tokidoki Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 I recently met up with a girl who I hooked up with a while back. I asked her out back then, but after a bit of faffing about trying to set a date she told me 'her focus was somewhere else'. No biggy, I just left it. A couple months later she got back in touch with me, commenting on some of my IG stuff. I hadn't expected that. I asked her out again and she ignored it for a week, then commented again on something random. I said 'you're making me work too hard' and she suddenly bucked her ideas up and said she wanted to go out, and apologized for not replying. I was already pretty skeptical that this girl was capable of playing games, but I went along anyway. When we were on the date she said that she tends to get a bit anxious/doesn't like feeling vulnerable (who does), and it can come off as disinterest and she will play hard to get, although not intentionally. I said that I just allow my interest in someone to rise and fall depending on how they treat me. Anyway the date went pretty well and we kissed at the end. She messaged me the next day and I asked when she was next free. She was going away over xmas for 2 weeks so I said I'd see her when she was back. Over those two weeks we texted every few days, nothing that serious. A mixture of her initiation and mine. A day or two after she got back, I messaged her again asking 'did they let you back in?' and she said yes they did. So I said 'great, when are you free to get together again?' she ignored this message, despite having been in convo for the previous 5 mins. I gave her benefit of doubt - maybe she went to bed. 24 hours go by and she posts loads of stuff on IG again, no response to my question. Normally I would just ignore this but I felt like I was being taken for a ride, having been patient before. I messaged her again saying 'So are you not interested, or just playing games?' She replied saying 'what games?' I just said not to worry, let's leave it. It was good to get to know you a little bit xx This isn't a tactic or a strategy to win her over or put the ball in my court. I understand if she's nervous/anxious but if that means I have to jump through hoops then I'm not up for it. I like to think that I did the right thing by demonstrating that I'd sooner just walk away, with no hard feelings. Question is - is that better than just ignoring? to me, ignoring is passive aggressive and rude. I'd rather be clear and direct, and I don't think I was impolite.
Acacia98 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) 31 minutes ago, davidsonramirez said: I recently met up with a girl who I hooked up with a while back. I asked her out back then, but after a bit of faffing about trying to set a date she told me 'her focus was somewhere else'. No biggy, I just left it. A couple months later she got back in touch with me, commenting on some of my IG stuff. I hadn't expected that. I asked her out again and she ignored it for a week, then commented again on something random. I said 'you're making me work too hard' and she suddenly bucked her ideas up and said she wanted to go out, and apologized for not replying. I was already pretty skeptical that this girl was capable of playing games, but I went along anyway. When we were on the date she said that she tends to get a bit anxious/doesn't like feeling vulnerable (who does), and it can come off as disinterest and she will play hard to get, although not intentionally. I said that I just allow my interest in someone to rise and fall depending on how they treat me. Anyway the date went pretty well and we kissed at the end. She messaged me the next day and I asked when she was next free. She was going away over xmas for 2 weeks so I said I'd see her when she was back. Over those two weeks we texted every few days, nothing that serious. A mixture of her initiation and mine. A day or two after she got back, I messaged her again asking 'did they let you back in?' and she said yes they did. So I said 'great, when are you free to get together again?' she ignored this message, despite having been in convo for the previous 5 mins. I gave her benefit of doubt - maybe she went to bed. 24 hours go by and she posts loads of stuff on IG again, no response to my question. Normally I would just ignore this but I felt like I was being taken for a ride, having been patient before. I messaged her again saying 'So are you not interested, or just playing games?' She replied saying 'what games?' I just said not to worry, let's leave it. It was good to get to know you a little bit xx This isn't a tactic or a strategy to win her over or put the ball in my court. I understand if she's nervous/anxious but if that means I have to jump through hoops then I'm not up for it. I like to think that I did the right thing by demonstrating that I'd sooner just walk away, with no hard feelings. Question is - is that better than just ignoring? to me, ignoring is passive aggressive and rude. I'd rather be clear and direct, and I don't think I was impolite. You did well. Nothing impolite there. And yes, it's a good idea to move on. Dating is not supposed to be that difficult. And if someone has a condition that has such a detrimental effect on their capacity to interact with others, then it's best for them to put dating on the back burner and get help for their condition. But let's talk more frankly about her behavior: She said she gets nervous and anxious and that gets in her way during interactions with guys... Based on this latest incident, I'm a bit skeptical that that is the primary issue. It may be an issue. But there's something else going on too: maybe she enjoys getting an ego boost but doesn't actually want to make the effort that dating entails (including basic communication). Maybe she's a game player. Or maybe she's flakey. Edited to add: in my books, just ignoring her and moving on in this specific situation would have been okay too. At the end of the day, whether ignoring is preferable to responding as you did comes down to you. You should do what works for you. Edited December 31, 2020 by Acacia98 1
JSmith123 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Off course she's playing games, she knows exactly what she is doing. She is keeping you in orbit to get an ego boost when she needs one. Nothing will ever develop with her. Don't bother contacting her again and find someone who is actually interested in you. 2 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Yeah, just delete and block flaky people like this from all your social media and messaging apps. Make room in your life for and spend time and energy on sincerely interested people.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Don't bother with her. She isn't interested in the same way you are, so you're wasting your time with her. Next!
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 She just sounds too broken. If she can't be straightforward enough to reply to a simple question, what's the point? 1
Author tokidoki Posted January 4, 2021 Author Posted January 4, 2021 so this girl messaged me back after 2 days saying 'the reason I'm not replying is because you didn't give me a chance to respond' (I gave her over 24h). 'I'm not really into that attutide so yeah its probably better to leave it'. I said 'what attitude? it's jsut that the last couple times we've tried to set dates, I've had to wait around for ages, so if that has to happen every time, I'm not really up for it, that's all' She hasn't replied but thinking if she comes correct I might give it one more chance. What do we think 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 1 minute ago, davidsonramirez said: so this girl messaged me back after 2 days saying 'the reason I'm not replying is because you didn't give me a chance to respond' (I gave her over 24h). 'I'm not really into that attutide so yeah its probably better to leave it'. She just wants to make her exit without feeling like the bad guy, so she blames you. Not only is not interested, but she's not mature either. 1
Author tokidoki Posted January 4, 2021 Author Posted January 4, 2021 why would you say she's not interested, rather than just having been caught out playing power games? If she wasn't interested she wouldn't have let it come this far.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 (edited) 30 minutes ago, davidsonramirez said: why would you say she's not interested, rather than just having been caught out playing power games? If she wasn't interested she wouldn't have let it come this far. Because she still isn't agreeing to a date with you, man. You have to let go of the idea that interested girls behave this way. They don't, because they wouldn't want to risk driving you away with immature games. Don't do mental gymnastics with yourself here trying to convince yourself she likes you. She likes having you in her orbit because it puffs up her ego to feel wanted, but that's where it stops. Edited January 4, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 3 2
Wiseman2 Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 1 hour ago, davidsonramirez said: If she wasn't interested she wouldn't have let it come this far. Well, the question is how far have you come, if you can't even set up a meeting and there's just a lot of back-and-forth snark?
Miss Spider Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 (edited) #shesjustnotthatintoyou Next time someone curves you the first time, leave them alone. They made their (bad) decision. Edited January 4, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
smackie9 Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 Wow you hung onto hope waaay too long. Just because they like a few things on your social media doesn't mean they have interest other than friends zoning, letting you be an orbiter. I agree, if they are waffling, being lukewarm, wishy washy, take forever to message or ignore you....those are pretty strong hints they are not that interested. It's not playing hard to get.
CollinW Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 Why would you even want to date a woman that ignored you for so long. Life ain't like the movies dude. If a woman doesn't express enthusiastic interest in you from the jump, she likely isn't that into you.
ShyViolet Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, davidsonramirez said: I said 'what attitude? it's jsut that the last couple times we've tried to set dates, I've had to wait around for ages, so if that has to happen every time, I'm not really up for it, that's all' She hasn't replied but thinking if she comes correct I might give it one more chance. What do we think Oh my goodness, why would you give this girl one more chance? I'm getting exhausted just reading this. It should not be this difficult to set up a date with someone. She is playing games big time, and she's flaky. She's not worth all this trouble. Edited January 4, 2021 by ShyViolet
Lotsgoingon Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 When we were on the date she said that she tends to get a bit anxious/doesn't like feeling vulnerable (who does), and it can come off as disinterest and she will play hard to get, although not intentionally. This is really a red flag. Either you're ready to date or you're not. Either you're ready to make the full-out effort to connect with someone or you're not. This warning label--whatever it is--that she sometimes comes off as disinterested, makes no sense. First, if she's aware of the problem, she needs to fix that--and not dump it on a potential lover on the first date. Second, her words are doubly-confusing. So let's say she seems disinterested (as she later does) then what is a partner to conclude? That she's disinterested or that she's anxious? That's a no-win dating situation. I know plenty of people with serious anxiety. I have close friends with severe anxiety. These folks were able to make it known that they wanted to be friends, that they appreciated me and on and on. OP, leave her alone for sure. But yes, you could have noticed that this woman was a dead-end right away.
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