Author Pinkbird741 Posted December 31, 2020 Author Posted December 31, 2020 Thanks for all your responses. Right now my BF is giving me the silent treatment for not letting him use my car. His son is still at his girlfriend’s house and now he can’t come back since my BF ran out of solutions. Am I supposed to make an exception because it’s New Years Eve? Again, my BF’s lack of transportation shouldn’t be my problem and I don’t think anything will get better if I just let him get away with it and give him my car. But he’s making me feel guilty for his son not able to come back. by the way, we live in California and our state is the epicenter of the pandemic right now. There are state orders to not go visit any relatives that live outside your household. My boyfriend’s son shouldn’t be at anyone else’s house. But is that my problem too?
Happy Lemming Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 4 minutes ago, Pinkbird741 said: His son is still at his girlfriend’s house and now he can’t come back since my BF ran out of solutions. I just checked Greyhound bus service is still running in California, have BF get him a ticket. "Go Greyhound and Leave the Driving to Us" 3
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Your bf is being ridiculous. Also another option is getting an on-demand car, gig car, zip car etc. Not sure where in CA he is but these cars are all over. I agree with the previous comments that this is not your responsibility, and the Covid issue (I am also in CA) is major. He should not have even left to visit his gf. 1
Happy Lemming Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 21 minutes ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said: Your bf is being ridiculous. Also another option is getting an on-demand car, gig car, zip car etc. Not sure where in CA he is but these cars are all over. You are correct, I completely forgot about these services. There is also Turo rental car service, as well. Good thinking ClearEyes!!
Gaeta Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 I will chime in about the 18 year old dating. No AND NO. I would not pay for my teen dating, I would not pay for her transit outside of town to go see a boy. My teen and I spoke about this distance dating not long ago as she started chatting with a boy living 1,5 hour away. Until she's in college with her driving license it's a big fat no. And I have no problem applying and maintaining my 'no'. 1
BaileyB Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 1 hour ago, Pinkbird741 said: by the way, we live in California and our state is the epicenter of the pandemic right now. There are state orders to not go visit any relatives that live outside your household. My boyfriend’s son shouldn’t be at anyone else’s house. But is that my problem too? Yes, it is your problem because they both live in your home. That doesn’t mean that you have to bail them out. But, you will eventually have to deal with the problem. The car is only the topic of the current disagreement. There is a much larger problem here. You live with a guy who is quite happy to mooch off you and then blames you, disrespects you, and attempts to manipulate you with the silent treatment when you try to establish a boundary. He is teaching his son to mooch off you and disrespect you. I would suggest that you not waste two more years trying to make this work... 6
Ellener Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 2 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said: Right now my BF is giving me the silent treatment He'll get over it. The young man is in a safe place, he'll be ok there for now, or I expect his girlfriend's parents will drop him off if they don't want him to stay. Seems to be a frequent issue on LS, 'co-parenting', when people get involved with a partner with children but the relationship isn't yet permanent: parenting ideas vary so much, and young people always come first.
ThereSheGoes Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 My issue is more with his entitlement and laziness than the fact he doesn't have a car. He needs the boot. 1
Versacehottie Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 3 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said: Thanks for all your responses. Right now my BF is giving me the silent treatment for not letting him use my car. His son is still at his girlfriend’s house and now he can’t come back since my BF ran out of solutions. Am I supposed to make an exception because it’s New Years Eve? Again, my BF’s lack of transportation shouldn’t be my problem and I don’t think anything will get better if I just let him get away with it and give him my car. But he’s making me feel guilty for his son not able to come back. by the way, we live in California and our state is the epicenter of the pandemic right now. There are state orders to not go visit any relatives that live outside your household. My boyfriend’s son shouldn’t be at anyone else’s house. But is that my problem too? absolutely not. Actually tonight would be a terrible night to make an exception. If you want the bf's son out of his gf's house now, then perhaps you go together to go pick him up now. That's just a practicality because of it being NYE and your car. Depending on where in CA you live (i live in LA), you should do it soon if at all. If you live in LA, there's some speculation that people will be driving to Orange County tonight because the police and authorities are not going to enforce lockdown there whereas in LA Country they absolutely are. So the thought is lots of people will drive to OC to go party this year. That's lots of potentially drunk people on the road in addition to the normal NYE drunk people. I'm a little confused about where the son lives. I think if he lives with you and your boyfriend, because of the pandemic, you have a say about how he is interacting with others during this time or he can't live at your place. I'm going to guess it's not equitable with the cost of living at your home together with your boyfriend. So the reasons to leave your boyfriend and this mess are just piling up. Also the son is 18 so throw him out if it's your place. Why have all these deadbeats on your coattails?
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 (edited) Pinkbird, why did you let the bf take the car with his son in it if you weren't going to let him use it to pick up his son? It makes no sense to me why you'd be with a guy who is over twenty-five and has no car in the first place. But what was your thinking on if you'd let your bf take the car to pick up his son? I think you should have told him before he left that he could take the son there but couldn't use the car to pick the son up if that was your intention in the first place. To me, this dysfunction is as much your issue as your bf's and/or his son's. Edited January 1, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 7 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said: . Right now my BF is giving me the silent treatment for not letting him use my car. Why be manipulated? Do you need his presence? Sadly deeper than the car or living you issue, is the sad realization that he's just using you.
Ami1uwant Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 8 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said: Thanks for all your responses. Right now my BF is giving me the silent treatment for not letting him use my car. His son is still at his girlfriend’s house and now he can’t come back since my BF ran out of solutions. Am I supposed to make an exception because it’s New Years Eve? Again, my BF’s lack of transportation shouldn’t be my problem and I don’t think anything will get better if I just let him get away with it and give him my car. But he’s making me feel guilty for his son not able to come back. by the way, we live in California and our state is the epicenter of the pandemic right now. There are state orders to not go visit any relatives that live outside your household. My boyfriend’s son shouldn’t be at anyone else’s house. But is that my problem too? This sounds like a power trip. how much does he need a car himself outside of his son? Some people don’t need to own a car. I live in the DC area. I own a car but I rarely need to use it. I can survive without it. if you guys are a coup,e and say get married do you really need 2 cars? Is it the best choice. As you said you both work in the same area so if he got a car it would probably just sit there unused. my brotherand his wife have only one car. They have two kids. They work at the same place that is walking distance from home. The rare times they needed two cars they woukd rent one or they used these car share things.
Acacia98 Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 25 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: This sounds like a power trip. how much does he need a car himself outside of his son? Some people don’t need to own a car. I live in the DC area. I own a car but I rarely need to use it. I can survive without it. if you guys are a coup,e and say get married do you really need 2 cars? Is it the best choice. As you said you both work in the same area so if he got a car it would probably just sit there unused. Great points. But they don't seem to have had that discussion. The agreement seemed to be that he would work towards getting his own car. And he hasn't done that. Yet he seems to have a sense of entitlement where her car is concerned. And she doesn't mention anything about him fueling it or helping to maintain it. Even if she was the most generous person in the world, she would start to feel like he was using her at some point. Personally, I don't have a car either. But I don't make it other people's business to get me from point A to point B. I either use a bus or a cab, depending on what I can afford and what makes the most sense. The one thing that bugs me is that she allowed her boyfriend to use the car to drop his son off and then suddenly decided she'd no longer be letting him use it. So her boyfriend and his son made whatever plans they had based on the idea that she would be generous. Yes, that was presumptuous of them. But she's been going along with it all this time, so it's come to be an expectation. Personally, I'd let him use the car to pick his son up or help him make alternative arrangements then I'd draw the line there. I would explicitly communicate to him at that point that he would no longer be using my car. I would also proceed to break up with him. I don't see how two people can live together under these kinds of circumstances. I don't even understand why they moved in together when they are on very different pages where finances are concerned. 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Acacia98 said: The one thing that bugs me is that she allowed her boyfriend to use the car to drop his son off and then suddenly decided she'd no longer be letting him use it. There are plenty of alternatives from dad paying for the son's transportation or dad/son using other people to chauffeur them around. She didn't put him in this position, he did this to himself. If he/his son want rides, they can pay hired car services or figure something else out or impose on others . Edited January 1, 2021 by Wiseman2
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 1 hour ago, Acacia98 said: The one thing that bugs me is that she allowed her boyfriend to use the car to drop his son off and then suddenly decided she'd no longer be letting him use it. So her boyfriend and his son made whatever plans they had based on the idea that she would be generous. Yes, that was presumptuous of them. But she's been going along with it all this time, so it's come to be an expectation. Wholeheartedly agree! OP, this makes no sense to me. What do you have to say about it? Based on this it seems mean-spirited to me to change your position on this issue while the son is stuck in a distant town/city with no other way to get home. How embarrassing for him! Maybe he could call a cab, an uber, use a bus, whatever. But possibly it would be expensive and he doesn't have the funds. Even if he does have the money, to have to change arrangements while at his gf's house could be awkward. I question your wisdom. Prove me wrong on this as to why you would have put him in this position by establishing this practice so that they counted on it. If I were your bf or his son this would erode trust I have in you. Granted, he hasn't followed through with your agreement that he purchase a car. But, to back out on your generosity of allowing him to use yours at such a time as this seems disingenuous to me.
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 It is the straw that broke the camel's back. He drove the kid out of town assuming he would just borrow the car to bring him back. He assumed one time too often and the OP is not playing that game any longer. Her car, her rules. She has got involved with a man child, a man child who is bringing up his kid to be the same. At 32 the OP is now Mom to two big kids... Now her "man" is sulking and having a tantrum and kicking up the shins of his Mom...OP Unless you want to be the Mom to two grown men for the foreseeable, then run. He won't change. 5
guest569 Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 Arent there 3 man children living for free in your 1 bedroom flat? Be careful. Even worse that the father is paying money for his son to go dating a girlfriend during lockdown. He can go dating but he can't possibly work cause that might distract him from studies. I get it, find a girl to leech off rather than get a job. Well done, son! 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 Unfortunately there's a history of parasitic behavior since he moved in. 1
smackie9 Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 (edited) Your BF hasn't run out of solutions, ....tell him he needs to dig into his pocket and pay for a bloody cab, uber whatever. Then proceed to set some ground rules....no money, no use of the car, period. Everyone needs to pay their way or it's no way....say you are sick of this. Don't like it? There's the door. Edited January 1, 2021 by smackie9 3
BaileyB Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 (edited) No, he hasn’t run out of solutions... there are lots of other options that in another time, I would require him to use. Given the pandemic and the need to reduce MY exposure, I would probably pick the child up. But then, we would be having a serious discussion. While he probably allowed the child to go to his girlfriend’s home assuming that he could use the car to retrieve the child, I can’t help but think there were many times in my adolescence that my parents gave me a ride somewhere with the expectation that I would find my way home... get a ride with a friend, take transit, or sometimes call and ask that they come and pick me up. There was usually a plan but it was not always assumed that because they delivered me somewhere, they would be responsible to retrieve me at the end of the night. Part of growing up in learning the skills to be responsible for yourself in this way. If this child is old enough to go to his girlfriends home and stay over (I am assuming), he is old enough to problem solve how to get himself there and back... And as has been said, his father should have the resources and the problem solving ability to get him home without the car. The simple fact is, it’s by far the easiest and most convenient option for them if you go and retrieve him with your car... which is obviously why they planned for this to happen. The other, rather obvious fact is, he shouldn’t be visiting with his girlfriend in the peak of a pandemic, exposing you all unnecessarily. I’d be very unhappy about both of their decision making at this time. Edited January 1, 2021 by BaileyB 3
ThereSheGoes Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 I'm so bothered by the kid having a girlfriend so far away and lacks the funds and necessities to continue the relationship. Is he even in college? Why can't he find a girl on campus? Or at least just continue fostering the relationship until one of them becomes independent enough to have stable access to a car. Like.....what does he and this girl THINK is going to happen, with no money, no car to visit one another, both living with their parents? I would be too embarrassed to even ASK my mom for a ride for such a thing. And why is his father encouraging such an arrangement? Thats pulling too many people in to the relationship, because now you have to rely on others to help keep it going. The kids seeing each other is dependent on the parents allowing them to. Yeah, they're kids, but at 18 you should be pulling at least 50% of your weight. He's not even doing 25%.
MsJayne Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 He's got the Yours-Is-Mine attitude, mostly when things are yours I suspect, and you need to set him straight. You should set him free at the same time, because there's something very wrong with any able-bodied adult male who doesn't have their own transport. It's a basic survival tool - no car means limited work prospects, makes him dependent on other people and public transport, and those things add up to Mr Inadequate. As for the accusatory remark about what type of woman he's with, how dare he say that given that you're prepared to be so generous by sharing your car with him at all? Please set this loser straight and tell him that a man with no transport is a man with no nuts and that at 47 it's about time he grew up. 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 On 12/31/2020 at 4:08 PM, Pinkbird741 said: Thanks for all your responses. Right now my BF is giving me the silent treatment for not letting him use my car. my BF’s lack of transportation shouldn’t be my problem and I don’t think anything will get better if I just let him get away with it and give him my car. Agree, he's a give-an-inch-take-a mile type. 1
Wiseman2 Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 23 minutes ago, MsJayne said: He's got the Yours-Is-Mine attitude Su casa es mi casa? 1
JSmith123 Posted January 1, 2021 Posted January 1, 2021 Title is misleading. Dumping someone because they don't have a car is very shallow as well as quite pathetic. Dumping someone because they don't contribute their fair share and expect you to do things for them as if you are their mum just because you are in a relationship is a perfectly valid reason. 5 1
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