Worth saving. rebound. or real?

[John Dutton]

Happy New Year

I appreciate advise on my situation,

i am going through a divorce, I’m no longer attached emotionally with my ex, it took a awhile,

Our friends (not close) split up over a year ago, her and I always got along,

6-months after her break up, she texted me, I new she was grieving, we talked, chatted went for coffee, and eventually started seeing each other.

That was 10-months ago.

we get along extremely well, ..and have fallen in love. Im pretty sure...I haven’t enjoyed myself this much with anyone..

Her ex is still priority #1. she jumps when he calls, changes plans with me  if he comes to her house.. (they have a business, but her cut her out, she can’t see what he does financially)

she cuts him up one day..buts it’s ok the next.. a pattern Ive seen. If I saw a word about him she jumps on me. Her kids are in there 20’s

Well, it got to the point where i felt second to everything...yes I agree kids come first.. but she treats them like babies...and they walk all over her..

She spent christmas with me, my son and her son. Boxing day she went to be with her daughter, daughters boyfriend, and her ex ended up coming over. they had dinner together. .I was thrown off and was defensive too much.. on how she caters to him when he treats her so bad..

I have an issue that she wants me, or says so .. but i’m never a priority.

She wants space as of yesterday. She wants to keep our relationship, leave her stuff at my place, but she is offended that I was defensive and said never until now ,red flags came up. 

I said I appreciate her being honest, and when she is ready I would like to discuss her wants , needs and expectations of our relationship, because she did butter me up over the past 10-months.. She said she has no wants or needs ..maybe expectations...I didn’t say anything but I was thrown off by that reply because we started making plans.

I don’t know if this is real, rebound or worth saving.. why? because I would like to be a priority someday to someone.

I will definitely respect her request to have space..

We talked everyday..everyday..texted etc.

Now I don’t know how much I should contact her, or should I just wait for her...

That’s about it, any feedback would be appreciated, posits or negative.

 

Thanks

[ExpatInItaly]

It is absolutely a rebound, yes.

And no, it's not worth saving. You could be waiting a very, very long time. Her heart and mind are primarily with him, not you, and that's not the basis for a relationship. I would let her go altogether. This doesn't have the legs to last. 

She is afraid to be alone so she doesn't want you go anywhere; that sort of arrangement works for her. She's still in love with her ex and prioritizes him over you  - yet she can come to you for attention and affection when he's not supplying it. She isn't with you for the right reasons, unfortunately. 

Edited January 1, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, John Dutton said:

6-months after her break up, she texted me

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately she's not ready willing or able to date right now.

Is she still legally married? Doesn't really seem like an "ex", more like they may reconcile.

Although she is familiar to you and offered comfort and companionship after your divorce, she's not a good candidate for dating.

She's high risk for headaches and heartaches you just don't need back-to-back after divorce.

Distance yourself from her.

Instead get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women.

Edited January 1, 2021 by Wiseman2

[JSmith123]

She's clearly not over her ex, that's so obvious.

Tell her you are ending this 'relationship' until she has moved on from him and stopped involving him in her life so much.

An ex belongs in the past, not the present.

[primer]

That is not worth saving. You need someone that wants the same as you. 

[d0nnivain]

It's not worth saving.  At best she was your transition person -- that 1st person you had sex with & tried out relationship training wheels -- to experience the difference of not your marriage.  

Move along to someone who is actually available to date you

Since she wants space, you can wait for her to contact you & then tell her that during your break you realized this was a bad a idea.  Then leave it at that.  No need to add drama right now. 

[Gaeta]

If she works with him and sees him every day she is looking at YEARS of work to detach from him, I know I've been there. In 2004 I separated from an ex, he owned the company and I was (still am) his vp. It took me 4 years to detached myself. Actually I only let go the day he got remarried 4 years later. 

[smackie9]

She's got horrible baggage written all over her...ditch her and move on. So you got caught up in the infatuation....that isn't grounds for a long lasting relationship. It's all a sham and your brain needs to acknowledge that. There is better out there sir and I suggest you take that opportunity to move on and date others.

Edited January 1, 2021 by smackie9

[trident_2020]

You're in the role of the other man and you'll always be a distant second.

Doesn't sound like you want to be playing that game so go find a woman who isn't attached to the guy who came before you.

Why settle for sloppy seconds when there's so many available single women out there?

[dangerous]

I agree with the others. She is not OUT of the ex-relationship.

You will get very hurt if you continue to invest in this.

Get out now.

[Miss Spider]

Yeah… Sorry to say this man but she doesn’t seem that into it anymore. She might be tied up with her ex still. Regardless, she’s losing interest in you. I would back off of her. Like, way off. I still think like with most of these stories,  even if you salvage it, you will not be salvaging much of anything. Maybe a relationship with a person who was lukewarm/had doubts about you and most likely will again sooner or later . But since that is your goal, that’s my suggestion. 

Edited January 6, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes