a while but my worries are: -it’s only been 10 months of being together, not 10 years!!! - it hasn’t just decreased, it almost vanished..we used to have sex every time we saw each other so almost every day. For the last 2 months I think we had sex maybe 4 time! she tries to initiate it (quite awkwardly at times) and most of the times I don’t react positively to it. I don’t know why this is! I am still physically attracted to her and I still love her as I did before, but something is holding me back from getting intimate. its worth noting that the few times we did it recently, I actually enjoyed it and so did she. My problem is myself not being proactive about it and finding it hard to initiate it (or just not thinking about it at all!!). Yesterday we talked about it as she voiced her concern. Obviously her immediate thinking is that I’m not attracted to her anymore but I genuinely don’t think it’s true. this has happened in several of my previous relationships too. I just lose interest toward the physical side after a while and I can’t help but think that lockdown just accelerated this process. does anyone have any opinion, thoughts or advice on how to be more natural about sex after the initial honey moon phase? Any input will be appreciated of course. thank you and happy new year ! Agree. Too much too soon and oversaturation in the form of 24/7 living together is a romance killer. You go from intrigue, excitement, anticipation,etc to the drugery of playing house. How sexy is cleaning toilets and doing laundry right away? You skipped over the best part of things unfolding and went straight to drugery. End it. Stringing anyone along you've lost attraction for isn't doing either of you any favors. You claim it's a pattern for you? Slow down on the oversaturation and too much too soon. Even your favorite song or food or whatever gets sickening if you have too much of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 22 hours ago, BetterRedThanDead said: My problem is myself not being proactive about it and finding it hard to initiate it (or just not thinking about it at all!!). It might be worth reading around what your sexual 'identity' is? It doesn't need to be a medical issue or linked to the pandemic - it might just simply be where you sit on the sexual identity spectrum. If you're fine with your partner initiating and you both enjoy it whenever things happen, I wouldn't view this as a major issue if she's fine with it. I also think you can be a different type of 'sexual' person depending on how close you are with your partner in all other areas, so maybe you need to know your partner a bit better to form that deeper bond? It's not been a year, and it's been a pretty weird year at that. I'd give it time. Link to post Share on other sites
lovebooks Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 Try a supplement called Maca but having sex so early and frequently is not going to be sustainable. Link to post Share on other sites
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