Acacia98 Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 1 hour ago, MsJayne said: It's a basic survival tool - no car means limited work prospects, makes him dependent on other people and public transport, and those things add up to Mr Inadequate. This really depends on where one lives. 1
poppyfields Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 (edited) 53 minutes ago, JSmith123 said: Title is misleading. Dumping someone because they don't have a car is very shallow as well as quite pathetic. Dumping someone because they don't contribute their fair share and expect you to do things for them as if you are their mum just because you are in a relationship is a perfectly valid reason. I agree with all of this. Title should have read "Should I Dump My Boyfriend Because He Is An Immature Self-Centered User/Taker"? Answer: Yes! I mean he's punishing you now by refusing to talk because you won't allow him to continue to use you? Oops sorry, use your car. He can go rent a car to get his son, the man is how old again? I assume an adult? Please OP certainly you can do better than this manchild? Edited January 1, 2021 by poppyfields
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 Richard Branson's mother got fed up of the young six year old Richard, misbehaving in the car on the way to his grandma's house, so 4 miles from grandma's she pushed him out of the car and told him to make his own way there. Quote In a Virgin blog post from 2013, Branson explained that on that day his mom kicked him out of the car, she was punishing him for "causing mischief in the back seat," but his lonely, scary trip to his grandmother's house ended up becoming an experience he would grow to become grateful for, and one symbolic of the way she raised him. He was to always be in control of his emotions and rely on himself to get what he needed.https://www.businessinsider.com/richard-branson-mom-taught-him-take-risks-2016-11?r=US&IR=T 1
Gaeta Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 58 minutes ago, JSmith123 said: Dumping someone because they don't have a car is very shallow as well as quite pathetic. Absolutely not. I will refuse to date anyone that doesn't have a car. I live in the suburb, I have played taxi to my children I will not play taxi to an adult man. Has nothing to do with being shallow. A man without a car is nothing but a passive partner that cannot fully participate to the relationship. 1
poppyfields Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Absolutely not. I will refuse to date anyone that doesn't have a car. I live in the suburb, I have played taxi to my children I will not play taxi to an adult man. Has nothing to do with being shallow. A man without a car is nothing but a passive partner that cannot fully participate to the relationship. Hi Gaeta, I'm wondering what if he was not passive and/or did not expect you to play taxi? But rather was self-sufficient in getting around and would rent a car for your dates? I live in the city where a car is not necessary. It's expensive and sits in the garage 75% of the time. Many people don't have cars, there's Uber, Lyft, Free-Ride, and other modes of easy transportation. I understand you need because you live in the suburbs but what if you met a man who lived in the city? I respect your opinion but the bolded sentence is an unfair assumption imo.. Edited January 1, 2021 by poppyfields
Gaeta Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 (edited) @poppyfields: Actually I came across a man during my dating that lived downtown and didn't have his drivers licence or a car. A very interesting prospect at the time, impressive job, got his life together etc. It really killed my attraction that I would be the only driver on our weekends get away, I'd be the only driver 11 hours to my parents, everywhere we would go I'd be driving and this big guy would be sitting in the helper's seat. I would not be able to rely on him for anything, he wouldn't be able to drive me to a clinic or hospital if I were sick, he wouldn't be able to come to my rescue if my car broke down, he wouldn't be able to stop at the store to grab milk on his way home. Everything would rely on my shoulders, all the time. It's too much. ETA: So lets say I meet a man that has his drivers license but does not own a car, still not viable long term. He'll use Uber to come here a Wednesday night at $45 and use a Uber the following morning to get to work and all maybe $50, and he'll do it again on the weekend to see me? Not viable. To me when in a relationship we have to be able to rely on each other. If my car breaks down I call my bf, I should not have to call a brother because my bf of 50 yo doesn't have a car. If I run late I should be able to count on him to drive kiddo to her tutoring, or pick up the dry cleaning before it closes. Edited January 1, 2021 by Gaeta 1
Ami1uwant Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: Absolutely not. I will refuse to date anyone that doesn't have a car. I live in the suburb, I have played taxi to my children I will not play taxi to an adult man. Has nothing to do with being shallow. A man without a car is nothing but a passive partner that cannot fully participate to the relationship. im disappointed in this. I thought you were better. take into account where people. Some places you don’t need a car and owning one is expensive if you don’t really need it. others might not be able to drive because of medical reasons. I had a seizure disorder that I had to have brain surgery to get rid of one form. I had two forms. The other is controlled with meds. I’ve had periods in my life I could not drive.
Author Pinkbird741 Posted January 2, 2021 Author Posted January 2, 2021 Sorry I wasn’t clear about some things. Basically BF asked me if we could take his son to see his girlfriend. He never mentioned that we also had to pick him up to come back. It was a long trip but I let it pass. So when he told me his son contacted him to be picked up, I just thought it wasn’t my responsibility anymore and they both needed to be more considerate. I have an SUV and it wastes a lot of miles so that’s why I don’t like going to far places. Sure, we are a couple and I’ve let him use my car but if he wants to support his son being in a long distance relationship then he needs a car to drive his son. When his kids are concerned, I think he needs to have his own transportation. I do feel that he’s entitled because he makes me feel guilty when I tell him he should get a car. I pay almost $600 a month for this car which includes my loan, gas, and insurance. BF helps me with gas here and there but I pay every month for it.
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 8 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: I had a seizure disorder that I had to have brain surgery to get rid of one form. I had two forms. The other is controlled with meds. I’ve had periods in my life I could not drive. This is not the same a full grown men that don't want to drive, or don't want to own a car when they could. OP's bf is lazy. He doesn't have a condition that forbid him to get a car. The man I met years ago did not have a medical condition, he did not own a car or had his drivers licence for ideologic reasons. While he lives with his ideologic reasons I'm the one paying registration, gas, insurance, maintenance, tires and drive around. 1
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 2 minutes ago, Pinkbird741 said: I do feel that he’s entitled because he makes me feel guilty when I tell him he should get a car. I pay almost $600 a month for this car which includes my loan, gas, and insurance. BF helps me with gas here and there but I pay every month for it. And I read in your history that the reason your bf doesn't have a car is that he gave his car to his other son ! which is a non sense to me.
Author Pinkbird741 Posted January 2, 2021 Author Posted January 2, 2021 I also forgot that even though I take my boyfriend to work every day because it’s nearby, they want him to commute to another location sometimes and I have gave him my car for this too. so he DOES need a car because it doesn’t make sense that he uses mine when I’m paying for it. He’s not even embarrassed to tell his boss he doesn’t have a car. To him, borrowing cars from others is normal
Ami1uwant Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 13 minutes ago, Gaeta said: This is not the same a full grown men that don't want to drive, or don't want to own a car when they could. OP's bf is lazy. He doesn't have a condition that forbid him to get a car. The man I met years ago did not have a medical condition, he did not own a car or had his drivers licence for ideologic reasons. While he lives with his ideologic reasons I'm the one paying registration, gas, insurance, maintenance, tires and drive around. your words “ I refuse to date someone who doesn’t have a car” no caveats and you imply assumptions as to why he doesn’t drive without finding out why
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 24 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: take into account where people. Some places you don’t need a car and owning one is expensive if you don’t really need it.. I did take that into account, of course I understand people living in the city with everything they need only a few steps away. Poppyfield asked me what *I* would do, my answer is it would not mesh well with my suburb life style and what I expect from a partner.
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 1 minute ago, Ami1uwant said: your words “ I refuse to date someone who doesn’t have a car”no caveats and you imply assumptions as to why he doesn’t drive without finding out why I am honest with you. If I meet a man that cannot drive permanently because of medical reasons I will not pursue. That being said If in the middle of our relationship my partner suddenly became medically unable to drive it would not affect in anyway how I feel about him. 1
poppyfields Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: To me when in a relationship we have to be able to rely on each other. If my car breaks down I call my bf, I should not have to call a brother because my bf of 50 yo doesn't have a car. If I run late I should be able to count on him to drive kiddo to her tutoring, or pick up the dry cleaning before it closes. Fair enough Gaeta. For me, if my fiance did not have a car, I would not need him for these things, so it wouldn't matter to me. Currently, I don't have a car. For one driving causes me a huge amount of anxiety and I'm fairly self-sufficient getting round on my own without. When I owned, I kept having to call AAA to come and charge my battery due to lack of it being driven. Huge PITA! Lol As it stands now, fiance's car has been sitting in the garage, he only uses for emergencies; thankfully none have arisen for a couple of months. We do enjoy drives to the country though but I suppose if he didn't have, we'd just rent one for the day or weekend. I do agree that OP's situation is completely different, he's a user and OP the more you post, the more selfish and cheap he sounds. What are you gonna do? Edited January 2, 2021 by poppyfields
poppyfields Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 36 minutes ago, Pinkbird741 said: I also forgot that even though I take my boyfriend to work every day because it’s nearby, they want him to commute to another location sometimes and I have gave him my car for this too. so he DOES need a car because it doesn’t make sense that he uses mine when I’m paying for it. He’s not even embarrassed to tell his boss he doesn’t have a car. To him, borrowing cars from others is normal Oh my lord Pink, I don't mean to judge but really? What's the appeal? He's a moocher! Can you share some positive things about him? Reasons why you choose to stay? I can't figure it.
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Pinkbird741 said: so he DOES need a car because it doesn’t make sense that he uses mine when I’m paying for it. He’s not even embarrassed to tell his boss he doesn’t have a car. To him, borrowing cars from others is normal What would he do without you? ...he'd find a way to buy a car.
Ami1uwant Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: Fair enough Gaeta. For me, if my fiance did not have a car, I would not need him for these things, so it wouldn't matter to me. Currently, I don't have a car. For one driving causes me a huge amount of anxiety and I'm fairly self-sufficient getting round on my own without. When I owned, I kept having to call AAA to come and charge my battery due to lack of it being driven. Huge PITA! Lol As it stands now, fiance's car has been sitting in the garage, he only uses for emergencies; thankfully none have arisen for a couple of months. We do enjoy drives to the country though but I suppose if he didn't have, we'd just rent one for the day or weekend. I do agree that OP's situation is completely different, he's a user and OP the more you post, the more selfish and cheap he sounds. What are you gonna do? the part I’m not so sure on. to me a user would be likeoneof the other posters said. Seemed to want to date him because he had a car and she could run errands. I think he chose to be willing to date and move in with her because of the fact she worked close to him and if he lived with her or just dated and overnight stayed with her they would drive in together. I don’t get the impression he’s dating her for her car and that he was constantly asker her to drive him places or to use her car. this seems to be more driven by the fact he has kids with another mother and the comp,exitues that come with that. The car is just a prop and not really the deeper issue and a power struggle around what is mine vs yours.it’s the car now. Is it the tv next? I don’t see the issue if he uses her car and drives with it. this can naturally come up in a relationship if each has a car but you rarely use one so do you need two of them.
guest569 Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: take into account where people. Some places you don’t need a car and owning one is expensive if you don’t really need it. But it seems that in this case, the man really does need a car. 1
Ami1uwant Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Pinkbird741 said: I also forgot that even though I take my boyfriend to work every day because it’s nearby, they want him to commute to another location sometimes and I have gave him my car for this too. so he DOES need a car because it doesn’t make sense that he uses mine when I’m paying for it. He’s not even embarrassed to tell his boss he doesn’t have a car. To him, borrowing cars from others is normal He should tell him he doesn’t have a car. If this job is in a place like downtown SF then they can’t assume he has a car. His employer can provide one for him ir reimburse him for an occasional rental. 1
BaileyB Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 I think most employers will assume that their employees have transportation to/from work. If they require him to commute to another location occasionally, his employer is likely assuming that he will be able to make his way to work at the other location. I don’t know that his employer should feel obligated to help this man get to his place of employment...
Ruby Slippers Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: What would he do without you? ...he'd find a way to buy a car. More likely he'd find some other woman to taxi him around. Which would be a huge weight off the OP's shoulders. 1
cleverusername Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) Are you sure he isn’t in some deep financial or legal trouble inhibiting/preventing him from owning or operating his own vehicle? In addition to his lack of savings and initiative of course... Edited January 2, 2021 by cleverusername 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 2 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said: so he DOES need a car because it doesn’t make sense that he uses mine when I’m paying for it. He’s not even embarrassed to tell his boss he doesn’t have a car. To him, borrowing cars from others is normal It makes sense to him. He's shameless in using other people, has no pride, isn't embarrassed in the slightest. I'd rather crawl under a rock than ask my boyfriend to taxi me around indefinitely. Most men would be even more ashamed to be this kind of burden on a woman. Not him. Not only does he take advantage - he takes it a step further by giving you a guilt trip if you resist the exploitation. I have no idea how anyone could think this is the best they can do. 2
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 2 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said: Sorry I wasn’t clear about some things. Basically BF asked me if we could take his son to see his girlfriend. He never mentioned that we also had to pick him up to come back. Just curious. Has this happened before? Where you take the son somewhere but he finds another way home? To me, there are two different issues. 1. The guy is using your car all the time bc he doesn't have his own, which he promised he'd get what, two years ago? 2. The guy asked to use your car to take his son to see the gf, you allowed it, and now your bf is upset because you don't want him to use your car to pick his son up. I suppose by now your bf's son is home, right? How did he get there? In whose car? IMO, if you're going to allow them to use your car to go somewhere it makes sense to allow them to use it to come back. However, from all you've written you resent your bf using your car. So you shouldn't allow him to do so. Depending on other issues, most of which we know nothing about, the decision to share your car with him is up to you. But, don't do it if you don't want to. Nothing says you have to. It's YOUR decision and the fact that he's doing it is because you've allowed it. Someone asked, "Why do you allow it? What is it about him that you like so much that you would stay with him when you don't respect him?" I'm curious about that, too. In most circumstances I wouldn't date someone who doesn't have a dependable car. I guess if the person took an uber everywhere that would be OK with me. But, where I live one needs a car! If a guy took an uber to my house and depended on my car to take me on a date it would be a no go for me. However, when I was in college neither I nor my bf had a car. I did have money and I paid for all our dates. When we married my parents gave us a car. Shortly thereafter I quit work because my H had a great career. So, dating a guy without a car is not always such a bad idea. We did have an interesting experience, though, in college when a friend took us on a double date. We sat in the back and part of the floor of the car was missing! That's right! Lol! We watched the road whiz by through this hole that was at least ten inches in diameter, maybe more! Had my ex had a beautiful car I wouldn't have had that fun experience!
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