primer Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 This year I decided not to attend my family's Christmas gathering. Instead I stayed home by myself. Over the years my family (two sisters) has not been compassionate. I am not in a position where I can handle more belittling. I have been berated for getting a college degree, quitting jobs, moving, etc. Nothing I do is right. They tell me I am too sensitive. I know I am not a bad person. I am not a criminal and I am self-supporting. Things they berate me for are not bad things. Now they are mad at me for not attending the family Christmas gathering. Will they ever accept me and my decisions? Am I too sensitive? Do other people get treated this way?
Happy Lemming Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 42 minutes ago, primer said: I am not in a position where I can handle more belittling. I was in the same boat when I lived local to my family. I got tired of my sister putting me down and making jokes about me, so I stopped attending family get functions, as well. In my sister's case, I think she was jealous of the fact that I was single and had no kids. I could do whatever I wanted, whereas she was stuck in her life. Maybe it made her feel better (about her situation) to put me down and make jokes at my expense. One Thanksgiving, she made a negative comment at the dinner table and that was the last straw. I just left in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner, never to return again. After that I went to the truck stop and ate Thanksgiving dinner with the "over the road" truckers. They had the most interesting stories and were glad to have a new audience to listen to them. Once I started moving around and being nomadic, I had a built in excuse not to attend holiday functions. I'd ship small gifts to my parents and nephew and leave it at that. I would visit my parents during the summer months, stating the roads were safer because there was no chance of snow and ice. For the record, I haven't spoke to my sister in over 25 years and I'm happier for it. You did the right thing, no need to subject yourself to anything negative, especially during a pandemic. 3
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 When did berating started? is it as far as you can remember or it started in your adulthood? Could it be motivated by jealousy as you give yourself goals and do what it takes to obtain them?
Watercolors Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Well, they do realize there is a pandemic happening don’t they? Nobody should visit their families right now. I didn’t. I FaceTimed with my family for birthdays, and Thanksgiving and Christmas and will for NYE. Since I caught Covid anyway, maybe it wouldn’t have mattered. But I just don’t want to take any more risks with my health or with their health. Your family sounds dysfunctional, if you are being attacked for being independent and successful. No, you are not too sensitive. No, you are not a bad person. If you can learn to manage your expectations with your dysfunctional family members, then, their bad behavior will stop disappointing you and you’ll just come to expect it. Don’t let their sniping, berating, critiquing of you, bother you anymore. Detach yourself emotionally from them. Stop sharing your life with them. Stop going to them for emotional support. Find other people in your life, for those roles. Lots of adults are in your situation, where their family system is screwed up and the family members are mean or toxic. I learned to manage expectations with several toxic family members. I took action of estranging myself from family who don’t add any value to my life, other than remind me (in their view) of what a horrible person I am. And I know that I’m not a horrible person. Read up on sibling estrangement and how to manage expectations with toxic family members. There’s tons of blogs and articles written by psychologists that dole out good advice.
Ellener Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 1 hour ago, primer said: I have been berated for getting a college degree, That tells it all! Ignore their appraisal of your life, you're doing fine without them. I didn't talk to my dad for two years once, told him we were only writing to each other, because I was so sick of his 'phone criticism. Set your own boundaries and break the pattern, or go your own way and limit contact. Good luck! By the way, my father 'got it' after a while and we stayed in touch for his remaining years; the last conversation we had before he died he was aphasic, wanted to tell me things he could not remember so all he kept saying was my name and 'I love you'. That's my lovely memory of him now, people do sometimes change patterns of relating. I don't think my father even realised I felt undermined until I insisted he stop.
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) I don't know if you are too sensitive or not. I don't know if they are truly berating you or if you just perceive it that way. It doesn't really matter. What matters is how you feel. If you chose to do certain things -- like get a degree or skip Christmas -- because you wanted to & those decisions gave you peace, who cares what your family thinks? Stop letting their opinion be something you give a flying fig about. When you get there, you will have peace. My mom criticized a lot of my decisions. My toxic cousin also never had nice things to say. For whatever reason it was earlier to shrug off my mom's criticisms then my cousin's but once I learned that their opinions were about them & not me, it became so much more fun to march to my drummer. I liked the tune & what they thought didn't matter so much. Learn to reply with banal dismissiveness along the lines of "thanks for your opinion" without taking anything they say to heart. It's not easy because we'd all rather hear the accolades but when you know they won't be forthcoming if you can stop expecting them, it hurts less when they don't come. I literally sat through Christmas dinner listening to everyone around me throw snarky nasty comments at each other in a sick game of one upsmanship. I whispered to DH that now I remembered why I avoided these people for 5 years. Edited December 31, 2020 by d0nnivain 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 1 hour ago, primer said: Over the years my family (two sisters) has not been compassionate. I am not in a position where I can handle more belittling. I have been berated for getting a college degree, quitting jobs, moving, etc. Nothing I do is right. You made the right call, not only because of family conflicts/unpleasantness bit also covid.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Sometimes distance is the best answer. I visited my parents for Thanksgiving and stayed two nights as opposed to the usual one night, and it was one night too long. My dad has a son from his first marriage who was spoiled and has always been riddled with problems. My parents were nice for the first day. Then my brother's drama started up and it was a bunch of fighting and venting that completely exhausted me. After Thanksgiving, I was in a slump for weeks. It took me until a few days ago to figure out that all their drama and fighting triggered past emotional trauma. I've done some meditations and other things to work through it. Since then, I've told my mom I can't listen to anymore griping and complaining about my half-brother because I have my own stuff to deal with. I'm dialing back the visits and keeping them short. Tonight will be the first NYE I've spent alone maybe ever, and I'm fine with it. They say if you want to become very strong, learn to be truly happy alone, and I'm working on that. 1
FMW Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) My dad died four years ago and I don't have siblings. Because of COVID, our large family gatherings for both Thanksgiving and Christmas were cancelled, so there was no way I was going to leave my mom alone for either. Although I would personally be fine alone, I know she would not. I spent a few nights with her over Thanksgiving, and only one night over Christmas. Both trips were emotionally exhausting, she insists on bringing up political, religious and racial topics that she knows we have very different opinions on. She also somehow always manages to get in a few comments about not having grandchildren every time I see her (I'm 55 for cripes sake). For Christmas she also added in how several of her friends thought it was sad I was only spending one night with her. I still haven't completely gotten out of the "off" mood it put me in. Tonight should be great, celebrating the New Year with the guy I'm involved with and two of our really good friends. Fortunately this has never been a night that my family celebrated together so I can enjoy a stress and guilt free holiday. Family can really push our buttons, they can be both a blessing (if you're lucky) and a curse. Edited December 31, 2020 by FMW 1 1
Author primer Posted December 31, 2020 Author Posted December 31, 2020 My adult niece was not happy with me. I told her I was not in a good place and I could not handle a family gathering. I cannot handle being shamed anymore. She didn't understand why we couldn't all be together. Ummm . . . . Does anyone care about my feelings or the state of my mental health? It's almost like I am supposed to accept the abuse just so everyone can be together. (The pandemic has nothing to do with this.)
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 1 minute ago, primer said: Ummm . . . . Does anyone care about my feelings or the state of my mental health? It's almost like I am supposed to accept the abuse just so everyone can be together. A wise person once said: "Guilt is the feeling that you need to take care of other people." But you have to take care of yourself and be strong before you can be there for anyone else. Someone in a good, loving place wouldn't try to make you feel guilty. Try to ignore it. I never let anyone guilt me. I do plenty for friends and family. If they expect more, it's not my problem. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 1 minute ago, primer said: My adult niece was not happy with me. I told her I was not in a good place and I could not handle a family gathering. I cannot handle being shamed anymore. She didn't understand why we couldn't all be together. Ummm . . . . Does anyone care about my feelings or the state of my mental health? It's almost like I am supposed to accept the abuse just so everyone can be together. Who knows? She probably can't see what's going on with you because she has so much going on with her own stuff, she can't see past that. You do not have to be shamed just to be together but your niece's version of a Merry Christmas probably includes you all being there. Your absence screwed up her version. That's not your problem or your responsibility. Maybe she doesn't know how you feel shamed or picked on. Maybe she doesn't care. As an adult she should be more sensitive but as a "subordinate" generation her own spot in the family dynamic probably precludes her from seeing your issue because she's looking up. Still you have now explained it to her so she should respect that. If she's not toxic at other times spend time with her, without the others. If she's part of the problem, ignore her. A little over 15 years ago I started to rebel against my role as the baby of the family, where everybody thought they had the right to tell me what to do. Bear in mind I was pushing 40 at the time; had an advanced degree; owned my own home & my own business & probably had more money in the bank than most of them. I would quietly tell my family members that their opinions about my life were not welcome & certain subjects were off limits. Most dialed it back but one cousin would always pick on a particularly sore subject especially when she had been drinking. On two separate occasions, I roared back at her to everyone's shock. I was pretty unkind when I told her where to get off. A few years later another cousin said everyone was shocked by my new attitude because "it came out of no where". I explained that it had not come out of the blue but had been building for years; it was just that until I yelled, nobody heard me or took what I was saying seriously. I reiterated how & why I had my act together far more then most of them. At that point he started to appreciate the logic of what I was saying & he even took steps to get his own life in order. After a 3rd blow up with the toxic cousin I disappeared for 4 years. It helped & this year I was able to just sit there quietly taking in all the dysfunction without interjecting. They were all pathetic but it didn't hurt me so much. DH & I whispered to ourselves about where we wanted to spend next Christmas without them assuming the world was open again. Do what you know is best for yourself. 1
FMW Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 22 minutes ago, primer said: My adult niece was not happy with me. You know that's her problem though, not yours. She should be the one feeling guilty/bad for making you feel bad, but it's apparently not something she's capable of. We have to learn to make peace with disappointing other people. It's hard, and honestly most of us will never quite get there 100%. But do your best to not let them drag you further down. Do what you need to block out their noise. Unfortunately family is not always the place we find support and comfort. 2
Watercolors Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 53 minutes ago, primer said: My adult niece was not happy with me. I told her I was not in a good place and I could not handle a family gathering. I cannot handle being shamed anymore. She didn't understand why we couldn't all be together. Ummm . . . . Does anyone care about my feelings or the state of my mental health? It's almost like I am supposed to accept the abuse just so everyone can be together. (The pandemic has nothing to do with this.) Again, give yourself some credit here for setting healthy boundaries with your niece, by explaining to her clearly why you weren’t interested in a family gathering (that has nothing to do with Covid, got it). It doesn’t sound like your family does care about you or your mental health. No, you’re not supposed to just accept their verbal abuse so that they can keep up appearances that you have an intact family unit. Your niece has her own issues. She’s probably just repeating the family’s toxic propaganda to you, about you. Do not take it so personally. Eventually, if you maintain your boundaries by not engaging with your family for holidays or birthdays, and keep the communication to the bare minimum your niece and other family members will start to understand that you are not their punching bag anymore. They can’t abuse you if you don’t put yourself in harm’s way (by being around them). Hang in there. Holidays are the worst. 1
ShyViolet Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 You need to get yourself to a point where you don't care whether they are mad at you. You shouldn't need their acceptance. If they truly treat you badly, then cut them out of your life. This will only continue for as long as you allow it.
Ellener Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 51 minutes ago, Watercolors said: It doesn’t sound like your family does care about you or your mental health. Back in the day in my family it wasn't 'the done thing' to acknowledge mental illness or distress...it's better than it was but clearly there's still a huge lack of understanding in 2020. Happy New Year @primer and everyone.
Watercolors Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 18 minutes ago, Ellener said: Back in the day in my family it wasn't 'the done thing' to acknowledge mental illness or distress...it's better than it was but clearly there's still a huge lack of understanding in 2020. Happy New Year @primer and everyone. True. The stigma of mental illness continues to exist in our society. I don’t think that will ever go away - the stigma. There are certainly more resources such as support groups, different kinds of therapy and outpatient programs and inpatient programs and therapy pets. I think the OP is better off distancing from their family overall. They don’t sound like they have a supportive family system.
alphamale Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 59 minutes ago, Watercolors said: I think the OP is better off distancing from their family overall. They don’t sound like they have a supportive family system. But they are still family Wc...OP should limit exposure to the offending party(s) until they grow up. Sounds to me like they are jealous of you.
Watercolors Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 (edited) 21 hours ago, alphamale said: But they are still family Wc...OP should limit exposure to the offending party(s) until they grow up. Sounds to me like they are jealous of you. Distancing is the same thing as limiting exposure. Edited January 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed insult
deepthinking Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 (edited) "too sensitive"? no..., they are not sensitive enough, not that they want to hear that cuz they are too busy trying to feel right maybe it is time to keep away, or just talk to the least worst one i[f they exist] Edited January 1, 2021 by deepthinking
MsJayne Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 Take no notice of them, they sound rude and ignorant. I speak from vast experience when I say that the benefits of a family-free Christmas far outweigh the offence taken by the various turkeys around the family Christmas table. 2
Pumaza Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 good of you.do what is best for you. hope you had some fun. maybe at some day have a heart to heart with them separtly. about what you feel and hope. if they keep their behaviour, then find your own way to be happy and how and when to allow them around.
Author primer Posted March 21, 2021 Author Posted March 21, 2021 Update: Sister 2 has not been responding to my texts or talking to me since Christmas. We do group texts and emails to update each other about our aging Dad and his doctor's appointments. No response does make it difficult to discuss Dad's needs. Is she going to help? Does she have any suggestions? Thursday, Sister 1 sent an email stating her and her husband will be out of state for a week in April. I thought nice, a vacation for them. She should let me know in case something happens with Dad. Friday, Sister 2 sends an email stating her and her husband will be out of state for a week in April also. They are going the same place as Sister 1! Coincidence?? I think not. This whole time Sister 2 will not communicate with me, she is planning a vacation with Sister 1. (At the Christmas gathering I did not attend, she got mad about something and stormed out, drove for hours in the middle of the night to get home.) Lately I have been feeling pretty good mentally. I figured it was a combination of springtime, busy at work and not hearing from my sisters. Last week's incident has set me back to square one. I am so sick of this! I am considering blocking them on my phone and not communicating at all. What do you think?
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