guest569 Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 On 1/6/2021 at 6:01 AM, deaana1 said: I live alone abroad. It is not that I need their approval. I just want their approval. Don't want them to disagree with my choices. And ehat I hate is people telling me "I told you so, but you did what you wanted" Do you apply this to choices in every area of your life? 1
basil67 Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 (edited) @deaana1 Saying "I told you so but you did what you wanted" such a rude thing to say. Learning from our mistakes is part of life and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. Edited January 9, 2021 by basil67 2
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2021 Posted January 9, 2021 On 1/7/2021 at 10:51 AM, deaana1 said: Actually I am not that dependent economically. I work myself, I live alone, but it is not that I can easily make decisions on my own always. Have you ever done anything to defy your parents? I'm not talking about hurting them or disavowing them. I'm talking about taking a small stand "against" them to assert your independence. Taking those small steps to cut the apron strings gives you the courage and the confidence to assert yourself in more important areas, like who you date, later in life For example in HS I wanted a denim jacket. My parents did not like jeans in any form & wouldn't buy me the jacket. Once I got to college, I started saving my money & I bought myself a jean jacket. It was the most expensive thing I ever bought to date, $40. I love that jacket. It represents my rebellion & my independence. I made my own decision. 30+ years later I still have & wear that jacket. That little act of defiance helped me to withstand my parents' disapproval about other things including who I dated & where I lived. It set me on a path to self reliance. In time my parents came to trust my decisions even when they would have made different choices. 1
Author deaana1 Posted January 9, 2021 Author Posted January 9, 2021 11 hours ago, smiley1 said: Do you apply this to choices in every area of your life? No
Author deaana1 Posted January 9, 2021 Author Posted January 9, 2021 Btw I messed up again. I was planning with my boyfriend to go on the mountain near the city with another couple. They organised things and I said I will come. I told my mom so ans she said she was worried because of the weather because it was raining and said you won't go. I told my boyfriend I can't come and he told his friends that her mother doesn't allow her. We started fighting because he said that he can't spend time with me even thoug he wants to just because of my mother. His friend said him probably she doesn't feel comfortable with us that is why she doesn't want to come. And I feel really ashamed for the fact that I am 21 years old and I expect permission from my mother. They probably will be talking about me for being so dependent in that age and not being able to stand on my feet. I feel ashamed.
Author deaana1 Posted January 9, 2021 Author Posted January 9, 2021 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: Have you ever done anything to defy your parents? I'm not talking about hurting them or disavowing them. I'm talking about taking a small stand "against" them to assert your independence. Taking those small steps to cut the apron strings gives you the courage and the confidence to assert yourself in more important areas, like who you date, later in life For example in HS I wanted a denim jacket. My parents did not like jeans in any form & wouldn't buy me the jacket. Once I got to college, I started saving my money & I bought myself a jean jacket. It was the most expensive thing I ever bought to date, $40. I love that jacket. It represents my rebellion & my independence. I made my own decision. 30+ years later I still have & wear that jacket. That little act of defiance helped me to withstand my parents' disapproval about other things including who I dated & where I lived. It set me on a path to self reliance. In time my parents came to trust my decisions even when they would have made different choices. I have had somekind of rebellion. During lockdown, I came to my country and met my boyfriend once after 2 months. After 1 month we met he wanted to meet me so badly, me too so I said to my mom that I will go to a friend. He got so upset, she followed me to get back home and started crying, she got sick because she was stressed but I still went. And I felt terrible for that situation.
Author deaana1 Posted January 9, 2021 Author Posted January 9, 2021 Btw he thinks and is accusing me of cheating because of these situations. He was always jeaous, but now he thinks I am cheating or at least talk with somebody else. And I hate it because I would never do such things to him or whoever I was in a relationship with
Kai_Kai Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 As someone who HAD to tell their parents about my relationship. I would be very cautious on who you involve in your parents realm. If you have to tell them make sure this person is someone worth the potential temporary drama between your parents and you guys. If this is just a temporary thing because it is your first relationship and you are just testing the waters then they don't need to know. You are 21...they don't have to know every aspect about your world. Unless you live with them then I can see how that may be hard trying to keep a relationship under the rug. Just make sure this dude is worth the drama. Sometimes these guys are really not worth it. Only you can make that choice. Good luck
Wiseman2 Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 Unfortunately this is more of a battle between you and your parents. It really has nothing to do with him, per se. You're in a power struggle with your mother for more independence. Would you say your parents are sort of helicopter parents who keep you on a tight leash? All you can do, rather than rebel or sneak around is instill their trust in you to make more mature decisions. That means being trustworthy and transparent. Sneaking around with some guy you assume they won't like us ironically displaying that you can't be trusted or aren't making mature choices. Be more forthcoming and straight up. Fibbing like a little kid is keeping you in this power struggle for more independence.
Author deaana1 Posted January 12, 2021 Author Posted January 12, 2021 Btw, I told my mom that I liked him and a lot about his life. She didn't like the fact of the degree, but said "you can decide yourself, I knowyou won't disappoint me, don't rush and fall to fast for him, tske it easy. If he loves you, he will find you wherever you are" But now is the guy who wants to break up and never go back, because he said I can't trust you that you have changed, even though I am showing him
balletomane Posted January 15, 2021 Posted January 15, 2021 We take the patterns of behaviour we learn in our families into all our relationships. In your relationship with your parents, you want approval, you struggle to do certain things without their permission (like going to stay with a boyfriend), and you're used to blaming yourself for your parents' emotional reactions (even if those are disproportionate). You're acting in exactly the same way with this boyfriend. You're desperate for his approval and you blame yourself for everything that goes wrong ("I messed up again", "That was my fault", etc.), to the point where you think it's your responsibility to persuade him you haven't been cheating. It is painfully obvious to an outsider that you're falling into the same pattern you're in with your parents. You need to break that pattern, full stop. The issue isn't how to placate your boyfriend while also keeping your parents happy. It's how to stop thinking it's your responsibility to soothe everyone by finding a way to do what they all want. 1
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