Dee1506 Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 Hi all sorry for so much information my head is all over the place and I really do need some advice. Firstly I'm 39 and have 2 children aged 16 and 15 from a previous marriage with whom we have shared custody of them. My current partner who is now 36 i met at work, we were friends for a few months then started a relationship we have been together for over 5 years now and have just bought our first house together back in July. The mortgage is in his name as I have debt from previous and couldn't get a mortgage but I am on the paperwork for the house help to buy etc. I did also paid half the deposit and pay half of the mortgage each month. Before this i had a rented property and he stayed with me most nights, when we met he still stayed with his mum! We also have been trying for a baby for a few years to no avail however we tried ivf and got pregnant in September. During previous years I have seen his temper he has never touched me but sometimes makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells we would have arguments he would call me horrible names and he would go and stay at his mums for a few days/week which I felt like when he didn't get his own way he would sulk, im so laid back and I know i should have walked away at the first sign of this but I felt I couldn't get any better than him, he is good-looking and goes to the gym so has a good body, I guess my self confidence is zero and this is my issue (my ex cheated on me with a colleague at my old work) However we went on great holidays and made some good memories but also a lot of bad, my friends have seen the warning signs and told me to get rid of him but I stayed and felt I could change him. I have lost my friends through it so have no one to speak to. I'm not close to my family he is the only one I have. We got the house then fell pregnant a few weeks later, I surprised him on his birthday with positive pregnancy test and he really changed would me do anything strenuous really looked after me. He moved to work at a different depot from me and his hours weren't great so went for a promotion in my depot doing hours that will work better when we have the baby, he starts this job next week. A week before Xmas he had a drink and sat up till early hours playing his computer at the bottom of our bed whilst I am trying to sleep so I said to him im trying sleep reminding him im 4 months pregnant and he kicked off, he punched 2 holes downstairs in the wall of our brand new home, my kids were upstairs sleeping i felt intimidated and didn't know what to do he then tells me to get my kids and me out his house he always says 'your' kids as if they are Pieces of s***, where is my respect for myself I know He eventually went to sleep and I slept on sofa downstairs. Next morning he was so apologetic and told.me he had taken his depression tablets before he started drinking so this is why he was that way, he has been through a lot this year his sister and his mother both have mental health issues and his sister was in a hospital for a few months he had to deal with going to visit every day along with working 50 hours a week no excuse I know . He said he was going to his mums as wanted to give me and the kids space he messaged the kids an apology and said he loved us very much but he had anger issues he needed to sort out. He came home when the kids were at their dads the following week and we spoke and he said he was going to arrange to speak to someone when we are out of covid lockdown , I gave him benefit of the doubt it is our first Christmas in our house and with me pregnant. Fast forward to new years day, he seems to be nit picking at every I do and kids do I cant live that way so told him that he wasn't happy he wants to control everything my kids do ie how long my son plays his computer we were supposed to be going to his sisters but I said I didn't want to go as it would be awkward as we were not really speaking anyway he said please come so I went, as soon as I got in the car he started again and we were arguing we got about 2 miles away from my house and he slammed the brakes on the car and spun round just missing another car, the weather is treacherous here icy and snow I was terrified i tried to get out and he wouldn't let me out i was hysterical he eventually stopped and I got out and walked the 2 miles home freezing while he went to his sisters. He then text me as I got home saying he was moving back to his mums again, he is her golden boy and they do anything for him. Its never his fault its always everyone else's. That was Friday and I haven't seen him since, he messaged a few times yesterday about rubbish i ignored him and he messaged saying he hoped I was ok, then went on to social media and started adding random girls with good figures and liking pictures of them which I find really disrespectful as he knows my insecurities i have about my body. I would never be so horrible to someone especially when I'm pregnant. So now I'm here in this house on my own hes at his mums kids at their dad's, in my eyes he should be begging for forgiveness but today he has messaged and is blaming me. I am no angel and I do answer him back, to make it worse we just found out we were having a boy on Thursday we should be ecstatic and planning our future. I absolutely adore him and he seems to be like that with me most of the time but I cant cope with this. What do I do,I'm just so down and need help and advice, anything would be appreciated
Wiseman2 Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 Sorry this is happening. He's abusive and dangerous. Until you can extricate yourself from this, do not let your kids stay there. Re-establish whatever family and friends connections you can. Find trusted people you can talk to and enlist some help getting out of this. Read up on abusive relationships. Do your best to protect your kids. Eventually (an rightfully so) your kids will tell their dad what's going on with the violence in the house and you may lose custody. 1
Author Dee1506 Posted January 3, 2021 Author Posted January 3, 2021 He blames me all the time and says its not him, he has me thinking it is me, I have nowhere to go i feel so trapped 1
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 You are in a quite a pickle. You need to get out of there. He's violent & abusive. You don't stay with a man who punches holes in walls. When you think you can change a person you are already in a hole. That should have been the only red flag you needed not to buy a house with him or have his baby. Now you need a lawyer to figure out how to get your money back on the house & to secure child support for your unborn child.
princessaurora Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 He needs to stay at his mom's house indefinitely. I'm concerned for your safety and even more for your unborn child. Stressing you out so much you're crying hysterically, almost getting in a car accident, and then putting you in a situation to walk home in the freezing cold is not good for you or the baby. It doesn't sound like he cares too much for the baby with the way he's carrying on. He should be protecting you and your unborn son at this stage. I fear if you stay in his presence he could cause you to have a late miscarriage or a maternal fetal death. For the safety of your family, you need to stay away from him at least till the baby comes. And as for him waiting to get help due to covid? Bull bull bull. Therapists are doing zoom calls to have their sessions. They wouldn't be able to survive if they weren't. My IC switched to zoom last March and we added MC a few months ago with a different therapist, all through zoom. He needs to start looking now because it will be at least a few weeks to a month before he can get an appt but he needs to get help. In the meantime, for the sake of your unborn child, stay away from him.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 7, 2021 Posted January 7, 2021 On 1/3/2021 at 1:23 PM, Dee1506 said: I absolutely adore him You adore a man who disrespects your children? Disrespects your unborn child? Disrespects you? I think you are confusing adoration with dependency because you feel you have no other options. Do you have any family nearby that you can stay with? An old friend who might have compassion if you explain why you've disappeared and are in a desperate situation? Can your other children stay with their dad for a while? Whatever you do, you need to get out and now. He is dangerous and is going to seriously hurt you someday. It's not a matter of if, but when. I would not trust him whatsoever around an infant, either. If you can't find the courage on your own to leave, do it for that baby. They didn't ask to born into an abusive, toxic home and you're doing more than harm than good by bringing a child into this.
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