I don't know how to date casual

[Amanda92]

For the first time in my life I date someone who dates very often. He has many female friends too. We didn't talk what is between us, it's too early. I was sure that we will just hook up, but he wants to date and after 3 dates I can say I may like him... but I can't deal with thought that he dates not only me. I used to date men that don't date too much, so I never was so jealous. I'm very attractive, but not confident at all.

I would like to relax and give us chance to know each other, but I am afraid that he will break my heart. I am so blocked that when I want to initiate contact I have nothing in my head. I just feel that I can't even send a message! I just do everything to avoid getting attached becasue I don't want to get through it again. I know that we met too fast - when I had a broken heart. I don't want to miss that chance.

I think that I will destroy it because of being afraid. He always initiated contact, I know that I have to do it too, but I am so afraid of being rejected again. I don't want to be so cold only because he may play with me. He may turn out to be a good guy. He is normal, honest men. I always met narcissist and I think I feel insecure because of no love bombing even if I know that this way it's much healthier...

[Ami1uwant]

Are you talking booty calls? Friends with benefits? Occasional get together for fun but nothing serious and sex isn’t expected but nice to have?  Do you want casual dating that’s exclusive?

[Amanda92]

No. It's not FWB. We date like people who want to know each other, not only sex. We didn't name it, but I know that he used to date a lot. We just met 3 times and I supposed he dates with someone else too.

[stillafool]

By agreeing to date a guy who you know dates many others you are opening yourself up for heartache unless you are the type who does this too.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

but I can't deal with thought that he dates not only me.

I think that statement is a strong indication that dating him "casually" is not going to work for you.  

[introverted1]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

By agreeing to date a guy who you know dates many others you are opening yourself up for heartache unless you are the type who does this too.

And STIs.

[smackie9]

You are wasting your time. He multi dates because he's not interested in commitment. Not sure why you are even bothering.

[d0nnivain]

Try changing the definitions. 

To me a date is a specific meeting.  It's not a way to define what you are.  That is a relationship.

Tell yourself it's OK to have a few dates even if he's seeing others.  When you get to a point where you want a relationship, exclusivity & sex that is what you have to talk & see where he is & what he wants.  Don't give your heart away or get too invested until you reach that point. 

If you can't do that, this may not be your guy.

[BaileyB]

18 hours ago, stillafool said:

By agreeing to date a guy who you know dates many others you are opening yourself up for heartache unless you are the type who does this too.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling the man that you are ready to be exclusive, that you will not have sex with a man who is dating other women. It seems, rather intuitive... but, somehow this current generation believes that there is something inherently “wrong” with you if you can’t handle the fact that the guy you want to date is also pursuing other options. 

Personally, I wouldn’t waste my time with someone who is still multidating after a few dates. By that point, we either know we want to be together, or we go date other people. 

Decide what it is that you want, and don’t compromise. 

Edited January 3, 2021 by BaileyB

[dramafreezone]

21 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

For the first time in my life I date someone who dates very often. He has many female friends too. We didn't talk what is between us, it's too early. I was sure that we will just hook up, but he wants to date and after 3 dates I can say I may like him... but I can't deal with thought that he dates not only me. I used to date men that don't date too much, so I never was so jealous. I'm very attractive, but not confident at all.

I would like to relax and give us chance to know each other, but I am afraid that he will break my heart. I am so blocked that when I want to initiate contact I have nothing in my head. I just feel that I can't even send a message! I just do everything to avoid getting attached becasue I don't want to get through it again. I know that we met too fast - when I had a broken heart. I don't want to miss that chance.

I think that I will destroy it because of being afraid. He always initiated contact, I know that I have to do it too, but I am so afraid of being rejected again. I don't want to be so cold only because he may play with me. He may turn out to be a good guy. He is normal, honest men. I always met narcissist and I think I feel insecure because of no love bombing even if I know that this way it's much healthier...

Interesting.  You admit to dating men that didn't have a lot of options, then admit that you're extremely jealous of this guy because he does. These are your issues ultimately. 

Maybe he's not at the stage where he wants to be exclusive.   Or maybe you're not quite his cup of tea.  I don't see a reason to take that personally.  I'm sure there are plenty of guys that liked you the same way but they weren't your cup of tea and you didn't want to be exclusive with them.   

Only thing you can do at this point is ask him if he wants to be exclusive.  He may say no and then you have a choice to either accept that he's dating others or move on.

[Amanda92]

On 1/3/2021 at 12:29 PM, dramafreezone said:

Interesting.  You admit to dating men that didn't have a lot of options, then admit that you're extremely jealous of this guy because he does. These are your issues ultimately. 

Maybe he's not at the stage where he wants to be exclusive.   Or maybe you're not quite his cup of tea.  I don't see a reason to take that personally.  I'm sure there are plenty of guys that liked you the same way but they weren't your cup of tea and you didn't want to be exclusive with them.   

Only thing you can do at this point is ask him if he wants to be exclusive.  He may say no and then you have a choice to either accept that he's dating others or move on.

What do you mean?

[Watercolors]

He sounds like a hassle. He wants to date multiple women including you, potentially have sex with these multiple women, including you. I would run from guys like him. First, b/c I only date one guy at a time. Second, I don’t want to catch an STD from the guy. 

You are 3 dates in. Now is the time to set your boundaries. Tell him, you won’t have sex with him as long as he’s dating other women. And, you won’t have sex with him, until you’ve dated him for x-amount of days or weeks exclusively. Those are your terms and conditions. If he feels the same way, great! If he would prefer to be a casual dater who has sex with multiple women at the same time, and that’s not your thing, then stop seeing him. 

It’s important that you communicate your needs to every guy you date. If you don’t, they won’t know what your needs are. 

[Miss Spider]

My controversial(maybe?i guess?!?!) feelings are that it’s not that he is multi Dating( though that’s not great). It’s more that he told you this/you know it. That suggests he isn’t interested in a commitment, at least at this time/with you, so you should take this man heaux off of your viable options for an LTR.  If a person really likes you, they probably are not going to let you know think they are seeing other people( unless they’re playing as weird game, in which you don’t want that person/baggage either) . I would never date a guy that told me he was multi dating and I would never tell a guy I liked I multidate, even if I did ... 

Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Watercolors]

2 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

My controversial(maybe?i guess?!?!) feelings are that it’s not that he is multi Dating. It’s more that he told you this/you know it. That suggests he isn’t interested in a commitment, at least at this time/with you, so you should take this man heaux off of your viable options for an LTR.  If a person really likes you, they probably are not going to let you know think they are seeing other people( unless they’re playing as weird game, in which you don’t want that person/baggage either) . I would never date a guy that told me he was multi dating and I would never tell a guy I liked I multidate, even if I did ... 

I don’t think your view is controversial. It’s more factual. He told the OP what his terms and conditions are with women right now whom he’s dating: that he wants to sleep around and date casually with multiple women. The OP can take that information and make her decision if that’s what she wants to do with him. 

After 3 dates with him, the OP needs to communicate to him what her terms and conditions are. I don’t know that he’ll stop dating these other women when the OP talks to him. But she should at least practice communicating her needs out loud to guys. If the OP doesn’t like the arrangement of being one of many women he dates and has sex with, she needs to draw the line now, and tell him that she’s only interested in dating exclusively, one-on-one. And if he rejects the OP for that, good. Because that’s not what she wants anyway. 

OP, it’s wrong for you to just go along with what he wants. You won’t get what you want unless you ask for it with guys. You need to just point blank tell him that you are not comfortable dating casually, and while you like him, you don’t want to continue dating him, if he’s going to continue dating multiple women because that’s not your dating style. 

[JackD]

Why would you even want to date him? If he's still dating around then clearly he's not that interested in you and wants to keep his options open until someone better comes along.

[Amanda92]

You may be right. I am not sure if I would like to date him serious because I don't know him enough and the truth is I didn't show any interest so far. He is the one who initiate, compliment and start conversation. I am very distant because I want to know him before getting attached.

You focused too much on the fact he dates around. I wanted to focus on my fear and being so passive...

[ccas93]

Don't do it. i did this same exact thing with a girl last summer. We had sex on the third date, it was amazing and then I called her the next day and we had a talk about how to proceed. I said I was down for to see where things go, or do casual-exclusive deal, but she didn't want to give up her precious right to sleep around during a pandemic. The Bumble D buffet must be really good. I lost respect and never contacted her again. No way was I going to put myself at risk of diseases or know this girl I was developing feelings for was prob also sleeping with Josh, Kyle, Jimmy, Brad god knows who else off an app. 

Edited January 6, 2021 by ccas93

[chillii]

1 hour ago, Amanda92 said:

You may be right. I am not sure if I would like to date him serious because I don't know him enough and the truth is I didn't show any interest so far. He is the one who initiate, compliment and start conversation. I am very distant because I want to know him before getting attached.

You focused too much on the fact he dates around. I wanted to focus on my fear and being so passive...

 

Well , your being that way with him bc you know he see's other women. Your protecting yourself that's a good thing. lf l was single l wouldn't even consider wasting my time on a woman seeing other guys too , not in this lifetime and never did. And the sort of woman l'd go for wouldn't either, never in my life did l even meet a woman that would expect to act like that.

So many people out there it seems , from forums anyway , seem to be trying to live all these what must be new ideals of how people go about all this stuff now , and fight themselves about it all. Bc it's bloody unnatural that's why but they're trying to force themselves into it anyway and square pegs into round holes.

lf he can't and doesn't want to focus on you and you alone , then it's obviously not enough and doesn't have what it takes. lf you keep seeing him , talk to him , tell him your not interested in that bs so if he doesn't see your value and worth and still wants to see other women then it's not for you. But then again , you shouldn't even have to say things like that to someone, if they're properly truly interested then they won't even wanna be seeing other people that's insane.

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

. I am very distant because I want to know him before getting attached.

You focused too much on the fact he dates around

Unfortunately this creates a vicious circle.  How can you get to know someone who you keep so distant?

Are you sure you are ready to date? You seem terrified of even getting to know someone.

The main concern is the fact that he's seeing others.

That means 2 things. His interest in you is not all that keen. And keeping intense walls up is indeed discouraging him.

Reflect on what you want out of dating and if this guy even interests you.

Edited January 7, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Miss Spider]

13 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

You may be right. I am not sure if I would like to date him serious because I don't know him enough and the truth is I didn't show any interest so far. He is the one who initiate, compliment and start conversation. I am very distant because I want to know him before getting attached.

You focused too much on the fact he dates around. I wanted to focus on my fear and being so passive...

You seem focused on it too. Probably because you like him and the fact that he is dating around is a threat to you. It is a threat to you because people that are dating around A) showing you a sign that they are not that interested in you and/or building something long term and meaningful and B) opening up competition for you.

The only way I could see you escaping that problem is to stop caring so much about any particular outcome with this individual. Don’t put them on a pedestal and do your thing and this will not be an issue. That’s a lot easier to say than do when you like someone romantically

[Emilie Jolie]

Let him multidate to his heart's content, compare notes, circle back and forth, confere with his entourage, swipe right and left, and do your thing.

Getting to know one person at time can be casual and fun too - it's not about the 'competition', it's about exploring a genuine connection. If his mind is constantly elswewhere, it's not worth it.

Most importantly, observe how he treats you; accept nothing but the best treatment at all times, don't allow yourself to be disrespected, manipulated or used. 

 

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Let him multidate to his heart's content, compare notes, circle back and forth, confere with his entourage, swipe right and left, and do your thing.

Getting to know one person at time can be casual and fun too - it's not about the 'competition', it's about exploring a genuine connection. If his mind is constantly elswewhere, it's not worth it.

Most importantly, observe how he treats you; accept nothing but the best treatment at all times, don't allow yourself to be disrespected, manipulated or used. 

 

This is agreat advice for you Amanda92.

If you don't like the fact that he's multidating because that's not what you're used to, then you can choose to just stop dating him. You've only been on three dates. 

Or you can take the more relaxed approach (with boundaries intact: no sex w/him since he's multidating) and just go on fun dates knowing that it's not serious. Just fun.

[Emilie Jolie]

15 hours ago, Watercolors said:

If you don't like the fact that he's multidating because that's not what you're used to, then you can choose to just stop dating him. You've only been on three dates.

Thanks for the praise @Watercolors. Just to clarify, I really just meant the above. 

I don't know many people (or any, really) who would accept to go for the 'relaxed' method to be honest 🙂.

Edited January 8, 2021 by Emilie Jolie

[Watercolors]

11 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Thanks for the praise @Watercolors. Just to clarify, I really just meant the above. 

I don't know many people (or any, really) who would accept to go for the 'relaxed' method to be honest 🙂.

Hi Emilie. The only people who would go for the casual dating format, are the people who want a FWB or ONS situation, or who are polyamorous (sex w/multiple partners b/c they want to be). 

Do what you are comfortable doing. Do not put yourself in dating situations where you feel like you are compromising your own standards and values. Do not lower your expectations just to please the guy. The only way to attract the type of men who deserve you, is to commit to your standards and values, and when appropriate, communicate what those are to the men who express interest in dating you. That’s the quickest way to weed out the men who you’re not compatible with. 

[Emilie Jolie]

27 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Do what you are comfortable doing. Do not put yourself in dating situations where you feel like you are compromising your own standards and values. Do not lower your expectations just to please the guy. The only way to attract the type of men who deserve you, is to commit to your standards and values, and when appropriate, communicate what those are to the men who express interest in dating you. That’s the quickest way to weed out the men who you’re not compatible with. 

Best post I've seen on LS for a while. Straight on the fridge door

🙏@Watercolors.