Has my wife cheated

[Boz]

Hi just thoughts please.

My wife went on a course with work a year or so ago well before Covid. She was away 1 night and returned as normal and nothing unusual was felt or said until a few weeks later she said that 1 of her colleagues she went out for a drink with had sexually harassed her and she didn't know what to do. I told her to report him but she didn't want to.

After a bit of digging she said that the 2 of them were walking back to their rooms which were next door to each other and he was pestering her for sex. He was knocking on the door of an adjoining room and telling her he was hard and that he was very well endowed..saying he was about to come via text and was she playing with herself. I had phoned her in between all this and she never mentioned it.

She said he had text her loads even after the return home but said she had deleted them all when I asked to see them. One when she was out the room I found 2 texts and 1 said about him being naughty when he said a sexual remark and another about a similar course suggesting they get similar adjoining rooms with LOL at the end of the text.  The next time we had sex weeks later she said be careful it might be a bit uncomfortable because we hadn't had sex for a couple of weeks..she has never said that before and it wasn't uncomfortable at all.

A few weeks after she was on another course and I met her after work and she kissed everyone as she does and 1 of her male colleagues said that he was disappointed as he thought she only kissed him. A bit later while we were shopping I asked her who her colleagues were and she named them but when I asked who the lad was she said oh you won't know him and left it at that. A few months later she randomly said that she only knew 1 well endowed man and that was her ex and I replied what about your work colleague and she replied oh I forgot about him and said but you obviously never.

A bit I forgot to mention was when we were out 1 night she told me he was 11 inches and that he was tempting if he was a bit older. She also sent him a xmas card along with other colleagues. Just seems odd when she was so upset at first and was asking me what to do about it..this may not be put across well but I hope you can get the theme of it..I just would like to know what other people think..no intentions of bringing it up again just would like to know. Thanks 

Edited January 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

Ask her why she keeps talking about other men's "endowments".

You have no way of knowing if she cheated but it's a weird conversation to have,no?

[salparadise]

So you don't know that anything actually happened, only that she told you the colleague was coming on to her and continues to proposition her via text? And your question is whether or not we think she has actually had sex with him already? Is that correct?

She certainly seems to relish the sexualized attention. I don't know what to think about the fact that she's sharing so much, and in such detail, with you. I think most wives would try to keep it all secretive if something actually happened, but perhaps she is different and bringing you into the loop is titillating, part of the fun... especially if she were confident that doing so would not result in severe consequences. Or maybe she's gauging your reaction before deciding? 

What is obvious is that she enjoys pushing at the edges and saying enough to make you suspicious and jealous. I have no idea what to make of all the talk about well endowed men, and her saying that her colleague is 11 inches (was this all in the same conversation). How would she know... oh yea, he probably said that when he was knocking on the door trying to get into her room. She's either taking his word for it, or didn't have her ruler handy (and is terrible at estimating), because the odds of an 11 incher knocking on her door are about the same as hitting mega-million lotto on your first ticket. Since she is so forthcoming, I'd just ask her straight up. 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

I do not think your wife cheated on you.  I think she has no idea how to shut down this perv at work. 

Try supporting her & helping her to establish boundaries instead of being suspicious.  If she won't report him she at least needs to tell him to bug off.  She feels vulnerable enough thanks to this predator.  She doesn't need you to make her feel worse, like she deserves this

[Gaeta]

Deleted text can be retrieved on her cloud back up. 

I don't know why your mind went straight to 'cheating'. While I was reading your story I was afraid to read she was raped. If she doesn't report him one day this guy will end up hurting a woman for real. If I were you I'd stop being suspicious of cheating and be a loving and protective husband and work with her so she reports him. 

[Alvi]

Unless there is someone who is a psychic on this board, none of us can tell you with a 100% accuracy. Well, even  psychics tend to be wrong from time to time. We can only speculate, nothing more.

Where some boundaries crossed? Yes, definitely. She seems to like the attention from men from your words.  Should she have handled the first guy differently? For sure. But maybe she got scared and didn't want to make any waves by reporting him. But for what it worth, I don't think she has actually cheated on you. But do talk to her first before making any assumptions. 

[Boz]

Thanks for the replies..for the record I was supportive,  what threw me was the random " oh you won't know him " when I asked who he was even though she told me who the rest were,  why she would randomly come out with " I only know one guy with a big c##k " when according to her previous, she knows 2 as if she was playing him down and also why would you be be reacting and treating the guy normal when you say he was sexually harassing you and you were upset...

I thought she was bringing it up before one of her work colleagues mentioned it as I know some quite well..She told me the guy was very good looking and she also told me in the past that a guy she worked closely with who again she told me she fancied, that his mother had come up to and warned her off him , saying " you're married " to her and also that her best friend also thought she was having an affair with him.

Why would she tell me these things and why would her best friend and the guys mother say these things to her if they did.  I know the guy quite well and know he fancied her because he was always eying her up even when he was getting married so he's a definite player.  Just thought it was all strange and things I didn't need to know .Thanks again. 

Edited January 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Boz said:

 I only know one guy with a big c##k "

She told me the guy was very good looking and she also told me in the past that a guy she worked closely with who again she told me she fancied

that his mother had come up to and warned her off him , saying " you're married "

that her best friend also thought she was having an affair with him.

Honestly, I find it hard to understand. In my world gf/wife don't talk to their husband about who's got a big d!ck and who they fancy to have sex with. Your wife acts so trashy that mothers and friends notice. I would not be with someone like this. 

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Boz said:

She told me the guy was very good looking and she also told me in the past that a guy she worked closely with who again she told me she fancied, that his mother had come up to and warned her off him , saying " you're married " to her and also that her best friend also thought she was having an affair with him.Why would she tell me these things and why would her best friend and the guys mother say these things to her if they did.  I know the guy quite well and know he fancied her because he was always eying her up even when he was getting married so he's a definite player.  Just thought it was all strange and things I didn't need to know .Thanks again. 

I agree with the idea that she liked the attention (at least some of it, probably not the hotel door stuff, although who knows). Possibly, she told you all this so you'd know the full story (or at least all of the most relevant parts to your worries about possible infidelity). Possibly there actually was an affair, but people can sometimes misinterpret or read to much into things. Possibly the guy's mother has seen him screw around with married women before and doesn't like it.

Overall it sounds like your wife likes to flirt. If that bothers you a lot, you might want to have a calm, non-accusatory discussion about boundaries and/or how you're not happy with it. Ultimately you can't really control what other people may do, but she may be okay with toning it down quite a lot so weird stuff like you describe doesn't happen again.

[usa1ah]

It could simply be that she is cheating on you with him. Her little snippets of info is just to brag in her way that you can’t do a thing about it. 

[FudgeSwirl]

Unwarranted sexual attention can be frightening, but your wife's tales are inappropriate though they do not mean she cheated.   After that situation at the hotel she did the right thing by telling somebody and while there are many reasons why people don't report sexual harassment she should have at least blocked him.  It sounds like your wife enjoys sparking jealousy.  Is it normal to be attracted to other people when married?  Absolutely.  However the things she tells you aren't normal things to disclose to your spouse.

As @mark clemson stated you should have a discussion with her about boundaries.   

[Zona]

Trust your gut. It is rarely wrong.

Retrieve the deleted texts with either recovery software, or by having a data recovery specialist do it. You may consider putting a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car or in the house where she spends alone time, like where she puts on makeup.

Some pretty huge red flags here. Do some detective work so you can find the truth. The fact that she knows the size of her work colleague's junk would really bother me, especially since he was trying to sleep with her by her own admission. It's not something that comes up in polite conversation!

Edited January 3, 2021 by Zona

[Boz]

Once again thanks for the replies..my gut is she likes the attention as she always has but I was unsure due to the change from being really upset to treating the guy as a normal work colleague,  I would expect her to give him a wide birth,  then to randomly come out with the other comments made me think she was trying to cover up in case something was said by one of her work friends.  Anyway really appreciate the feedback and I will let you know if anything changes. 

[Wiseman2]

Why is she talking to you about the size of men's penises?

Is this something you two enjoy talking about as a form of fantasy talk and foreplay?

If not then you'll need to get to the bottom of this situation and either support her efforts to get rid of this creep or find out what goes on during these business trips.

Ask her point blank why she's telling you all this and what you can do to help. See what the response is.

Edited January 3, 2021 by Wiseman2

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Is your wife naive? Kissing all her coworkers is what made me think so. If so, could it be she sees you as her best friend who she tells everything to while being oblivious to how it affects you? If she is naive, she has no idea how to shut this guy down and needs you to intervene to help her do it. He sounds very practiced at demanding sex from any woman he pleases, treating women like objects, and having no concern for anyone's boundaries. He is a predator. I don't think your wife is skilled at dealing with predators. You have to jump in on this. 

[M2724]

Hi Boz.  I think you need to be very careful here.  You would be amazed how many women go home talking about what an idiot / pest / pervert / sleazeball the new guy at work is, and how annoying they are.  They mention them several times, and then suddenly they do not mention the guy.  Then, a little while later, the husband finds the wife is now texting the same guy regularly, claiming it is 'nothing' / just a joke / he's harmless.  Then the wife starts finding reasons to work late, and starts guarding her phone or hiding it.  It is a very well-trodden pathway into infidelity. 

On another forum, a guy's wife came home complaining about a lecherous player at work who behaved inappropriately with the women in the office.  One day she came home and complained that the guy had grabbed her hand and put it on his crotch, asking her what she thought.  She claimed to be outraged.  Guess what?  She had an affair with the guy, and ended up treating her husband like crap.  So do not think that a woman saying a guy at work is an idiot, etc, should be taken at face value.  It means that the guy has made an impact, and got the woman unsettled, and that gets her thinking about him.  The fact that the guys goes from being an annoyance, to a friend, to a good friend, should be ringing alarm bells, because it is an ongoing journey with a very predictable destination.

I also think it is concerning that your wife is describing her male workmates as attractive, and fixating on the size of their dicks.  When that guy was pounding on the door, talking about the size of his dick, he planted a seed in your wife's mind that is quite clearly developing exactly as he intended; she is thinking about his dick, and she is curious about it.  A curious woman can be very easily manipulated, or even try to satisfy her curiosity without a lot more pressure.  Do not play down the significance of what she is saying, because she may be testing you to see how suspicious you are, or if you have noticed something fishy going on.  No wife just mentions the size of a workmate's penis out of the blue, with no ulterior reason.

Next time she says or does anything like that again, you need to ask her what is going on.  It sounds like she keeps dropping clues to you.   

[Pottering About]

Sorry mate but there is something wrong in the kingdom of Denmark and I think you know it. You seem quite placid but I would be mad as hell at her and let her know my displeasure.

What would I do here? Options include (and I would tell her this);

- telling her how uncomfortable you are with this and asking her to either transfer or leave her job;

- tell her to report the sexual harassment to her HR department;

- report him to your wife’s HR team at work for the original sexual harassment yourself;

- approach his wife (if he is married);

- draft a No Contact letter to this man with your wife, threatening going to HR, and watching as she sends it;

- telling her you want all of her passwords to her social media and phone;

- telling her you are going to retrieve the deleted texts and she has one last chance to tell you all that has happened;

- ask her to come up with a solution or tell her she can move out;

- give her the 180 until SHE takes responsibility;

- all of the above!

 

I WOULD DAMN SURE TURN UP AT THE NEXT CONFERENCE IF IT INVOLVED AN OVERNIGHT STAY AND/OR PICK HER UP IF IT WAS ONLY DAY TIME. 

Whatever, you do, I would not let her rug sweep this or tell you how stupid you are being. Both YOU and her need to wake up and do something about this. Please do not let her doing nothing about it because others have already told you what is going to happen and we have seen this type of scenario play out on here so many times.

If she objects to any of this, then you know where her priorities lie 

See if she likes the attention then and what the OM’s subsequent inter-actions with your wife will be.  
 

There will probably be people coming on here defending your wife’s right to privacy or telling you not to be controlling and so on (and on, and on). Don’t listen, you have rights as well. Do you really want to let this progress until you are using key loggers, snooping through mobile phones and social accounts or, even worse, being the first cuckold in spring?
 

 

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, Pottering About said:

If she objects to any of this, then you know where her priorities lie

So, with sanity?

 

6 hours ago, Pottering About said:

There will probably be people coming on here defending your wife’s right to privacy or telling you not to be controlling and so on (and on, and on). Don’t listen, you have rights as well.

 

What kind of person decides FOR his wife that she WILL report something to HR at work? Shouldn't SHE have some choice in the matter? You are aware that reports to HR frequently backfire, no? Sorry hon, you get to get your work life made more complicated because of  - what, exactly? Paranoid suppositions?

How about starting with asking her to just not talk to the guy instead of jumping to the conclusion that she's about to sleep with him. You COULD be right, but there are saner ways to derail that (assuming it's even happening at all).

Seriously, IF you really need to pull all this crap to feel safe in your marriage, just do yourself a favor and get divorced, and then do everyone else a favor and STAY THAT WAY. And if the wife has any spine she'll shut this bullcr*p down.

Don't get me wrong, she SHOULD be willing to make some concessions, but not all of this baloney. "You WILL write a letter to this guy". Appropriate response: "Go f*ck yourself, I'm hiring a lawyer." 

It's too bad some women (and men) don't have sufficient emotional or financial security and end up putting up with this kind of deranged nonsense.

SMH.

Edited January 3, 2021 by mark clemson

[pepperbird2]

Just my opinion but if I were being treated by a  guy at work the way your spouse seems to be, I would complain to HR. Give him a written warning first and then go to HR.

She seems to have chosen a different route. I have no idea if she is cheating or not...what is your gut telling you? Is this something that you've felt before, or is it unique to the way she's been taking about this particular man?

[Uruktopi]

My friend,

One of a well populated set of meaningless mantras will tell you that you can´t control her.

In fact they are saying that you shoudn´t. And may be they are right, exception made of a subtle but still important point.

You still can and should "control" if she remains married to you under the conditions you described.

Be sure she is aware of this in no uncertain terms.

Else, the price of her ohhhhhh so sacred authonomy would be that she can control you, what seems it´s happening.

 

[Pottering About]

Mark Clemson, firstly, my comment offered possible options, not dictats. These are designed to get the OP AND HIS WIFE THINKING TOGETHER about how to respond to wholly inappropriate text messages from a man who, amongst other things and by his wife’s own admission, said he was coming and was she playing with herself. Are you really comfortable with that? Does that still come under the term paranoid suspicion?  Do you really think that a sexual predator should be allowed to harass women in that way? Your comment seizes on one option and one option only.

Secondly, there are in my mind, two elements here. Is she going to/ has she already slept with him? I don’t know but I do think she is starting to get in a fog. Why did she delete the texts and why has she done a 180 on the way she feels?  
 

The other element is the behaviour of the man at the conference and after, pestering (at the very least) a colleague for sex, making unacceptable subsequent texts about the size of his penis and the state of his sexual arousal then continuing that pressure by suggesting adjoining rooms in the future. Would you want a man like this around your wife at work? Do you think a jolly little chat is going to sort it out? Is this his first time doing this and do you think it will be his last?  
 

This forum is about people responding to requests for advice. You can disagree with their opinions and challenge them but there is a way in which you should do this. Questioning sanity, SMH, referring to pulling this crap, calling something baloney is, frankly, below you and the quality of comment that you otherwise make.
 

I have no intention of hijacking this thread through any long running debate/argument with you. I would suggest, in this case, we agree to disagree.

Edited January 4, 2021 by Pottering About
Update

[Marc878]

Turn him in to HR yourself without warning.

get some copies of emails. Just send them to yourself and send those to HR.

you are playing with fire and apt to get burnt whether you know it or not.

it’s your life, wife and marriage why would you not defend it?
 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Boz said:

 treating the guy as a normal work colleague,  I would expect her to give him a wide birth,  then to randomly come out with the other comments made me think she was trying to cover up in case something was said by one of her work friends.  

Of course only she has a standing in this and therefore if she thinks it's sexual harassment, she can discuss it with her employer.

You however can not. It's all hearsay coming from a spouse.

If you think your marriage is in peril  or she's cheating on business trips,insist on marriage therapy to get appropriate expert advice.

[Marc878]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Of course only she has a standing in this and therefore if she thinks it's sexual harassment, she can discuss it with her employer.

You however can not. It's all hearsay coming from a spouse.

If you think your marriage is in peril  or she's cheating on business trips,insist on marriage therapy to get appropriate expert advice.

Not if he has clear evidence like emails from him to her.

you might have a 50% chance of getting a decent marriage counselor from what I’ve seen. 

Edited January 4, 2021 by Marc878

[basil67]

I'm female and holding up a ruler.  Can't wrap my head around any woman suggesting that 11 inches is tempting.    I wouldn't take such a comment seriously.