Gaeta Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 You should dump him for a long list of reasons, not only because he doesn't have a car. You live in a 1 bedroom apartment and your boyfriend moved his son in without even asking you. Your boyfriend borrows money off of you and doesn't refund it, he uses your car as if he's entitled to it, he uses you as a taxi driver, is not financially responsible enough to get his own vehicle. Nowadays you can have a horrible credit they're still gonna let you purchase a cheap car. How late is he on paying his share of the rent, utilities, groceries? What's in it for you? 2
Ruby Slippers Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 And he's 10-15 years older, almost 50 with zero savings. Where do you think this is going? This guy will be a drain on you as long as you're with him. Are you planning to do the retirement planning and investing all by yourself? I'd rather go it alone - or better yet, hold out for a real partner who will pull his weight on building a secure future together. This guy clearly isn't that. 1
Ami1uwant Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: I think most employers will assume that their employees have transportation to/from work. If they require him to commute to another location occasionally, his employer is likely assuming that he will be able to make his way to work at the other location. I don’t know that his employer should feel obligated to help this man get to his place of employment... Depends on where you live. in large US cities like DC, nyc, Chicago, SF, Seattle, Boston there are a large number of workers who don’t own cars snd use public transportation. Boses don’t assume they have a car.
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 I know many people without cars in major cities, but they do not mooch like this. As others noted, you can get reimbursed for work related Ubers and car rentals. I’ve worked for places that even have an office paid for uber account so you just automatically bill the company and cite which client/dept is billed. I have a car but also used the uber option when that made sense (usually cheaper than paying for downtown parking if the car was only needed for a part of the day, etc.) Car ownership will be increasingly replaced by on demand services. People who don’t own cars and who have there stuff in order register for multiple car platforms in their area so when they need to drive somewhere (visit a friend in the burbs or take a weekend trip) they can do that and be self sufficient. It never ceases to amaze me why people don’t use the modern services if they opt not to own a car. Or people who drive after drinking (pre covid!) when they can Uber home. 1
introverted1 Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 On 12/31/2020 at 8:22 AM, introverted1 said: Does your bf pay his share of the rent, groceries, utilities, household upkeep? Perhaps he pays more than half to compensate for using your car? If the answer to these questions is "no," then you should move on unless you want to spend the rest of your life supporting your bf. It's been 2 years - he has shown you who he is. @Pinkbird741 Can you please address the above? How does your bf contribute to the household overall? 1
Author Pinkbird741 Posted January 2, 2021 Author Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) As far as rent and groceries, we pay 50/50. Only the car I pay on my own and I gave my old car as a down payment to get this new car which I pay every month for. His oldest son used to live with us but it took the landlord to talk to me so his son could finally move out. So his sons don’t live here but now he’s making it a habit to bring his youngest son. I don’t mind because he’s just visiting but one time his son was in the living room laying in the couch. My brother was going to visit me with his wife and kids and I asked him if he could please tell his son to go someplace else just for a little while. It was going to be awkward for my brother to see a young man laying in my couch he doesn’t even know. He made me feel guilty about this too!!!! He acted like I was being mean by telling him if his son could go someplace else while my brother passed by. It was a short visit and our place is small. I told him I live in this house, not his son. He acts like his son is the owner of the house. And then told me that he pays rent too, so I guess this makes it okay to do whatever he wants. I haven’t left him because he does have other qualities. He helps me a lot in the house. He cleans, he has also washed my car a couple of times (only when he wants too) he’s hard working but terrible in managing money. He wants to support his sons even though they are adults and he has zero money to buy himself a car or just have extra money for emergencies Edited January 2, 2021 by Pinkbird741
introverted1 Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 I'm a little confused by the answer above. If he shares household expenses 50/50, then why do you feel it's your house and not equally his? Have you talked to him about the car situation and either asked him to contribute half to the car payments or let him know that he needs to make his own arrangements? 1
Happy Lemming Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 Let me ask a hypothetical question... Let's say something major broke in the car and it would be down a week while parts were ordered and then installed. What would your BF do for transportation to/from work?? Errands?? Trips for son?? etc.?? Surely, he would have to make other arrangements of some kind?? He'd find a way to rent a vehicle or something along those lines?? Correct?? 1
Happy Lemming Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Pinkbird741 said: I gave my old car as a down payment to get this new... Another question... Why didn't he purchase your old car from you for "Blue Book" or "Fair Market Value" and you could have used those funds as a down payment on the new car. Seems like the perfect opportunity for him to secure his own wheels. He would know the background of the old car and be familiar with it. 2
Acacia98 Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Pinkbird741 said: I don’t mind because he’s just visiting but one time his son was in the living room laying in the couch. My brother was going to visit me with his wife and kids and I asked him if he could please tell his son to go someplace else just for a little while. It was going to be awkward for my brother to see a young man laying in my couch he doesn’t even know. He made me feel guilty about this too!!!! He acted like I was being mean by telling him if his son could go someplace else while my brother passed by. It was a short visit and our place is small. I told him I live in this house, not his son. He acts like his son is the owner of the house. And then told me that he pays rent too, so I guess this makes it okay to do whatever he wants. Asking him to leave the house/apartment sounds over the top. Why not just ask him to sit up on the couch or another seat or to help in the kitchen? If you and your guy had a better relationship, it would make perfect sense for you to want your brother and his family to meet your guy's kid. Edited January 2, 2021 by Acacia98 1
Author Pinkbird741 Posted January 2, 2021 Author Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) The thing is that my brother and I don’t see each other that much. He hasn’t had the opportunity to even meet my boyfriend. The only ones that have met him are my parents. Since our relationship has been a little rocky I was not sure if it was a good idea to introduce him to my brother. It was not the way I wanted to introduce him either. So I asked if his son and him could go out for a moment. In this case it was okay for them to use my car if they had to while my brother came for a moment. i know he pays rent but I really feel like he’s almost forcing me to have his sons come over when he wants to whether I agree or not. What scares me right now is that I’m saving to buy a house and if he moves in, will he feel entitled to my house too? Will I have no say in my own house in the future? He will not put any money for the down payment. Those are all my savings that I’m putting when I buy it. So now I’m holding off to my plans of buying a house. It scares me to move him in. That probably means I will have to accept him and his sons too. The hole package Edited January 2, 2021 by Pinkbird741
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 I would also have been offended if my bf would ask my visiting daughter to leave because his family is visiting. After 2 years you are scared or probably embarassed to introduce a man you've been living with. That says A LOT about this relationship. I still don't see what you get out of this. 2 1
Acacia98 Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 15 minutes ago, Pinkbird741 said: Since our relationship has been a little rocky I was not sure if it was a good idea to introduce him to my brother. It was not the way I wanted to introduce him either. So I asked if his son and him could go out for a moment. (...) What scares me right now is that I’m saving to buy a house and if he moves in, will he feel entitled to my house too? Will I have no say in my own house in the future? He will not put any money for the down payment. Those are all my savings that I’m putting when I buy it. So now I’m holding off to my plans of buying a house. It scares me to move him in. That probably means I will have to accept him and his sons too. The hole package Don't you think it's time to officially end the relationship? I mean, between his being a mooch and your having no respect for him, it's safe to say it's pretty much over, no? 2
cleverusername Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 11 minutes ago, Pinkbird741 said: The thing is that my brother and I don’t see each other that much. He hasn’t had the opportunity to even meet my boyfriend. The only ones that have met him are my parents. Since our relationship has been a little rocky I was not sure if it was a good idea to introduce him to my brother. It was not the way I wanted to introduce him either. So I asked if his son and him could go out for a moment. In this case it was okay for them to use my car if they had to while my brother came for a moment. i know he pays rent but I really feel like he’s almost forcing me to have his sons come over when he wants to whether I agree or not. What scares me right now is that I’m saving to buy a house and if he moves in, will he feel entitled to my house too? Will I have no say in my own house in the future? He will not put any money for the down payment. Those are all my savings that I’m putting when I buy it. So now I’m holding off to my plans of buying a house. It scares me to move him in. That probably means I will have to accept him and his sons too. The hole package Why not create a budget for him? Or take him to a financial planner? Stress the importance of it, no sugar coating or wishy washy talk. Explain that you’re trying to build something together, and in order to secure the future you both want, he needs to do his part. Give it a month or two and see if he follows through. If he can’t commit to building the financial security of you and your future together, he doesn’t have an ounce of care for you or your relationship. Also, I wouldn’t be in the least bit surprised if his credit is terrible, so make sure he has no financial skeletons in the closet.
Happy Lemming Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 If you purchase a house, have him sign a month to month lease... then he is a tenant and you are the landlord. If you want him to lease, give him 30 day notice and he has to leave. If he wants to leave, he gives 30 day notice. Problem solved.
MsJayne Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 21 hours ago, Acacia98 said: This really depends on where one lives. In what circumstances would that apply? I've known a few people without their own transport and they always have to rely on other people to some degree. Unless a person never leaves their local area and never needs to move something large from A to B they will at some time or other be relying on other people to help them out. Unless of course they live in Asia where transporting three live pigs and a crate of chickens to market on a pushbike is perfectly normal. 1
Acacia98 Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 4 minutes ago, MsJayne said: In what circumstances would that apply? I've known a few people without their own transport and they always have to rely on other people to some degree. Unless a person never leaves their local area and never needs to move something large from A to B they will at some time or other be relying on other people to help them out. Unless of course they live in Asia where transporting three live pigs and a crate of chickens to market on a pushbike is perfectly normal. Public transport, cabs, hiring a car, hiring a moving van, paying a friend or relative to help you out occasionally, etc. It's really not that unusual. Plenty of Americans living in large cities do not have cars or rarely use their cars and manage to maintain regular employment. And life outside America offers pretty similar options: public transit, cabs, moving vans, etc.
Gaeta Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 OP and her bf don't appear to be living in a big metropole with public transport at their disposal. There is also where you are located. Using public transport in beautiful sunny California is one thing. Using public transport in Canada at -25 with 80km wind blowing and clear ice under your feet is a totally different experience.
BaileyB Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 8 minutes ago, Gaeta said: OP and her bf don't appear to be living in a big metropole with public transport at their disposal. All the more reason for the man to get his own transportation such that he and his son are not dependent on his girlfriend... 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 (edited) 8 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said: . So I asked if his son and him could go out for a moment. In this case it was okay for them to use my car if they had to while my brother came for a moment. i know he pays rent but I really feel like he’s almost forcing me to have his sons come over when he wants to whether I agree or not. What scares me right now is that I’m saving to buy a house and if he moves in, will he feel entitled to my house too? Will I have no say in my own house in the future? He will not put any money for the down payment. Those are all my savings that I’m putting when I buy it. So now I’m holding off to my plans of buying a house. It scares me to move him in. That probably means I will have to accept him and his sons too. The hole package I wouldn't stay in a R with a guy that I've been with two years and still won't introduce to my family. If you cared about your bf and his son you could have asked the son to lie down in the bedroom for a time so that the couch would be vacant for your brother to sit on. I wouldn't stay in a R with a man who asked me to leave when his family visited, either, though. It seems to me neither you or your bf treat each other well. From all you've written about him and his sons this will never work out. You resent the way he parents his sons. Right or wrong it is what it is and isn't going to change at this point. He's also a poor money manager. The only thing you wrote about him that you like is that he cleans your house and has washed your car twice. You can hire out those jobs. Why not break off the R and find someone you respect you can build a future with? PS I'm still wondering how the son got home from the gf's house. Edited January 3, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease 1
Author Pinkbird741 Posted January 3, 2021 Author Posted January 3, 2021 (edited) We live in Los Angeles and the son’s girlfriend in San Diego. There’s a lot of transportation in the city. When I didn’t have my car I would drive the bus to work and everywhere. Maybe two cars are not necessary for us, but since his son is still dependent of him, I think he needs to get a car for himself or for his son. He’s too protective of his son. I doubt he will make him take a bus. Maybe it’s offensive to tell my BF to tell his son to leave while my brother is here, but my brother rarely comes over. Probably only once a year so it was meaningful to me to receive him that day without feeling uncomfortable and awkward introducing him to both BF and son. thanks so much for all your imput. I don’t know what will happen but my BF has been throwing a tantrum since the day he needed to pick up his son. He even told me himself he wanted to end things. So I lend him my car all this time for nothing. What I did was not meaningful to him. Just because I said no this one time and put a boundary now he no longer needs me. i don’t know if he truly means to end things but that’s what he says. Let’s see if he will really follow through it Edited January 3, 2021 by Pinkbird741
Gaeta Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 7 minutes ago, Pinkbird741 said: without feeling uncomfortable and awkward introducing him to both BF and son. Why would it be awkward and uncomfortable? Are you embarassed of them? 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 12 minutes ago, Pinkbird741 said: i don’t know if he truly means to end things but that’s what he says. Let’s see if he will really follow through it What??? You're basing your R with him on whether or not he'll break up with you over the son's transportation with your car issue? What do YOU want? And why? 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 43 minutes ago, Pinkbird741 said: . He even told me himself he wanted to end things. Sorry to hear that. However now you know for sure he's just using you. 1
Ami1uwant Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 1 hour ago, Pinkbird741 said: We live in Los Angeles and the son’s girlfriend in San Diego. There’s a lot of transportation in the city. When I didn’t have my car I would drive the bus to work and everywhere. Maybe two cars are not necessary for us, but since his son is still dependent of him, I think he needs to get a car for himself or for his son. He’s too protective of his son. I doubt he will make him take a bus. Maybe it’s offensive to tell my BF to tell his son to leave while my brother is here, but my brother rarely comes over. Probably only once a year so it was meaningful to me to receive him that day without feeling uncomfortable and awkward introducing him to both BF and son. thanks so much for all your imput. I don’t know what will happen but my BF has been throwing a tantrum since the day he needed to pick up his son. He even told me himself he wanted to end things. So I lend him my car all this time for nothing. What I did was not meaningful to him. Just because I said no this one time and put a boundary now he no longer needs me. i don’t know if he truly means to end things but that’s what he says. Let’s see if he will really follow through it Why are you looking at his kids like they are his buddies? This is very different. To ask you bfs son to go away because your brother is visiting is a bit offensive. were you guys together when you bought your new car? If so was this strictly your decision ir did you look at it as you two doing this together? FYI California is a community property state. That means if you were married, just because you are the only one linked to the car doesn’t mean it’s your own outside a divorce. Same for a house too. parts of metro LA/ SoCal you can get by without a car.
Recommended Posts