CloudyHead Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 Are people really finding a partner dating at this stage in life? For me it is exhausting and depressing. The men I encounter think they are so gorgeous (they're not) and focus so much on physical appearance when their own physical appearance is lacking. Or they live at home with parents. Or they want to do what they want to do and have no interest in your likes/dislikes. They seem selfish and completely self-absorbed, which is probably why they're single. Ugh.
Happy Lemming Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 12 minutes ago, CloudyHead said: Are people really finding a partner dating at this stage in life? My girlfriend & I met when we were in our late 40's/early 50's and we've been dating for almost 9 years. I do think she had to lowered her expectations a bit, when she settled for me. But all in all, she seems content. Yes... it is very possible to find someone compatible when you are 50 (ish). As a side note, on-line dating (for my girlfriend) was a complete disaster and she hated it. We met in an apartment complex pool (real life). Is it possible the men you are finding are bitter and jaded from previous marriages/relationships?? So you are finding men over 50 living with their parents?? Are they acting as caretakers?? I have a guest house/casita on property for my parents (earmarked for them) if they need it. I will have no hesitation assisting them, if need be.
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 I met my ex-bf a couple of months after turning 50. No, I did not feel my pool of men was smaller because of my age. I am now 55 and recently single. I had a look online a couple of weeks ago out of curiosity, I am nowhere ready to date but needed to look what's out there for when I'm ready. I saw plenty of interesting men. But online dating for a woman is demanding, you have to accept you'll have to filter non -stop and out of 25 messages maybe 1 will be interesting. 2
kendahke Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) 52 minutes ago, CloudyHead said: They seem selfish and completely self-absorbed, which is probably why they're single. the same can be said of the women, too. They come with their own collection of life baggage, too. I think it's more that they don't believe they have to settle for any one person and life has taught them that had they taken more time and care 30+ years ago in choosing a life partner, perhaps they wouldn't be single/divorced on a site looking for someone new. Also, many of them have assets that they're not going to let someone new get their hands on, so they keep them at a distance and adopt a "why bother" attitude. Dating in one's 50+ years requires doing a whole lot more compromise, especially if you're not firing on all cylinders, yourself. And the truth of the matter is: if they don't want to, they don't have to. Edited January 2, 2021 by kendahke
central Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 Plenty do find dates and relationships after 50. Of course, everyone has experience and baggage that informs their preferences and prospects (and delusions). However, while it may take a while and many, many first dates, you only have to find ONE good partner on the same page as you. 3
FMW Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 I've been seeing a guy for over a year, we're both over 50. Sure, we both have baggage (I'm divorced for over 4 years, he's widowed for over 2), but we are pretty compatible and we're having a lot of fun together. We met IRL, not online, and things evolved very naturally and easily for us. Maybe it helps that neither of us want to be married again or even live together. We spend several nights a week together alternating homes and socialize regularly with each others' friends, as well as friends we have in common. We also then have our time apart to do our own things. Friends of ours, both divorced and over 50, met about the same time we did (IRL, not online). They almost immediately moved in together and spend very little time apart. Another couple we're all friends with met in their late 60s, dated a few years and have now been married for two years. We obviously have very different stories and ways of being together as couples, but we're all happy and really enjoying the relationships we're in. So yes, it's very possible to find a partner after 50. But just like dating in general, sometimes you have to wade through a lot of times wasters before you get to what you want. 3
Ellener Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 12 minutes ago, FMW said: we're having a lot of fun together That's the key for me- is it enjoyable? I've done quite enough angst and 'working through' stuff for one lifetime! If it's too difficult or in any way unpleasant- not meant to be. 1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said: As a side note, on-line dating (for my girlfriend) was a complete disaster and she hated it. I haven't had any bad experiences but I didn't think it was a great way to initiate relationships overall either.
Ami1uwant Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 It’s naturally harder. at that point in life people are looking for folks who are more comparable to their lifestyle and interests. they aren’t changing for their SO like they might have done in their 20s. there also is a big difference if people didn’t meet their prior spouse through online so they have this unfamiliarity to it thus more hesitant. 2
primer Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 5 hours ago, CloudyHead said: Are people really finding a partner dating at this stage in life? For me it is exhausting and depressing. The men I encounter think they are so gorgeous (they're not) and focus so much on physical appearance when their own physical appearance is lacking. Or they live at home with parents. Or they want to do what they want to do and have no interest in your likes/dislikes. They seem selfish and completely self-absorbed, which is probably why they're single. Ugh. I am in my 50s and not having any luck. It's been three years now. This New Year's has been totally depressing because I concluded that nothing changes. I give up. Between being single and the pandemic, I have never felt lonelier. The latest: There was a guy I met online. We had fun together and had common interests and beliefs. Then someone heard he was talking to a girl named "Primer" and he got mad. He wanted to know which one of my friends had a big mouth (small town). I no longer hang out with him since he wanted it to be secret, even though we went out in public. Crazy that he has a profile on POF with a picture. He's not married either. It was weird. Good luck to you. I hope you are one of the fortunate ones that finds somebody. It can happen.
chillii Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) Women don't seem to get why men can't be bothered jumping through hoops for them as we get to that age but what they forget is that we probably already did that for 20 or 30yrs already and she fkd off anyway, women are divorcing in drogues. Meanwhile he's left with not even being able to see his kids in many cases , or with being some part time dad thing , he usually loses his house, and a lot of his income and retirement too , and this can still happen even if she's the one that screwed around. But then they wonder why he's thinking of himself for a change and won't buckle and twist for just a woman anymore, someone very special that has all the right stuff maybe, but she's rare. So it's a bit of a vicious cycle. And most women throw themselves out there again within wks or mths and they haven't even worked through their divorce or issues yet only to turn around 6mths in ohhhh l'm sorry but this or that or blah bloody blah , he would've seen plenty of that too and no doubt she has with some men also. And she also won't realize that most of the women out there 40s and 50s have tons of baggage , head problems , trust issues , finding themselves issues too l mean we hear and see it all non stop when you find yourself out there again after 20 or 30 yrs it's a mine field.The biggest challenge for those men that would like to find someone special again is first up that she's still some form of sane , believe me. Most common complaint l heard and still hear from guys and found myself.Then there's her baggage and tribe of kids and ex's and what sort of physical shape she's in , women way way over rate themselves too especially online . l use to think what hasn't she looked in a mirror or stood on scales for 20yrs , wth does she think she is . And no doubt it goes the same vice versa too l dunno l wasn't meeting men or cared . Good news is though if you've got good taste and picker and read people well there are still others out there 50s that have still have their marbles and themselves and life and mental state still in some kind of good place and are just looking for that someone special and a new start . They are out there matter of fact as a guy l found once l started being interested and use to it all again if anything there were just as many now as there was back in 20s . But yeah finding that right person all round and that is on the same page too yeah it was tricky for sure. lt did take a lot of time first though to find my feet and to start coming across decent women. Get yourself in a good place again , and be selective , take your time and use your picker. lt's about quality not quantity. Edited January 2, 2021 by chillii 3
salparadise Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 6 hours ago, CloudyHead said: For me it is exhausting and depressing. The men I encounter think they are so gorgeous (they're not) and focus so much on physical appearance when their own physical appearance is lacking. I'm finding it difficult and disappointing recently as well. I've been divorced 10 years and have had two good relationships (and a few short lived dating escapades), one of which I thought might be the real deal. Entitlement is the word I'd use to generally describe what I'm finding out there. The way I see it is that people in the 50+ group have all been burned in the past and this creates resistance. Of course they all want a great partner to enjoy life with, but they have low tolerance (as Ellener said, "If it's too difficult or in any way unpleasant- not meant to be") combined with very high expectations. I may have grown cynical, but it seems like they all have a princess mentality––they believe they deserve a perfect physical specimen, wealthy, and high status. They simply aren't motivated by smart, kind and comfortable. If you can't sweep them off their feet, as they so often say, there's just no interest. I have lowered my expectations now and am accepting that I might not ever find anyone beyond the friendship or casual dating type of thing. I am not going to stick my neck out either. They're going to have to meet me half way... it doesn't matter how hot or sophisticated they consider themselves to be. I'm tired of the disappointment. So basically I'm doing the same as they are –– raising the bar, lowering expectations, and accepting that if they're looking to find an issue they'll certainly find it (thanks Ellener, for illustrating my perspective). That being said, I remain open if someone comes along and floats my boat, and I float hers. To be fair, I guess I should say that neither gender has an exclusive on any of this. It's just hard to find mutual attraction and acceptance. I've had at least two who thought I was the bee's knees and would've married me, but it wasn't mutual on my side. One married the next guy she met, and the other got pissed went NC (which was probably the right thing for her). It's just hard to find someone where it all aligns on both sides. 2
Uruktopi Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, CloudyHead said: Are people really finding a partner dating at this stage in life? For me it is exhausting and depressing. The men I encounter think they are so gorgeous (they're not) and focus so much on physical appearance when their own physical appearance is lacking. Or they live at home with parents. Or they want to do what they want to do and have no interest in your likes/dislikes. They seem selfish and completely self-absorbed, which is probably why they're single. Ugh. I found (we found) the love of my life when I was 61 years old. And she was slghtly older than me. A mature intense and significative love. I lost her years later. This only answers part of your worries and just from a personal experience. True that at a certain age, both men and women, carry some emotional baggage and reluctance. Even if men´s issues about may be sometimes (ehmmmmmmmm) let´s say specific, I think that both genders have own age / experiences related bias regarding dating, attraction and love. And it is possible, anyhow. Edited January 2, 2021 by Uruktopi 1
sam light Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 I'm 50's. I'm pretty comfortable being alone compared to my younger self. I know full well the drama (small or large) that comes with a relationship. So, I'm not looking. If someone comes along by chance, I evaluate her with a lifetime of knowledge. She would have to be pretty special to make me chance the potential drama. I am though a little more open to dating for fun, not dating to find a permanent partner. None of this is to say I am some great prize. I'm just content and wisely reluctant to risk changing it for just anyone. 4
smackie9 Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 If I was single...and after the pandemic...all I have to do is go to car shows to meet my man lol. Being older is much easier because you are wiser and don't put up with much $hit as you did when you were younger.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 They've been spoiled with decades of casual/FWB sex from women. No need or reason for these men to change and improve.
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 (edited) I'm 70 and find that there are good men out there to date and who want to get married. My mom was widowed and got remarried in her mid to late 70s to a wonderful man after being single three or four years. She was dating this guy she married for much of that time. When he died she found someone right away and remarried at the age of 88. He's several years younger than she, nice looking, a retired professor who is also a world traveler and a great guy! Her secret? She tells me to cook for them, lol! She also adapts to their lifestyle, whatever it may be. She's not one to hold out to get her own way about things and is the consummate homemaker. She stays very happy with her husbands. I, OTOH, stay very happy remaining single! I believe I want to remarry but whenever the opportunity comes along I find some reason not to do so. I've recently met someone and the R is moving very slowly. I'm very comfortable with that and if he's patient I may end up marrying him. Edited January 3, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease 4
BaileyB Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 11 hours ago, CloudyHead said: The men I encounter think they are so gorgeous (they're not) Lol. This made me laugh because my partner would fall into this group... when we first met, I was like - really? Have you looked at yourself recently in a mirror - middle aged, thinning hair, dad bod. This is the compromise we made - I enable him to continue thinking this way and he brings me coffee in the morning... Reading this discussion makes me appreciate him even more... Dating is hard for different reasons at different ages. Success is often simply when opportunity meets luck. It does get hard to continue to put yourself out there after so many disappointments... 4 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: Lol. This made me laugh because my partner would fall into this group... when we first met, I was like - really? Have you looked at yourself recently in a mirror - middle aged, thinning hair, dad bod. This is the compromise we made - I enable him to continue thinking this way and he brings me coffee in the morning... I love it! Way to go, BaileyB! 1
dangerous Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 19 hours ago, salparadise said: I'm finding it difficult and disappointing recently as well. I've been divorced 10 years and have had two good relationships (and a few short lived dating escapades), one of which I thought might be the real deal. Entitlement is the word I'd use to generally describe what I'm finding out there. The way I see it is that people in the 50+ group have all been burned in the past and this creates resistance. Of course they all want a great partner to enjoy life with, but they have low tolerance (as Ellener said, "If it's too difficult or in any way unpleasant- not meant to be") combined with very high expectations. I may have grown cynical, but it seems like they all have a princess mentality––they believe they deserve a perfect physical specimen, wealthy, and high status. They simply aren't motivated by smart, kind and comfortable. If you can't sweep them off their feet, as they so often say, there's just no interest. I have lowered my expectations now and am accepting that I might not ever find anyone beyond the friendship or casual dating type of thing. I am not going to stick my neck out either. They're going to have to meet me half way... it doesn't matter how hot or sophisticated they consider themselves to be. I'm tired of the disappointment. So basically I'm doing the same as they are –– raising the bar, lowering expectations, and accepting that if they're looking to find an issue they'll certainly find it (thanks Ellener, for illustrating my perspective). That being said, I remain open if someone comes along and floats my boat, and I float hers. To be fair, I guess I should say that neither gender has an exclusive on any of this. It's just hard to find mutual attraction and acceptance. I've had at least two who thought I was the bee's knees and would've married me, but it wasn't mutual on my side. One married the next guy she met, and the other got pissed went NC (which was probably the right thing for her). It's just hard to find someone where it all aligns on both sides. This. I agree, and as a guy in my 50's, I would add: - I am ok single and not needy to have (another) LTR. Therefore, I treat dating as a journey of meeting lots of varied and interesting people. I try to filter out as many jerks as I possibly can. I hope that sometimes we will be compatible and have the potential of a relationship. - I do not count on OLD, in fact I haven't had a meaningful relationship from it, ever! (although I have had some fun, some friends and even some drama!) I had two LTRs (6 months and 2 years) from real life social interactions. In conclusion, yes, you can find love after 50, but treat OLD as one tool of many, do not rely on it. And above all, be true to your own values, and be aware that a large proportion of daters have baggage that they can't seem to leave behind. This often manifests itself as rudeness and entitlement, which are no-no's for me. 1
Miss Spider Posted January 6, 2021 Posted January 6, 2021 (edited) On 1/2/2021 at 11:30 AM, CloudyHead said: Are people really finding a partner dating at this stage in life? For me it is exhausting and depressing. The men I encounter think they are so gorgeous (they're not) and focus so much on physical appearance when their own physical appearance is lacking. Or they live at home with parents. Or they want to do what they want to do and have no interest in your likes/dislikes. They seem selfish and completely self-absorbed, which is probably why they're single. Ugh. You just described a lot of people of every age. I think what happens as you get older is that people have less and less tolerance for this BS and they don’t need this in their life as much as they once did. So less compromises are being made on both sides therefore a bit more difficult to find someone they end up with. But it happens and when it does it’s all the more sweet and special IMO I have several family members who remarried in their 50s and say it’s their best marriage yet. Edited January 7, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
chillii Posted January 7, 2021 Posted January 7, 2021 That's true for me too , must admit . l've come across quite a few people remarried and very happy, some have been remarried for 20yrs . We aren't remarried but we're both far happier now than before . Ex w and l were very happy for a long time , but it certainly wasn't that way in the end and l'd never swap what we have now for that, not on a dozen levels. 2 1
dangerous Posted January 7, 2021 Posted January 7, 2021 On 1/2/2021 at 4:30 PM, CloudyHead said: Are people really finding a partner dating at this stage in life? For me it is exhausting and depressing. The men I encounter think they are so gorgeous (they're not) and focus so much on physical appearance when their own physical appearance is lacking. Or they live at home with parents. Or they want to do what they want to do and have no interest in your likes/dislikes. They seem selfish and completely self-absorbed, which is probably why they're single. Ugh. Back to the OP, it sounds like the men you met so far are simply not a match. Keep going?
SumGuy Posted January 7, 2021 Posted January 7, 2021 On 1/2/2021 at 11:30 AM, CloudyHead said: Are people really finding a partner dating at this stage in life? For me it is exhausting and depressing. The men I encounter think they are so gorgeous (they're not) and focus so much on physical appearance when their own physical appearance is lacking. Or they live at home with parents. Or they want to do what they want to do and have no interest in your likes/dislikes. They seem selfish and completely self-absorbed, which is probably why they're single. Ugh. A man here over 50 and preferentially dated women near my age, yes possible and very good when was dating (found someone so no longer dating). Yet to hear women tell it your experience is not uncommon. Of course, all the stuff you mention seems to be fairly common at any age. I agree that all those are likely reasons they are single. In my view you can increase your odds by knowing what kind of man you are after, thinking about how to attract/connect with that kind of man and where they may be. A lot of internet dating advice seems to be one size fits all, and giving all sorts of advice on how to attract someone you are not interested in. A lot of women spoke to found a much better caliber of person on the pay sites. It is perfectly fine in my book if you "offend" via your profile the men you are not interested in, in fact that can be a good filter. 1
Author CloudyHead Posted February 1, 2021 Author Posted February 1, 2021 I stopped online dating soon after I started this thread. Why? I logged onto the site one day and the first profile I saw was my ex-husband and the second my ex-boyfriend. That event merited a screenshot of their profiles side by side on my page and the removal of my profile from the site. Last week I received a message from a guy I had interacted with on an OLD site almost one year ago. Last year we ended up having a business relationship due to the work I do and he sought my help. All done via email and phone conversations due to COVID so we never met. We became friends on social media which means little as neither of us post much on social media. Last week he asked me out on a date. I was shocked. We had not communicated much since our work relationship. He's 8 years younger. I'm really looking forward to meeting him. 2
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 5 hours ago, CloudyHead said: I stopped online dating soon after I started this thread. Why? I logged onto the site one day and the first profile I saw was my ex-husband and the second my ex-boyfriend. That event merited a screenshot of their profiles side by side on my page and the removal of my profile from the site. Last week I received a message from a guy I had interacted with on an OLD site almost one year ago. Last year we ended up having a business relationship due to the work I do and he sought my help. All done via email and phone conversations due to COVID so we never met. We became friends on social media which means little as neither of us post much on social media. Last week he asked me out on a date. I was shocked. We had not communicated much since our work relationship. He's 8 years younger. I'm really looking forward to meeting him. What a great post to read, CH! Keep us updated if you like!
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