BF doesn't trust me anymore

[angelfire138]

Happy new year all

I posted back in the summer about some issues I was having with my boyfriend, and we’ve since worked through those issues and things have been better overall since then, with a few hiccups, up until about a month ago.

Will be a bit long, but thanks in advance for reading through and I wanted to give adequate background info. 

A few things have happened since then and  now he says that he no longer trusts me.

—A guy I went on a few dates with 2 years ago, and subsequently blocked, called me out of the blue on a new number (I picked up because I didn’t know who it was). I had to ask 3 times who it was and then asked him to not call me again, and blocked his new #. My BF thought I had been in contact with this guy the whole time. I hadn’t spoken to him in 2 years, and showed him the call logs. 
 

—I accidentally called him my ex (from 10 years ago!) name twice...once when I was telling him a story and once when we were arguing. I wasn’t thinking of my ex and hadn’t spoken to him in 10 years. Unfortunately their names start with the same letter and the same length, and I had a brain fart. I apologized profusely and showed him that I am not in contact with my ex at all. I’m very embarrassed this happened and have no idea where it came from. I told him I forget people’s names entirely or mix them up whenever I’m stressed or under pressure, but he was still really pissed and wouldn’t let it go for awhile.
 

—Last, and I’m not proud of this, but I lied to him. Here’s what happened: On NYE, a distant male friend texted IN OUR GROUP chat wishing everyone a happy new year. BF saw the text, pulled me aside, and demanded to know who this guy was that was texting me. Again, he didn’t believe that I wasn’t talking to this guy (we all hang out in the same friend group, and there were 3 other people in the chat), so I gave him my phone to prove it to him.

Well, after going through my phone, he dug out a voicemail that another friend (we’ll call him Joe) from that group left me, simply wishing me a happy new year and saying it’d been a long time since we last talked, and let’s all hang out soon.

Admittedly, I had deleted Joe’s texts and missed call and VM, because the last time we spoke, he admitted to being attracted to me, despite knowing that I had a boyfriend. I just didn’t block him at that time, but meant to later that day. I also knew if my BF saw them, he would throw a fit and wouldn’t believe me when I said I didn’t provoke it, other than being nice and friendly. 

At the time, defensive and drunk, I lied and said I was just clearing out my call logs and voicemails. Later, when he said I wasn’t telling him everything, I fessed up. I know I should not have lied but I just didn’t want to start another argument with him and thought I could make Joe go away on my own. Poor excuse, but that was my reasoning. BF also says I never told him about Joe, and I know I have brought him up several times and wanted us to all hang out, but it just didn’t happen.

Understandably, he got upset, screamed at me and called me all sorts of names, and asked why I feel the need to talk to other men. I said they were my friends for a long time, and we spoke less than once a month, and always just catching up, including Joe. 
 

Now, I understand that all those things might make me look untrustworthy, but I’ve done my best to show him that I do love him and there’s never been, or will be anybody else. Plus, I spend 90% of my time with him, and when I don’t, I’m at work or physical therapy or with my family. Now, he goes between acting normal and loving, to being sad, and he still explodes at me from time to time because I lied. He keeps telling me he can’t believe anything I say anymore because I’m a liar. He also said he now knows I have the capability to lie and act shady. I TOLD him I deleted those texts and also why I lied, because I didn’t want to face his wrath and have him storm out on me again. I have never lied to him otherwise but he insists he’s “caught me” in multiple lies. 

How can I earn his trust back? I know it takes time and effort and consistency. I have apologized and explained, and of course, blocked and deleted Joe.
 

If you read through all this, THANK YOU and also for any advice you can give. Happy Monday! 

Edited January 4, 2021 by angelfire138

[Miss Spider]

Hi. I don’t know if you can. The trust here is broken and that’s difficult if not impossible to get back if you ever had it at all. It all sounds very messy. Honestly, you don’t do yourself much favors. It does seem like you may have trouble with boundaries a bit. Maybe I am incorrect on that one but calling your ex 2x and deleting the other guys voicemails/texts  and lying about it, is pretty sketch behavior just from an outside perspective. The normal response would have been to tell him that you have a boyfriend and delete them  and just be honest with your boyfriend about it.  That you say you did things because you were afraid of his “wrath” just solidifies that this is probably ‘unhealthy’ on all fronts. Probably not what you wanna hear,  but that is my two cents. 

Edited January 4, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[angelfire138]

11 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Hi. I don’t know if you can. The trust here is broken and that’s difficult if not impossible to get back if you ever had it at all. It all sounds very messy. Honestly, you don’t do yourself much favors. It does seem like you may have trouble with boundaries a bit. Maybe I am incorrect on that one but calling your ex 2x and deleting the other guys voicemails/texts  and lying about it, is pretty sketch behavior just from an outside perspective. The normal response would have been to tell him that you have a boyfriend and delete them  and just be honest with your boyfriend about it.  That you say you did things because you were afraid of his “wrath” just solidifies that this is probably ‘unhealthy’ on all fronts. Probably not what you wanna hear,  but that is my two cents. 

Thanks for your response. He wants to work through it and I’ve made the commitment to show him that it will never happen again.

I admit that I did have boundary issues but I guess I saw nothing wrong with having guy friends, and we were not close. I cut off Joe once he mentioned he liked me. 

Just to be clear, and I don’t know if this matters, but I never called my ex. Just accidentally slipped and called my bf his name. 

[Miss Spider]

Sorry that I misread. All you can do is move forward and learn from any mistakes. Hopefully you can slowly gain back his trust. However, even if you overcome boundary issues that you may or may not have, he might still have trust issues. It sounds like he does. His behavior seems pretty extreme/controlling. Sometimes it is never enough. I hope you guys can overcome this. 

Edited January 4, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[smackie9]

Girl it's been months, and nothing with him has ever changed. You are fighting a never ending current, with him beating your fingers as you hang onto a branch. His behavior is now making you behave poorly in order to protect yourself.... it's the viscous circle of abuse. I have been there. You will always be blamed even if you :stop talking to all men, stop talking to any of your friends, stop having a social life, and if you throw your phone away...he will always never ever trust you. You never said any thing about him getting professional help, like medication or counseling....he sure needs it. This is so unhealthy..you are constantly looking over your shoulder, walking on eggshells, cringe when you get a text as he grabs the phone from your hand....egad no man is worth this $%^&. Everyone that answered your last thread, I'm sure they stand by the advice they gave last time...get out now!  If you stay with him, you will find yourself with PTSD. I have a coworker that has/had a husband that was just as paranoid as your BF...she is so emotionally beat down, she cries at the drop of a hat, thinks people are picking on her, etc She is so emotionally messed up...But finally she is signing the divorce papers today, a step in the right direction.

Edited January 4, 2021 by smackie9

[Miss Spider]

15 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Girl it's been months, and nothing with him has ever changed. You are fighting a never ending current, with him beating your fingers as you hang onto a branch. His behavior is now making you behave poorly in order to protect yourself.... it's the viscous circle of abuse. I have been there. You will always be blamed even if you :stop talking to all men, stop talking to any of your friends, stop having a social life, and if you throw your phone away...he will always never ever trust you. You never said any thing about him getting professional help, like medication or counseling....he sure needs it. This is so unhealthy..you are constantly looking over your shoulder, walking on eggshells, cringe when you get a text as he grabs the phone from your hand....egad no man is worth this $%^&. Everyone that answered your last thread, I'm sure they stand by the advice they gave last time...get out now!  If you stay with him, you will find yourself with PTSD. I have a coworker that has/had a husband that was just as paranoid as your BF...she is so emotionally beat down, she cries at the drop of a hat, thinks people are picking on her, etc She is so emotionally messed up...But finally she is signing the divorce papers today, a step in the right direction.

 After reading the backstory and more posts  to get more information about your relationship, I definitely agree with this. I think maybe it’s not you at all and you never had his trust.You didn’t lose anything. He is self-admittedly insecure and constant blaming you for that..It will never be enough. Get out.

Edited January 4, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Lotsgoingon]

You cannot convince an abusing, controlling person to trust you. They don't want to trust you. Their goal is to get you questioning yourself so that they can treat you horribly and go sleep with other people at the same time. 

You're not a kid. And stop letting him look at your phone.  Either he trusts you or he doesn't. If he doesn't, he should walk. Instead he's staying and picking on you.

I'm going to be brutal with you and I know this won't feel good to hear, it will even sound crazy and wild.

I can almost guarantee that this guy has recently had a fling with a woman behind your back. In fact, he's acting so controlling that I would say that he's had multiple flings behind your back. And yes, recently. The cheating is probably ongoing.   

What happens is a guy like this cheats on you and feels a little weird.  And then it dawns on him that if he can cheat, so could you! And then instead of dealing with his own feelings, he turns his insecurity towards you, being critical of you. You're so into defending yourself that you don't have the energy to suspect and notice that he's been cheating on you!

Do not stay in a relationship when someone calls you a "liar." Sure, you lied. You hid something from him. But he has no business hitting you with all those questions in the first place, no business insisting on free access to your phone. This is classic abuser behavior. If he's got you accepting it's OK for him to call you a "liar" then he's got you right where he wants. With you feeling insecure, with you now focused on pleasing him and winning his trust (no such thing), he can do horrible stuff and you won't question him.  He's going to be cheating away and he may escalate to physical abuse. (I certainly hope not--but he's setting you up for that.)

There is no way this is the first time he's been unreasonable and controlling. No way. Care to share previous examples of this behavior? Sharing will help you see this is not only "one" issue between you and him. This is a pattern. So there is no way to win his trust. You will need to dump this guy.  

Edited January 4, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, angelfire138 said:

Now, I understand that all those things might make me look untrustworthy, but I’ve done my best to show him that I do love him and there’s never been, or will be anybody else. Plus, I spend 90% of my time with him, and when I don’t, I’m at work or physical therapy or with my family. 

Why are you jumping through hoops trying to make this jealous and insecure man feel secure? If you find the need to do this, you are not in a healthy relationship.

Quote

Understandably, he got upset, screamed at me and called me all sorts of names, and asked why I feel the need to talk to other men. 

I don’t date irrationally jealous and insecure men, nor do I date men who scream at me and call me names. Full stop. 

Quote

How can I earn his trust back?

You don’t. You shouldn’t have to... you have done nothing to cause this man not to trust you.

 

Edited January 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

Your boyfriend is controlling, insecure and "throws fits" over ridiculous things.  This guy deserves to get dumped.  You shouldn't be walking on eggshells because of his issues.  It's baffling why you are putting up with this.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, angelfire138 said:

How can I earn his trust get my self -esteem back?

There, I fixed it for you. 

Answer: Dump this jerk. 

[DKT3]

Easy to say this is a result of an insecure guy...having read most of her threads here, its much deeper then that. FOO issues have conditioned her to be secretive,  so SHE,  has made what are otherwise innocent issues seem more suspicious then they should be.

[Watercolors]

OP,  none of this is your boyfriend’s doing or his fault. You get drunk, you lie to him about these guys you are “friends” with.You even lie to him when you’re sober. If I were your boyfriend, I wouldn’t trust you as far as I can throw you. And in this thread I don’t see you taking any responsibility for your terribly immature behavior. You create a toxic environment for your boyfriend with your deceit, the way you undermine him when he has legitimate concern and questions that he asks you, the way you dismiss his feelings and avoid telling him the truth. 

You and he are not compatible. You don’t respect him or his feelings, and you invalidate any good that there is between you two, with your drunken behavior and your lying. Please, dump your poor boyfriend. You don’t deserve him. He can do way better. I’m sorry to say. You are too immature and too focused on yourself to care about another person in a relationship. And until you learn that you have to tell the truth, have to compromise, and do the work to maintain trust in a relationship, you should not be in this or any relationship with a guy. 

[CollinW]

I'm going to be honest. After decades of reading posts like these I feel I know when a story is being told not to portray what happened from a non biased pov but to put the reader on her side. I feel like this is one of those stories that's blurring the actions on your behalf and emphasizing his actions. 

Regardless relationships don't work when you have a partner actively trying to find things to be mad about. Two people don't belong together if the only way fidelity and honestly is happening is when one partner is enforcing it on the other. You don't want a man who only doesn't cheat on you when the opportunity doesn't present itself so you spend all your energy preventing it from happening. You want a man who is morally against cheating. 

You need to assess your own actions and decide whether his paranoia is justified and his reactions are reasonably from a non biased mindset. Then you need to tell him there will be no more looking through phones, no more justifying texts and calls, no more blow ups or arguing. Either he trusts you or you two move on. Because honestly if your actions are shady, then I doubt it's worth it to you to have your cake and eat it too at the expense of your peace.

From here it does seem like you enjoy the attention from men. 

[Stret]

I really don't think you did anything wrong. I think he is a way too insecure and it is killing your relationship. Most of men I've been with wouldn't give a second thought to any of the situations you described. Having said that you shouldn't have lied... BUT I completely understand why you did so seeing that he reacts in such dramatic way and having drama all the time over absolutely nothing can really force a person to try and hide the things that might trigger him. Strange to say especially from someone who respects honesty and truth, but your single instance of lying is more his fault than yours. I think the problem is entirely in him. He cannot accept that there are other men on the planet, even reacts to you watching the TV when men are not wearing shirts in the reality show. I feel sorry for the guy, it is tough to be like that,  but you cannot help him and cannot do anything about his problem - and it is HIS problem to solve, not yours. Do not become codependent. He needs to try and get some therapy as I think it might help him and consequently it might help your relationship to survive. The way it is going it is not going to last. 

He couldn't trust his parents to love him and not leave him, and it is deep rooted problem. From personal experience, I can suggest meditation and hypnotherapy, several sessions can exchange the years of traditional talk therapy. Not sure how open he would be to something like that. 

BTW, I accidentally called my ex BF names of other men I was with before him, and it didn't mean anything at all. Sometimes I would either see them in the sports club and chat with them informally for a few minutes, other times it was that I had thought of something (people have memory, you know) but not in any romantic way. Maybe I even thought of them in a bad way. I loved my BF at the time, and my exes were not important to me in any way... their names still somehow slipped.

[Watercolors]

8 minutes ago, CollinW said:

I'm going to be honest. After decades of reading posts like these I feel I know when a story is being told not to portray what happened from a non biased pov but to put the reader on her side. I feel like this is one of those stories that's blurring the actions on your behalf and emphasizing his actions. 

Regardless relationships don't work when you have a partner actively trying to find things to be mad about. Two people don't belong together if the only way fidelity and honestly is happening is when one partner is enforcing it on the other. You don't want a man who only doesn't cheat on you when the opportunity doesn't present itself so you spend all your energy preventing it from happening. You want a man who is morally against cheating. 

You need to assess your own actions and decide whether his paranoia is justified and his reactions are reasonably from a non biased mindset. Then you need to tell him there will be no more looking through phones, no more justifying texts and calls, no more blow ups or arguing. Either he trusts you or you two move on. Because honestly if your actions are shady, then I doubt it's worth it to you to have your cake and eat it too at the expense of your peace.

From here it does seem like you enjoy the attention from men. 

+1. We only have the OP’s POV and it comes across very one-sided. She paints her boyfriend as some kind of morality police, when the reality is probably closer to the truth that the OP constantly lies to her boyfriend about all of these men in her life and their role.

I get the feeling that the OP flaunts these male friendships as “more than” with her boyfriend, to make him jealous to some degree. Because she likes the attention from them. And, when her boyfriend snoops on her phone to ask her why she’s sending flirty texts with these guys, is exactly what she wants, so that she justify her desirability to all of these guys in her life. 

OP, your actions are dubious if your boyfriend is checking your cellphone and constantly asking you about what your intention is, with all of these guys in your life. People don’t snoop and act the way your boyfriend does, unless given a reason to. When I suspected that a former boyfriend was cheating on me, yes, I snooped on his phone, b/c asking him directly “Are you cheating on me?” Resulted in him lying to me that he wasn’t. But his cellphone provided me with text messages as evidence of his cheating. 

If you want your boyfriend to respect you, you need to respect him and stop playing these games with him. 

[Lotsgoingon]

We are getting one person's perspective, but the OP is feeling guilty, asking how she can win the other person's trust. If she were presenting a really unbalanced view of the relationship, she wouldn't be on here asking what SHE can do differently.

There is not a critical word in the OP's post about the bf. Not one. She blames herself--entirely. She's asking us for advice on how she can please him. So the idea that she's being unfair in her story about the bf strikes me as preposterous.  She's far too uncritical of her bf--that's the problem. 

Edited January 4, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Watercolors]

25 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

We are getting one person's perspective, but the OP is feeling guilty, asking how she can win the other person's trust. If she were presenting a really unbalanced view of the relationship, she wouldn't be on here asking what SHE can do differently.

There is not a critical word in the OP's post about the bf. Not one. She blames herself--entirely. She's asking us for advice on how she can please him. So the idea that she's being unfair in her story about the bf strikes me as preposterous.  She's far too uncritical of her bf--that's the problem. 

I find her asking for advice on how to regain her boyfriend’s trust rather disingenuous, since she’s the one who is creating the circumstances for her boyfriend, with her behavior, that makes him wonder what the heck she’s doing with these so-called “guy friends.” If she was more respectful of his feelings (not lying to her boyfriend constantly about all of these guys in her life) then he probably wouldn’t be wondering what she’s doing when she’s not with him. 

I can totally see this from the OP boyfriend’s point of view and I can totally empathize with him. The OP admits to lying to her boyfriend constantly about text messages and voicemails and her actions and behavior with all of these guys in her life.

So, my advice to the OP is: stop lying to your boyfriend, which is creating distrust on his part. Stop lying to him. Stop making mountains out of mow hills for his attention b/c that is what the OP is doing. She’s creating fake drama around her text messages and voicemails, in order to get her boyfriend’s attention. That’s the game playing part that I see happening here.

I knew girls who did what the OP is doing, in college. They would create drama around the guy friends or their ex-boyfriends in their life with a new boyfriend, in order to make themselves seem more desirable. All this would do is backfire on these girls, b/c their boyfriends would become paranoid, accuse them of cheating on them, and they would become jealous and insecure as a result of the game playing by these girls. I see that same pattern here, the OP describes inciting fights with her boyfriend over otherwise normal text messages or voicemails from her “guy friends” b/c she wants attention. 

If the OP will stop playing these games with her boyfriend for attention, and start acting more mature (not getting drunk and lying to him, for one thing, that has to stop), then she can try to rebuild her trust with her boyfriend. 

Edited January 4, 2021 by Watercolors

[Lotsgoingon]

The OP lies by omission and over nothing. In other words, if she told the truth, this guy would be furious. 

This is where we disagree Water Colors. My strong sense is that this guy isn't interested in her relationships with past guys. He's interested in making the OP feel bad. If he's bothered by her previous relationships, he could walk. He's not. He just wants to control her and get her on the defensive. He's calling her a "liar" and staying in the relationship because calling her a name gets him power, gets her feeling bad. I see this as classic steps to exploit someone. 

I assume any woman I date will have guy friends who may text her. I'm not going to be asking for her phone and then going through deleted messages and all of that. 

The OP seems pretty detailed and straight-forward here--it's her man who's acting paranoid:

—A guy I went on a few dates with 2 years ago, and subsequently blocked, called me out of the blue on a new number (I picked up because I didn’t know who it was). I had to ask 3 times who it was and then asked him to not call me again, and blocked his new #. My BF thought I had been in contact with this guy the whole time. I hadn’t spoken to him in 2 years, and showed him the call logs. 

[Andy_K]

This has train wreck written all over it.

I've little patience for angry, immature, or insecure people, so in your position my response would be along the lines of

"You can either trust me, or get lost. And if you so much as raise your voice at me again, we're done"

[poppyfields]

OP, your boyfriend is emotionally unbalanced, period.  I really don't care what you have done, or what he has done, the calling of names and false accusations presented here are simply not acceptable under any circumstances, and if me, the SECOND he started in with that ****, immediate dump.  Done, next

From my perspective, it can go nowhere from there except down and MORE toxic.  

That said, the dynamic you both have created is unbelievably toxic and dysfunctional.  No woman should have to hide or delete text messages from male friends to avoid her boyfriend becoming so insecure that he becomes unhinged and starts calling names and making unfounded accusations.

I am a bit shocked that anyone would defend him. I am not suggesting you were a perfect angel, you deleted messages and lied, but I understand why you did.  

Men lie too when confronted by insecure unbalanced girlfriends who toss accusations at them and refuse to "allow" them to maintain women friends or go out with their guy friends from time to time.

Insecure, unbalanced behavior is not limited to only men.  Both genders are guilty of this.

With respect to this statement:

>>People don't snoop and act the way your boyfriend does, unless given a reason to.<<

This is categorically false.  People can become insecure, paranoid, unhinged for reasons that have nothing to do with their SO or their actions.   She could be the most loving, devoted girlfriend in the whole world, not talk to any other man, let alone be friends with any men (which is so oppressive, I would not last two seconds with a man like this), and people like her bf would still go off.

 OP, please for the love of all that is good in the world, dump this jackass.  

Edited January 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, Andy_K said:

This has train wreck written all over it.

I've little patience for angry, immature, or insecure people, so in your position my response would be along the lines of

"You can either trust me, or get lost. And if you so much as raise your voice at me again, we're done"

Amen brother!

[CollinW]

27 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

This is where we disagree Water Colors. My strong sense is that this guy isn't interested in her relationships with past guys. He's interested in making the OP feel bad. If he's bothered by her previous relationships, he could walk. He's not. He just wants to control her and get her on the defensive. He's calling her a "liar" and staying in the relationship because calling her a name gets him power, gets her feeling bad. I see this as classic steps to exploit someone. 

The OP seems pretty detailed and straight-forward here--it's her man who's acting paranoid:

—A guy I went on a few dates with 2 years ago, and subsequently blocked, called me out of the blue on a new number (I picked up because I didn’t know who it was). I had to ask 3 times who it was and then asked him to not call me again, and blocked his new #. My BF thought I had been in contact with this guy the whole time. I hadn’t spoken to him in 2 years, and showed him the call logs. 

In the part you quoted, it more than likely this response has come after countless times of dishonesty and secrecy from the OP. Yes, it may been 2 years old but after numerous examples of OP not having boundaries with other men, from his perspective she could have deleted any correspondence between now and then. 

Thats why you have to read between the line which you don't seem to want to do in order to infantilize the OP and demonize the man. 

I'm more than willing accept that both OP is unnecessarily sneaky and the guy is toxic. But this environment seems to be coming from OPs actions unless he was like this before the lying and sneaking began. 

[poppyfields]

All of this begs the question, which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Meaning, was his insecurity, paranoia and controlling actions the reason why she felt the need to hide her male friendships?   For fear of upsetting him, having him fly into a rage, calling names and other nasty behavior?

Or did he become insecure, paranoid, verbally abusive because she's "shady"?

I vote for the former, although it doesn't matter, this relationship is so toxic, it just needs to end. 

[Watercolors]

38 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The OP lies by omission and over nothing. In other words, if she told the truth, this guy would be furious. 

This is where we disagree Water Colors. My strong sense is that this guy isn't interested in her relationships with past guys. He's interested in making the OP feel bad. If he's bothered by her previous relationships, he could walk. He's not. He just wants to control her and get her on the defensive. He's calling her a "liar" and staying in the relationship because calling her a name gets him power, gets her feeling bad. I see this as classic steps to exploit someone. 

I assume any woman I date will have guy friends who may text her. I'm not going to be asking for her phone and then going through deleted messages and all of that. 

The OP seems pretty detailed and straight-forward here--it's her man who's acting paranoid:

—A guy I went on a few dates with 2 years ago, and subsequently blocked, called me out of the blue on a new number (I picked up because I didn’t know who it was). I had to ask 3 times who it was and then asked him to not call me again, and blocked his new #. My BF thought I had been in contact with this guy the whole time. I hadn’t spoken to him in 2 years, and showed him the call logs. 

Lying by omission is still lying. As Shakespeare wrote, “A rose by another name, still smells as sweet.” A rose is a rose. A lie is a lie. Doesn’t matter whether your lie is blatant or by withholding the truth. It’s still a lie. For a 35 year old who is dating a 30 year old guy, she should know better. I highly doubt that he’s this controlling mentally ill guy she portrays here. 

And, I don’t believe the OP’s story about an ex calling her from a new number and her not knowing it as him after the first time. Sorry. I don’t buy it. Not based on her dating history and the way the OP moves men in her life around, like pawns on a chessboard for strategic purposes. The whole situation doesn’t sit right with me. I just don’t believe the OP’s story that she’s the victim here. She created the circumstances for her boyfriend’s distrust. She’s the one constantly lying to her boyfriend and inciting arguments with him, in order to get attention in a very unhealthy way from these men, including her boyfriend. 

OP, have you ever had counseling for this behavior? I think you could benefit from learning how to set healthy boundaries with guys, and stop repeating this destructive pattern of the push-pull with all of these guys, including your boyfriend. 

[Watercolors]

10 minutes ago, CollinW said:

In the part you quoted, it more than likely this response has come after countless times of dishonesty and secrecy from the OP. Yes, it may been 2 years old but after numerous examples of OP not having boundaries with other men, from his perspective she could have deleted any correspondence between now and then. 

Thats why you have to read between the line which you don't seem to want to do in order to infantilize the OP and demonize the man. 

I'm more than willing accept that both OP is unnecessarily sneaky and the guy is toxic. But this environment seems to be coming from OPs actions unless he was like this before the lying and sneaking began. 

Exactly. It wouldn’t take me 3 times to recognize an ex-boyfriend calling me from a new phone number, no matter how long it’s been 2 years or 20 years. And, again, we don’t have the full story here. So it’s hard for ME to believe that the OP’s constantly dishonesty and secrecy didn’t play a part in her boyfriend’s reactions. I just view the poor guy as trying to find out if the OP is cheating on him. I can see why he thinks that she is. She either wants him to think that other men desire her, so that he won’t leave her, or she wants to make him jealous because she doesn’t trust that he really loves her.