elaine567 Posted January 16, 2021 Posted January 16, 2021 The problem with these long running sagas is that it can be very easy to become complacent and expect him to hang around besotted with you, for ever.. You have been free for 6 months and nothing has really progressed. He may get fed up waiting and before you know it he has found a gf, they are loved up, get engaged and married in a whirl, and you are left alone. If you want him make a positive move, if you don't then don't just keep him hanging on, hoping... I am not saying you need to move in with him next week, but you are in your fifties and life is short...
dramafreezone Posted January 16, 2021 Posted January 16, 2021 (edited) On 1/5/2021 at 6:59 PM, mark clemson said: Sounds to me like he's skilled at playing the long game. Yeah, I used to do that. Be a friend for months to years and hope for it to be more at a certain point. Waste of time to me now. This guy clearly likes her but doesn't want to be too forward, maybe due to a lack of confidence or not wanting to risk sexual harassment. If I knew you were just out of a relationship, I would say that I would love to take you out whenever you feel ready. I don't think that's disrespectful and I don't think it's any pressure on her. Pretty simple OP, you could just have coffee and see if you guys have any chemistry. He may not ask you because again, he seems not to want to be too forward. Coffee is just coffee, no pressure. Edited January 16, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
mark clemson Posted January 16, 2021 Posted January 16, 2021 5 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: Waste of time to me now. Yes. It does make more sense for many folks to just date and I agree just normal dating is likely to yield faster results. That said, since the other person is attached, you actually CAN date. If your dating pans out, you minimize the friendship to "regular friend" status, or at least drop the romantic intentions. But I agree the long game is a long path, and with no guarantee of results, and so regular dating makes more sense for most.
Author Cheryl Grey Posted January 20, 2021 Author Posted January 20, 2021 What about if he is socialising with other women - I know he has got together with one of my 'outer circle' friends for things like an art exhibition. I don't feel any resentment about this, I like them both, but I know nothing about how these sorts of things fit in with people who are playing the long game. She and I chat sometimes, and catch up for drinks every few months. She has socialised with a few male colleagues we've had in the past, always as friends. I suppose my question here is when I do catch up with her next do I say anything to her as she also socialises with him?
Perdu Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 From where I stand, it looks like he is interested in you and would like to date you and you also like him. The best way to find out is to grab a drink outside the office and show your interest in a casual way. If it's indeed mutual, things will unfold. But before doing that, make sure that you really want to date him as a person and not just back out there in the dating field. If if turns out to be a rebound, consider that it will affect your work relationship and you don't know how he will react. Before establishing where you are emotionally at this point in your life, I would suggest trying to figure that out by dating outside from work or close friends circle. Chance are that, is you are not ready for anything serious or romantic yet (6 months may not be enough if you are going through a divorce), it's better to test waters with someone that's not that important to you from the start. 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 2 hours ago, Cheryl Grey said: do I say anything to her as she also socialises with him? What is it you want to say to her? That you have a crush on him? Are you hoping he hasn't noticed that and needs a nudge in your direction?
Versacehottie Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 I don't think you should say anything to her. The thing is--especially in a work environment--you don't want other people involved in your business. ESPECIALLY if you haven't even figured out what you are going to do yet. I do think it's a little odd that he's spent time out with her on what sounds like it might have been a date. All the while he's been doting all over you. Is he desperate, looking for attention from any single available woman at work that he knows or does he have real and true connection with you? In the workplace I think if he is just casting a wide net it's best to stay away from him. From what you wrote before I didn't see this as a red flag but this is added context. Maybe they just went as friends but if it was date-like or there is that potential with them, I'd steer clear of this guy. I guess rather than say something directly to her. Try to find out without showing what you are asking about what is going on with her dating life. See if she spills anything about him. You'd have to do this carefully. Often you find out valuable information about guys you would potentially date from those around them speaking candidly and unguarded rather than from him. But I reiterate, do not let on about what you are doing. You don't want other people in your business like you are in junior high. That's not to presume she would have bad intentions. Maybe she would reach out to him to try to help things along for you. Nah, you don't need that. Handle your own stuff, in your own time. You don't need any sort of pressure from outside sources. Good luck 1
dramafreezone Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 (edited) Agree with Versace, this other woman may poison the well (intentionally or unintentionally). She could all of a sudden end up wanting him for herself, or she could just not want you to date him, or who knows. I just don't see the upside in talking to her about him. I would just explore the possibilities with this guy without anyone else's influence. Edited January 20, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
poppyfields Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 (edited) On 1/16/2021 at 11:06 AM, Watercolors said: Look, you and he are coworkers and in your 50s. This isn't your first time in the dating world. Why blow it up to be such a soap opera? Just ask him to go out to lunch or meet you on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon at a coffee shop for some coffee and conversation. You do not need to launch into a diatribe about your dating needs right now, as you are newly single. You do not owe him any explanation to take care of his feelings. He's a big boy. He doesn't need you to read his mind and tell him what he wants to hear. Tell him what you NEED right now. This: >>tell him I like him but don’t want to rush into anything, This is literally what you can tell him. Nothing more. Nothing less. Keep it casual. Let things unfold naturally. Do not play games. This is excellent advice IMO. Edited January 20, 2021 by poppyfields 1
poppyfields Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 (edited) On 1/16/2021 at 2:38 PM, mark clemson said: But I agree the long game is a long path, and with no guarantee of results, and so regular dating makes more sense for most. Well, there is no guarantee of positive results even with regular dating. It's all a risk no matter how you slice it. The long game can be good for those times when you're unable to meet in person, like now with the pandemic in some areas or when you meet on line long distance. Play the long game until you're able to meet. Other than that, I agree it's best to throw caution to the wind and ask him for coffee or a drink after work. Play it out. I think he's into you. Edited January 20, 2021 by poppyfields 1
dramafreezone Posted January 20, 2021 Posted January 20, 2021 45 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Well, there is no guarantee of positive results even with regular dating. It's all a risk no matter how you slice it. The long game can be good for those times when you're unable to meet in person, like now with the pandemic in some areas or when you meet on line long distance. Play the long game until you're able to meet. Long game is fine as long as you're still circulating and not focusing all of your efforts on this one person.
Author Cheryl Grey Posted January 21, 2021 Author Posted January 21, 2021 15 hours ago, Versacehottie said: In the workplace I think if he is just casting a wide net it's best to stay away from him. From what you wrote before I didn't see this as a red flag but this is added context. Maybe they just went as friends but if it was date-like or there is that potential with them, I'd steer clear of this guy. Oh 100% if there was any sense of something between them I would steer clear. No I don't want her to put in the good word for me, I do not want any help.
Wiseman2 Posted January 21, 2021 Posted January 21, 2021 13 minutes ago, Cheryl Grey said: Oh 100% if there was any sense of something between them I would steer clear. No I don't want her to put in the good word for me, I do not want any help. Excellent. Just steer clear of complicated messy situations. Instead get on some quality dating apps with a good profile and pics and start talking to and meeting men. Keep friends as friends. You need friends at a time like this. Don't blur the lines and risk losing friends because you're lonely and ready to date.
Author Cheryl Grey Posted March 11, 2021 Author Posted March 11, 2021 A bit of an update on things from me. I feel more settled and ready to develop friendships, have been reaching out to friends and doing lots of things from hikes to lunches, dinners and other activities. This includes my male colleague who is the subject of this topic and we have had a chance to spend time outside of work, developing a friendship not connected with work. I have been preparing my late mother's apartment, which I own and have rented out for the past three years, so I can move in and live full-time. It needed total repainting inside, some updating of fittings, replanting of the garden terrace etc. He offered to help me with the work and came over every Saturday for four weeks in a row to help me. I would not have asked him for this help but he offered, a few times, and has promptly turned up each time and worked hard alongside me. This has given me time to get to know him better as a friend and we now openly refer to each other as friends. I do genuinely like his company and should we only ever be friends, I would be happy with that. There is no feeling of taking things to any other level at this point - we are just getting to know each other. We have a social outing planned to see an art exhibition in late April and something else later in the year. I will be moving to another division of our company later in the year - which would mean we will then not work together and have no need for work contact at all. I would be curious to see how things go after that and take it from there. Meanwhile I am focussing my time on friends, but if a dating opportunity came up with someone else I would explore that, just for fun. But really, I am happy just focussing on myself for now.
Versacehottie Posted March 11, 2021 Posted March 11, 2021 Nice to hear. You probably have a lot going on with the apartment and moving. Perhaps after that, you owe it to yourself to focus on your dating life as well. I think if you date others outside of work it will give you a clear idea of how you really feel about this guy. A way to test things without messing up a friendship or having it go on at ANY part of work. Sounds like you have a great friendship now which is good and maybe that is all it's meant to be. Good luck!
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