romanticbigman Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 I want to settle in my hometown to be close to my family and friends – I have slept with a few girls a long time ago that are still in circles of friends. They are mainly in my secondary circle of friends in my hometown, although things can change quickly in a small town – my best friend’s brother and another guy in the main circle seem to be in contact with one of the girls. My girlfriend (foreign) feels disgust when she thinks of them being near me. On top of never wanting to go to a social gathering where one is present, she is also uncomfortable when I’m with my friends and they are there. I think my gf will agree to trial living in my hometown if I make a few compromises / sacrifices. She is fine if I invite the lads out for a drink etc and the girls show up, but doesn’t want me to go somewhere that I know the girls already are. I can’t see myself sticking to a blanket rule like this – if all my friends are somewhere (which is rare these days) and one of the girls is there I won’t not go. She wants me to never go to the home of the girls (one I’m closest to lives nearby with my friend – ie her bf). I could agree to this but I imagine I will need some further compromise. Not ideal but neither is discarding a girl I still love.
JSmith123 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 I agree with your girlfriend. There's no reason for you to be mingling with women you have had previous sexual history with. If you can't respect this boundary then you should end things and find someone who is fine with you doing what you are doing and let her find someone who understands boundaries. 2
elaine567 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 This is not going to work. You messed up the bed by sleeping with all these girls in your home town and you are now wanting to settle down there with your new gf. No girl really wants to go and live somewhere where you and she are tripping over your ex conquests. Unfortunately they are mingled with your social circle. She is not going to tolerate it and no doubt if you start sneaking around behind her back and breaking "the rules" to see these friends it will just get worse and worse. Do not assume she will get used to it over time. If you want to keep your gf as a long term prospect, you probably need to consider NOT moving back to your home town. As she is moving her entire life to be with you, then DON'T encourage her to do that if you know that you have no intention of cutting these people off from your life forever. 2
Wiseman2 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 3 hours ago, romanticbigman said: I think my gf will agree to trial living in my hometown if I make a few compromises / sacrifices. I can’t see myself sticking to a blanket rule like this – How long have you been dating? Unfortunately you're incompatible. Why is she aware that you slept with all these women? Don't ask her to move to your town, it's a disaster waiting to happen. You have no intention of sticking to whatever agreed boundaries there are. She'll resent you and it will be an a ongoing argument whenever you go out with friends. Reflect on why you want to continue this if you feel the boundaries are too restrictive.
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 I suppose it depends on how long ago it was & the people involved. Your GF wants bright line rules. In a small town that may be hard to do. Logic isn't going to persuade your GF. Especially as an outsider, she may never feel comfortable. If you want her, you may have to give up the EXs which sounds impossible considering that one lives with your buddy now. If you want them, you will need a different girl who isn't bothered by your past. I suggest that if you get a different girl don't identify the EXs for her; if she asks tell the truth but don't set her up with the info.
Pumaza Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 Why you need to be around or involved with this exes?????????? Do you live in a village of few people??No one would like that. But LDR is not worth it if it dont have plans to marry or unite soon. Because you dont know and see the person in real, you can get mad more easy and get more jealouse when you hear stuff. How old are you guys?
Author romanticbigman Posted January 4, 2021 Author Posted January 4, 2021 We have been dating over 2 years. She found out through looking at an old email with a friend that I have slept around a lot and since then has quizzed me how I know almost every girl. Timewise I slept with them all about 10 years ago, most if not all of them are in relationships now. I am 32, her 29.
Alpacalia Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 Although I understand her feelings of apprehension, are you supposed to refuse to spend time with your friends any time an instance occurs where these women happen to be? I suppose you must to decide if that's something you can live with.
Author romanticbigman Posted January 26, 2021 Author Posted January 26, 2021 Tried talking about it but got nowhere - as well as me, she herself wants to avoid these girls which would be impossible if we settle in my hometown. She would not attend a wedding for example if they were there, and went as far as saying she would worry about our future children becoming friends with their children. She says seeing them will remind her of my past and give her trauma.
Fletch Lives Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 Why did you have to tell her about all your past lovers? Was it really necessary? Openness and honesty are two different things. Stop talking about your exs.
elaine567 Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 On 12/31/2020 at 8:27 PM, d0nnivain said: I suggest that if you get a different girl don't identify the EXs for her; if she asks tell the truth but don't set her up with the info. Ok but this is a small town and he is unlikely to be able to hide all these exes long term, someone is going to let it slip and how is it going to look then?
d0nnivain Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 2 hours ago, romanticbigman said: Tried talking about it but got nowhere - as well as me, she herself wants to avoid these girls which would be impossible if we settle in my hometown. She would not attend a wedding for example if they were there, and went as far as saying she would worry about our future children becoming friends with their children. She says seeing them will remind her of my past and give her trauma. This is completely untenable. I can understand not socializing with EXs regularly but to go this far & to claim that seeing somebody you used to date will "give her trauma" is a misuse of the word trauma.
FMW Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 If you really want to settle in to your hometown then your current girlfriend might no longer fit in your life. You have to choose which is more important to you, because your girlfriend isn't going to change her mind about how she feels. It doesn't matter whether that makes sense to you or anyone else, her feelings are her feelings. Is this the only issue you've run across a problem with your girlfriend? Usually such a big difference in the way you view things shows up in more than just one area.
BaileyB Posted January 26, 2021 Posted January 26, 2021 6 hours ago, d0nnivain said: This is completely untenable. I can understand not socializing with EXs regularly but to go this far & to claim that seeing somebody you used to date will "give her trauma" is a misuse of the word trauma. I agree. I can understand why she is uncomfortable being around your ex’s. It would make me uncomfortable too. But, it’s a small town. This is the problem with a small town, there is nowhere else to go. What would be your best case scenario? Were you planning to step right back in with your friends and have your girlfriend join the gang? Or, would you see your friends and exclude your girlfriend if she is uncomfortable? Are you hoping to make other friends that you socialize with as a couple? Is this even possible, given the population? IF you are trustworthy, there shouldn’t be the need for all these rules. YOU need to make decisions that will support your current relationship. This puts the onus on YOU - don’t go alone to their homes or spend time with these women alone. Maybe that’s the compromise you make. Do it not because she is requiring this, but because you care about her and you want her to feel safe. IF you can’t do this or she can not accept this situation, you have a decision to make. Either you make your home in another community, or you find yourself another girlfriend.
Author romanticbigman Posted February 1, 2021 Author Posted February 1, 2021 Best case scenario would be we live in my hometown and have other social circles we can see together. I would not go the homes of these girls, but at the same time not leave a bar or refuse to go to a gathering just because they are there. If they are there, I would just be polite but not overly warm to them and limit conversation time with them.
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2021 Posted February 1, 2021 9 minutes ago, romanticbigman said: Best case scenario would be we live in my hometown and have other social circles we can see together. You said it yourself it is a small time. She is paranoid about these people so will see them "everywhere." You don't be able to grocery shop, go to church or out to eat without her creating drama because you are still in touch with your EXs.
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