usa1ah Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 17 minutes ago, Elu said: Hello All! Thank you guys so much for all the advice. I appreciate each and everyone of you. I noticed that many people have said that I shouldn't tell her about the trip and live out my own life. Value myself, don't be needy. I get all that. However, it's quite difficult since the time we have been together (2 years), we have told each other almost everything when it comes to leaving on a trip or going somewhere that constitutes some time away from each other. I feel that if I didn't tell her, it would be the same as stabbing her in the back since we always tell each other these things. And yes, this trip has been in the works for about a few weeks or so, but like @LivingWaterPlease said, we were definitely focused on tough relationship issues so I never really mentioned it. But you are no longer together. The two of you have separated and not talking. No need to tell her what is up. Did the two of you discuss that the two of you would not see others during the separation? 1 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Elu said: Hello All!...I noticed that many people have said that I shouldn't tell her about the trip and live out my own life... However, it's quite difficult since the time we have been together (2 years), we have told each other almost everything when it comes to leaving on a trip or going somewhere that constitutes some time away from each other. I feel that if I didn't tell her, it would be the same as stabbing her in the back since we always tell each other these things. As one who told you not to tell her I have to recognize that there are dynamics to your relationship that can't possibly be surmised from the few posts you've written. So, though I advised you not to tell her, I don't hold a hard line on that advice in view of the fact that you feel strongly you should tell her and there are several other posters whose judgment I respect who seem to, also. Although I wouldn't do it, that's just me from my perspective. Edited January 3, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease 1
Gaeta Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 (edited) Elu: do you know where she is right now? Do you think she would tell you if she decided to go out of town to a friend or a cousin? I don't think she would. She put your relationship on hold, the dynamic you had before does not apply anymore. You don't text her good morning anymore do you, she doesn't send you random pictures either. It's all on hold. I'm not a mind reader but i've been where you are and the reason you want to tell her about the trip is because you want to talk to her and maybe she'll give you hint on where she stands. What's the big problem if she doesn't know you're out of town? If she calls you'll pick up right? , i don't see the big deal here. Edited January 3, 2021 by Gaeta 4
Author Elu Posted January 3, 2021 Author Posted January 3, 2021 @usalah We never mentioned not seeing each other during the separation. @livingwaterplease Yes, it is true that I've been very vague about the dynamics of the relationship. I'm sorry about that and thank you for your perspective. @gaeta Yes, I do know where she is right now. I know her entire schedule from week to week. She also knows mine. She would tell me if she went out of town.
Gaeta Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 6 minutes ago, Elu said: @gaeta Yes, I do know where she is right now. I know her entire schedule from week to week. She also knows mine. She would tell me if she went out of town. You know if she is home tonight? You track each other's phone? You may know her work schedule but she won't tell you her whereabouts. You are leaving in 4 days. By then you will have been apart 6 days. You will still feel you need to report to her then if she has not reached to you at all? If you still feel you must tell her then tell her on your way to the airport. 1 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 13 minutes ago, Elu said: @livingwaterplease Yes, it is true that I've been very vague about the dynamics of the relationship. I'm sorry about that and thank you for your perspective. I understand the need for anonymity; however, the more you can define the relationship and the issues the better the feedback will be. 2
Versacehottie Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 14 hours ago, Elu said: Hello All! Thank you guys so much for all the advice. I appreciate each and everyone of you. I noticed that many people have said that I shouldn't tell her about the trip and live out my own life. Value myself, don't be needy. I get all that. However, it's quite difficult since the time we have been together (2 years), we have told each other almost everything when it comes to leaving on a trip or going somewhere that constitutes some time away from each other. I feel that if I didn't tell her, it would be the same as stabbing her in the back since we always tell each other these things. And yes, this trip has been in the works for about a few weeks or so, but like @LivingWaterPlease said, we were definitely focused on tough relationship issues so I never really mentioned it. Bolded^^^^ ok but if you are on a break or whatever vague-ness is going on, IMO, it's important to "be different". It's a shake up to wake up! In a way, you are going on about it like you are still together completely and in the SAME EXACT way. When maybe you have to treat it like: these privileges only come when we are a couple! Also very real problem: what if she DGAF or could care less or brushes it off or acts like "why are you telling me this?" when you tell her some information about you trip? If someone steps out of your life for a period of time, they KNOW they are going to miss things that go on in your life! Also if you are getting a public award, I'm assuming that you are a public person or public person at least within your industry. In other words, she has a way to find out and you should let her miss out of some of the glory of being with you. Not offer it up on a platter, as if she has no obligations for this access to you. In a way, I think if we could get to the real movies of "why" you want her to know is that you want to impress her with this honor being bestowed and hope it will help win her back. I think not letting her know but she will eventually find out does that much more 3
dramafreezone Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 (edited) She said she needs to think about it, you said ok. Leave it at that IMO. I think it's fine to tell her you're going on the business trip just to let her know since it's been 2 years, it's something you would've normally mentioned to her and you didn't mention it this time. I think not telling her about the trip is also fine, that can go either way and it's a minor detail in the big picture. Other than that, leave any further communication up to her. She will be in touch with you once she has clarity. Don't overthink this. Edited January 3, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
poppyfields Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Versacehottie said: It's a shake up to wake up! I love that phrase V, mind if I steal? Many people are afraid of the "shake up," but it's often necessary to "wake up" to reality whether it be your feelings/emotions, or whether to stay or go. Or anything really. Change can be a good thing! And perhaps this being overly accountable for every single thing you do was suffocating your relationship. Personally I would find it stifling, oppressive. Could never be in a relationship like that. Given the new circumstances, I see no reason to tell her you are leaving town unless she reaches out to you prior. Edited January 3, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Marc878 Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 If you chase they always move farther away from you. Let her go. She’s already gone anyway. 2 1
CollinW Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 The relationship is over. Anytime a woman needs to separate and contemplate whether she wants to be with you or not means she doesn't, but will stay if it means loss of convenience. How many relationships truly come back from this point? It's much better to just rip the bandaid off, break up and date each other starting fresh if the opportunity presents itself in the future. 4
usa1ah Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 18 hours ago, Elu said: @usalah We never mentioned not seeing each other during the separation. @livingwaterplease Yes, it is true that I've been very vague about the dynamics of the relationship. I'm sorry about that and thank you for your perspective. @gaeta Yes, I do know where she is right now. I know her entire schedule from week to week. She also knows mine. She would tell me if she went out of town. That isn’t what I asked? Did the two of you agree to not see other people during your separation? There are instances where one partner says that they shouldn’t see others just to do so themselves. A guy posted about his gf making that stipulation. He followed it and she slept with two other guys. She then used the excuse that they were separated at the time, even though she is the one to make the stipulation.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 (edited) It doesn't matter--literally--if you tell her you're out of town or not. You're only going away for a few days right? You're not going away for a month. So, it doesn't matter--anymore than if you decided to go 50 extra miles to a new grocery store. Since you don't feel things are fully settled--as if you're really broken up--just don't sleep with someone until you guys formally finalize things. Edited January 3, 2021 by Lotsgoingon 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 16 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: It doesn't matter--literally--if you tell her you're out of town or not. I was about to say the same thing. I don't mentioning it - or not - is going to change the outcome here. 1
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