Elu Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 Hey Everyone! I am in quite a dilemma right now. My girlfriend and I have been arguing for the past month. After long talks and winding conversations, we still couldn't come to a clear conclusion. We both analyzed each others faults, we weighed out the pros and cons. It finally came to a point where we had to decide whether we wanted to work it out or break up. For me, I wanted to work it out. I know that fixing relationships are difficult especially when foundations are broken. However, I try to be optimistic and see the better things in life. Some people can't change, but some can. I'm hoping for the latter. For her, she also wants to work it out. However, she is stuck in the loop on whether or not she wants to work it out. She is thinking "what's the point of moving on and trying to fix things when there's a possibility of these issues resurfacing again?" So now, we are at a point where I believe she could change but she doesn't know if I can. She told me that she needed some time to think about it. I told her "okay" but never really asked how much time she needed. It has been 2 days already and I would love to not rush her. However, I will be going on a business trip to accept an award in 4 days. I have not told her about this trip yet since I didn't want it to hinder her thought process. I would love to hear an answer from her before the trip since I need to focus on the trip itself and the following work that needs to be done. Should I ask how much more time she needs to think due to the trip coming up? If so, how should I say it? Or.... should I not tell her about the trip and just give her the space she needs right now to think? Regardless, I will eventually have to tell her since the trip is in 4 days. Last question, how much time should I give her to think? Thanks
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 What she is doing right now is live without you and see how she feels about it. She will need more than 2 days. Go on your trip, l don't see why you need to tell her, you don't mention living together. Let her get back to you in her time. What's the rush? Honestly, she has one foot out the door. I would give her till you get back from your trip, if by then she is not 100% on board to work on your relationship then end it. 5
ShyViolet Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 She's not going to have an exact answer to your question, of how much time she needs. It's not like she's going to be able to tell you "I need 16 days." You are seeing this as a little too black and white. Just go on your trip and don't talk to her for a while. Give her space. See if she contacts you. See if she misses you. If she is feeling ambivalent and unsure about being with you, then you shouldn't be together. Don't beg someone to be with you who isn't excited about being with you. 1
Author Elu Posted January 2, 2021 Author Posted January 2, 2021 @Gaeta The trip is 5 days. I have been together with her for 2 years now. So I feel obligated to tell her about these things.
Wiseman2 Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 14 minutes ago, Elu said: @Gaeta The trip is 5 days. I have been together with her for 2 years now. So I feel obligated to tell her about these things. Yes, let her know you'll be out of town, that's basic communication. Do your issues have solutions or are you finding fault with each other to the point of expecting each other to change? If the issues have solutions, then it's worth exploring that. If the issues are basic personality characteristics, then you may have to accept that you are incompatible. 1
basil67 Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) Of course you should tell her about the trip. Just don't combine any relationship issues into telling her that you're taking a short trip. Now, of these things you both are looking at changing, do you both see your own self as faulty and desire change? Or are you changing to keep the other happy? Edited January 2, 2021 by basil67
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 I think it's preferable he keeps radio silence until she calls. So what he goes in a trip? If she calls him he'll pick up. I don't see why he should give her his agenda. She's not giving him her agenda or any type of time frame for absence. I am sure she would not warn him she leaves ttown for a couple of days. 2 1
guest569 Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 I wouldn't contact her, especially not with "have you made a decision yet? Cause I gotta know now". If she contacts you, you can let her know you're away and will catch up when you return? Go on the trip, celebrate your award and try your best to forget her for now. But sorry you're in this position, it's pretty tough, I've been there. 1
salparadise Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: I think it's preferable he keeps radio silence until she calls. So what he goes in a trip? If she calls him he'll pick up. I don't see why he should give her his agenda. She's not giving him her agenda or any type of time frame for absence. I am sure she would not warn him she leaves ttown for a couple of days. Yup, you hit the nail of the head. When women say they need time, what they're doing is finishing the process of checking out... they prefer to do so first, then deliver the death knell after they've moved on. The only thing that's going to save this is if our OP does the 180 and acts like he doesn't give a shyt. If she feels like she's not the one in control, is scared of losing something valuable, and that he's already taking full advantage of his new-found freedom... maybe. OP, don't contact her. Don't be needy or servile. Go on the trip and be sure to post some stuff on social media of you having a wonderful time. If you could manage to be surrounded by some young hotties, all the better. You need to be the one flying this thing, and making her feel lucky to go along for the ride. Right now it's the opposite, and I am not optimistic about the outcome. Edited January 2, 2021 by salparadise 2 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) She's likely not going to have an answer for you in the next couple days, OP. Usually if someone needs time to think about whether they want to stay in a relationship, what they're really doing is delaying the inevitable break-up. She might be trying to convince herself to give it another shot, or to concede a little time because she knows you don't want to break up and she feels she owes it you to at least seem like she's debating it - but it sounds like her heart isn't in it anymore, unfortunately. What were the issues you two have been fighting about so much? Edited January 2, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 1
chillii Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) 2 days is nothing are you kidding, Relax and your panicking about going in 4 days time now , settle down. Give her some time if she's not back to you before you go just message explain your going and see how she's feeling when you get back , or while your away , whenever she can still message, talk, if she wants to. She's being smart taking her time , if she does wanna go on , you can talk all you want doesn't mean things just fix next day. Serious things take time to even understand what's happening and to sink in first of all, and that's only the start of it. Edited January 2, 2021 by chillii
Calmandfocused Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 2 hours ago, salparadise said: Yup, you hit the nail of the head. When women say they need time, what they're doing is finishing the process of checking out... they prefer to do so first, then deliver the death knell after they've moved on. The only thing that's going to save this is if our OP does the 180 and acts like he doesn't give a shyt. If she feels like she's not the one in control, is scared of losing something valuable, and that he's already taking full advantage of his new-found freedom... maybe. OP, don't contact her. Don't be needy or servile. Go on the trip and be sure to post some stuff on social media of you having a wonderful time. If you could manage to be surrounded by some young hotties, all the better. You need to be the one flying this thing, and making her feel lucky to go along for the ride. Right now it's the opposite, and I am not optimistic about the outcome. I like this advice. To clarify I do not advocate playing games, nor do I agree with all the 180 advice. People have emotions for a reason. Good reasons... anyway I digress... Irrespective of the outcome, and your girlfriends “decision”, you need to get on with your life. You don’t want to give the impression (maybe the last impression) that you cannot function without her and that your life has stopped whilst waiting for her. It hasn’t. Don’t let yourself be devalued in her eyes. Say nothing is my advice. Go on your trip and take your mind off it. She will contact you when she’s ready. How long that will be is anyone’s guess. 1
usa1ah Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 Sounds like it is time to move on. Most people ask for space so they can see other people. There are so many stories on this site alone that this is the case. It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if you found her on some dating sites. 1
chillii Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) She'd be an absolute idiot as would anyone else to go start seeing other people right now after all that, hence why so many of them are so fkd up . But yep , she might be wanting out, your just gonna have to give her time and see what she comes back with op. Or any hounding right now will def' finish the job.. Edited January 2, 2021 by chillii
smackie9 Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 I have a question....do you really need to change? Does she really need to change? Maybe you two are just too different, and it's just an incompatibility issue. We really can't help you when being so vague. When posters don't reveal important information that usually means they don't want people telling them it's a loss cause, when they know it truly is. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 You two have problems you don't even see. In 5 days you are going on a trip that your GF of 2 years doesn't know about yet. The trip didn't just "come up". You had to have known about it in the past month while you two have been having this disagreement. But you kept that info from her & now plan on traveling without ever letting her know. In her shoes I'd dump you just for that. Whatever this recurring issue is, it won't be fixed over night. A habit takes at least 30 days to form / break. A lifelong pattern takes several months. If you want to repair what's wrong in a relationship. you work together. Taking time off is just a baby step toward breaking up so the person who asked for the break can prove to themselves that they can live without you. She's on that path. Your trip should have been enough of a cooling off period to realign whatever & teach you that you miss each other. Instead you are using it as a passive aggressive weapon
Versacehottie Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 12 hours ago, Gaeta said: What she is doing right now is live without you and see how she feels about it. She will need more than 2 days. Go on your trip, l don't see why you need to tell her, you don't mention living together. Let her get back to you in her time. What's the rush? Honestly, she has one foot out the door. I would give her till you get back from your trip, if by then she is not 100% on board to work on your relationship then end it. I agree that you don't need to tell her for an arbitrary reason the upcoming trip date. That's just forcing the issue so you can have a clear head--which you won't really...if she gives you a good answer, you won't be able to concentrate; if she gives you a bad answer, you won't be able to concentrate. If she leaves you stuck in limbo, you are right in the position you are in right now--so there is no reason to tell her for now. I think if you happen to talk then you can should mention it as it is just a part of your "real" life outside of her. In fact, I think that would be best whether it happens before or after the trip---you would be signaling to her that you life will continue with or without her and that will probably be more magnetic to her that rushing to tell her what's going on AS IF she should care (pressure). I don't know how long you should give her to make up her mind. THAT shouldn't be arbitrary at all. That's not a factor of what some internet strangers tell you but what you feel inside. I would guess an average is 2 weeks to a month. I would say though if by a month passing and she doesn't have an answer for you and you cannot decide what you feel like doing that you proceed as if you are NOT together. Good luck
poppyfields Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 12 hours ago, Elu said: Should I ask how much more time she needs to think due to the trip coming up? Why? For what purpose? To add more pressure to an already tenuous situation? It also sounds terribly needy. Not to mention, even assuming she's being sincere, there would be no way for her to know. She may know now it's never going to work and using this "break" as a way to ease out gradually. The second she told you she needed time to think, was the moment you start moving on. Consider it a "break up" and act accordingly. This "needing a break" business is such BS. It's unkind. It's keeping you dangling on a string, wondering. My advice is be stronger than that and don't allow it. Break = break up. Wish her well and begin the healing and moving on process. That is what I would do if in the same situation. I'm sorry man, tough situation. 1
Mrin Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) Two options: 1) Don't mention it to her. Just go on the trip. Toss some pics up on social media if you want but don't go out of your way if you normally wouldn't. Or; 2) send "hey there. Hope you're doing well. Just want to let you know I'm headed out of town on a business trip for 5 days starting Monday. All the best." I'd probably go with #1 Edited January 2, 2021 by Mrin
Lotsgoingon Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 Dude, you've dated someone for two years. You can talk to them whenever you want. Why are you asking if there is a right time? The right time is when YOU want to talk. So you can put in a request if you want. She may or may not agree. But you're treating her like she's a boss that you just got assigned to earlier this week--like you have to learn to read her mysterious signals--and you can't approach them directly to ask them what they mean. You seem scared of her (very easy to do in relationship). And if you act this way in the rest of the relationship (worrying about her even as you think about what you want) then I can confidently say this relationship is NOT satisfying for you. Sounds codependent and enmeshed. There is no amount of timing precision---wait a day, wait a week--that matters here. None. You're at bedrock--the bottom of the relationship and its foundation. No amount of games are relevant. Your gf is at least thinking! You're not thinking. You're worried about what she's thinking. Huge difference. Why is it smart to stay in this relationship?! I'm asking you. Don't tell me what she thinks and feels. Tell me why YOU want to stay in the relationship. I'm thinking you could use a break and go read about codependency and enmeshment. 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) I wouldn't tell her about the trip because it's going to feel like pressure to her which is the last thing you want to do. I also wouldn't post photos with hotties on social media, though. That will just complicate things IF she's breaking up with you or not, IMO. It gives her an out to vent about with others, thus reinforcing a negative image about you. Assuming that her feeling you can't change is negative. I'm not suggesting you have issues related to other women. It may add that issue, though, to the mix. And you don't want her to come back to you because she's jealous. What I might do is to post a photo of you receiving your award on social media along with a sentence or two about feeling honored and humbled to receive the award. To see that you're on a trip, receiving an award creates a compelling image of confidence and the ability to go on with your life happily, excelling! Best thing she could see! And it will have an extra punch to it because for her it's unexpected. She may feel a little left in the dust, which would be good, it seems to me. Let her have a taste of what she's dishing out to you. A taste that makes you appear on top of the world! I do agree with d0nnivain in that if this trip has been in the works for awhile I'm not sure why you didn't mention it earlier. However, if it came up during the time you guys were focusing on intense relationship issues it is understandable that you wouldn't have mentioned it. Now is not the time, IMO, however, to mention it. Edited January 2, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease 2
princessaurora Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 When these "breaks", happen, the best thing you can do is live your own life and show her you're a strong independent person. Being clingy or begging her to stay will only drive her further away. Trust me, I've been there. It will be hard at first and you may have to fake it till you make it, but eventually you'll get there. I agree with livingwater, post about the award and how great it makes you feel, but yeah, leave other women out if it. While this may pull her attention back in the short term due to jealousy, it would only work temporarily. It could also come back to bite you in the butt depending on what' s making her doubt the relationship. 2
Author Elu Posted January 3, 2021 Author Posted January 3, 2021 Hello All! Thank you guys so much for all the advice. I appreciate each and everyone of you. I noticed that many people have said that I shouldn't tell her about the trip and live out my own life. Value myself, don't be needy. I get all that. However, it's quite difficult since the time we have been together (2 years), we have told each other almost everything when it comes to leaving on a trip or going somewhere that constitutes some time away from each other. I feel that if I didn't tell her, it would be the same as stabbing her in the back since we always tell each other these things. And yes, this trip has been in the works for about a few weeks or so, but like @LivingWaterPlease said, we were definitely focused on tough relationship issues so I never really mentioned it.
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