Desperately want to repair my trust with my girlfriend

[DawcyKe]

Hey all, thanks for reading in advance, bit of a novel here.

I've been dating my girlfriend for about a month and a half now, we've been super close friends for 7 years and have both had interest in each other romantically for some time, and decided that we're both confident it's something that would work out, and so far it has, it's been really great and we're both super happy with the relationship.

The issue I've been having is completely my own problem to solve, and that's just trying to feel less insecure and more trusting. I can only assume the reasoning behind these feelings is from my previous two relationships, one where she started to see her ex again while we were still together and ended up breaking up with me shortly after (I didn't know she was seeing him until some time after). Then the next which in hindsight she was pretty obviously emotionally and sexually abusive to begin with, but cheated with someone throughout most of the relationship, sending nudes and other things, which absolutely broke me for a while after. It should be said I've never fully disclosed the effects of the whole fiasco has had on me to anyone, it is a bit humiliating.

I'm also fairly confident in saying that not being able to see her for the last little bit due to our city being in full on lockdown has kinda, elevated my feelings to a point where I just don't know what to do with myself.

I've got absolutely no reason to, because my girlfriend has never really done anything to break my trust, at all.
But for some reason after seeing her straddle who was at the time a mutual friend (not a guy, but my girlfriend does identify as bisexual) while a small group of our friend circle was hanging out in a park. I've been getting some really rough nights where my mind runs for no reason at all, and I just feel horrible because I feel like I know that she'd never do anything disloyal.

I really don't know what I can do about it, obviously I've never said anything to her regarding it, and I've never snooped around or anything like that, because again, it's my problem and as far as I can tell I do it to myself. And from all I've read and what I've heard this is always the kinda situation where it'll be like "Girl he doesn't trust you, leave him" and I feel like an a**h*** because I know she deserves all my trust, but no matter what I tell myself, whatever I try to reinforce I feel so just- I don't even know but it's not a good time.

I know this probably seems spineless and pathetic but I just don't know where else to go, sorry if this reads terribly it's 5am and this has just kept me up

[Wiseman2]

Ok, you seem to have excellent insight and take full responsibility for whatever your stuff is from your past.

It's also important to note that at 6 weeks, your romantic relationship is in its infancy, even if you were friends before. In fact that shift could make things more complicated than dating de novo.

Take time to reflect if you can deal with her sexuality and the straddling incident in the park. Perhaps blurry boundaries like this are not for you.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, DawcyKe said:

But for some reason after seeing her straddle who was at the time a mutual friend (not a guy, but my girlfriend does identify as bisexual) while a small group of our friend circle was hanging out in a park. I've been getting some really rough nights where my mind runs for no reason at all, and I just feel horrible because I feel like I know that she'd never do anything disloyal.

Just to clarify, did this happen before you were dating? 

[salparadise]

2 hours ago, DawcyKe said:

The issue I've been having is completely my own problem to solve, and that's just trying to feel less insecure and more trusting. I can only assume the reasoning behind these feelings is from my previous two relationships...

after seeing her straddle who was at the time a mutual friend (not a guy, but my girlfriend does identify as bisexual)

You don't give us much context about the straddling incident, but it happened and you know from experience that people can be untrustworthy. Trust is not an absolute –– meaning that there are degrees rather than it being either you do or don't. When we start dating someone we don't owe them complete trust. They earn that over time by being trustworthy and open as to their intent, motivations, and behaviors. It sounds like you have some anxious personality features in addition to having had a few unfortunate experiences with cheating girlfriends. Have you ever seen a psychologist about your anxious thoughts? If you're to the point of losing sleep then you should probably get some professional help.

Now, with respect to the current girlfriend... being bisexual only matters if she thinks that gives her a loophole, and some bi people do sort of reserve the right (in their mind) to have same-sex dalliances since they can't get everything they want from their opposite sex partner. You need to get to know her better and figure out if that's how she sees it, or not. You also need to assess how serious she is about monogamy; some people aren't cut out for it no matter how much they wish. And thirdly, you need to assess her stage of moral development (Kernberg's stages of moral development: pre-conventional, conventional, or post-conventional. Also read his object realtions theory.). After some time you will develop a better understanding of how much trust is appropriate. If your trust doesn't grow, you need to reconsider the relationship. 

So, while you may be a bit anxious, you're not "at fault" for reserving some of your vulnerability. Here is a perspective that may help allay your angst somewhat...  there is really no benefit to you to be tied up in a knot over what may or may not happen. She will either prove to be faithful or she won't, and there isn't much you can do to influence it other than see how it goes over time. Or more specifically, worrying about it negatively affects you, but doesn't do a damn thing to change her, or make her who you want her to be. So let it go and don't be so attached to a specific outcome. Easier said than done, obviously, but something to strive for. Also, remember that you are who you are, and whether or not someone (cheating girlfriends) treat you well doesn't change you –– it's all about them. 

[smackie9]

So you are saying since she is bi she has more opportunity and can get away with it by hanging out with the females in your social group. You have known her for 7 years. Has she been disloyal to people whom she had relationships with?

Just my personal POV, seeing someone in my social group messing around like that would be a red flag to me regardless whether they were single or not. From my experience, I found out about things later, and it's not always your imagination.

[DawcyKe]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Just to clarify, did this happen before you were dating? 

No, this was while we were together.

 

8 hours ago, smackie9 said:

So you are saying since she is bi she has more opportunity and can get away with it by hanging out with the females in your social group. You have known her for 7 years. Has she been disloyal to people whom she had relationships with?

Just my personal POV, seeing someone in my social group messing around like that would be a red flag to me regardless whether they were single or not. From my experience, I found out about things later, and it's not always your imagination.

She's never cheated in a previous relationship, as far as I know, no.

[DawcyKe]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, you seem to have excellent insight and take full responsibility for whatever your stuff is from your past.

It's also important to note that at 6 weeks, your romantic relationship is in its infancy, even if you were friends before. In fact that shift could make things more complicated than dating de novo.

Take time to reflect if you can deal with her sexuality and the straddling incident in the park. Perhaps blurry boundaries like this are not for you.

I understand, I really wanna kinda, clear the water, I'm hoping to have a discussion about it at some point with her.

[DawcyKe]

10 hours ago, salparadise said:

You don't give us much context about the straddling incident, but it happened and you know from experience that people can be untrustworthy. Trust is not an absolute –– meaning that there are degrees rather than it being either you do or don't. When we start dating someone we don't owe them complete trust. They earn that over time by being trustworthy and open as to their intent, motivations, and behaviors. It sounds like you have some anxious personality features in addition to having had a few unfortunate experiences with cheating girlfriends. Have you ever seen a psychologist about your anxious thoughts? If you're to the point of losing sleep then you should probably get some professional help.

Now, with respect to the current girlfriend... being bisexual only matters if she thinks that gives her a loophole, and some bi people do sort of reserve the right (in their mind) to have same-sex dalliances since they can't get everything they want from their opposite sex partner. You need to get to know her better and figure out if that's how she sees it, or not. You also need to assess how serious she is about monogamy; some people aren't cut out for it no matter how much they wish. And thirdly, you need to assess her stage of moral development (Kernberg's stages of moral development: pre-conventional, conventional, or post-conventional. Also read his object realtions theory.). After some time you will develop a better understanding of how much trust is appropriate. If your trust doesn't grow, you need to reconsider the relationship. 

So, while you may be a bit anxious, you're not "at fault" for reserving some of your vulnerability. Here is a perspective that may help allay your angst somewhat...  there is really no benefit to you to be tied up in a knot over what may or may not happen. She will either prove to be faithful or she won't, and there isn't much you can do to influence it other than see how it goes over time. Or more specifically, worrying about it negatively affects you, but doesn't do a damn thing to change her, or make her who you want her to be. So let it go and don't be so attached to a specific outcome. Easier said than done, obviously, but something to strive for. Also, remember that you are who you are, and whether or not someone (cheating girlfriends) treat you well doesn't change you –– it's all about them. 

Thank you for the insight, I know that I can be a bit fragile, or shortsighted with stuff like this, but I like to think that over time I'm getting a bit better, I don't know though.

But because I feel like if I just try and forget it or ignore it, I'll just have it build up into some seriously negative thoughts, so I'm definitely looking to have some sort of discussion with her about the whole thing, how exactly I'll go about that, I'm not sure, I might just try to explain how I've been feeling and why I think that is, or just talk about what the boundaries are gonna be, cause I always kinda have the intent of a relationship being exclusive to the two people in it, but I guess I'll just have to see.

[salparadise]

40 minutes ago, DawcyKe said:

or just talk about what the boundaries are gonna be, cause I always kinda have the intent of a relationship being exclusive to the two people in it, but I guess I'll just have to see.

Tread carefully... it's easy to get someone to agree on fidelity, but what transpires down the road can be quite different. She will no doubt be offended if you suggest that you don't trust her or believe that she's an honorable person. You might approach it from an "I" perspective rather than she. Tell her that your experiences with previous girlfriends still cause you some angst. But words are just words. You need to be observant, as we all do in the process of dating.

[Lotsgoingon]

You know, this is why you really want to bring up awkward moments like the one you witnessed--as soon as possible. Because if you don't, you'll be in pain and agony. And then, more twisted, you'll hide your pain and agony, try to pretend everything is all right, present a happy face. Which is exhausting and absurd--and only compounds the agony.

So you might as well step up and say you felt uncomfortable seeing her straddling the other woman.

The trick is to express your feelings. Now, we have very subtle radar in these situations. Some people might straddle someone and it seems silly and playful. Others do the same and it's totally sexual and flirty. Actually as I write this, I'm thinking there is no way her straddling this other woman was NOT flirty. No way. 

So you have a right to be alarmed and unsettled. You have the right to say that made you feel uncomfortable. And look, you can ask her if she would be comfortable if you straddled someone. Now here's a warning: I'm saying you need to bring this up, but you don't want to just follow her words. Lots of people will say one thing but the acts reveal something else. Lots of flirty people don't even acknowledge that they flirt and are shocked when others point this out. 

On your insecurities, I don't know if these are "insecurities" in the pejorative sense.  If you're losing sleep, this isn't insecurities talking. This is alarm! By alarm, I mean real insecurity, as in your body and safety system are signaling that you don't feel safe--don't feel emotionally safe. You're not making up this sense of precariousness. And the body is often a better judge than the rational mind here. You will be tempted to rationalize what she did, especially after you talk to her and she gives you some half-way plausible explanation. Be careful there. 

One goal of relationships is to find people who don't leave us sleepless in the middle of the night. You and she may simply not be a good fit. You might need someone who doesn't do stuff like that. That's fine. No need to apologize. But bring this up. It's there already---you're just hiding it. It will come out. There is nothing to lose. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm not sure what you mean by "straddling someone" and that would be the big deal for me because it seems to me a boundary was crossed, whether she straddled a guy or a girl. Something about that action made you uncomfortable.

I'd feel that way, too, with someone I'm dating. I don't want anyone I'm dating to straddle anyone else publicly or privately. But, people have different boundaries about their behaviors as to what's appropriate and what's not.

Do you think this might be more of a boundary issue with you than a trust issue? You just were uncomfortable with what you saw not because you're concerned it may go farther but just because it seemed crude and/or inappropriate to you?

Edited January 3, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, DawcyKe said:

I understand, I really wanna kinda, clear the water, I'm hoping to have a discussion about it at some point with her.

Ok, since it's just 6 weeks into this, you may want to ask yourself if you are comfortable dating someone who engages in frottage right in front of you.

Dating is not about political correctness, it about finding a compatible situation.

It may be time to reflect if you two were better off as friends if her boundaries and appropriateness are this nebulous and disrespectful.

If you confront her, it doesn't mean she'll change for you.

Edited January 3, 2021 by Wiseman2