deaana1 Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 Hello, I am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We have our ups and downs but we love each other. The problem is my parents doesn't know about this relationship. It is my first one. I am 21 btw. My mother is ok with me having a relationship, but she has always told me to find someone who has a university degree. My father doesn't have one and my mom thinks we have had financial problems because of that. She also doesn't think that long distanca relationships work and she thinks these are nonsense. The guy I am dating doesn't have a university degree, but he is very smart and ambitious. He says that in his family all of them have a degree but they have also had financial issues, so it doesn't mean anything. He says that he will go to university if he doesn't reach his golas at a certain age. He can speak 3 foreign languages and gets paid a lot compared to the average in my country. Actually I don't like the fact he hasn't studied while I am studying informatic, but I know he is ambitious, not just someone who doesn't work or wants to benefit from others. All his family knows me personally and loves me, while my family doesn't know about him. He is tired of that and being hidden and I understand him, I would be too in his place. We are constantly having fights about this and he will probably break up with me if I won't tell. I really want to tell them because that would be easier for me to meet him and spend time with him, but I don't want my mom to be against this relationship. I should admitt I am so dependent to my mom and if she is against this relationship, I can't defend him and us. I also don't know how to tell her. I don't want to tell her that I have been lying the whole time. I have never talked to my mom about guys I like, even when I have told her once or twice, she wasn't ok because they weren't right for me (she was right in fact). Can you give me any advice? I don't want to lose him
central Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 It's a FIRST relationship, and probably not your last. So why not tell your parents, with the understanding that THIS is almost certainly not going to lead to marriage. But if it does, his financial success is a better indicator of future success than a degree.
smackie9 Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 Tell them you are just dating, and probably will be dating other men before you want to settle down with the right one.
elaine567 Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 Why bother rocking the boat with your mother, when it is obvious from your last thread he has lost interest in you...
Author deaana1 Posted January 4, 2021 Author Posted January 4, 2021 19 minutes ago, central said: It's a FIRST relationship, and probably not your last. So why not tell your parents, with the understanding that THIS is almost certainly not going to lead to marriage. But if it does, his financial success is a better indicator of future success than a degree. My mom knows that first relationship won't certainly lead to marriage. But she says be with someone who fullfills some standards and see if it works out, but not just someone. I agree with the last sentence and I think it is more important.
Author deaana1 Posted January 4, 2021 Author Posted January 4, 2021 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: Why bother rocking the boat with your mother, when it is obvious from your last thread he has lost interest in you... It was a misunderstanding. I talked to him, but he went because he had problems. He said that I have been promising a change and nothing happens. He said he loves me and wants to be with me forever and is making plans about our future, but doesn't want to be hidden all the time, while he is proud having me
introverted1 Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 This guy? It doesn't sound like this r/s will last, so why tell anyone anything? 2
Author deaana1 Posted January 4, 2021 Author Posted January 4, 2021 42 minutes ago, introverted1 said: This guy? It doesn't sound like this r/s will last, so why tell anyone anything? This situation happened because of me. And except meeting his friends twice and going to his place of birth because he had problems, he tried to spend the other days with me.
Foxhall Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 You could have a group photo with the two of you and a few other friends of yours, then gradually introduce him to your parents by mentioning that this is a friend of a friend or something.
Author deaana1 Posted January 4, 2021 Author Posted January 4, 2021 1 minute ago, Foxhall said: You could have a group photo with the two of you and a few other friends of yours, then gradually introduce him to your parents by mentioning that this is a friend of a friend or something. My mom knows him. Not personally but as a friend of mine because we used to work together. She told me that I could go out with him, because I didn't want to at first. Then when she knew he didn't have a degree, he didn't like him anymore
basil67 Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 (edited) When you say that your mother doesn't like him anymore, do you mean that she dislikes him? Or that she doesn't approve of him as a boyfriend? Is your culture one where it's normal for parents to approve who their adult children date? Edited January 4, 2021 by basil67
Foxhall Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 15 minutes ago, deaana1 said: My mom knows him. Not personally but as a friend of mine because we used to work together. She told me that I could go out with him, because I didn't want to at first. Then when she knew he didn't have a degree, he didn't like him anymore that sounds a bit harsh on the face of it, but they want whats best for you too, I have not read your other thread, but obviously whatever you are saying about the guy to your folks is not convincing them and your not convinced yourself either
stillafool Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 I don't understand why you have to tell your parents you are seeing him. Can you explain? Can't you go out of the house without your parent's permission?
Author deaana1 Posted January 5, 2021 Author Posted January 5, 2021 58 minutes ago, elaine567 said: How old is he? 26
Author deaana1 Posted January 5, 2021 Author Posted January 5, 2021 55 minutes ago, basil67 said: When you say that your mother doesn't like him anymore, do you mean that she dislikes him? Or that she doesn't approve of him as a boyfriend? Is your culture one where it's normal for parents to approve who their adult children date? She doesn't approve him as a boyfriend. She knows he is a "friend" of mine and I was mentioning her his name many time. She then asked "Are you dating him?". I said yes and it looked like she didn't like it. Maybe I didn't interpret it right. For last question, I don't know what to say. Not really, but things are better when they approve him. As I mention, me and my mother have a strong relation to each other and I am dependent on her for many things. That is the way I built the relationship. She didn't want me to be so dependent on her. Maybe I have low self esteem, but I want her opinion on many things, which picture is better to post, or what should I wear. I bought a pair of shoes, which my mom didn't like, and I started to change my opinion on them, even though she was trying to convince me that I should be more independent. As I said, she doesn't want me to be like that and I don't want too, but I have always had her approval, permission and trust all the time (even when I was a teen or younger) and somehow I don't want to disappoint her.
Author deaana1 Posted January 5, 2021 Author Posted January 5, 2021 52 minutes ago, stillafool said: I don't understand why you have to tell your parents you are seeing him. Can you explain? Can't you go out of the house without your parent's permission? Of course I can. But I don't usually come late or sleep at my friend's house often so that would be a bit awkward. If I go to a "friend", actually I have to tell at which one because my friends are childhood ones and my parents know them, even their parents. Or they just ask, whom are you meeting today, they don't have any intentions in these questions. It is not that they stop me to meet guys, date or meet my friends. They could see me kissing or hugging him on the street, and they would just know and that would be worse for hiding him. My mom says that it would be fine if I have a boyfriend, she is open about it. She doesn't even understand my friends who don't tell their parents of guys they are dating because she finds it normal.
Wiseman2 Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 Why is it long distance? Are you from different cultures, countries or socioeconomic or religious backgrounds? Although most young adults don't discuss thier dating lives with parents, it seems your BF is upset about being a secret. Perhaps your mother would prefer you to climb social ladders, but if he's as controlling and abusive as you've claimed, that would be the bigger problem. You may want to tell him it's all about your mother's musings on education, but in reality people in bad or embarrassing relationships tend to keep it a secret.
elaine567 Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: in reality people in bad or embarrassing relationships tend to keep it a secret. Exactly. Deanna, You know this guy is not good for you, yet you cling on like grim death hoping to please him, hoping to be "enough". Every thread you write is overwhelmingly filled with advice to run, yet your stay. He is your first relationship. Dating is NOT about finding someone and hoping he will change into the person you want him to be. Life doesn't work like that. Your job whilst dating is to filter out the ones who are not a good fit. He needs filtered out, not for his lack of education necessarily but because you feel the need to keep complaining about the stuff he does and says to you. Truth is HE is not good enough for you, and deep down you know it, hence why you need to keep him a secret. You know your mother would be disappointed to find out this guy is not making you happy. And don't say he does, as that is blatant nonsense.
Author deaana1 Posted January 5, 2021 Author Posted January 5, 2021 5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Why is it long distance? Are you from different cultures, countries or socioeconomic or religious backgrounds? Although most young adults don't discuss thier dating lives with parents, it seems your BF is upset about being a secret. Perhaps your mother would prefer you to climb social ladders, but if he's as controlling and abusive as you've claimed, that would be the bigger problem. You may want to tell him it's all about your mother's musings on education, but in reality people in bad or embarrassing relationships tend to keep it a secret. We are not from different cultures. And he is not abusive or controlling. He is rights about being secret. His family and friends and everyone knew me since the beginning. They were inviting me on family events and everyone has welcomed me. Me on the other side, didn't tell anyone. His problem is that he thinks we are having a relationship like we are 13 years old. All the time me trying not to be seen in public. "Don't kiss me there", "Don't hug me", "I think I saw my cousin", "Don't kiss me on forehead when we are on this street" checking the restaurants before going because I don't want to meet my cousins etc And that is the reason he is upset for being secret. He thinks we can't have a normal relationship. "You stay at me only 2 hours, sleep with me once in 6-7 months." He says "We are having a distance relationship and I agreed on that because I love you, but even when you are here, we still have a distance relationship" I ubserstand him. I am tired too of the fact that we can't meet like every couple, not trying to be hidden or afraid that could be seen. I want to tell my parents "I am going to his house" and they don't call me all the time saying "It is late, when are you comin?" We have been on intimate moments and I have interrupted everything just because my mom called or texted (because they get worried if I don't answer on time), there were also 2-3 times I have gone in the middle of the act. He says it feels bad to treat him like that. "You are with me and checking all the time your phone to see if it is late so you leave." He wanted to go to Cappadocia with me and I told me "I can't, because I don't know what to tell my parents" and so many other situations When I meet him, I am always mentioning friends' names, and I can't stand it anymore. We are both tired of this situation. I just want to tell them and be free
ExpatInItaly Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 14 hours ago, introverted1 said: It doesn't sound like this r/s will last, so why tell anyone anything? Yeah, exactly. Telling your parents about him isn't going to save this relationship, OP.
stillafool Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 14 hours ago, deaana1 said: My mom says that it would be fine if I have a boyfriend, she is open about it. She doesn't even understand my friends who don't tell their parents of guys they are dating because she finds it normal. Since you want to please your mother why don't you just drop this guy and date a guy of your mother's choosing instead?
Author deaana1 Posted January 5, 2021 Author Posted January 5, 2021 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Since you want to please your mother why don't you just drop this guy and date a guy of your mother's choosing instead? Because I don't love a guy of my mother's choosing and I wouldn't be happy
Miss Spider Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 Just curious, why do you need to tell them? Is there a plan for this long distance relationship to move closer? Like does he plan on moving close to you, or coming to your town and visiting? Or anything like that. Why would your parents even need to know
Author deaana1 Posted January 5, 2021 Author Posted January 5, 2021 16 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Just curious, why do you need to tell them? Is there a plan for this long distance relationship to move closer? Like does he plan on moving close to you, or coming to your town and visiting? Or anything like that. Why would your parents even need to know The plan is that we move together of course. He considers me the one he is marrying and that is in our plans. For the moment I want to tell them, so we can stay longer together, or I can sleep at his house often, or go on vacation together and be as real couple, not hiding all the time
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