stillafool Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 8 minutes ago, deaana1 said: The plan is that we move together of course. He considers me the one he is marrying and that is in our plans. For the moment I want to tell them, so we can stay longer together, or I can sleep at his house often, or go on vacation together and be as real couple, not hiding all the time If this is the case you are going to have to find the courage to stand up to your parents and tell them what YOU are going to do. It's a part of growing up and being an adult. 1
JRabbit Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 You're 21, time to move out then you no longer need your parents approval for anything.
Author deaana1 Posted January 5, 2021 Author Posted January 5, 2021 55 minutes ago, JRabbit said: You're 21, time to move out then you no longer need your parents approval for anything. I live alone abroad. It is not that I need their approval. I just want their approval. Don't want them to disagree with my choices. And ehat I hate is people telling me "I told you so, but you did what you wanted"
JRabbit Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 54 minutes ago, deaana1 said: I live alone abroad. It is not that I need their approval. I just want their approval. Don't want them to disagree with my choices. And ehat I hate is people telling me "I told you so, but you did what you wanted" Sorry for my assumption! Maybe wait this relationship out a bit more before dropping the bomb on them, to ensure it is really serious?
Author deaana1 Posted January 5, 2021 Author Posted January 5, 2021 3 hours ago, JRabbit said: Sorry for my assumption! Maybe wait this relationship out a bit more before dropping the bomb on them, to ensure it is really serious? It is serious from both sides, me and him. We don't want to break up or just having fun with each other. We see the future together, but still we don't know what will happen. No one is 100% sure that will be with someone forever
Miss Spider Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, deaana1 said: The plan is that we move together of course. He considers me the one he is marrying and that is in our plans. For the moment I want to tell them, so we can stay longer together, or I can sleep at his house often, or go on vacation together and be as real couple, not hiding all the time You can always tell them you are going with a friend. I said do not tell them until you absolutely have to. You can’t un-tell them,.. But you can always tell them later Edited January 5, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
Author deaana1 Posted January 6, 2021 Author Posted January 6, 2021 6 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: You can always tell them you are going with a friend. I said do not tell them until you absolutely have to. You can’t un-tell them,.. But you can always tell them later As I said I have never slept at friends or went on vacation with them. I can tell this once in a while but not often 1
Miss Spider Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) Yes, Perhaps your parents will start to take the hint that it is more than a friend. But at that point, you won’t have to tell them. They will probably already know. You are 21. I would think it would be assumed. My parents definitely assumed when I was staying with a friend for a very very long time. If they pressed to meet them just put it off. If they won’t approve of him they, won’t approve of him. Not much can be done there. I suggest waiting it out until you have to drop that bomb. Especially since you all are long distance. You have a pretty valid excuse for why are you put it off for so long. Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
Wiseman2 Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 Just curious why your dating life or this guy in particular is a secret from your parents? Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? Is there a reason dating someone is taboo? Do you and your family live in the same area? Does he? You claim you're long distance, but then seem to go to great lengths not to be seen with him in public? If you are long distance with him how often do you see him? 1
Miss Spider Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 Probably because he doesn’t meet her parents stringent standards
Author deaana1 Posted January 6, 2021 Author Posted January 6, 2021 13 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Yes, Perhaps your parents will start to take the hint that it is more than a friend. But at that point, you won’t have to tell them. They will probably already know. You are 21. I would think it would be assumed. My parents definitely assumed when I was staying with a friend for a very very long time. If they pressed to meet them just put it off. If they won’t approve of him they, won’t approve of him. Not much can be done there. I suggest waiting it out until you have to drop that bomb. Especially since you all are long distance. You have a pretty valid excuse for why are you put it off for so long. My grandmother has assumed but I have said "No". And my mother makes fun out of it because she doesn't believe it. She thinks it would be stupid to hide it because she is telling me to find someone 1
Author deaana1 Posted January 6, 2021 Author Posted January 6, 2021 22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Just curious why your dating life or this guy in particular is a secret from your parents? Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage? Is there a reason dating someone is taboo? Do you and your family live in the same area? Does he? You claim you're long distance, but then seem to go to great lengths not to be seen with him in public? If you are long distance with him how often do you see him? He doesn't meet my parent's standard that is why it is a secret. I study abroad. He lives in my country, so do my parents. We meet each other every 2-3 months
guest569 Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 There's not much to discuss. You can't make someone approve. You either decide to be with this guy and defend your relationship, or bow down to your parents and find someone solely based on their education level. 2
stillafool Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 1 hour ago, smiley1 said: There's not much to discuss. You can't make someone approve. You either decide to be with this guy and defend your relationship, or bow down to your parents and find someone solely based on their education level. I agree. These are your only choices in this matter. Which one are you going to do?
Wiseman2 Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 Do you want tips on how to tell your parents? Start with "I'm seeing someone". Keep it light. Let them ask questions rather than volunteer info. Don't start out with heavy duty future talk. Simply aver that you are just seeing someone. If you start out with a forbidden love Romeo and Juliet saga, it will just create drama and more resistance. Are you afraid to tell them about him in particular or that you are dating at all? Do your parents discourage dating or is it expected that you will be chaste until marriage? Your fear of admitting that you are seeing someone seems a bit out of proportion.
Author deaana1 Posted January 6, 2021 Author Posted January 6, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Do you want tips on how to tell your parents? Start with "I'm seeing someone". Keep it light. Let them ask questions rather than volunteer info. Don't start out with heavy duty future talk. Simply aver that you are just seeing someone. If you start out with a forbidden love Romeo and Juliet saga, it will just create drama and more resistance. Are you afraid to tell them about him in particular or that you are dating at all? Do your parents discourage dating or is it expected that you will be chaste until marriage? Your fear of admitting that you are seeing someone seems a bit out of proportion. I am afraid to tell them just because of his education level and long distance relationship. If this guys would be in the same country as me and would have a degree I would have told them since I started dating
guest569 Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 If you're so ashamed to be with him, it's just very insulting and unfair to the man. 1
basil67 Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 @Deanna1 I think it's your over reliance on seeking your mother's approval which is the problem here, not the boyfriend. Even your mother wishes for you to become less reliant on her. Do you not believe she would be proud of you to become a strong, independent woman who can make decisions for herself? If you live your whole life only doing things which your mother would approve of, how will you learn to make your own judgements? Make your own decisions? As a mother of a young woman who's about your age, I see boyfriends come and go. Some I think are a great fit and others I know will be short term things. I see her doing things which I don't necessarily agree with, but that's OK because she will learn by her mistakes and I'll be there to give her a shoulder to cry on as she learns. To me, question you should be asking is not about the boyfriend, but how to unravel this relationship you have with your mother and learn to be an independent thinker. 1 1
Miss Spider Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) Basil, I know that you are not implying it is easy to do, because it’s not. You are the type of parent that most people would love to have. A lot of parents aren’t as understanding. A lot of people have parents that have them emotionally by the b*lls to one extent or another. Some people might get disowned, but plenty more would just face insidious judgment, guilt-tripping, and ostracism because of dating someone who is not up to standards. This is also something that the person they are dating has to deal with too. At the dinner table they could be being picked on, scrutinized, or just plain bullied. Or maybe they will be more passive aggressive/manipulative about it, making her feel she has disappointed, offended, and hurt them. Maybe they will just outright not accept the grandchildren or invite them to get-togethers. Parents can do all sorts of messed up things because they know that kids do normally care a lot about how their parents feel and what they think. They are actually the first person we look up to and want to do right by. Most people love their parents, even if they are judgmental ***holes, and do not want to cause any kind of friction in their relationship. It’s not that they absolutely won’t, it’s just some thing that takes a lot of thinking about. Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes
basil67 Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 @Shortskirtslonglashes the OP has given us no reason to believe this is the case for her. My advice is not for all and sundry, it's for the OP based on her own description of the situation. 1 1
Miss Spider Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) Yea I gave examples of the extreme end of the spectrum,but she gave us reason to believe there’s pressure. Same principle. The desire to please parents. Easy to say dont care as much about what they think. Harder to do Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 7, 2021 Posted January 7, 2021 Ok, well you don't want to tell them, your only option is to keep this guy you are dating a secret until you guys breakup. That way your parents will never have to know about him. Sooner or later, you'll have to break up since you can't tell your parents and he's tired of being a secret. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 7, 2021 Posted January 7, 2021 This is on you. You are keeping this guy a secret & it's hurting him. You go out of your way to make sure nobody finds out about him. Do you realize that every time you do that YOU are telling him he's not good enough? I honestly don't know why he stays with you. When you are 21 & in school, you are probably economically dependent on your mother. It also sounds like there are cultural pressures at work too. When you are ready to be an adult -- to make your own decisions without regard to a parent's approval -- when you are ready to be independent & to fight for what you want, it will be easy to tell your parents about who you are dating. Instead you continue to hide because you want to. You claim it's too tough to be your own person.
Author deaana1 Posted January 7, 2021 Author Posted January 7, 2021 3 hours ago, d0nnivain said: This is on you. You are keeping this guy a secret & it's hurting him. You go out of your way to make sure nobody finds out about him. Do you realize that every time you do that YOU are telling him he's not good enough? I honestly don't know why he stays with you. When you are 21 & in school, you are probably economically dependent on your mother. It also sounds like there are cultural pressures at work too. When you are ready to be an adult -- to make your own decisions without regard to a parent's approval -- when you are ready to be independent & to fight for what you want, it will be easy to tell your parents about who you are dating. Instead you continue to hide because you want to. You claim it's too tough to be your own person. Yes, he is tired of that and he says he doesn't feel enough for me. He says he is hoping to change and is with me just because he loves. If it would be somebody else, he would have broken up. While he is constantly showing other people that he is proud if having me, I am hiding him. Actually I am not that dependent economically. I work myself, I live alone, but it is not that I can easily make decisions on my own always.
kendahke Posted January 7, 2021 Posted January 7, 2021 Quote How to tell parents about guy you are dating when you know they won't like him Are you still living off their dime or need their money to subsidize your life? If not, you tell them this is who you're dating and you don't entertain any of their feed back because you're grown and no longer need their permission. They dont' have to date him--they sound like they need to work on their own marriage instead of trying to relive their younger years through you and who you choose.
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