JackStewart Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 I(21) started dating this girl(18) about 3 weeks after she broke up with her ex of 3 years. (We were friends and I didn’t even think about getting with her until she expressed her feelings for me) Her ex had an extremely hard time copping with her leaving and it wasn’t fun. I exclaimed I was concern it was too soon but she said the relationship was over with over 2 years ago and that she felt trapped and had nobody else to talk to. After we started dating everything was going amazing. We hung out a lot and had no bumps until a week ago. I noticed something was off about her and asked but she said it was nothing. I later found out she had a lot of bad things happen to her very recently such as a friend getting cancer, manager position that wasn’t promise wasn’t given, robbed at the store she worked at, etc. she told me she feels like everything bad happening to her is because she “moved on too soon.” She was talking about her ex. I was and still am confused about this statement cause it could be a karma thing cause she felt bad for the dude or she misses him but she’s told me countless times he was a horrible bf and manipulative and that she would never get back with him. I comforted her and made sure she was ok. I even brought her a little teddy bear and told her everything was going to be ok and that life has its ups and downs. Later that night she said she needed to talk and so I drove over picked her up and we talked. She said that she wants to be with me and always wants me around but she has a feeling in her stomach that won’t go away that something bad is going to happen and that it just isn’t right at this moment. She said she can’t explain how it feels but it’s constantly haunting her. After we talked for 3 hours and she even cried so I hugged her. She asked if we can still hangout and be friends and I said I don’t know if I can do that and after explaining that I wasn’t sure how I would feel about it she had a panic attack and was saying how the thought of me being out of her life is horrible. She didn’t directly say we’re through and after our talk we kissed and hugged for a long time. From here on out I stop talking first and let her come to me and the next day right after she got off work she instantly called me and asked if I can come over and so I said sure. We hung out for a few hours and we even ended up making out for like 20 minutes. (These make outs and kissing sessions were not started by me. She was the one that came on). After I left she texted me saying that she was sorry everything was confusing and that if she could she would make it all go away and that she just knows she needs me in her life. She went on a vacation to Texas and I didn’t text her much and everyday she was the first to text me. She even brought me a few gifts back. Every night except a few nights she face times me and we fall asleep together. I still like this girl a lot and I want her in my life too but on if it’s a relationship I just don’t understand what’s happening and how to deal with it. I’ve asked for so much advice and received many different approaches but don’t know which one to take.
smackie9 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) Stop the relationship. She needs time to grieve the loss of her relationships, and the trauma that has appeared in her life. Suggest she find a good online counselor to talk to. Reassure her you are not out of her life, but she needs to focus on herself, and find other ways to deal with it because this is too difficult for you since you want a relaitonship...it's only fair to take a break. The reason why I suggest this is because if you don't distance yourself you will just end up being a rebound. Edited December 31, 2020 by smackie9 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Is she still in touch with her ex, OP?
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 This has nothing to do with her EX & everything to do with all the other bad stuff in her life. Has she seen or talked to anybody after being robbed? She is probably entitled to some kind of victim counseling after being a crime victim. She may be entitled to counseling for PTSD through workers' compensation at her job. Suggest she ask a manager about setting up a claim. A lot of this is beyond your limited ability to love & support through. Do be there for her. Tell her that her break up with the other guy didn't cause all of this. She's just not that powerful & neither is he. Be sweet. Be there but don't make demands, including sexual ones right now. 1 1
scooby-philly Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 4 hours ago, d0nnivain said: This has nothing to do with her EX & everything to do with all the other bad stuff in her life. A lot of this is beyond your limited ability to love & support through. Do be there for her. The first two lines I kept from d0nnivain's post are spot on....but the truth is...you have to decide if you can be there for her as a friend or if your feelings are too strong. Even without the added trauma you NEVER date someone fresh out of relationship, even if it "ended" 2 years ago and they just didn't pull the plug or know how to. You deserve to get what you are seeking NOW and she deserves time to work on herself, heal, and sort her own feelings out. A lot of relationships, or potential relationships, don't work out because of timing. You'll find someone else. Be a friend and be supportive, but don't give her all of your emotional energy and love because at this point you're probably not going to get anything back and may be negatively impacted by it.
Maldives Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 (edited) Be extremely cautious getting involved with emotionally wounded woman My own experiences with em have been this. They may act out there wounds with you to find answers to past hurts creating scenarios that may push you to behave similarly. Unless you have a deep reservoir of understanding and love and support which I doubt we are all only human the same scenario may play out and she dumps you. Ask her if her dad was emotionally there for her or absent that's another red herring. if she didn't that also plays out in your relationship. If your not invested too much yet knowing what I know now I wouldn't get involved too much emotional baggage. Edited January 1, 2021 by Goodguy05
Wiseman2 Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 12 hours ago, JackStewart said: . I even brought her a little teddy bear and told her everything was going to be ok and that life has its ups and downs. Later that night she said she needed to talk and so I drove over picked her up and we talked.. She said she can’t explain how it feels but it’s constantly haunting her. Sorry to hear that. You've done all you can do. She's simply not ready willing or able to sustain a relationship right now. She needs to reach out to her friends, family and ask her parents to take her to a doctor about her anxiety and a therapist about her recent misfortunes. This is over your head. Step way back and let her get whatever help she needs. Don't be manipulated. If she's too young and too confused or simply not as mature or experienced as you, she may be backing out for those reasons. Don't give her legal advice or play therapist.
Author JackStewart Posted January 1, 2021 Author Posted January 1, 2021 20 hours ago, smackie9 said: Stop the relationship. She needs time to grieve the loss of her relationships, and the trauma that has appeared in her life. Suggest she find a good online counselor to talk to. Reassure her you are not out of her life, but she needs to focus on herself, and find other ways to deal with it because this is too difficult for you since you want a relaitonship...it's only fair to take a break. The reason why I suggest this is because if you don't distance yourself you will just end up being a rebound. This seems like a good solution. Should I just tell I need to talk to her and basically tell her I think it would be in our best interest to not do any of those things such as kissing, holding hands, etc. and to tell her I'm not leaving but giving her space and time to heal and to explain that what we are doing is only stopping her from healing.
d0nnivain Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 12 minutes ago, JackStewart said: Should I just tell I need to talk to her and basically tell her I think it would be in our best interest to not do any of those things such as kissing, holding hands, etc. and to tell her I'm not leaving but giving her space and time to heal and to explain that what we are doing is only stopping her from healing. NO!!!!!!! You dating her has zero impact on her ability to heal. Either be her BF or get out of her life. Don't try to be some platonic friend, sidelining yourself when you really want more. It won't work. She won't magically heal & then fall for you. You can be gentle & romantic without the pressure while encouraging her to talk to professionals about the trauma of the robbery. You can listen while she talks about the person who is dying (died?) of cancer. 1
Author JackStewart Posted January 1, 2021 Author Posted January 1, 2021 15 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: NO!!!!!!! You dating her has zero impact on her ability to heal. Either be her BF or get out of her life. Don't try to be some platonic friend, sidelining yourself when you really want more. It won't work. She won't magically heal & then fall for you. You can be gentle & romantic without the pressure while encouraging her to talk to professionals about the trauma of the robbery. You can listen while she talks about the person who is dying (died?) of cancer. The thing is im not her bf! She broke up with me and said she had a feeling she cant explain in her that says its wrong and something bad will happen 1
Author JackStewart Posted January 1, 2021 Author Posted January 1, 2021 14 hours ago, scooby-philly said: The first two lines I kept from d0nnivain's post are spot on....but the truth is...you have to decide if you can be there for her as a friend or if your feelings are too strong. Even without the added trauma you NEVER date someone fresh out of relationship, even if it "ended" 2 years ago and they just didn't pull the plug or know how to. You deserve to get what you are seeking NOW and she deserves time to work on herself, heal, and sort her own feelings out. A lot of relationships, or potential relationships, don't work out because of timing. You'll find someone else. Be a friend and be supportive, but don't give her all of your emotional energy and love because at this point you're probably not going to get anything back and may be negatively impacted by it. My feelings are way to strong tbh. I should of waited for sure but I wanted her so bad and I guess this is the price i pay.
smackie9 Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 13 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: NO!!!!!!! You dating her has zero impact on her ability to heal. Either be her BF or get out of her life. Don't try to be some platonic friend, sidelining yourself when you really want more. It won't work. She won't magically heal & then fall for you. You can be gentle & romantic without the pressure while encouraging her to talk to professionals about the trauma of the robbery. You can listen while she talks about the person who is dying (died?) of cancer. 30 minutes ago, JackStewart said: This seems like a good solution. Should I just tell I need to talk to her and basically tell her I think it would be in our best interest to not do any of those things such as kissing, holding hands, etc. and to tell her I'm not leaving but giving her space and time to heal and to explain that what we are doing is only stopping her from healing. I mean no hanging out with her being her friend. Distance meaning by not letting her depend on you for daily interaction, but reassure her, when she is ready possibly can revisit dating.
d0nnivain Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 2 minutes ago, JackStewart said: The thing is im not her bf! She broke up with me and said she had a feeling she cant explain in her that says its wrong and something bad will happen If you are not her BF, just walk away. It's not your job to fix her. If you want a fixer up project buy a run down house or an old car. 2
Author JackStewart Posted January 1, 2021 Author Posted January 1, 2021 20 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Is she still in touch with her ex, OP? yes and no. She's blocked him because he blows up her phone and keeps texting her but recently she unblocked him and he started up again
d0nnivain Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 If she has unblocked him it's because she still wants him in her life. There is no room for you because she's not done with him. 1
smackie9 Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 41 minutes ago, JackStewart said: yes and no. She's blocked him because he blows up her phone and keeps texting her but recently she unblocked him and he started up again This^^^^ changes everything. This is why she's coming up with all these excuses not to be your gf. Cut her off, and let the ex pick up the emotional slack. TBH you are a rebound. 3
scooby-philly Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 59 minutes ago, JackStewart said: My feelings are way to strong tbh. I should of waited for sure but I wanted her so bad and I guess this is the price i pay. That's not the attitude to take. Sure...you tried and it didn't work out. But it's just a timing issue. It's not a reflection of your worth or ability. Keep on looking!
Author JackStewart Posted January 1, 2021 Author Posted January 1, 2021 20 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: If she has unblocked him it's because she still wants him in her life. There is no room for you because she's not done with him. I was thinking that but she told me. I didn't even ask her she just straight up told me that he was blowing up her phone again after she unblocked him. She even told me that she told him that they can still be friends and that she wanted to help him out whenever he had problems.
ShyViolet Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 Huge mistake for you to try and get involved with an 18-year-old girl who just got out of a 3-year relationship three weeks ago. So this is basically her first breakup. First breakups are BY FAR the hardest and most filled with drama. She is still going through this breakup basically. She's not emotionally available to even think about starting another relationship with you. It's not gonna happen. Stop wasting your time with this and find a girl who's available. 2
BaileyB Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 (edited) She is going through her first breakup and she is clearly still very invested with this man. Don’t allow her to keep you on a string as Plan B. As hard as it is, you need to tell her that you can’t stay in contact with her - not even as a friend, which she appears to like to do. She needs to make a decision and commit to one relationship. She also clearly needs to learn the lesson that she can’t stay friends with an ex. Edited January 1, 2021 by BaileyB
Author JackStewart Posted January 1, 2021 Author Posted January 1, 2021 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: She only has room for one man in her life, and she has chosen her ex-boyfriend. Don’t allow her to keep you on a string as Plan B. As hard as it is, you need to tell her that you can’t stay in contact with her - not even as a friend, which she appears to like to do. She needs to make a decision and commit to one relationship. Whats confusing about this is she doesn't see him at all. She is either working or at home and when shes home we are hanging out most of the time so I know shes not hanging out with him in person
Author JackStewart Posted January 1, 2021 Author Posted January 1, 2021 3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: Huge mistake for you to try and get involved with an 18-year-old girl who just got out of a 3-year relationship three weeks ago. So this is basically her first breakup. First breakups are BY FAR the hardest and most filled with drama. She is still going through this breakup basically. She's not emotionally available to even think about starting another relationship with you. It's not gonna happen. Stop wasting your time with this and find a girl who's available. Would it be the same if she was the one that broke up with him? Im honestly new to relationships as I said this was my first one.
BaileyB Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, JackStewart said: 5 minutes ago, JackStewart said: She told me that she told him that they can still be friends and that she wanted to help him out whenever he had problems. She may not be hanging out with him, but these two statements make it very clear that she is not done with him. Edited January 1, 2021 by BaileyB
ShyViolet Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 3 minutes ago, JackStewart said: Would it be the same if she was the one that broke up with him? Im honestly new to relationships as I said this was my first one. It doesn't matter who broke up with who. She's clearly still going through drama with him.
ThereSheGoes Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 48 minutes ago, smackie9 said: This^^^^ changes everything. This is why she's coming up with all these excuses not to be your gf. Cut her off, and let the ex pick up the emotional slack. TBH you are a rebound. This. This. This. You are just something to do until she gets back with her boyfriend. Leave her alone. Forget about how you feel towards her. It's done. Walk away. 1
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