He broke up with me after 5 years and I really don't know how to deal with it

[impressclim5102]

Firstly I would like to apologize for my english. I hope you will understand everything clearly and correctly. 

I'm 18 years old girl and I had a relationship (he is 20 now) for a 5 years. We met at BBQ in 2015. We were kids, but we fell in love very deeply. When we started dating we didn't know each other much, so as the time went, we became closer day by day. Now he is the only person that seriously knows me for 100%. He knows more about me as I do lol. From the beginning of our relationship we were spending every possible second together. We were together every day. I've never tought that it'll work out. As we were getting older, we wanted to be "just me and him" so we stopped seeing our "friends". (lately we found out they were fake af, so we were glad that both of us were spending time with the right person) He was and he still is my only REAL friend. Only one person I knew I can trust no matter what. Of course nobody (parents etc.) took it serious as we did. But we were really young, so it was natural I think. After 3 months of us being together I started going to the gym because of him, he was working out since childhood. We started working out together. It was our hobby which became a lifestyle. We are still traning together, competing and supporting each other in powerlifting. So we were ALWAYS and EVERYWHERE together. We had an amazing possibilities for such kids. We were always staying at his house. After a year and half or so I started to staying over night. From that time I can say we practically started living together. Yes, I was about 16. My parents are divorced, so my dad didn't know and my mum, you know I think she was ok with it, because she knew I'm safe. 

Then we went to the same high school, but I'm younger, so I came year later. And here we go
He had a classmate (girl of course) but they knew each other for about 8 years from the primary school (they were classmates too) and I bet she had a crush on him since that time.
He never wanted her, or any other girl, he never gave me a sign or anything I could worry about. So this is the time where I started [messing] everything up. (We were together for 2 years) I was jealous, I hated her, I was aaaalways talking about it, because I felt that something is wrong with her. But HE DIDN'T [redacted] CARE about her or about my [issues]. But I was annoying, always talking about her and blaming him why was he talking to her when he knew that I hated it. I can say all the time he was only interested in me. I really behaved bad, It wasn't his fault how SHE was acting. And if he didn't notice anything, or he really didn't care I should've stopped. This [redacted] took the whole 3 years. And yes, It is all my fault.[redacted]   jealousy ugh. There was another problem, my fault, again. I was always saying "I'm only for your eyes" and I really ment it. But for example I took gauzy leggins to the gym, or I had a bigger neckline top on the wedding (this was his last drop) but I never wanted to some other guys stare at me [redacted]. Really. I'm not like that. I was 100% loyal all the time (and nowadays it's [redacted] rare!). Never never never didn't do anything except these thing I mentioned.  You know, we had absolutely perfect, dreamy, CLEAR relationship. NO lies, NO cheats, NO doubts. From the beginning I knew he MUST BE my right one. He is my only one.... My only once in a lifetime person. But all my mistakes were too heavy. I admit it. But then I stepped aside again. I extremely hurt him. I MADE HIM FEEL UNWANTED. But I didn't want to. I would never ever hurt him knowingly. And then I took him for granted. I TOTALLY [MESSED] UP. After all of this he broke up with me. He just couldn't stand it anymore. We went to a friends wedding. (that wedding I was wearing that stupid body with [redacted]  neckline). Things went bad and he gave a follow (ig) to that [girl] from school. I know it's not a big deal BUT he didn't follow ANY girls for the 5 years. So it was obvious for her that something is going on. I was angry, but I wasn't realising that it was all my fault. Then he texted her. Of course she [redacted]  swallowed the hook. I didn't know what to do. They were texting and texting. You know I convinced him (by talking about her for years) that she wants him, so he started feeling wanted. Then they met, I knew about it, he told me everything. I met with her a day or two later. She told me she never wanted him, he is not her type etc.

It's been over 3 months since then and of us being "apart" and it looks like he doesn't want me back. They are still texting but he told me he would never wanted her, he just feels fine while texting her. Idk. We still live together. He is acting like nothing changed between us. I know he loves me. He wants to be with me. But not in a relationship, because he is afraid that he will feel that pain again. He doesn't believe me, according to him I was lying all the time about how I feel ("didn't want him" ) or that "I'm for your eyes only" I was doing only for him, not for myself.
The truth is I realised everything. I know I messed up. But now I know how lucky I was  (and I am?) that I have such a great boy by my side. I swear to God, I have never ever felt like I didn't want him. But he doesn't believe me. And I wanna be only for his eyes. I've never lied about it even if he thinks I did. I want him back. As my boyfriend. As my future husband. I wanted to be a family with him. He is really my everything. My best friend for life. He is my true love. I feel it, I know it. And I'm sure he knows it as well. I'm totally in love with him and I surely know I will never make him feel the same way I did. I'm so sorry. It really hurts. I just still can't believe we broke up. I just really hope there is some chance he will  want me back. I have never wanted anything more.

I don't even know what advice I want, I think I just needed to tell someone. Nobody knows about us, not even family. He told everything what happend [with that girl]. I totally understand he needed to talk with someone about it, I caused him pain. And it's HER because of me too, so... I haven't told anyone and it feels heavy to carry. 

I love him more than anything. I will wait for him until he is ready, I swear. But I'm afraid he won't be. I'm afraid he won't believe me.

(and that girl knows I'm totally NOT ok with this, but she is texting him anyway, so it feels kinda disrespectfull to me) - and he thinks that she is doing nothing bad to me, because we are not together. She is texting messages like "Could you help me with (anything) I'm home alone" or "I'm alone for 10 days we can talk at my place" "You can help me with working out" and she doesn't even train. I'm pretty desperate. 

UPDATE: I wrote this post a few days ago, now things are changed a bit because he visited her place yesterday. He said they were just talking about some gym stuff, but I think I can't accept this. I was calling him like 10 times and he always hanged up, because he was with her. I'm not talking to him since then and I slept on the couch last night. (I didn't know he was at her place, he wrote me that he went to help her after an hour after he arrived to her). I feel kinda betrayed. 

Please help me, how to deal with it? Should I give it up, let it just be? Or should I try to make him believe me again? To prove him that he can really trust me? Should I stop fighting for our relationship or not?

Edited January 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited to remove or alter inappropriate language

[Wiseman2]

Step back and let him go. Focus on your work/school, sorts, clubs, interests and hobbies.

Re-establish better relationships with both your parents and the rest of your family. Re-establish friendships and make new friends.

Ask your mother to take you to a doctor to confidentiality talk about your moods and get a referral to a therapist for ongoing support to address the underlying insecurities.

Hopefully neither of you are using drugs or steroids. Your post is overpowering with screaming anger and profanity.

Sometimes that can be due to "roid rage", sometimes it's something a therapist could help you with.

Overall, you two were together way too young and for way too long.

Unfortunately you stunted each other's growth and became overly dependant on each other.

 

[impressclim5102]

28 minutes ago, impressclim5102 said:

 

 

Edited January 3, 2021 by impressclim5102

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, impressclim5102 said:

Please help me, how to deal with it? Should I give it up, let it just be? Or should I try to make him believe me again? To prove him that he can really trust me? Should I stop fighting for our relationship or not?

There is nothing to fight for.  Your 1st love ran it's course, like it was supposed to.  He may have been your 1st love but he was never meant to be your forever love. 

You are 18.  Your whole life is in front of you.  Whatever your next adventure after HS it will open up worlds you can't even imagine right now.  You get to be sad in the short term.  The loss of a 5 year relationship is profound but there is no reason to go backwards in life.  Grieve the loss but then move forward. 

You do have to stop living with him. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship is over, OP.

Relationships that start when you’re that young almost never last, because you’re too young to have any idea what direction life will take you or the person you will become. Most don’t want to commit to a lifetime when they’ve never experienced anyone else on any serious level. That’s what your ex is realizing now. He’s ready to spread his wings and see what else is out there.

Your relationship became very unhealthy, you both need to move in from each other. Learn who are and build up your own life again. Find a new place to live and start your journey into adulthood. It won’t be with him, but that’s for the best. 

[Keridan]

I dont have any sage advice. I was in a relationship like this when I was young. We both got hit on a lot and we both got jealous.

 

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are hurting and I wish you the best. I think you need some space from the problem to decide what the answer is. Take care of yourself more and worry less about him. At least for a while.

[smackie9]

I get it, he is all you have ever known, he was a part of your life growing up, and it's a very tough adjustment. It's a kick in the gut, the future seems scary because it is of the unknown, where to go from here stuff. Go and move back home, get support from your parents or a family member. Make sure you go no contact with him, if you want the healing process to begin and finish. Start a new chapter in your life, find your own identity, learn grow move forward.

[Miss Spider]

I’m sorry you’re hurting. But trust me, he’s not all that. Actually, by his actions, he ain’t a thing. you’re gonna look back on this years from now and be like WTF was I thinking... you might even think ’ew, gross’ And when it happens… Will you do me a favor… will you come and hit the heart button in the lower right hand corner of this post? Because I know I’m right. Thanks. 

Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[snowboy91]

Really sorry to hear you're hurting.

Unfortunately all I can say is that you're 18... and it's been 5 of your formative years in this relationship. So the end of the relationship sucks. Massively. And it's going to suck for a while. Especially since you isolated yourself from friends and family in the relationship - this is always tempting to do but I always say NEVER lose your friends in a relationship, since a) it is way too much to expect one person to be your entire support network, and b) they are your support if the relationship ends (and many do eventually). 

The best thing for you now is standing up on your own two feet. Move out of his place - you don't need the constant reminders every single day. Do stuff you enjoy doing. Reach out to others, even if it's been a while - I know you haven't had a great time with friends in the past, but people are generally nicer at 18-20 than they are at 13-15.

Like I said, it's going to suck for a while, but it WILL get better.

[Stret]

The more desperate you become, the more he doesn't want to be with you. He is obviously interested in that other girl. He is also not respecting your feelings at all by keeping contact with her and going to her place to help her out. Who knows what is going on between them, he's not really being honest. 

But don't focus on him. Focus on yourself - go to the university where you'll meet plenty of more mature and better guys. When I was your age I also thought my first bf was the best in the world. Then we broke up and I found someone else... I was surprised to see that other guys are better in every way. You have no way of knowing this unless you try it. He is lost for you, but don't lose your dignity by being desperate and jealous. He gave you more than enough reasons to leave. 

Take your things, move out, go to university or get a job, and start life without him. It will be ok, you'll find your way. Have a bit of self confidence.