BF doesn't trust me anymore

[Acacia98]

Personally, I can't tell who started this unhealthy cycle... But at this point, OP, you're both engaging in unhealthy behavior... You're both hurting yourselves and each other by staying together.

[Weezy1973]

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

All of this begs the question, which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Meaning, was his insecurity, paranoia and controlling actions the reason why she felt the need to hide her male friendships?   For fear of upsetting him, having him fly into a rage, calling names and other nasty behavior?

Or did he become insecure, paranoid, verbally abusive because she's "shady"?

I vote for the former, although it doesn't matter, this relationship is so toxic, it just needs to end. 

It doesn’t matter is right. Having been in multiple relationships, the vast majority of which were healthy and trusting, I did feel insecure and jealous in a couple relationships as well.
 

For me the common denominator for the toxic relationships were women who got some of their self worth from attention from men. This was very different from my parents marriage where my mom shut down any external attention immediately and my dad’s eyes never strayed. 
 

The first time I encountered it, I acted somewhat how the OP is describing her boyfriend. But once I realized I couldn’t trust her, I ended up just breaking up with her as that’s not a relationship in my book. It took awhile though. The second time it happened, I ended the relationship way quicker.

Edited January 4, 2021 by Weezy1973
Clarification

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

It doesn’t matter is right. Having been in multiple relationships, the vast majority of which were healthy and trusting, I did feel insecure and jealous in a couple relationships as well.
 

For me the common denominator for the toxic relationships were women who got some of their self worth from attention from men. This was very different from my parents marriage where my mom shut down any external attention immediately and my dad’s eyes never strayed. 
 

The first time I encountered it, I acted somewhat how the OP is describing her boyfriend. But once I realized I couldn’t trust her, I ended up just breaking up with her as that’s not a relationship in my book. It took awhile though. The second time it happened, I ended the relationship way quicker.

Weezy, agree there are women who are attention seekers, however I'm not sensing that here, I could be wrong!  

Why?  Because women can and do have legit friendships with men, nothing "shady" going on whatsoever.

In any event, whatever the "truth" there is no reason for her boyfriend to be verbally abusive, and screaming at her.

If he can't trust her, regardless of whether her actions are the cause or his distrust comes from his own insecurities which existed long before she came along, he shouid just end the relationship.  Not attempt to control and intimidate through verbal abuse and yelling.  

[snowboy91]

Honestly, IMO this all sounds kind of ridiculous. The way most of the comments so far are coming across, it's as if OP is never allowed to receive any form of contact from any other male ever again, regardless of whether there has been an existing friendship group where the situation was most likely platonic.

She has no control over what these friends (or exes) say or do, what matters is her actions toward them. And if I were her partner, I would see absolutely nothing wrong with the actions she's taken. I mean, she blocked the ex, and this guy Joe literally just messaged the group. The wrong name thing isn't great, but I'd call it an embarrassing once-off if she is known to have such "brain farts".

[Stret]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

Exactly. It wouldn’t take me 3 times to recognize an ex-boyfriend calling me from a new phone number, no matter how long it’s been 2 years or 20 years. And, again, we don’t have the full story here. So it’s hard for ME to believe that the OP’s constantly dishonesty and secrecy didn’t play a part in her boyfriend’s reactions. I just view the poor guy as trying to find out if the OP is cheating on him. I can see why he thinks that she is. She either wants him to think that other men desire her, so that he won’t leave her, or she wants to make him jealous because she doesn’t trust that he really loves her. 

You didn't read the first post about this from June. He was always paranoid and insecure in his own admission, nothing to do with her.  

Not sure what "constant lying" are you referring to. She said she lied once. I am all for telling the truth and hate lying in relationship, but nothing in this world is black and white. Why go through having him scream at her and call her names when she can avoid all that by lying - rather tempting given the only other option. 

She had the ideal reactions to all the guys that contacted her, and her BF should be very happy with how she handled them. 

[CollinW]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

It doesn’t matter is right. Having been in multiple relationships, the vast majority of which were healthy and trusting, I did feel insecure and jealous in a couple relationships as well.
 

For me the common denominator for the toxic relationships were women who got some of their self worth from attention from men. This was very different from my parents marriage where my mom shut down any external attention immediately and my dad’s eyes never strayed. 
 

The first time I encountered it, I acted somewhat how the OP is describing her boyfriend. But once I realized I couldn’t trust her, I ended up just breaking up with her as that’s not a relationship in my book. It took awhile though. The second time it happened, I ended the relationship way quicker.

Exactly. One of the most traumatizing experiences I ever had was being on a relationship with an attention whore. One of the worse things you can do. But I learned a lot about myself from that situation.

Cutting off bad situations based off red flags, even though it may be tough will save you money, time, self respect and sanity in the long run. 

[CollinW]

54 minutes ago, snowboy91 said:

Honestly, IMO this all sounds kind of ridiculous. The way most of the comments so far are coming across, it's as if OP is never allowed to receive any form of contact from any other male ever again, regardless of whether there has been an existing friendship group where the situation was most likely platonic.

She has no control over what these friends (or exes) say or do, what matters is her actions toward them. And if I were her partner, I would see absolutely nothing wrong with the actions she's taken. I mean, she blocked the ex, and this guy Joe literally just messaged the group. The wrong name thing isn't great, but I'd call it an embarrassing once-off if she is known to have such "brain farts".

I'll tell you this. I've been in situations that ranged from the woman valued me tremendously to she looked at me as a placeholder. And the common thing that correlated to that spectrum was how often situations like this came up. 

When a woman wants you, she was a way of putting it out there that serves as a repellant from other men trying her. If it does happen especially from friends, she has a way to check them publicly and with no secrecy.

If a woman likes entertaining attention from men, wants to leave opportunities open or like the feeling of wanting from the drama these situations occur numerous times. 

Either she's allowing this stuff to happen or her man is a dickless paranoid a**h***, either way it's been snowballing and both need to be checked or she needs to bail. 

[poppyfields]

57 minutes ago, CollinW said:

When a woman wants you, she has a way of putting it out there that serves as a repellant from other men trying her. If it does happen especially from friends, she has a way to check them publicly and with no secrecy.

If a woman likes entertaining attention from men, wants to leave opportunities open or like the feeling of wanting from the drama these situations occur numerous times. 

I’m sorry for your negative experiences Collin, but this is quite presumptuous.  I agreed with Weezy that some women are attention whores, but a woman having male friends by no means suggests she is, that she seeks men out for attention or an ego boost.

Many are long time friends or who are in serious relationships themselves.  There is another thread running asking can men and women be just friends and the answer is yes, and I am living proof.

And trust me I do NOT go out seeking male attention and pretty much shut it down when it’s flirtatious and inappropriate.  However, there is nothing wrong with conversing with a man while waiting for the train or in line at the supermarket, or wherever.  I love my fiancé but my essence does not serve as a repellant from other men, I enjoy meeting and talking to a variety of people of all walks of life.

I have boundaries, and in a good healthy relationship, both people trust that those boundaries will be enforced when necessary. There is no need to go snooping through phones or their socials, or attempting to control through name-calling or yelling, that behaviour is extremely egregious and dysfunctional, I do not understand how anyone could defend that, under any circumstance.  

If I were dating man who believed having a close male friend or two meant I am attention whore, or who expected me to shut down any conversation with a man, however innocent, I would not last two seconds with.

That is extremely oppressive, suffocating, stifling and if this is the way people wish to conduct their relationships, men or women, I wish them luck.

Edited January 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[snowboy91]

50 minutes ago, CollinW said:

I'll tell you this. I've been in situations that ranged from the woman valued me tremendously to she looked at me as a placeholder. And the common thing that correlated to that spectrum was how often situations like this came up. 

When a woman wants you, she was a way of putting it out there that serves as a repellant from other men trying her. If it does happen especially from friends, she has a way to check them publicly and with no secrecy.

Ok, I see your point, but in that case isn't the issue that there is a disconnect in your relationship? Communication from other guys (when they are the ones initiating) isn't a problem because she has no control over what they do. And like I said, she hasn't done anything that could suggest that those guys are a greater priority than her partner. 

What I feel you (and others) are saying is that a woman should be expected to say to every guy out there: "I'm sorry, I'm in a relationship so I'm not allowed to talk to you". So the condition of getting in a relationship is that you lose all friends and acquaintances of the opposite sex... and you can see how that could get problematic (not to mention silly) in a lot of practical settings.

Guys are occasionally going to try with women in relationships (knowingly or not - and I can also argue that women will do that too with guys in relationships). It's what your partner does in response to that - and that requires a lot of trust to know that your partner will maintain the boundaries of the relationship. If they don't, there's a potential issue in the relationship you haven't found yet - which doesn't necessarily say anything about you or your partner as people.

[Watercolors]

3 hours ago, Stret said:

You didn't read the first post about this from June. He was always paranoid and insecure in his own admission, nothing to do with her.  

Not sure what "constant lying" are you referring to. She said she lied once. I am all for telling the truth and hate lying in relationship, but nothing in this world is black and white. Why go through having him scream at her and call her names when she can avoid all that by lying - rather tempting given the only other option. 

She had the ideal reactions to all the guys that contacted her, and her BF should be very happy with how she handled them. 

But do I need to, to have my opinion that the OP is in a toxic relationship with her boyfriend based on both of their behavior (her lack of clear boundaries with her male friends and her secrecy and lying by omission while drunk or sober, and, her boyfriend’s moral policing of her social media and cellphones)? I highly doubt that she just lied to him once. I highly doubt that. Only the OP knows how many times she’s lied to her boyfriend. I just assume it’s multiple times based on his reaction to her lying to him in her OP. 

41 minutes ago, snowboy91 said:

Ok, I see your point, but in that case isn't the issue that there is a disconnect in your relationship? Communication from other guys (when they are the ones initiating) isn't a problem because she has no control over what they do. And like I said, she hasn't done anything that could suggest that those guys are a greater priority than her partner. 

What I feel you (and others) are saying is that a woman should be expected to say to every guy out there: "I'm sorry, I'm in a relationship so I'm not allowed to talk to you". So the condition of getting in a relationship is that you lose all friends and acquaintances of the opposite sex... and you can see how that could get problematic (not to mention silly) in a lot of practical settings.

Guys are occasionally going to try with women in relationships (knowingly or not - and I can also argue that women will do that too with guys in relationships). It's what your partner does in response to that - and that requires a lot of trust to know that your partner will maintain the boundaries of the relationship. If they don't, there's a potential issue in the relationship you haven't found yet - which doesn't necessarily say anything about you or your partner as people.

I never said that the OP should give up her male friends who circle around her for attention or whatever. I know women who keep men around them because like the poster CollinW pointed out, there are some women who siphon their self-esteem from external sources like male attention. I have seen this phenomenon with my own eyes in college and beyond that with various women acquaintances and friends, who use men for attention and intentionally blur the boundaries with their male “friends” because they need their male friends for attention or validation. 

I see the OP following that pattern - blurring the lines of very clear boundaries with her male friends and there’s only two reasons women do that: for attention only because they have low self esteem, or because they want to cheat on their partner, who they view as a place holder, until they can get somebody new.

When you have terrible boundaries with the opposite sex, it’s not for healthy reasons at all. It’s because there’s something lacking in you, that you feel the opposite sex will give to you, that is actually your responsibility to give to yourself. The OP can have male friends. But the way she manages these male friendships and the way she manages her exes who pop back into her life, has caused problems with her current boyfriend that are both in her control, and out of her control (who her boyfriend is, based on the baggage that he brings into this relationship).  

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, angelfire138 said:

.My BF thought I had been in contact with this guy the whole time. I hadn’t spoken to him in 2 years, and showed him the call logs. 

How long have you been dating?

Sorry to say but your BF sounds excessively controlling and possessive.

You shouldn't be giving anyone access to your phone. Surely you can handle your own past and your own boundaries?

Reconsider this relationship. 

[healing light]

14 hours ago, angelfire138 said:

He also said he now knows I have the capability to lie and act shady. I TOLD him I deleted those texts and also why I lied, because I didn’t want to face his wrath and have him storm out on me again.

I have only read your initial post. You are walking on eggshells with your overly insecure, super possessive, and emotionally abusive boyfriend who feels like he has free reign to go through your phone and berate you for your perceived crimes. No amount of reassurance will shift your boyfriend's mindset--it's his pathology, not yours--but since you know on some level the mountain of fit throwing he is willing to engage in if he "catches" you acting like a normal human, being the recipient of random messages, you know there will be hell to pay regardless of whether you tell him the truth. 

 

Get rid of him.

[healing light]

10 hours ago, Watercolors said:

People don’t snoop and act the way your boyfriend does, unless given a reason to.

Not true. I've known a couple of ultra insecure, possessive people (incidentally, cheaters) who did this to their partners when their partner had zero dating experience before them--one of them even had his first kiss, virginity, etc. taken from him by the snoopy partner. Pathological, insecure people exist who think they are entitled to snoop because they themselves are untrustworthy and have a cheater mentality. So they project the way they think onto their partner and subsequently can't trust them no matter how snow white they are.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, Watercolors said:

People don’t snoop and act the way your boyfriend does, unless given a reason to.

You are so, so wrong about this. 

There are indeed people out there who are overly paranoid, possessive and jealous and will manufacture stories of deceit where none actually exist. I've been on the other side of it, and did nothing to deserve it. 

It appears that you (fortunately) don't have any first-hand experience with people like this, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. Many of us can speak from experience to the contrary.  

[deepthinking]

"I guess I saw nothing wrong with having guy friends" 

But he does.   Two attractive people will get it on sooner or later;  when opposite sex people insist they are just friends there remains the possibility that the platonic thing will not last and that lust will rev up. So your boyfriend is right and  I can see he would be bothered when some would not, but what happens next depends on who you love the most.

Edited January 5, 2021 by deepthinking

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, deepthinking said:

"I guess I saw nothing wrong with having guy friends" 

But he does. 

I can see he would be bothered when some would not, but what happens next depends on who you love the most.

OP, don’t let this man isolate you from family and friends. That’s the bottom line - it is possible to have friends, even guy friends, as long as YOU maintain healthy boundaries with them. IF you are doing that, and he STILL has a problem - then THAT is a problem. And, it’s HIS problem. 

A partner who loves you would want you to have other relationships, with friends and family. As has been said, where it becomes a problem is when you are not maintaining boundaries with others - particularly if they are male. Respect goes both ways - you want him to respect you and your friendships, then you need to be respectful of your partner and maintain healthy boundaries in all relationships. 

That said, there is little doubt in my mind that he has crossed the line here. IF you are flirting with other men and talking with ex’s (and I’m not saying you are doing this), he has the right to end the relationship - NOT to yell at you, call you names, and demand that you isolate yourself from others and tell him where you are and who you are with at all times. That is controlling and abusive behavior, and I would have no part of it. 

[angelfire138]

Woah, that’s a lot of responses overnight...thank you all for reading through and for your thoughts and advice, even if you disagreed with my actions. 

If I could just clear up and elaborate on a few things...

As far as my BF, he’s admitted that he has a short temper and is high-strung, and he is working on it. Unfortunately I have also seen him snap at and yell at family and friends. He won’t see a counselor as he feels like it won’t help him. But, I am seeing a therapist (virtually, but still) to address my own issues. He also knows he has trust and insecurity issues from his past and also an ex-girlfriend being shady and she wound up cheating on him.

Yes, I agree that I used to enjoy male attention and I definitely stayed friends with guys I probably shouldn’t have, even knowing that their friendship wasn’t genuine. But I owned up to that with my boyfriend and cut those people out of my life. Prior to cutting them out, I barely spoke with them since the pandemic started, but I still kept them around, so I suppose that was saying a lot. 
 

Now he is accusing me of having separate emails to talk to other guys. I had told him early on that I had my personal email, a work email, and a separate email just for writing related stuff (I’m trying to get published). When he looked through my phone he didn’t see my personal email and is now saying I’m being shady again. And he forgot, he’s emailed me on my personal email before. I’m getting fed up with this.

[Watercolors]

6 minutes ago, angelfire138 said:

Woah, that’s a lot of responses overnight...thank you all for reading through and for your thoughts and advice, even if you disagreed with my actions. 

If I could just clear up and elaborate on a few things...

As far as my BF, he’s admitted that he has a short temper and is high-strung, and he is working on it. Unfortunately I have also seen him snap at and yell at family and friends. He won’t see a counselor as he feels like it won’t help him. But, I am seeing a therapist (virtually, but still) to address my own issues. He also knows he has trust and insecurity issues from his past and also an ex-girlfriend being shady and she wound up cheating on him.

Yes, I agree that I used to enjoy male attention and I definitely stayed friends with guys I probably shouldn’t have, even knowing that their friendship wasn’t genuine. But I owned up to that with my boyfriend and cut those people out of my life. Prior to cutting them out, I barely spoke with them since the pandemic started, but I still kept them around, so I suppose that was saying a lot. 
 

Now he is accusing me of having separate emails to talk to other guys. I had told him early on that I had my personal email, a work email, and a separate email just for writing related stuff (I’m trying to get published). When he looked through my phone he didn’t see my personal email and is now saying I’m being shady again. And he forgot, he’s emailed me on my personal email before. I’m getting fed up with this.

So, your boyfriend has a hair-trigger temper with everyone in his life, and he won’t see a therapist about it because he doesn’t think that a counselor can help him improve his communication skills? And he’s 30 years old, and you’re 35 years old, correct? 

Well, at least you are seeing a therapist (virtually, due to the pandemic) about your own issues with setting boundaries etc. so that shows you are willing to try to improve yourself. 

But you didn’t cut all of your male friends from your life. I am sorry I was harsh with you, but I know women like you, who keep their various male friends around as sources of attention for them, when they feel they need it. It stems from a deep insecurity about themselves. There was this one woman I knew, who was able to manipulate the men around her with just a few words or a silent glance. They knew that she would never “be” with them, yet they loved it when she fawned all over them, or let them massage her shoulders, or whatever. It was revolting to watch as a woman, because it was so blatantly obvious she was using her physical appearance to manipulate these male friends, and they were willing participants because they loved the attention she gave them (which was disingenuous b/c it served a purpose for her own insecure ego). 

I just find it hard to believe that your boyfriend is the antagonist here and that your not responsible for misconstruing your relationships with your male friends, which you admitted that you did, in your OP, when you got drunk and lied to your boyfriend about a text or voicemail from a mail friend. You’re 35 years old. Why are you acting that way? That’s very childish. Don’t you agree? 

Because, your actions with your trigger-temper boyfriend are akin to throwing gasoline on a fire, and you’re refusing to admit you threw the gasoline to begin with. You are the arson of your own relationship that is going down in flames. You are responsible for your actions with your boyfriend, yet you are refusing to change, so that you can get a different outcome. You can’t change your boyfriend. No one can make another person change for them, even if threats or ultimatums are used. People only change if they want to. Your boyfriend has told you that he won’t change. 

I don’t know if he is a 30 year old insecure, controlling, emotionally abusive boyfriend. Maybe he is. If he is, then why are you with someone like that? Why do you think he’s the best you can do for a boyfriend? What about setting boundaries with him. That takes repetitive requests, and consistent actions. It generally pisses off the boundary invader at first, for a while, until the boundary invader realizes that the boundaries they had been given permission to cross before, are no longer available to them. As a result, their antagonistic behavior will either end and they’ll leave willingly, or they will transition their emotional abuse to physical abuse and commit violence against the boundary setter. 

What do you want from your boyfriend. What do you think will happen if you stay with him. Will you ever be able to create clear boundaries with boyfriends and male friends? 

[angelfire138]

15 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

So, your boyfriend has a hair-trigger temper with everyone in his life, and he won’t see a therapist about it because he doesn’t think that a counselor can help him improve his communication skills? And he’s 30 years old, and you’re 35 years old, correct? 

Well, at least you are seeing a therapist (virtually, due to the pandemic) about your own issues with setting boundaries etc. so that shows you are willing to try to improve yourself. 

But you didn’t cut all of your male friends from your life. I am sorry I was harsh with you, but I know women like you, who keep their various male friends around as sources of attention for them, when they feel they need it. It stems from a deep insecurity about themselves. There was this one woman I knew, who was able to manipulate the men around her with just a few words or a silent glance. They knew that she would never “be” with them, yet they loved it when she fawned all over them, or let them massage her shoulders, or whatever. It was revolting to watch as a woman, because it was so blatantly obvious she was using her physical appearance to manipulate these male friends, and they were willing participants because they loved the attention she gave them (which was disingenuous b/c it served a purpose for her own insecure ego). 

I just find it hard to believe that your boyfriend is the antagonist here and that your not responsible for misconstruing your relationships with your male friends, which you admitted that you did, in your OP, when you got drunk and lied to your boyfriend about a text or voicemail from a mail friend. You’re 35 years old. Why are you acting that way? That’s very childish. Don’t you agree? 

Because, your actions with your trigger-temper boyfriend are akin to throwing gasoline on a fire, and you’re refusing to admit you threw the gasoline to begin with. You are the arson of your own relationship that is going down in flames. You are responsible for your actions with your boyfriend, yet you are refusing to change, so that you can get a different outcome. You can’t change your boyfriend. No one can make another person change for them, even if threats or ultimatums are used. People only change if they want to. Your boyfriend has told you that he won’t change. 

I don’t know if he is a 30 year old insecure, controlling, emotionally abusive boyfriend. Maybe he is. If he is, then why are you with someone like that? Why do you think he’s the best you can do for a boyfriend? What about setting boundaries with him. That takes repetitive requests, and consistent actions. It generally pisses off the boundary invader at first, for a while, until the boundary invader realizes that the boundaries they had been given permission to cross before, are no longer available to them. As a result, their antagonistic behavior will either end and they’ll leave willingly, or they will transition their emotional abuse to physical abuse and commit violence against the boundary setter. 

What do you want from your boyfriend. What do you think will happen if you stay with him. Will you ever be able to create clear boundaries with boyfriends and male friends? 

Fair enough. I actually did get rid of all my male “friends”, even if I barely spoke to them. I thought about this and there really isn’t any point to having them around, and I have enough female / gay male friends and family. I won’t miss them and doubt they will miss me. 

Did I like the male attention in the past? Sure I did. But it’s not worth losing my boyfriend over and I can get my validation from my friends/family and from my outside achievements and job. 

Boyfriend was never clear about his boundaries before until now. I know he has stopped talking to the majority of women in his life pre-me, and now only talks to his family and friends’ partners/wives, and only in group chats with the latter, in terms of women. 

I did have to set boundaries with him regarding his behavior, and even though it still happens, he’s been better about controlling it (well, except when this happened. But I’d be furious too). 

Unfortunately I know all to well the type of woman you’re referring to...I know plenty of women (and men) who thrive off attention of the opposite sex and need constant outside validation. I used to be like that, until I learned that validation can only come from within. 

[Watercolors]

29 minutes ago, angelfire138 said:

Fair enough. I actually did get rid of all my male “friends”, even if I barely spoke to them. I thought about this and there really isn’t any point to having them around, and I have enough female / gay male friends and family. I won’t miss them and doubt they will miss me. 

Did I like the male attention in the past? Sure I did. But it’s not worth losing my boyfriend over and I can get my validation from my friends/family and from my outside achievements and job. 

Boyfriend was never clear about his boundaries before until now. I know he has stopped talking to the majority of women in his life pre-me, and now only talks to his family and friends’ partners/wives, and only in group chats with the latter, in terms of women. 

I did have to set boundaries with him regarding his behavior, and even though it still happens, he’s been better about controlling it (well, except when this happened. But I’d be furious too). 

Unfortunately I know all to well the type of woman you’re referring to...I know plenty of women (and men) who thrive off attention of the opposite sex and need constant outside validation. I used to be like that, until I learned that validation can only come from within. 

I’m glad to read that you discovered that you don’t need your male friend’s attention to validate how you feel about yourself. And, that you recognized you were doing that with yourself, as you recgonize that pattern in the other women you know in your life. That woman I referenced in my previous post has 5,000 FB friends and is a life coach. Can you see the irony? She peddles her faux “love everyone” philosophy to further her own agenda; not actually because she genuinely likes people for who they are. She likes to manage people to fit her own agenda. But I digress as my own rant about her is for another thread. But glad to know you understand that type of person. 

So what have you decided about your relationship status. Will you stay with your boyfriend or is his trigger temper enough reason for you to breakup with him, so that you can be with a man who doesn’t yell and scream at you and snoop through your phone. Relationships are a work in progress. But some relationships are not fixable. Where does your relationship fall? 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, angelfire138 said:

Now he is accusing me of having separate emails to talk to other guys. I had told him early on that I had my personal email, a work email, and a separate email just for writing related stuff (I’m trying to get published). When he looked through my phone he didn’t see my personal email and is now saying I’m being shady again. And he forgot, he’s emailed me on my personal email before. I’m getting fed up with this.

And so you should. This is not acceptable behavior for anyone in a relationship. He is policing your every move and he has no reason or right to do that - your personal communications should be private. Full stop. 

If this guy has a problem with anger, I would be developing a safe and secure exit strategy. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she ends a relationship. I would not tell him it’s over until you are packed and gone, and I would have someone else present for your own safety. 

Edited January 5, 2021 by BaileyB

[JRabbit]

19 hours ago, snowboy91 said:

Honestly, IMO this all sounds kind of ridiculous. The way most of the comments so far are coming across, it's as if OP is never allowed to receive any form of contact from any other male ever again, regardless of whether there has been an existing friendship group where the situation was most likely platonic.

She has no control over what these friends (or exes) say or do, what matters is her actions toward them. And if I were her partner, I would see absolutely nothing wrong with the actions she's taken. I mean, she blocked the ex, and this guy Joe literally just messaged the group. The wrong name thing isn't great, but I'd call it an embarrassing once-off if she is known to have such "brain farts".

Agree completely!

I mean, it sounds to me like OP did all the right things, and rightly knew her bf would go postal if he saw someone had called her or left a message.  That fact alone can give you a hint to the OPs Bfs regular behavior towards her.

Doesn't take a detective to see he is completely controlling and using anything he can to destroy her self worth.

[JRabbit]

1 hour ago, angelfire138 said:

He won’t see a counselor as he feels like it won’t help him.

Big red flag here, too.

[elaine567]

If you wish to pursue a writing career then horror of horrors some of the people you will have to communicate with will be guys.
Having an overly jealous bf on a hair trigger will stifle your career and creativity.
How can you build networks and develop a fan base with Mr Controlling monitoring your every move?
Get rid before you live to regret it.

Edited January 5, 2021 by elaine567

[Calmandfocused]

Oh no Op! I’m reading this thread in abject horror! 

So you think this man is prize do you? He’s so so special that you will do anything to please him will you? Including; losing your friends, dismissing his bad behaviour, accepting abusive behaviour and and losing yourself to him completely? 
 

Wow! He must be amazing .... 

Look; lying is my biggest bug bear. I hate it and when I find out someone has lied to me, I am upset, disappointed and angry. But would I lie myself if I knew I could successfully avoid an episode of abuse? You betcha! 100% and absolutely! Self protection/ preservation trumps overall. 
 

With that temper it could have easily escalated into him becoming physically violent. I therefore don’t blame you for lying, it’s not worth the risk. 
 

Stop trying to find ways to keep him. His behaviour is bang out of order. The triggers you describe to his behaviour are ridiculous but they always are when it comes to abusive men. 
 

FWIW I have 2 children of the same gender. There is a not a week that goes by without me addressing one of my children by the wrong name. Wrong names slip out. It happens. My children do not punish me for it.