neo4real Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 My girlfriend has always been heavy but she's gained even more weight and refuses to do anything about it. It's gotten to the point that I'm no longer physically attracted to her. When we met, she was already overweight but I was alright with it because it's not as severe as it is now. The last year or so I've noticed a difference. Her face looks different, her body is definitely different. She takes medication for diabetes and other conditions so this is not only me being vain, shedding weight is for her own health. We cannot go on hikes, she gets tired immediately, and it makes me sad and disappointed. I've talked to her about her weight in the past. I've tried to convince her to take baby steps to be healthier such as exercise, even if its just walking for half an hour. I suggested using a calorie counter app. I use one myself even though I'm not overweight. I've gained some weight in the past also but I'm not obese, and to keep my weight at the proper level I use a free calorie counter app. I cut out a lot of carbs from my diet and it helped me personally a lot. She's aware of what I'm doing to keep my weight in check but she is not interested in doing any of it. I tried giving hints, I tried asking her to go on a diet together, she is not interested. The bottom line is that she needs to convince herself to do something about her health. I can ask and ask and it will never work. I'm frustrated because I can totally see her shedding pounds if only she would work on it but she's refusing. She acknowledges having all the extra weight sucks. She complains about having to take medication. I'm not sure how we will move forward with our relationship. I've tried to be patient and confronted her about her weight before but she's done nothing. The worst case scenario is for me to give her an ultimatum and tell her I will have to break up with her if she continues to do nothing about this issue. I honestly don't want to do that but I've already tried everything else. I feel I' being unfair to myself being with someone I'm not physically attracted to. I don't need her to be super skinny but at least go back to what she was like when we first met which is still overweight but not quite as big as she is now. I do not want to break up with her. I want her to be healthier so we can do more activities together and so she can stop some or all of her medical issues like diabetes and she can be more confident about her appearance. There are so many benefits from losing weight, I'm confused why she is not interested in doing it.
FMW Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 (edited) Losing weight is a very personal thing. Just because something works for one person doesn't mean it will work for another. You're right that she has to come to the decision herself. Your encouragement, regardless of how well-intentioned, may actually serve as a further block to her emotionally. That's not your fault, but I would not continue to use the same encouragements you've been using up to this point that have had no effect. Unless she's not very bright, she's clear on what causes weight gain and what she needs to lose it, she doesn't need diet and exercise tips. She surely knows the benefits of losing weight and the dangers of not. Do not give her an ultimatum, those rarely if ever work in any situation. You can't control your lack of attraction to her, so unfortunately it seems that you are probably at a stalemate. You've told her how you feel. You can't force her to do anything about it. Neither of you are going to be happy continuing this way. It may be time for you to end the relationship. Edited December 30, 2020 by FMW 5
Happy Lemming Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 Her weight gain may be attributable to the pandemic. There are plenty of reports of people gaining weight during this pandemic. My girlfriend included... I told mine, once the pandemic is over, she'll be able to lose it, until then best not to worry about it too much. I can't speak for your girlfriend, but mine is eating out of boredom and fear of the pandemic. Mine also likes my cooking when she stays here with me, so I'm partially responsible. If "V" wants my assistance with loosing weight after she gets her vaccination, I'll be glad to help, but if not I'll leave her be (about the subject) and let her lose it at her own pace. 4
central Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 How long are you going to wait to see some action on her part, before you break up? It seems almost inevitable that you will. Of course, once you do, she'll probably work to lose the weight to attract someone new - but that's for her, just as doing nothing is about her. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 This is such a common problem there should be one sticky thread about it. She's made it clear she's not motivated to lose weight and isn't going to do it. Further pushing by you won't accomplish anything. So you can accept her as is or leave. 6
stillafool Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 2 hours ago, neo4real said: I feel I' being unfair to myself being with someone I'm not physically attracted to. You are and unfair to her by staying and getting on her about losing weight. Some men like big women, you don't so you are no longer compatible. Leave. 4
Author neo4real Posted December 30, 2020 Author Posted December 30, 2020 2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: Her weight gain may be attributable to the pandemic. It might be this! She is anxious about the pandemic more than the average person. It might be best to ride out the situation until the pandemic is over before I do anything. When we're over the pandemic I will have a talk with her about this issue. Thanks!
Author neo4real Posted December 30, 2020 Author Posted December 30, 2020 Thanks everyone. Probably stating the obvious but I'm very conflicted about this problem and leaving as some suggested is not easy and will be painful for both myself and my gf. I don't want it to come to that but I agree that she should decide what to do with herself. It's her life and her body. I don't mean to control her. I only wish she would think about her own health and the benefits of shedding weight which I already mentioned. I believe she doesn't want to be heavy, she complains about it, but she's stuck. This is why I suggested we work on it together, to go on a diet together and be more active together. Perhaps she needs a therapist to get over whatever it is that's keeping her stuck.
Alpacalia Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 It's trickier to lose weight for diabetics taking medication to manage their diabetes than the average non-diabetic. I know several people with diabetes that have tried to lose weight and have been unsuccessful and it left them feeling defeated. Not that losing weight is impossible. 1
FMW Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 (edited) No matter how good your intentions, don't suggest she go see a therapist about the weight. You bringing the weight to her attention on a regular basis is not going to help the situation, and possibly will make it worse. If COVID anxiety is part of the issue, she's likely also generally anxious about other things as well. Having someone on her case about an issue that's already stressing her out is not the answer. As @Happy Lemming noted with his girlfriend, if SHE brings up the issue you can tell her that you will be happy to help her in whatever way she needs, just let you know. If you really can't deal with it - which is absolutely your right - then the answer is to leave. Edited December 30, 2020 by FMW 3
Ruby Slippers Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 If you're going to try sticking it out, the best thing you can do is accept and love her as is. It's much harder to make any positive change when you feel judged, criticized, and nitpicked. Most people overeat to fill some kind of void. Criticizing and trying to steer her in the direction you want her to go will only increase the negativity, the void. Love and acceptance is the best bet on helping her feel more fulfilled in general, so she doesn't need to fill the void with food, and remain inactive due to bad feelings. Loved, happy people tend to make healthier choices all around. I've intentionally lost 15 pounds during the pandemic and kept it off. The secret to my success is that I've found all kinds of good things to focus on and do instead of mindlessly snacking or emotional eating. I figured out that when I'm feeling really happy and alive, I'm not even thinking about food. When I'm feeling blah and out of it, it's so much easier to snack for no good reason.
Happy Lemming Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 12 minutes ago, neo4real said: This is why I suggested we work on it together, to go on a diet together and be more active together. There is only one problem with this suggestion. In my experience, men seem to be able to drop weight easier than women. A few years back, my girlfriend had vascular surgery and the doctor ordered her to walk 3 miles per day. (I'm guessing to prevent blood clots, but I don't know for sure). So for 3 weeks (post op), we walked the 3 miles together (every evening - without fail). I dropped 10 pounds and I wasn't even trying to lose weight, she lost nothing. My girlfriend was angry, as she was trying to lose weight during our "walking times" and lost none. I should have kept my mouth shut about the 10 pounds I lost - lesson learned. 2
deepthinking Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 (edited) Diabetes keeps her big, but looking big and chic lead to the idea to buy her a fancy corset and high heels, wearing them is how a woman can look slimmer Edited December 30, 2020 by deepthinking
Author neo4real Posted December 30, 2020 Author Posted December 30, 2020 This community is very helpful! Thanks to everyone because you've given me insights I wasn't even considering. Now's not the time to add stress to myself and my gf because of covid. It would be like piling on if I discuss it now. I will deal with this when covid is over. There's no clearcut solution. Maybe it is covid causing her stress and she will try to be healthier when she's less anxious and it's not beyond the realm of possibility that she herself could decide to get on a health kick even without me prompting her. I haven't been talking to her about dieting and all this stuff. Just to be clear I did it a while back but stopped many months ago. I posted here now cos lately I noticed I'm not attracted to her physically anymore. I kept my feelings to myself while I contemplated how to deal with it, then posted here today. 2
Happy Lemming Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 9 minutes ago, neo4real said: ...lately I noticed I'm not attracted to her physically anymore. I kept my feelings to myself while I contemplated how to deal with it, then posted here today. I do understand what you are saying, but if Covid-19 is the cause of the stress/over eating - there is nothing that can be done until (hers and your) turn come up for the vaccine. Of course you can leave, but if you stay - you just have to deal with it and keep quiet.
Wiseman2 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 8 hours ago, neo4real said: . Maybe it is covid causing her stress and she will try to be healthier when she's less anxious It's possible there's just relationship stress. It's best to stay in your own lane. That means focus on your own health and fitness and let her take care of herself. If anything, you're generating a lot of stress by hounding her about it. She is most likely fully aware that you no longer find her attractive. However that raises the question of dating her in the first place when you say she was heavy to begin with. Step back and reflect on what is really going on here. 2 1
Author neo4real Posted December 31, 2020 Author Posted December 31, 2020 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: It's possible there's just relationship stress. It's best to stay in your own lane. That means focus on your own health and fitness and let her take care of herself. If anything, you're generating a lot of stress by hounding her about it. She is most likely fully aware that you no longer find her attractive. However that raises the question of dating her in the first place when you say she was heavy to begin with. Step back and reflect on what is really going on here. You probably missed what i said: I haven't been talking to her about dieting and all this stuff. Just to be clear I did it a while back but stopped many months ago. This sounds defensive but i do not generate stress as you said. We get along just fine but when we get into physical stuff I found that I'm not into it. I do not say anything about it. I'd been keeping it to myself but posted here because I think it's not sustainable for me to be quiet about it forever. I guess I tolerated it but lately I noticed I'm not attracted to her physically anymore. It's not easy to just leave or I would have done it already. I'm conflicted about it.
Acacia98 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 41 minutes ago, neo4real said: I guess I tolerated it but lately I noticed I'm not attracted to her physically anymore. It's not easy to just leave or I would have done it already. I'm conflicted about it. And this is a real problem. Because you can't just tell yourself to be attracted. And if she is sensitive, she will start to notice, even if you don't say anything. Sensing that you're not attracted to her and having that persist over the long term could do a lot of damage to her self-esteem. So, while there are no easy answers, waiting indefinitely might turn out not to be harmless. 3
Alpacalia Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 Do you think if she lost the extra weight that it would reignite your physical attraction to her? If you feel like you really do need that physical attraction and your partner doesn't want to budge or doesn't care enough about putting in the work to maintain it then you’re not doing yourself or her any favors by staying.
Wiseman2 Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 1 hour ago, neo4real said: . I guess I tolerated it but lately I noticed I'm not attracted to her physically anymore. It's not easy to just leave or I would have done it already. True, breaking up isn't easy. However you're at a crossroads and need to decide if this is sustainable as is.
Blind-Sided Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 This is a tough one. When you are no long attracted to someone for any reason... it's time to move on. AND... while weight is a shallow thing... it's a real thing. I personally like a girl with a little meat on her... but if it would get to the point of looking bad, or causing issues daily life... then if talking to her, or offering to help... then I guess I would move on too. There is no way I could deal with a girl who could hardly breath, or needed an electric scooter to go to a store. (because of obesity) Sorry you are in this position... but you will be miserable until you confront her, and give her you true thought.
Ellener Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 18 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: you can accept her as is or leave. And that applies to anything, not just weight. It's her decision not yours what she does with her body and appearance and health @neo4real however well-meaning you intend it. It's been a terrible year 2020 for so many, I understand you just wanting to get through it for now. Uncontrolled diabetes can cause rapid weight loss- it was the first sign I had high blood sugar. I discovered that a low carb diet and daily Metformin fixed my insulin resistance and I haven't needed insulin so far ( almost ten years now ) I do 2 to 4 a1c tests each year to keep a check on it. I did see a doctor but did not like the advice ( drugs and insulin injections ) so I changed my lifestyle instead. It did leave me with a difficult foot disorder/disability Charcot Foot Arthropathy to manage, and high blood sugar can also cause eye and kidney problems. People can and do exercise and do activities whilst still overweight, maybe you can suggest doing some of those things together, weights, yoga, swimming, meditation etc. without mentioning her weight. Or ask- what she would like to do together to keep the relationship fun. Good luck for 2021. 1
Happy Lemming Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 2 hours ago, neo4real said: It's not easy to just leave or I would have done it already. My advice... just stay in a holding pattern until this pandemic is over. If at that point, she still doesn't care about her appearance, "pull up stakes" and leave. I guessing it will also be easier to date and find her replacement, once the pandemic has subsided. As a side note, I don't think I would say anything to her about her weight. She is fully aware of the situation, as her clothes are probably tighter or don't fit at all. If she doesn't correct the problem herself (after the pandemic), then she really doesn't care about you, your feelings or your attraction to her. If on your way out, she asks "Why" you are leaving, you could tell her, but be ready for the venom that will be forthcoming. Best to just slither away, quietly. I tend not to try to "change" people and prefer to just move on. I never liked when women tried to "change" me, I'm very resistant to someone trying to do that. I think most people are, as well. 2
dangerous Posted December 31, 2020 Posted December 31, 2020 On 12/30/2020 at 6:27 PM, Ruby Slippers said: This is such a common problem there should be one sticky thread about it. She's made it clear she's not motivated to lose weight and isn't going to do it. Further pushing by you won't accomplish anything. So you can accept her as is or leave. Exactly this. Nothing more needs to be said. 1
chillii Posted January 2, 2021 Posted January 2, 2021 lt's always the same old story whenever this tricky one comes up even in RL, Trouble is , anyone knows all the pros cons in putting on weight problem is though none of it is gonna make you anymore attracted to her. You can't fake it , not for very long anyway and at the end of the day if you aren't you aren't. And all the reasons and excuses for the weight in the world won't change that even when legit.
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