BF doesn't trust me anymore

[DKT3]

Ok, the boyfriend is a terrible guy as so many posters here seem to want to focus on...him terrible,  her just a victim. 

However,  op knows this not to be the case. Even if it were how does focusing on that really help her?

She could dump him today and start a new relationship in a few months and guess what,  the same dynamic,  as I'm sure it was in most of her past relationships.  

OP you remind me of a childhood friend who had a drinking problem.  He would often say man I was messed up back then, I'm not that person anymore....while drinking.

You see by not shutting this stuff down you are still that person,  maybe not on the same level but also not different. 

[angelfire138]

2 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Ok, the boyfriend is a terrible guy as so many posters here seem to want to focus on...him terrible,  her just a victim. 

However,  op knows this not to be the case. Even if it were how does focusing on that really help her?

She could dump him today and start a new relationship in a few months and guess what,  the same dynamic,  as I'm sure it was in most of her past relationships.  

OP you remind me of a childhood friend who had a drinking problem.  He would often say man I was messed up back then, I'm not that person anymore....while drinking.

You see by not shutting this stuff down you are still that person,  maybe not on the same level but also not different. 

Thank you for your response. I know many people like that as well, who claim to want to change but not willing to put in the work to do so.

I’m not sure if you read my previous posts, but I blocked and deleted all of my male “friends”. These men were all from my past, and my boundaries are much stronger. I don’t entertain other men anymore beyond general friendliness and politeness, and I certainly haven’t given out my number to anyone since a little before I started dating my boyfriend.

But setting and enforcing boundaries is something I need to get better with, 100%, regardless. And I’m working through it in therapy.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, angelfire138 said:

But setting and enforcing boundaries is something I need to get better with, 100%, regardless. And I’m working through it in therapy.

Can you appreciate that by staying with this man, you are not demonstrating healthy boundaries. 

There has been a lot of discussion here about your attention seeking tendencies with other men. Respecting your partner enough to maintain healthy boundaries with other people is one thing. A VERY important thing, This could mean not sharing person information about your partner or your relationship with friends, or defending with your partner if your family is being excessively demanding, or respecting your partner enough not to flirt/spend time with other men. 

But establishing healthy boundaries in a relationship also means that you and your partner create a safe and healthy space for the other person in a relationship. There is respect, and honesty, and transparency, and trust. Is your partner demonstrating these things when he yells at you and demeans you? Is he doing this when he monitors your communication and accuses you of lying when there is no evidence to support his concern?  

The first are boundaries that benefit your relationship by protecting your partner - you show them the respect to keep them safe, to protect their trust, and to support your relationship. The second is even more important, as it protects you. By staying with a man who polices you and yells at you, you are showing him that you have no boundaries and you will tolerate his bad behavior. You will allow him to walk all over you. You will allow him to hurt you. When you apologize, agree to isolate from friends and family, and work to appease your partner and his unreasonable demands, you are not protecting yourself. You are allowing this man to change who you are - and that is really sad...

I would encourage you to expand your thinking about healthy boundaries - thinking less about your partner, and more about how you are allowing him to be in a relationship with you. Where is the healthy boundary that protects YOU?

 

Edited January 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[Miss Spider]

4 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Ok, the boyfriend is a terrible guy as so many posters here seem to want to focus on...him terrible,  her just a victim. 

However,  op knows this not to be the case. Even if it were how does focusing on that really help her?

She could dump him today and start a new relationship in a few months and guess what,  the same dynamic,  as I'm sure it was in most of her past relationships.  

OP you remind me of a childhood friend who had a drinking problem.  He would often say man I was messed up back then, I'm not that person anymore....while drinking.

You see by not shutting this stuff down you are still that person,  maybe not on the same level but also not different. 

I agree completely. I see two people that are kind of contributing to things. I think you ( op) are kind of egging this stuff with the dudes on... If that’s the case you need to figure out why you are not shutting the stuff down. It would make a lot of guys a little bit concerned. Maybe they will not be as jealous or insecure as this guy.. but it’s still not a good thing. And you are the one that is here and that we can talk to/help 

[DKT3]

Years ago my wife posted here that I was ignoring her and she physically got my attention.  Now before I go farther I need to say she she grabbed my face with both hands so I would be forced to look her in the eyes..no big deal in my book. Odd thing...she didn't explain how she physically got my attention and received a  bunch of you go girl type post all while dragging me through the mud for being emotionally abusive because I wasn't acknowledging her irrational behavior in that moment. 

Point being,  the point is too often missed.  When ones behavior is poor its a reasonable expectation that people will react poorly.  Too often the leading behavior is overlooked as a direct cause.  

Bottom line, if op was trustworthy then these posts would make a lot more sense.  By her own accounts she has not always been. Working on it isn't the same as being. 

 

[BaileyB]

No, working on it isn’t the same as being. I completely agree. She says that she is working on boundaries and then returns home to man who by her account, yells at her and calls her names. Working on it is not the same as being. 

The thing is, this is a message board so we only ever get one side of the story. Is that story skewed, you bet it is... it also doesn’t necessarily mean that what she has shared is not true.

And when we are talking about a controlling partner, who is reported to demonstrate verbally abusive behavior and has a problem with anger - I am inclined to give the benefit of the doubt and believe what she is saying until proven otherwise. To do anything less puts her at risk.

I have much respect for you OP, you have stared down some posters and said - “yeah, I haven’t always demonstrated good boundaries with men and I’m working on it.”  Continue to work on this, because it’s a REALLY important part of being a good partner for someone. 

But, also consider the fact that your lack of boundaries may be allowing you to stay in a relationship that based on what you have shared, does not sound healthy. To those who say - OP is giving this man cause to act badly in response - to yell, and call her names, and monitor who she talks to, and makes her feel small... I say, let’s give the benefit of the doubt here. Because IF that is what is happening here, there is literally NO EXCUSE for this kind of behavior. Rather than belabour the point that she is somehow causing this kind of response  in the man - and I have no doubt that her admitted lack of boundaries has been a trigger for him - let’s be kind and guide her toward a healthier place... because, if there is even a grain of truth in what she is saying, this is not a healthy place for her to be. 

Edited January 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[Miss Spider]

Sure, this guy admitted he is insecure and he seems to have some issues himself regarding how he handles things. Get out of the relationship and work on the boundary issues. The two are not mutually exclusive. 
 

But if you do not work on your boundary issues you cannot be surprised if you keep in encountering problems like these. Usually, it’s insecure people you end up attracting when you have that kind of behavior 

Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, angelfire138 said:

But setting and enforcing boundaries is something I need to get better with, 100%, regardless. And I’m working through it in therapy.

Excellent. Discuss what this BF is doing in terms of controlling and possessive behaviors.

You need much better boundaries with him. You don't have to stop talking to people, isolate yourself from anyone or report to him about your phone or personal business.

Talk to your therapist about healthy vs controlling relationships.

You may be flattered by his jealousy, but it's a red flag that he sees you as a possession, not an autonomous individual. You should be in control of your social life and privacy, not him.

[Caauug]

On 1/5/2021 at 4:33 AM, Stret said:

BTW, I accidentally called my ex BF names of other men I was with before him, and it didn't mean anything at all. Sometimes I would either see them in the sports club and chat with them informally for a few minutes, other times it was that I had thought of something....

I see it a little different as, OP's BF is serious about OP. He has oneitis and has likely or wants to put OP on a pedestal.... He's likely in love wanting to live the Disney dream. OP just isn't fitting into that role....

15 hours ago, angelfire138 said:

As far as my BF, he’s admitted that he has a short temper and is high-strung, and he is working on it. Unfortunately I have also seen him snap at and yell at family and friends. He won’t see a counselor as he feels like it won’t help him. But, I am seeing a therapist (virtually, but still) to address my own issues. He also knows he has trust and insecurity issues from his past and also an ex-girlfriend being shady and she wound up cheating on him.

OP, if he's not wanting to address his behavioral problems and get help, what is your life going to be like with him? You can change yourself but you can not change/fix him, he has to do that. I think you know this, that is why you have tried to kept the other men as orbiters... 

Lots of damage done with/by both of you. Is it really worth the time and effort to try and save the relationship if he will likely never change. With his trust for you gone and your now history for telling lies and misleading him, what kind of relationship do you really have? Often is it better to start fresh than to try and live with just some of the broken fixed, but not all. 

Wind it up with BF and give Joe a call, he was one of your back ups anyway.

 

[angelfire138]

Just want to thank everyone again for all your responses. There’s a lot to go through and it’s made me think a lot about my own behavior and how it can come off a certain way. And I appreciate that very much. 
 

I know I’ve mentioned that my boyfriend is insecure and can definitely act poorly. He acknowledged all this and he has been working on it on his own. Since I posted back in June, I’ve noticed some improvements. He’s been better about knowing when he’s going to react a certain way and has either stepped out, or just stayed quiet until he was ready to talk. When this happened, he reverted back to his prior behavior and way of dealing with things. 
 

I will admit that in the past, I’ve been hurt by exes who insisted on talking to and hanging out with other women while in a relationship with me and refused to commit or act like they had a girlfriend. I guess I kept these other guys around as sort of a defense mechanism for awhile. I learned that it’s wrong to do this and it took me awhile to learn that validation has to come from myself and not external sources. Which is why I had no problem blocking and deleting all of those male “friends”. They weren’t adding anything to my life, anyway. 
 

In response to a few previous posts that I didn’t address earlier...yes, FOO issues have taught me that it’s better to be secretive, but that’s a whole other story. I’ve made myself be honest with my family as well, even if they disapprove of my choices. I never believed that my boyfriend was cheating at any point, I know he had a close female friend that he cut contact with in the past few months, he said out of respect for me. And I do believe he just wants to be with one woman and he’s said he only ever talked to one woman at a time when he was single.

In response to Caauug, I have no interest in contacting Joe. I no longer have his contact info and he isn’t someone I’d ever want to date, even if I was single. 

I talked to my best friend about everything that’s happened, and she agreed that it looked like I was talking to a lot of other guys. I will be bringing this issue up with my therapist as well. 

Edited January 6, 2021 by angelfire138

[Miss Spider]

Good introspection, angelfire. Best wishes to you. 

[angelfire138]

Thank you, shortskirts! 

I really want to give a genuine and heartfelt thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to this post. I took everyone’s responses seriously, and the varied responses helped me to open my eyes to see that we’re both contributing to the problem. I have some more work and self-reflection to do. In the end, we can only change ourselves.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week ahead!

 

[angelfire138]

Hello all, I realized I never followed up on this thread and wanted to do so now. As many of you said, his behavior got worse as time went on, and I left him 3 weeks ago. 

He was very on and off for awhile. He would be fine, and then throw the whole thing with Joe back in my face. He started accusing me of cheating with everyone, even my 70-year old accountant who I saw for 5 minutes to pick up my tax papers. Accusations of having lunch with other men during my lunch breaks, breaks that I typically worked through and eat alone. Just because Joe called me one time during my lunch break, a call I never picked up. Accused me of secretly seeing another guy when in a drunken rage, he grabbed my phone, pulled out an old photo of me and a guy I went out with 2 years ago, screenshotted it while drunkenly rumbling with my phone, and then screamed that I had *just* seen him, even though the time stamp was at a time I was sitting right next to my BF. The list goes on. He threatened to throw me out of his car twice in the middle of the highway, past midnight because he thought I was flirting with other men, including his own cousin’s boyfriend. I had been friendly and laughing but I never stood close to or touched them at all. 
 

By this time, I hadn’t spoken to any of my male friends in months, shared my GPS location whenever I went to visit my mom (the only person I saw outside of him), sent him time and location-stamped photos while I was with her, and he made it so miserable for me to talk to my 2 best friends that I just stopped talking to them too. Of course an old male friend and my best friend reached out to see if I was ok, and he threw a fit saying I was still secretly talking to them behind his back. He’s said the most evil, hateful things to me while he was drunk. I dreaded the nights he went drinking.

Since we’ve broken up, he said he never thought I was cheating and he was just so hurt from the past and said he never should have taken it out on me. Last I heard, he started therapy and AA. I wish him well but I have no desire to live in his prison again. It took me a long time to acknowledge the emotional/verbal abuse and I’m a recovering codependent. I wish I had left earlier.

Thank you all again for your responses. I had a lot to think through and many of your words stayed in my mind as I figured out what to do.

Edited May 4, 2021 by angelfire138

[Stupidkupid]

1 hour ago, angelfire138 said:

Hello all, I realized I never followed up on this thread and wanted to do so now. As many of you said, his behavior got worse as time went on, and I left him 3 weeks ago. 

He was very on and off for awhile. He would be fine, and then throw the whole thing with Joe back in my face. He started accusing me of cheating with everyone, even my 70-year old accountant who I saw for 5 minutes to pick up my tax papers. Accusations of having lunch with other men during my lunch breaks, breaks that I typically worked through and eat alone. Just because Joe called me one time during my lunch break, a call I never picked up. Accused me of secretly seeing another guy when in a drunken rage, he grabbed my phone, pulled out an old photo of me and a guy I went out with 2 years ago, screenshotted it while drunkenly rumbling with my phone, and then screamed that I had *just* seen him, even though the time stamp was at a time I was sitting right next to my BF. The list goes on. He threatened to throw me out of his car twice in the middle of the highway, past midnight because he thought I was flirting with other men, including his own cousin’s boyfriend. I had been friendly and laughing but I never stood close to or touched them at all. 
 

By this time, I hadn’t spoken to any of my male friends in months, shared my GPS location whenever I went to visit my mom (the only person I saw outside of him), sent him time and location-stamped photos while I was with her, and he made it so miserable for me to talk to my 2 best friends that I just stopped talking to them too. Of course an old male friend and my best friend reached out to see if I was ok, and he threw a fit saying I was still secretly talking to them behind his back. He’s said the most evil, hateful things to me while he was drunk. I dreaded the nights he went drinking.

Since we’ve broken up, he said he never thought I was cheating and he was just so hurt from the past and said he never should have taken it out on me. Last I heard, he started therapy and AA. I wish him well but I have no desire to live in his prison again. It took me a long time to acknowledge the emotional/verbal abuse and I’m a recovering codependent. I wish I had left earlier.

Thank you all again for your responses. I had a lot to think through and many of your words stayed in my mind as I figured out what to do.

I'm just pleased you got out. An astonishing number of men like this go on to badly assault or murder their partner.

I hope you're doing okay.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, angelfire138 said:

his behavior got worse as time went on, and I left him 3 weeks ago. 

Excellent. Hopefully you've deleted and  blocked him from all social media, devices and messaging apps. 

[balletomane]

Congratulations on getting out of a relationship that clearly wasn't good for you. So much of what you wrote reminded me of my own experience with a suspicious, explosive-tempered ex. He was constantly accusing me of cheating on him, to the point where he decided I must be secretly bisexual and was having affairs with multiple female friends. This meant that I literally couldn't see any of my friends without him getting angry and possessive. Male or female, he was paranoid about anyone I spoke to.

Long story short: he cheated on me with at least two women. These are just the ones I know about with 100% certainty; there may have been others. Now I think people who display that kind of seemingly irrational paranoia may well be feeling defensive on their own account. Either way, this is not behaviour anyone should tolerate in a partner.