Atwood Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 Consider this: she never loses weight, or perhaps she gains a lot more, and her health problems worsen, can you live with that? If not, I'd suggest moving on so that she can find someone who loves her unconditionally or at least supports her with her health problems without shaming her (which will do the opposite of what you want btw). You said you've gained weight yourself, but you've decided you're totally fine with your weight and how you're managing it- how would you feel if your girlfriend decided she was unhappy with your weight and kept pushing you to do things you don't want to do just so she can feel attracted to you again? You've said many times in the OP that she is not interested in doing anything to lose weight, so why are you trying to control that? Can you live with it or can't you? Those are your options. 3
Author neo4real Posted January 2, 2021 Author Posted January 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Atwood said: Consider this: she never loses weight, or perhaps she gains a lot more, and her health problems worsen, can you live with that? If not, I'd suggest moving on so that she can find someone who loves her unconditionally or at least supports her with her health problems without shaming her (which will do the opposite of what you want btw). You said you've gained weight yourself, but you've decided you're totally fine with your weight and how you're managing it- how would you feel if your girlfriend decided she was unhappy with your weight and kept pushing you to do things you don't want to do just so she can feel attracted to you again? You've said many times in the OP that she is not interested in doing anything to lose weight, so why are you trying to control that? Can you live with it or can't you? Those are your options. You may have missed it but I said that I talked to her about her weight months ago and offered to start eating healthier together and get more exercise together. Sorry but to me that's being supportive. It's neither shaming nor controlling. Shaming to me is making her feel bad about her weight and controlling is telling or coercing her into doing something she may not want to do. Offering to get into healthier habits together and then dropping it when she didn't do it are neither of those behaviors. By the way she doesn't like her weight either. It's not like she's happy about it and I randomly offered to help her lose weight. She's mentioned to me how she doesn't like the meds and the medical appointments and that she gets tired easily. There's a difference between my own situation and hers. Yes I gained a bit of weight then went on a health kick and lost the extra weight. The difference is that I did something about it. If I did all that and she still pressured me even with the effort I put in and the fact that I was actually successful, then that is controlling. See the difference? I offered to get healthier with her, she wasn't interested, I dropped it. Your hypothetical question and scenario is totally different. 1
Fletch Lives Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 It's best if it's her own idea to change. Cut off affection, sex, and romance. When she asks, "What's wrong"?, remind her about her weight gain. Maybe then she'll be ready to really listen and change. 1
Atwood Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 (edited) 15 hours ago, neo4real said: You may have missed it but I said that I talked to her about her weight months ago and offered to start eating healthier together and get more exercise together. Sorry but to me that's being supportive. It's neither shaming nor controlling. Shaming to me is making her feel bad about her weight and controlling is telling or coercing her into doing something she may not want to do. Offering to get into healthier habits together and then dropping it when she didn't do it are neither of those behaviors. By the way she doesn't like her weight either. It's not like she's happy about it and I randomly offered to help her lose weight. She's mentioned to me how she doesn't like the meds and the medical appointments and that she gets tired easily. There's a difference between my own situation and hers. Yes I gained a bit of weight then went on a health kick and lost the extra weight. The difference is that I did something about it. If I did all that and she still pressured me even with the effort I put in and the fact that I was actually successful, then that is controlling. See the difference? I offered to get healthier with her, she wasn't interested, I dropped it. Your hypothetical question and scenario is totally different. You offered to “get healthier” with her, she said no, and you dropped it? So you’ve only had one conversation and one attempt in total? Apologies, your original post where you said you’ve tried convincing and you’ve tried dropping hints and “she keeps refusing” really gives the impression you’ve been beating a dead horse for months and that you may have been trying consistently for a while. If someone says no to something and you keep going to try and change their mind, that is pressure. Don’t you think this will make her feel ashamed about her weight? How do you think that would feel for her, coming from you? I realise you’re trying to be supportive, but your intent to support and whether or not you are actually supporting her are two different things. Have you asked her what she needs to be supported by you? Have you asked her what she’d like you to do? Maybe she would prefer that you back off and let her deal with it in her own time instead of having suggestions fired her way? Not everybody wants others to dive in and rescue them from their problems, no matter how well-intentioned. You’re here saying you’re not attracted to your girlfriend. I’m saying that you shouldn’t hover around trying to change her and work with what you have now. Can you live with the relationship as it is now? Because you cannot force a change in her no matter how much you want to. Edited January 3, 2021 by Atwood 1
Atwood Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 14 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: It's best if it's her own idea to change. Cut off affection, sex, and romance. When she asks, "What's wrong"?, remind her about her weight gain. Maybe then she'll be ready to really listen and change. This is emotionally abusive. 14 1
poppyfields Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 (edited) 12 hours ago, Atwood said: This is emotionally abusive. It most certainly is! I think it must've been a joke, a very poor one, I cannot imagine anyone being serious with that advice. Advising to be manipulative and emotionally abusive by withdrawing affection? WTF. It can't be real. Edited January 3, 2021 by poppyfields 4
FMW Posted January 3, 2021 Posted January 3, 2021 On 1/2/2021 at 11:32 AM, Fletch Lives said: When she asks, "What's wrong"?, remind her about her weight gain. Maybe then she'll be ready to really listen and change. My first thought was that her reaction (hopefully) would be to end the relationship herself. 1
Happy Lemming Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 Speaking of weight gain, I called my girlfriend tonight (just to check in). She informed me she got mad at her bathroom scale and threw it away. I burst out laughing. I told her it was not the scale's fault she gained weight. She stated the scale was "evil" and it got what it deserved. 3
JRabbit Posted January 4, 2021 Posted January 4, 2021 (edited) On 12/30/2020 at 3:49 PM, neo4real said: Perhaps she needs a therapist to get over whatever it is that's keeping her stuck. Honestly it sounds like you might be the one who might want to check out therapy for your need to control someone elses waistline. I mean that in the nicest way sincerely. No means no. She said she doesn't want to, so either accept, or move on. Edited January 4, 2021 by JRabbit 1
Author neo4real Posted January 5, 2021 Author Posted January 5, 2021 21 hours ago, JRabbit said: Honestly it sounds like you might be the one who might want to check out therapy for your need to control someone elses waistline. I mean that in the nicest way sincerely. No means no. She said she doesn't want to, so either accept, or move on. Wow wow wow. FYI she doesn't like having extra weight. She doesn't like her frequent medical appointments and being tired all the time. She complains about it. So I offered to support her by getting healthier eating habits and exercising with her. She said no, I dropped it. It's controlling to try and help someone? And btw the way I offered to help didn't even focus on her, it was for both of us to get healthier together. Sure, I will book therapy sessions for myself asap.
JRabbit Posted January 5, 2021 Posted January 5, 2021 21 minutes ago, neo4real said: FYI she doesn't like having extra weight. She doesn't like her frequent medical appointments and being tired all the time. She complains about it. So I offered to support her by getting healthier eating habits and exercising with her. She said no, I dropped it. It's controlling to try and help someone? And btw the way I offered to help didn't even focus on her, it was for both of us to get healthier together. Sure, I will book therapy sessions for myself asap. This doesn't match what you have posted though, you advised she didn't want to exercise, nor cared about her weight gain, that she didn't see it as a problem and didn't bother her. If this post above is true, and she does complain all the time and then refuses to do anything about it, well, that is another issue altogether. However, your response to my post and some others does make me think you might want to think about how you approach this. Bottom line is, you have suggested this multiple times and she has said flat out - NO. You either accept her for who she is or move on. There is no convincing or making someone do something they don't want to. Especially when it comes to weight loss, its hard to lose weight as woman, and it just won't happen if you aren't committed and want it. 1
spiderowl Posted January 7, 2021 Posted January 7, 2021 (edited) Whatever your intentions, your hints and 'encouragement' to lose weight will be seen by your girlfriend as pressure. She already knows you are struggling to accept her as she is. She is probably feeling at some level that 'if you can't accept me the way I am, then you are not the right guy for me'. She may have problems with her weight all her life, even if she does diet and take exercise. She needs to know that her boyfriend loves her regardless. She is avoiding your pressure to be perfect. It would be a shock to her if you left but then again you would be doing her a favour because you are not happy or attracted to her any more. Either accept her the way she is and drop all the pressure, hints and encouragement, or leave her and give her the opportunity to meet someone who likes her the way she is, warts and all. Edited January 7, 2021 by spiderowl 2
Andy_K Posted January 11, 2021 Posted January 11, 2021 (edited) Fat people generally get fatter over time. It shouldn't be surprising, and if you aren't okay with it, then you probably shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place. Her weight may have changed, but her diet, attitude, and behaviour have not. These are the things you expect to stay the same over the course of a relationship, and should be looking out for much earlier. People rarely change without a significant effort, and only when they're driven to do so. If she doesn't have the drive for this, you're fighting a losing battle no matter how you approach this, or what you say and do. You can only help people change who genuinely want to. Edited January 11, 2021 by Andy_K 1
Negotaurus Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 (edited) I felt the need to share my thoughts, it is my opinion and I am not pushing it onto anybody. I feel like many of the posters here are projecting their own struggles with weight onto the OP. Putting him down for bringing it up, saying that he should sit still and accept it - that is not right either. That is how the people on 'my 600-pound life' end up where they do, as an example. This woman has health issues. Sitting quietly and accepting that, alright, my girlfriend could practically be killing herself (I do apologise if I am taking this too far, I don't know how overweight she truly is), that is not okay. It is okay that you are not attracted to her, you have a taste, you have a preference. It's sad but it's not your fault, nor is it controlling to be open about it with your partner. I am not sure where you were 'shaming her' either. Everybody is do concerned with how she feels but what about YOUR happiness. Someone suggested you dump her and let her find somebody who 'loves her unconditionally', what a load of bollocks. Yes you have been too pushy, but you love her. You're not out cheating with a woman who is more fit, you're not abandoning her, you've tried to offer your help countless times. To throw such jabs at your love made me very angry. Attraction and love are NOT the same. Your girlfriend will most likely not lose weight. If, it will probably be gained back. I'm not sure how old you are but you said she's been heavy for some time now. Usually people who are heavy only get heavier as they get older. At least, that's what I've noticed. Edited January 12, 2021 by Negotaurus 1 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 From your words, it seems like you were barely tolerating the weight she was at the beginning of your relationship. If weight is that important to you, do not date people that are borderline. Most people tend to gain weight as they age. Also, people that are naturally chubby struggle way more than someone that is naturally thin. Fat cells tend to form in childhood and stay there. It is not as easy to lose the weight as you imagine. Also, you are assuming that she is diabetic because of the weight and that she would not be diabetic if she lost the weight. This may not be true. FYI for diabetics it is way harder to diet since their blood sugar can fall dangerously low if they go without a substantial meal. Please do her a big favor and end this relationship. I do not see any love, kindness or acceptance here.
Happy Lemming Posted January 12, 2021 Posted January 12, 2021 Here is an idea... Why don't you purchase one of those talking bathroom scales for her for Valentine's Day. She'll either take her weight loss more seriously or she'll throw the scale at you. Either way you'll bring the situation to an end. 1
littleblackheart Posted January 21, 2021 Posted January 21, 2021 I'll run counter to the advice you have been offered so far, @neo4real. I don't see you as shallow or controlling - I see a partner who is concerned over his gf's health - a good thing . I too put a lot of weight on since March 2020, and I would have appreciated the type of support you are offering your gf. I don't have the medical condition she has but the weight gain has had a severe impact on my mental health - much more than anticipated. It almost leaves you in a state of paralysis. I think it's right for you to be concerned, in honesty. I can't give you any advice on what to do; unfortunately, it has to come from her. I've started my journey back to my normal health 10 days ago and would be happy to give any tips or advice that could help either of you .
smackie9 Posted January 21, 2021 Posted January 21, 2021 (edited) On 1/5/2021 at 9:50 AM, neo4real said: Wow wow wow. FYI she doesn't like having extra weight. She doesn't like her frequent medical appointments and being tired all the time. She complains about it. So I offered to support her by getting healthier eating habits and exercising with her. She said no, I dropped it. It's controlling to try and help someone? And btw the way I offered to help didn't even focus on her, it was for both of us to get healthier together. Sure, I will book therapy sessions for myself asap. You really don't have to say anything to her. You could have done this gradually by picking an activity like an evening walk after dinner, and treat it like a date/date night. Cook for her starting like twice a week. There are plenty of free recipe websites for ideas, or just get the WW app to help guide you. The trick is to start making it a routine. You go grocery shopping together, and make healthier choices there. Next, work on relaxation. Sounds to me she's stressing, and that would be why she's shutting you down, not interested in working with you on this. Stress makes for bad eating habits right? Buy her a foot spa, with nice smelling salts, relaxation teas, give her a nice massage, listen to some music together and talk...do nice things. Edited January 21, 2021 by smackie9 2
stillafool Posted January 21, 2021 Posted January 21, 2021 On 1/2/2021 at 11:32 AM, neo4real said: I offered to get healthier with her, she wasn't interested, I dropped it. Your hypothetical question and scenario is totally different. It's tough. My nephew was going through the same thing you are with his gf. He tried for a year to motivate her to lose weight. Begging her to workout with him and eat healthier. Nothng but excuses. He just broke up with her last week and moved on because unless it is something she wants to work on everything else is useless. I feel like it is her responsibility to take care of her body, not yours. When she decides she's had enough maybe then she'll try to get healthy. Until then you have to live your life.
dramafreezone Posted January 21, 2021 Posted January 21, 2021 (edited) You pretty much nailed it. She has to really want to lose weight. It's not going to happen because you tell her about a calorie counter or buy her a stairmaster or whatever. She has to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. I would bet anything that she's dealing with some depression too. She needs to go see a physician and a psychiatrist, but it has to be her idea. As far as you go, you have to assume that nothing will change or it will worsen, and ask youself if you're ok to deal with that. If not move on. It sounds like you've been more than supportive and she doesn't want to fix the problem, at least not enough. You're going to be the bad guy in everyone's eyes. You're already the bad guy in this thread with people making you feel bad for not being attracted to her, but that's just the way it is. You can't continue to sacrifice your own happiness out of fear of not wanting to be the bad guy. Edited January 21, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
amygirl908 Posted January 21, 2021 Posted January 21, 2021 There's a lot going on here and people see the word weight gain and it touches on a touchy subject for a lot of people and women especially. My weight it constantly criticized even when I was thin and this has happened to me my whole life. I even had a boyfriend tell me directly the things that you're thinking - he told me he wished I would go back to eating healthier and it was probably the start of the end of our relationship. This pandemic has caused A LOT of people to gain some extra lbs. Gyms are closed, you're at home all the time, more bored than normal. While it is still possible to lose weight, I actually dropped 10lbs, there are more obstacles than ever to trying to lose weight right now and she has to be in the right mindset to want it. Ultimately it comes down to what you want out of the relationship. You can either handle it or you can't and there isn't a wrong choice when it comes to doing what it best for yourself.
winny Posted January 22, 2021 Posted January 22, 2021 The real problem is not weight as i see it. It is her lack of concern for herself and her own health. Lack of self love. Goals. Lot of laziness and procrastination. No drive to change and get better. That’s extremely unattractive. I would suggest you move on because its very hard to change people unless they want to change themselves. 1
chillii Posted January 22, 2021 Posted January 22, 2021 On 1/6/2021 at 4:50 AM, neo4real said: Wow wow wow. FYI she doesn't like having extra weight. She doesn't like her frequent medical appointments and being tired all the time. She complains about it. So I offered to support her by getting healthier eating habits and exercising with her. She said no, I dropped it. It's controlling to try and help someone? And btw the way I offered to help didn't even focus on her, it was for both of us to get healthier together. Sure, I will book therapy sessions for myself asap. Crackin me up but eh after wasting thousands on therapy , for nothing , she's still gonna be her and the one beside you in bed at night anyway. But at any rate op , things like weight and us aging which we all do , well except for me of course l still look as good as l did 30yrs ago , ahhh, well l wish l did anyway. Buttttt, this is where love and connection , devotion to each other. history and all the things a relationship/ marriage , love , is about , come into it later on in life with a couple. But eh , she's just a gf right now and your not even coping n feeling it. Afraid the writings on the wall buddy.
peach302 Posted January 22, 2021 Posted January 22, 2021 On 12/30/2020 at 8:49 PM, neo4real said: Thanks everyone. Probably stating the obvious but I'm very conflicted about this problem and leaving as some suggested is not easy and will be painful for both myself and my gf. I don't want it to come to that but I agree that she should decide what to do with herself. It's her life and her body. I don't mean to control her. I only wish she would think about her own health and the benefits of shedding weight which I already mentioned. I believe she doesn't want to be heavy, she complains about it, but she's stuck. This is why I suggested we work on it together, to go on a diet together and be more active together. Perhaps she needs a therapist to get over whatever it is that's keeping her stuck. Painful initially but better for both in the long run. She can get on with her life without being pressured to lose weight. And you can get on with yours by finding someone you're more attracted to. Since you feel you are missing out. 1
dramafreezone Posted January 22, 2021 Posted January 22, 2021 (edited) 18 hours ago, winny said: The real problem is not weight as i see it. It is her lack of concern for herself and her own health. Lack of self love. Goals. Lot of laziness and procrastination. No drive to change and get better. That’s extremely unattractive. I would suggest you move on because its very hard to change people unless they want to change themselves. Exactly. If she were busting her butt trying to lose this weight and it wasn't working out, completely different. OP I don't think you should blame yourself if you end up leaving. No one wants to sit by helplessly as someone they love just lets their own health deteriorate, and I don't see her all of a sudden changing course. Really, the one thing that's likely to get her to change for the better is to leave, sad to say. She may never forgive you for it but if she gets better then I think leaving is the most selfless thing you can do. Edited January 22, 2021 by dramafreezone
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