WanderingComet Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 So update on my dating woes. (please let me know if there is another subforum I should have posted this in, and sorry it is a bit ranty) Last year, I tried very hard to put myself out there. Covid and social distancing meant I could only rely on OLD. I asked my friends if they could set me up but 1)most of my friends are back in USA while I am in a different country right now for my job (came here in late 2019) and 2) most of my friends here are either super new so no time for them to know me enough to set me up with folks or the ones that I became really good friends with didn't have single friends to introduce me to It's now been over a year since I actively started OLD. Covid definitely made it hard. BUT I talked to a lot of people, met quite a few (when things were good here), but wasn't able to start a relationship with any. I've also heard from my other local friends here that a lot of guys here don't take OLD seriously and want to use it more for hookups than relationships. (I do not want that). A few guys mentioned that (just hookup) after a couple dates so I had to end things. There was one guy who actually seemed interested in me but I just could not see myself with him. A couple ghosted after a couple dates. A couple talked and talked and talked and never did meet. I had to filter out a loooot of guys who after 2 days of talking went to suggest the hookup route (even though after a while I specified on my profile that I was not looking for that) Finally I got fed up of it all and deleted not just all the apps but also deleted my profiles from all the apps. It felt great for the last month. But now I am wondering if I made a mistake. My contract here is up in less than half a year, so I keep feeling guilty about wanting to date. But at the same time I also feel super lonely (not exactly easy to go about meeting up with friends these days is it!). So if I wait until I move and settle into the next place I go to start looking again, that means I won't be able to date for yet another half a year to a year realistically (since I am not in a Hallmark movie, I doubt my neighbor where I move next or the owner of the new used bookstore I will find in the new place will magically be the love of my life, so it'll probably take time to find something/someone real) (context: I turned a couple days ago and still haven't had a serious relationship and am scared the longer it takes for me to find someone real, the lesser and lesser prospects i am going to have who would want to date someone almost 30 and never had a relationship) How do I stop myself from being sad about it when all I see when I open my social media are school and college friends getting married and starting families. I would have gotten a pet, but since I am very likely moving internationally in less than a year I do not have the means to travel with a pet (nor does my apartment complex allow pets). Should I download an app again? Or should I just wait until I go wherever I will go next to start looking again? How do I combat loneliness in the meantime? (I do talk to family and friends regularly, however all of them are in different countries so even though video chat helps, it does not fully substitute a warm hug)
Wiseman2 Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 On 1/5/2021 at 6:10 AM, WanderingComet said: .My contract here is up in less than half a year, so I keep feeling guilty about wanting to date. Expand Will you be moving back to your home country? In a way it's a waste of time to casually date for 6 mos but state that you don't want casual dating. What you could do is get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to people in your future location. Or start talking to people in general in your new location and reconnect to people on social media. Don't use free geodating swipe apps. Leading locals on just because you are lonely for now isn't going to be satisfactory if you actually wish to have a long term relationship. Dating out of boredom rarely has good results, unless hooking up is what you want. 2
Author WanderingComet Posted January 5, 2021 Author Posted January 5, 2021 To be honest I am not sure where I will be moving next. But I shall find out in the next month or so. I am on The League (But since it is super new here, there's hardly anyone on it, on hiatus on it now) and was on a quality (paid) dating app specifically for Korea (on hiatus on that app since I deleted all others). Are there other quality apps you all could suggest? On 1/5/2021 at 6:25 AM, Wiseman2 said: Leading locals on just because you are lonely for now isn't going to be satisfactory if you actually wish to have a long term relationship. Expand This is exactly why I am apprehensive about downloading the 'usual' apps before I know my future plans since I do not want to just hookup. I don't like leading people on. 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 Ok, wait until you know where your next location is, then start from there. 1
JRabbit Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 Do you have any hobbies? Are you fit an healthy? I found working out, yoga, and my personal hobbies help when Im lonely.
Versacehottie Posted January 14, 2021 Posted January 14, 2021 I think you should download one or two apps again. And then stick to your guns about what you want from them--sounds like either some companionship or entertainment so you are not lonely OR a relationship. Not a casual hookup relationship. Why not get the dating experience you want and companionship from those initial talking to each other stages, beginning dates and if that's as far as it's meant to go, that's fine. You are still gaining the experience and filling your time in an enjoyable way. Draw the line at what you are not comfortable with. It's really no different than a guy using an app, with the intention of only wanting to hook up. Then if the right guy comes along just roll with it. Life takes so many turns you can never discover where it's going other than to experience it. You might end up in a LDR, you might extend your contract; he might decide to follow you wherever you go. Basically I think it's silly to put your life on hold. Regarding the pandemic, not sure how it is in Korea now but if people are going out and socializing, do that & ask for setups from your new friends (that's the best time IMO, because you are new blood!). If it's on lockdown there, even more important to use the apps as that is the only way virtually that people would be meeting for dating. So yeah, don't put your life on hold--it will unfold as it's meant to. Good luck
Ruby Slippers Posted January 14, 2021 Posted January 14, 2021 If I were in your situation, I'd try the apps again, just apply a stronger filter before meeting anyone. There are a lot of low-quality men on dating sites who are just looking for something fast and easy - but when you go into it aware of that, it's pretty easy to filter them out. If you're prepared to do this heavy filtering and don't get emotional about that part of the process, it's not so bad. There are decent guys on dating apps who want something of depth. That's the only kind of man I've gotten involved with from dating sites. It's probably about 1 out of 500 men on dating sites who are worth meeting. 1
littleblackheart Posted January 15, 2021 Posted January 15, 2021 I don't think online dating to fill a void until your next assignment is a good idea That said, if your job means you need to travel often internationally, a solution might be to start looking for a more stable job, or look for someone who does a similar job to yours and understands this. Can you cut your contract short if you're really struggling, or take some time off to go back home whenever possible? That's what my sister did (she is where you are for the same reasons). She asked for a contract not to be renewed and has kept all her leave so she can go back home sooner. 2
chillii Posted January 15, 2021 Posted January 15, 2021 Well , way back when , on the date site l tried there were people in all sorts of situations but the good ones were just up front about it on their profile and what they were looking for. With the loneliness you could just join a good quality site people wise , talk about your sitch and the moving and so you'd just like some company mean time or a few dinners, no hooking up or whatever it is you would like to find just until you move. There was a lot of that sort of thing on my old site back then, maybe you could give that a try.
smackie9 Posted January 15, 2021 Posted January 15, 2021 Who said you couldn't date because you are leaving? Just go out on dates but don't commit to a relationship. Just use it to go out and socially interact with people. 1
Author WanderingComet Posted January 27, 2021 Author Posted January 27, 2021 On 1/15/2021 at 1:36 PM, littleblackheart said: That said, if your job means you need to travel often internationally, a solution might be to start looking for a more stable job, or look for someone who does a similar job to yours and understands this. Can you cut your contract short if you're really struggling, or take some time off to go back home whenever possible? That's what my sister did (she is where you are for the same reasons). She asked for a contract not to be renewed and has kept all her leave so she can go back home sooner. Expand I am in academia, so traveling internationally is only for conferences (which for now are all online) so I'd just move every time I finish a research contract (current situation) Which comes to your second point. It is a non-extendable contract that ends in 4 months so sadly can't hold on to that. On the other hand I generally avoid dating anyone else in my immediate field. We call it the 'two-body' problem. Academic jobs are so few and far between that historically it is super hard for a couple where both the partners are academics in the traditional sense (postdocs, professors) find it hard to get a job in the same place if they get together before getting tenure. So more often than not, one partner has to compromise a looooot. That said, if I do meet someone amazing in my field, am I going to say no? No! I'm open to that, but in my field most people are really cautious about this subject since we've seen it tear people apart brutally. On 1/14/2021 at 4:36 PM, Versacehottie said: Regarding the pandemic, not sure how it is in Korea now but if people are going out and socializing, do that & ask for setups from your new friends (that's the best time IMO, because you are new blood!). Expand I have literally asked all my friends here if they can set me up and none of them know any single guys (the one time one friend had a co-worker she thought might work, he turned out to be a heavy smoker and that is one of my few firm deal-breakers, another time a friend introduced me to a friend of her friend, we exchanged insta handles, and then the next day, without warning, that guy unfollowed not only me but also my friend and blocked us both! And we hadn't even talked/messaged or anything yet! sighhhhh) I feel like I am really unlucky in the 'being set up' department. It usually turns out that among my friend circles, I am usually the one who knows more people. Most of my friends here are also married or have partners, so a majority of their friends are also other couples. TT *cries in loneliness*
Wiseman2 Posted January 27, 2021 Posted January 27, 2021 Follow your profession and wherever it leads you. If dating competitors is out, don't do it. Simply get on elite dating apps and date people on your level but in different or more established positions than yours. 1
Fletch Lives Posted January 27, 2021 Posted January 27, 2021 Maybe I should not say this, but dating for a short term 6 to 12 month relationship does not seem worth the aggravation. And then if you are in love and have to leave them, then you just set yourself up for heartache. Why not enjoy single life temporarily?
Miss Spider Posted January 27, 2021 Posted January 27, 2021 Rage quitting apps is usually always a mistake. Just let it sit idle in your phone and pick back up when you’re bored. That’s how dating app should be used anyway. You’re bored, you go on and check your messages. Most people are just taking it way too seriously. My life has to all be in order and everything has to be perfect before I can be on a dating app.what And I apply this to all apps. I deleted my cooking fever app the other day and all of the data. I really do regret it. Sure, I had a bit of an addiction, but I should have held on and practiced self-control. Lost all my diamonds. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 27, 2021 Posted January 27, 2021 I don't think quitting the apps was so bad. I think people rely on them too much & they cause people to lose the ability to interact in real life. Find something safe & legal to do to keep you engaged & stave off loneliness. Find some of those other new people you know & go for a hike or play a board game. Just increase your social circle in general. 1
Versacehottie Posted January 27, 2021 Posted January 27, 2021 On 1/27/2021 at 11:19 AM, Wiseman2 said: Follow your profession and wherever it leads you. If dating competitors is out, don't do it. Simply get on elite dating apps and date people on your level but in different or more established positions than yours. Expand Definitely do the elite dating apps ^^^^^. A friend of mine went to Harvard and was on one & showed me the sorts of profiles she was getting.(it's called the League)... that was about 2 years ago so I'm not sure if it still exists. But maybe it will where you are headed next. The thing that struck me when I was looking at the profiles she was getting is that I got the impression that a lot of the guys would be ok with long distance at least for a bit of time. I think what a lot of them were seeking was intelligence and accomplishment in your field, upward mobility, which is fine/great. Imagining you might want the same. The guys I saw were like good looking nerds; or guys coming out of their shell, having been somewhat nerdy and focused to get to a level of accomplishment in life. I think there might be another site that is similar too (forgot the name though). Ok, so set ups haven't worked for you in Korea. Here is the thing though, I also mean keep going out socializing with you platonic friends. Lol, you're a scientist, I'm sure there is a theory that backs up what I'm saying in the scientific world. I'm thinking of it like this: you want to disrupt the regular routine, so that your atoms have a chance to bump into other people's atoms. The best chance of doing that is to be out and about. If you approach things ONLY linearly, you are leaving a ton of possible encounters on the table. It won't always happen in the way you expect (nor do you always want it to). Another friend met a guy she went onto date like 24 hours before she was moving from NYC to Europe. They went on a whirlwind date less than 12 hours before she was leaving. They dated for a while. I think, in your case, it would help to not wait until things line up perfectly but just to enjoy the process without expectation. It will be experience at the very least which will play a part in getting you to where you want to be romantically in the end IMO. Definitely do the dating apps in Korea before you go away. If only for some more, funny stories. If it doesn't hurt you, it can only help in the LONG RUN. You never know where life will take you. A big network of people and experiences helps you to get to the best possible place 2
Author WanderingComet Posted January 27, 2021 Author Posted January 27, 2021 On 1/27/2021 at 3:34 PM, Versacehottie said: Definitely do the elite dating apps ^^^^^. A friend of mine went to Harvard and was on one & showed me the sorts of profiles she was getting.(it's called the League)... that was about 2 years ago so I'm not sure if it still exists. But maybe it will where you are headed next. Expand I'm actually on The League! And while the selection there is definitely orders of magnitude better than other dating apps, the main issue is volume. The League is extremely new in Korea so I am one of probably 10s of people on it. I actually also tried a Korean elite dating app for a while (entirely in Korean! That was a good exercise!) and even got what seemed like good matches, but it didn't work out. Sigh... I might give OLD another try while I am here but at this point where I only have 4 more months left here, I don't want to string someone along. I am socializing where possible but as you can guess, with Covid restrictions we can't socialize as much. And yes, I'm always increasing my network (on and offline!) Maybe it's my age but I keep meeting people with partners or most of their friends also having partners. I hope I get a bigger selection on The League where I go next. haha it's currently showing me random people from other countries in my daily batch since I've run out of people in Korea! 1
winny Posted January 27, 2021 Posted January 27, 2021 Your problem seems more of loneliness than wanting a relationship. I know lot of people who are in long distance relationships because they have to travel all the time or visit different countries for work assignments. I also know someone who met a person on tinder just few days before leaving the country and now they are engaged. I would suggest you keep meeting people if you and them are open to long distance then great.. and at some point you can get to the same location. When you find the right person who is meant for you.. the rest is just logistics and can be worked out. The hardest part is to find the right person though. 2
Miss Spider Posted January 27, 2021 Posted January 27, 2021 (edited) Am I the only one who wouldn’t want to date any self - described “elite” singles. Nothing against dating people with Ivy League educations and prestigious careers,,, but joining a dating site describe as elite seems a little too smug and self satisfied to me lol Edited January 27, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
d0nnivain Posted January 27, 2021 Posted January 27, 2021 (edited) @Shortskirtslonglashes If I went to an Ivy I think I might want to date / marry another Ivy grad. To go looking for an Ivy Alum when I'm not one seems gold-digging / status climbing. If I met somebody & liked them, where they went to school is of no moment. But education & intelligence are important to me; I need somebody I can have a conversation with Since @WanderingCometis an Ivy grad, more power to her. She can seek a fellow Ivy grad, no problem. Edited January 27, 2021 by d0nnivain 1 1
Miss Spider Posted January 27, 2021 Posted January 27, 2021 (edited) On 1/27/2021 at 5:13 PM, d0nnivain said: @Shortskirtslonglashes If I went to an Ivy I think I might want to date / marry another Ivy grad. To go looking for an Ivy Alum when I'm not one seems gold-digging / status climbing. If I met somebody & liked them, where they went to school is of no moment. But education & intelligence are important to me; I need somebody I can have a conversation with Expand I totally get that. They’re just not exclusive to those apps. I dated a guy who went to an Ivy League that I met on okcupid, and while I didn’t, mine was top ranking. I’ve been on tinder. I think it’s cringe to sign up for an app called league. I felt the same way about that app for self-described smart people only...“Sapio” or whatever it was called. It’s not even like the admittance process does anything to ensure people there are legit. I just couldn’t take anyone seriously who would sign up for that. But that is just me. Different strokes and all. Edited January 27, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
d0nnivain Posted January 27, 2021 Posted January 27, 2021 (edited) The app isn't much different than the "clubs" in many cities. If you didn't go to an Ivy, you can't just go to that school's club without an invitation. That level of elitism has been around for centuries. The app is simply a modern version of "keeping out the riff raff" {don't get upset; I'm counting myself as riff raff } Edited January 27, 2021 by d0nnivain 2 1
winny Posted January 27, 2021 Posted January 27, 2021 On 1/27/2021 at 5:19 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I totally get that. But it’s not that they’re exclusive to those apps. I have dated a guy who went to an Ivy League that I met on okcupid, and while I didn’t grad from one, mine was top ranking. I’ve been on tinder. I think it’s cringeto sign up for an app called for self-described ‘elites’. I felt the same way about that app for self-described smart people only... Sapio or whatever it was called But that is just me. Different strokes Expand These companies just want to make money LOL They create apps for Ivy league, call them elite... so as to sound like somehow they have more value... the struggle is the same... no matter which app. 3
Miss Spider Posted January 27, 2021 Posted January 27, 2021 (edited) On 1/27/2021 at 5:22 PM, d0nnivain said: The app isn't much different than the "clubs" in many cities. If you didn't go to an Ivy, you can't just go to that school's club without an invitation. That level of elitism has been around for centuries. The app is simply a modern version of "keeping out the riff raff" {don't get upset; I'm counting myself as riff raff } Expand I think it is quite a bit different. I could be wrong, but from what I can tell anyone can sign up for it if they are smug enough to believe themselves to be elite or in a higher “league” can sign up . I don’t think it is invite only and I think you just have to pay for it. The league site I think has a waiting list but you can bypass it for $300. That isn’t what I would call a very refined admittance process Edited January 27, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
Miss Spider Posted January 27, 2021 Posted January 27, 2021 (edited) On 1/27/2021 at 5:27 PM, winny said: These companies just want to make money LOL They create apps for Ivy league, call them elite... so as to sound like somehow they have more value... the struggle is the same... no matter which app. Expand Agree. Hey Winny If you are going to struggle on one you are probably going to struggle on another. But maybe it does have its place. People who think the same will find each other by joining certain apps. I will stay far away from dating anyone who seriously calls themselves in ‘elite’ in any way, shape, or form. I was once invited to the exclusive tinder and I passed. I’ll just stay with the peasants... Edited January 27, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
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