Pinkbird741 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) Hi Please read this entire post before judging me. I don’t consider myself a materialistic woman. I’m in my early 30s and I’m in a relationship with a man who’s 47 years old who doesn’t have a car. We’ve been living together for 2 years and I met him riding a bicycle. He said he would get a car someday, but he has not saved one penny and seems to not have any motivation to get his own car. I have my own car and I’ve let him use it and I drive him to work since we work close by. I pay for my own car every month, for insurance and gas. Here’s my issue: my boyfriend has a son from a previous relationship who’s almost 18. His son doesn’t work and doesn’t have a car either. My boyfriend is against him working because he says he needs to focus on school. A while ago his son started dating a girl long distance. She lives about an hour away and my boyfriend used my car to take his son to see this girl. And now the son wants to get picked up and I feel like my boyfriend should figure it out and not use my car. I don’t want him spending my mileage. His son’s problems shouldn’t be my problems. Not only does he agree on his son going all the way there without transportation but he also hands him money to take the girlfriend out. Since he doesn’t want his son working he pays for their dates. Is this normal to you? I don’t think he’s teaching his son the value of money and how to be an adult. Anyway, he’s mad at me right now because I didn’t want him to pick up his son all the way there in my car. He called me heartless and said: “I’m starting to know with what type of woman I’m with”He wants me to feel bad but why is it my problem that his son wants to be in a long distance relationship? I know this is not a reason to dump a man but I’m sick of him not taking responsibility and not doing anything to get himself a car. He always says he’ll do it and he never does. He doesn’t know how to manage money and has no savings. What do you think? Edited December 31, 2020 by Pinkbird741
guest569 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 I wouldnt stick around no. Does he contribute any petrol money at the least??
Wiseman2 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 The best thing to do is stop chauffeuring him around and letting him use your car. You pay the insurance, but it's risky to let others use your vehicle. It's time to reflect on your need to parent him. He's a grown man and as such is responsible for his own predicament When you pick up all the slack like this it fosters dependency. Is this what you want from him? It also breeds contempt and resentment . Unfortunately it's you who needs to change. He's just being who he is. Trying to fix or change him is inconsistent with coddling him. 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 A couple of thoughts: He is more like your son than your boyfriend. That's a turnoff. Men who don't have even the basics should not have sexual or emotional access to women. Otherwise, they never have to improve themselves. 4
Maldives Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 No I think you have every right to feel the way you do. I would say no and draw a boundary with him using your car. Tell him exactly why you don't want the car being used anymore. That will force him more to not be so lazy about purchasing a car. I can tell you exactly why he doesn't and hasn't bought a car you wanna know why? Because he can borrow yours that's it. And yes it can be a grounds to break up. I was a little stupid and niave like him but it took my ex wife moving out and seperating for me to get it. I learnt my lesson now but it was too late. Definatley you need to have boundaries here with your car. If he keeps putting on the guilt then leave like my ex wife becauee some of us men really don't get it till we lose it. The wear and tear on your car and money coming out of your pocket for repairs insurance etc while he takes advantage of is not on. Draws line in the sand and if he puts on the guilt split you don't need it and he needs to grow up and be a lil more responsible 1
guest569 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 And it's not about the car, it's the dependence and entitlement, and guilt tripping that would really send me packing. 8
smackie9 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Dump. He hasn't lived up to your expectations...and your expectations are not far reaching. Tip: next guy you meet....make sure he does fulfill your expectation, not promise you ones. 1
Pumaza Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Ok, but you met him like this thou.Yet you moved in and everything yourself!!! You can blame them,but you should take responsability for your own part. You met them like this and they ddnt change a bit as i can gues.. Mayne only change is you waking up,and the love clouds are leaving your eyes. And you see now its not what you want. Did you get to know him long enough to see that he is like this with his son and more of a bike person,and not with money the way that you feel ok with? Not everyone wanna have a car. Yes,not everyone. But you dont have to be driving everyone around. They can take the bus. It looks like you are not into him no more. And neither is he same into you as in the start. You start claiming your indivdualism and indpemdent. While when you started it was ""my car is your car babe"". If this is not what you want,dont be in it. Beside as long its not your money, and you are not married to him, and its not your son, you cant tell him what to do with them. And if he use the car like this sure he need to be paying for gas to or simething. But it feels like the honeymoon period is over and you are claiming back the real you, and stuff you really find important in a relationship,but ignored it before. 2
introverted1 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Does your bf pay his share of the rent, groceries, utilities, household upkeep? Perhaps he pays more than half to compensate for using your car? If the answer to these questions is "no," then you should move on unless you want to spend the rest of your life supporting your bf. It's been 2 years - he has shown you who he is. 1
Happy Lemming Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 8 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said: ...And now the son wants to get picked up and I feel like my boyfriend should figure it out and not use my car. Tell your boyfriend to rent a car for the weekend, then he can take the son anywhere (either of them) wants to go. Plenty of rent-a-car agencies everywhere, some have unlimited mileage. He can drive and drive and drive, problem solved. 8 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said: Anyway, he’s mad at me right now because I didn’t want him to pick up his son all the way there in my car. He called me heartless... I can't take credit for this quote, it was from another "Love shack" poster, but I really like it. "Just because you got mad because I said 'no', doesn't mean I should have said 'yes'." 5
Lotsgoingon Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 You are in a hole of your own digging. No, you do not let your bf chauffeur his son. No. All you have to say is "I don't want to." Period. This example tells me there is imbalance in the rest of the relationship. This cannot be the first time bf has tried to used you or get more out of you than he gives to you. And it cannot be the first time you've felt guilty saying no. 4
Weezy1973 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 It sounds like you’re realizing you don’t share some values that are important to you. There’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing per se. Not like it’s illegal or anything. But you and him don’t see the world the same way, and it’s only up to you to decide whether or not it’s a dealbreaker. But at least tell him how you feel. Is it really just about the car? Or is it about core values? 1
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 I've never in my life dated a guy with no car and the basic ability to get himself around. I got my first hoopty at 16 and have managed to have wheels ever since. I've never had the slightest interest in driving a man around. What a turnoff. So this wouldn't work for me at all. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 9 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said: "I’m starting to know with what type of woman I’m with” Well, I can tell you what kind of man you're with: a leech. According to AAA, when you factor in all the costs of operating a vehicle, it costs about 68 cents per mile. So if this guy is driving his son 50 miles round trip, he's draining your net worth by $34. Multiply this by the many miles he's leeching off you and you quickly figure out what a drain this guy is. Never date a man who's a drain on you. You're better off single.
Happy Lemming Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 1 minute ago, Ruby Slippers said: I've never in my life dated a guy with no car and the basic ability to get himself around. I dated one woman without a car. It was a mess. Every time I'd go to pick her up for a date, she had a list of errands "we" had to do first. I felt like a cab driver, not a boyfriend. One night in particular, we were supposed to go to dinner. When I picked her up, she had a few errands to run before we could go to dinner. 3.5 hours later, we completed her list of errands, needless to say the restaurant was closed. After that, I told her I was not going to do anymore errands or shopping or stop offs and advised her to get her own car. We didn't date long after that, but I didn't really care. Let the next guy be "yellow cab", I was done. 4
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Ew. I can't even imagine asking a man to do that. I remember one time in college my car was in the shop for a few days and I was too broke to afford a rental. My boyfriend was very sweet driving me around, but I felt guilty and went out of my way to thank him with lots of home cooking and so on, also insisted on paying for the gas.
BaileyB Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Depending on where you live and what the public transportation system is like in your city, having a car is not always a necessity. But, when he is using your car to ferry himself and his adult son around town - that’s a problem. I wouldn’t be handing over my keys either... 1
Acacia98 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 10 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said: He doesn’t know how to manage money and has no savings. What do you think? I think you should run for the hills. Otherwise, one day you'll be telling us he doesn't believe in expensive weddings but is using your retirement savings to fund his son's wedding. 2
Ellener Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 I'd love to live without a car- unfortunately it's not possible here in 'oil-town', there is very little public transport and I'm too disabled to walk to access it. I do know how to manage money and save, but have watched the flooding then the pandemic wreak havoc on my plans. And give me anxiety disorder and make me miserable. @Pinkbird741 what I'm saying is I wish I was a bit more like your boyfriend...maybe there's some middle ground to discuss with him here, you were obviously attracted for a reason.
Versacehottie Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 I haven't read the other responses (yet) but I would say it's less about him having a car or not. That's just a symptom of his overall laziness (as you've described it) and lack of responsibility. Yes, I would dump him for that. Look at the big picture. It should make it easier to walk away. How can you have respect for someone that said 2 years ago he would do something (something crucial to his everyday life and his burden on you) who did not do it? How can you have respect for someone who chooses to blame you for his problems rather than take basic responsibility for the tools and financial wellbeing he needs to have in life vs putting blame on others for his problems? Also how do you see you future with this person? IMO, you've been loyal and patient enough, he's just guilting you. It's not like you are dumping him for not having a car--he's trying to get you caught up in those details because it worked on you once when you dated him despite the fact that he didn't have one and now he's trying to guilt you into remaining in the relationship on the same basis. You have to think of big picture in that you gave him a chance to be this person he told you he was/he could be and he failed to live up. That's on him, no guilt necessary. 4
Calmandfocused Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 I have deja vu. I’ve read this story before. Has this man asked his son to come and live with both of you by any chance? I have no idea if you are the same person but the story is exactly the same. The advice will be too: He’s using you and you continue to let him. Throw his son into the mix too. Both of them are using you. They won’t change their behaviour. You need to change your response and assert some boundaries. Otherwise you exit the relationship. You have more control here than you think you do. Find that thread is my advice. 1
cleverusername Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 If you like him, why not help him create a budget to save up for a car? Give him a month or two to see if he actually starts putting away money. If he’s serious about you, I would think would appreciate the help. If not, that would be more than enough indication of a lack of effort/ initiative and you would have your answer. Are you looking for a relationship or to adopt 2 children?
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: I have deja vu. I’ve read this story before. Has this man asked his son to come and live with both of you by any chance? Yes, look at her posting history. She's been asking since January "is this guy taking advantage of me?" The answer is YES, as many people have told her a dozen times.
smackie9 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: Ew. I can't even imagine asking a man to do that. I remember one time in college my car was in the shop for a few days and I was too broke to afford a rental. My boyfriend was very sweet driving me around, but I felt guilty and went out of my way to thank him with lots of home cooking and so on, also insisted on paying for the gas. My husband didn't have a car, I picked him up on our first date lol. But he had a good excuse, his was stolen, insurance company was dragging their feet for months before we started dating. As soon as I found out he was a car guy I knew it wouldn't be long before he purchased another car....probably 3 months in I think (67 Chevelle :D). I didn't mind at all driving him around, he paid for gas and did repairs for me, but I wouldn't put up with it for 2 years. The key thing is he always had a car* unlike the OP's bf. I'm like you I didn't have a car because I was going to college, was broke. I always paid for gas when I needed a ride. I never took advantage of anyone like that. So that being said, I agree with the other posters, the OP's BF is entitled, selfish, rude...and disrespectful. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree about work ethics, etc. That's a huge red flag. My nephew was doing the same thing. Not working, begging for rides from his father to see his GF. My sister inlaw put her foot down promptly. The Father started taking him to work, teaching him a new skill, and working on getting his license. Not sure if the GF has gotten of her butt to do the same thing. Edited December 31, 2020 by smackie9
HadMeOverABarrel Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 14 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said: He called me heartless and said: “I’m starting to know with what type of woman I’m with” Rather than breaking up with him for not having a car, THIS^^^ is what I would break up with him for. 6
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