Day 30 of NC

[whatitdo]

Ok it’s day 30 and nothing.... I know that NC is best but I’m still torn about three things..the ending, the reason it ended was my fault. I take that but I feel as if she wanted me to do things to keep her in my life. Please help!!

1- after break up, she got mad that I wasn’t fighting to get her back

2- after BU, we met up to go shopping, long story short version is I bought her some wine and had all the gifts in my car. Asked her if I could come by later to drop them off then we could sit and watch a movie. She said yes, then when I got there she changed her mind. 

On the way home I told her that wasn’t fair and I thought we were gonna watch a movie. She said she just wanted everything to be clear that we were just friends and we shouldn’t do that. I said ok, well I’m gonna wrap your gifts that I bought you and your son and bring them back over... that way starting tomorrow we can be crystal clear about where we stand. 

She didn’t want me bringing them back over, wanted me to do it the next day. I brought them anyway and she went off saying I was invading her privacy and that if we were gonna stay friends I could have brought them another day etc. I tried to explain that I just wanted to start the next day off clear about where we stood. She got more pissy and I just said f*** it and left. 

3- next day she blocked me on everything and haven’t heard from her since. Wtf block me? 

 

I miss her and love her... but I just don’t get those three things

 

[dramafreezone]

NC I'm assuming means no contact?  If so the point is that this is something voluntary that you initiate on your end.  If you're NC how do you know she's blocking you?   Sounds like you were going to contact her otherwise, but that's neither here nor there.

1. What led to the break up?  This question would go a long way as far as explaining her reaction.  Did she dump you?

2. Why are you meeting up with her if you've broken up?  And why are you buying her stuff?  It comes across as if you're trying to buy her affection.  It's not going to work and makes you seem like you're trying to seek her approval.  As if to say "I'm not enough, so here's all of this stuff you can have if you promise to like me again."

The rest of what you wrote makes it clear that she's jerking you around and has little to no respect for you at this point.  Why would you agree to be friends with someone that dumped you?  You obviously don't want that so don't settle for less than you want.  As tough as it is, walk away, date other women.  That's the only way to regain her respect, but it's really about respecting yourself.  You deserve more than someone that's jerking you around like this.  This sounds like a very manipulative woman.

Edited December 29, 2020 by dramafreezone

[whatitdo]

Ty for responding. Well we broke up nov 21... we stayed in contact for a week and I’ve been doing NC since the 29th of nov. 

when we first met we were friend first and I said I’d always be there for her. That CHANGED when we met up and I felt she was using me to get more Christmas stuff

things weren’t going bad until I saw a pic of us on Facebook and I got mad because she knows I don’t use social media and don’t like my pics and such on social media. Apparently one night I was drunk and said she could post it. So I explained look, all your friends saw it take it down now. Of course she got mad and I explained look you had pics of guys up before did those relationship work out?

that was the final straw for her... I’m shortening a long ass story of course. But overall she felt I was trying to hide our relationship 

[whatitdo]

Oops and I know she blocked me cause she told me she was going to, and on the 29th when I tried to contact her I was blocked and noticed it on Twitter as well

[spiderowl]

Whatever happened between you regarding the break-up questions you have, it seems clear to me she is no longer interested.  She sounds angry so why bother and put up with that?

She is drawing a clear line by refusing to share wine with you.  Feelings change and sometimes there is no accounting for why.  

I think you are doing the right thing by keeping away from her and going no contact.  Trying to contact her will only fling you back into wondering what is possible.  If she wants to be with you, it should be her move now.  I doubt she will though as she was not sympathetic or understanding.

Sorry it didn't work out.  When you manage to detach from her, you will find other possibilities start to appear in your life.

 

 

[dramafreezone]

18 minutes ago, whatitdo said:

Ty for responding. Well we broke up nov 21... we stayed in contact for a week and I’ve been doing NC since the 29th of nov. 

when we first met we were friend first and I said I’d always be there for her. That CHANGED when we met up and I felt she was using me to get more Christmas stuff

things weren’t going bad until I saw a pic of us on Facebook and I got mad because she knows I don’t use social media and don’t like my pics and such on social media. Apparently one night I was drunk and said she could post it. So I explained look, all your friends saw it take it down now. Of course she got mad and I explained look you had pics of guys up before did those relationship work out?

that was the final straw for her... I’m shortening a long ass story of course. But overall she felt I was trying to hide our relationship 

Well, you did tell her you could post the pics of you, so can't blame her for that.

Yes does seem like you're leaving out a lot.  How long had you guys been dating?  Seems like a ridiculous reason for her to break up with you.  In any event it doesn't really change anything about what to do at this point.  Just walk away and date other women, which is much easier said than done I know.  She's lost all attraction to you and that isn't going to change by apologizing, buying her stuff or otherwise trying to appease her.  We guys think we have to do something to fix the situation, but that just doesn't work.  She has the upper hand and will continue to use it as long as you let her.  Walk away, don't agree to be friends because that's not what you want.  Live your life and date other women.  If she comes back around you can then decide if you want to give her another chance, but it sounds like you can do a lot better.

Edited December 29, 2020 by dramafreezone

[smackie9]

She's being pretty juvenile. Dude she's just getting back at you, she's mad, she wants revenge, she wants you punished....she messing with you, jerkin you around on purpose. For the love of god walk away and never to return.

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, whatitdo said:

She said yes, then when I got there she changed her mind.

Yeah, she was enforcing her boundaries.

On your end, you bought her stuff, wanted to spend the evening watching the movie at hers, turned up with gifts on her doorsteps despite her asking you to bring them the next day then lost your temper at her.

That's on the back of you losing your temper at her for something you can't remember agreeing upon on account of you being drunk.

All of this within a week of breaking up.

That's a pretty intense start of a friendship, to say the least.

I can see why she blocked you - she even gave you fair warning.

Stay broken up. 

[trident_2020]

She didn't want you to bring the gifts over,  you ignored her request and did it anyway. because as you told her "It's not FAIR!". This is a woman who just dumped you and you're trying to somehow win her back.

That's not how you do it.

Accept that life just ain't fair and she's a woman with emotions that you need to respect even if you don't understand them.

I read your back posts- this is the woman you met earlier this year and were looking for a place to live in and planned to marry next year.

I suggest going forward you slow things down a bit.

 

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, whatitdo said:

Ty for responding. Well we broke up nov 21... we stayed in contact for a week and I’ve been doing NC since the 29th of nov. 

when we first met we were friend first and I said I’d always be there for her. That CHANGED when we met up and I felt she was using me to get more Christmas stuff

things weren’t going bad until I saw a pic of us on Facebook and I got mad because she knows I don’t use social media and don’t like my pics and such on social media. Apparently one night I was drunk and said she could post it. So I explained look, all your friends saw it take it down now. Of course she got mad and I explained look you had pics of guys up before did those relationship work out?

that was the final straw for her... I’m shortening a long ass story of course. But overall she felt I was trying to hide our relationship 

In all honesty, she probably did use you. That is often the case with female/male so-called friend dynamics.There’s a lot of perks that come with being friends with someone that is romantically interested in you. You get gifts and then you can send them on their not-so-merry way. Don’t have to watch a movie with them and do all the romantic, sexy stuff that might come with that. And squash any DTR talks they’re trying to have when they start to pick up on things.  They are just a “friend”. 
 

I guarantee you her straight male friends like you were are  a zillion times more attentive and would put up with more bs than her straight female friends... I wonder why

 

Not everyone has any issue with doing this, so you need to protect yourself. Remove her from your life and move forward. You atent compatible to say the least. The social media posting is just one of many incompatibilities that won’t just disappear. NC for life. 

Edited December 30, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[whatitdo]

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

Whatever happened between you regarding the break-up questions you have, it seems clear to me she is no longer interested.  She sounds angry so why bother and put up with that?

She is drawing a clear line by refusing to share wine with you.  Feelings change and sometimes there is no accounting for why.  

I think you are doing the right thing by keeping away from her and going no contact.  Trying to contact her will only fling you back into wondering what is possible.  If she wants to be with you, it should be her move now.  I doubt she will though as she was not sympathetic or understanding.

Sorry it didn't work out.  When you manage to detach from her, you will find other possibilities start to appear in your life.

 

 

That was the hard part because for the week following the break up she talked about us getting back together then invited me out shopping with her a couple times ( I only bought her something once).... but like I stated when she made that friends comment that night it made me feel MAD and USED cause she didn’t make all that clear until AFTER we went shopping 

[whatitdo]

49 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Yeah, she was enforcing her boundaries.

On your end, you bought her stuff, wanted to spend the evening watching the movie at hers, turned up with gifts on her doorsteps despite her asking you to bring them the next day then lost your temper at her.

That's on the back of you losing your temper at her for something you can't remember agreeing upon on account of you being drunk.

All of this within a week of breaking up.

That's a pretty intense start of a friendship, to say the least.

I can see why she blocked you - she even gave you fair warning.

Stay broken up. 

Actually I didn’t get mad. I was actually really calm. She got upset on the phone. I calming explained I was bringing it back because I wanted to start the next day with a CLEAR understanding of where we were at as friends. 

The thing is for 7 (dating 9) months she was spoiled. Paid to redo half her moms back yard, game systems for her son, repainted her living room etc etc etc..... 

so I wanted to drop it off so that we were clear that I ain’t doing no more of that stuff. I felt she used me that night cause she first said we could sit and watch a movie..... THEN once she got everything she didn’t think it was a good idea 

[whatitdo]

36 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

She didn't want you to bring the gifts over,  you ignored her request and did it anyway. because as you told her "It's not FAIR!". This is a woman who just dumped you and you're trying to somehow win her back.

That's not how you do it.

Accept that life just ain't fair and she's a woman with emotions that you need to respect even if you don't understand them.

I read your back posts- this is the woman you met earlier this year and were looking for a place to live in and planned to marry next year.

I suggest going forward you slow things down a bit.

 

Yeah I fell hard, which isn’t like me. But to be fair I wasn’t trying to force my way over. I had literally just left her house... she was showing me some things she did to her room... 

but I had gifts that I had bought for her and her son previously at my place that I had wanted to bring back over...

The disagreement was she wanted me to bring them the next day.... still completely within her rights as it was her place. AND she still wanted me to come over the next day and hang out.

I just felt she was playing games, as earlier that day we were on phone and she was asking me why I wasn’t fighting for us.

 

maybe I’m wrong but I think the bipolar was playing an affect

 

 

[Emilie Jolie]

6 minutes ago, whatitdo said:

so I wanted to drop it off so that we were clear that I ain’t doing no more of that stuff. I felt she used me that night cause she first said we could sit and watch a movie..... THEN once she got everything she didn’t think it was a good idea 

My bad. I didn't realise the presents were bought before the friends thing and wasn't aware of the back story. I see what you're saying now about being used.

The FB thing notwithstanding, this story is laden with drama so probably best to call it quits for good.

Sorry, @whatitdo

Edited December 30, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[trident_2020]

9 minutes ago, whatitdo said:

Yeah I fell hard, which isn’t like me. But to be fair I wasn’t trying to force my way over. I had literally just left her house... she was showing me some things she did to her room... 

but I had gifts that I had bought for her and her son previously at my place that I had wanted to bring back over...

The disagreement was she wanted me to bring them the next day.... still completely within her rights as it was her place. AND she still wanted me to come over the next day and hang out.

I just felt she was playing games, as earlier that day we were on phone and she was asking me why I wasn’t fighting for us.

 

maybe I’m wrong but I think the bipolar was playing an affect

 

 

It's not a matter of being right or wrong. You're in the process of being dumped and you aren't helping yourself by ignoring her requests and justifying the reasons why you did so.

 

[whatitdo]

24 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

It's not a matter of being right or wrong. You're in the process of being dumped and you aren't helping yourself by ignoring her requests and justifying the reasons why you did so.

 

Not completely disagreeing with you. She ended things on the 21st and I left her alone. SHE reached out on the 23 to go shopping with her (I bought nothing) and texted me every day after and on the 28th we went and got Christmas stuff. 
 

from the 29th on I haven’t reached out... the three things I mentioned just keep playing with my head. Trying to let go and move on I just miss her

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, whatitdo said:

from the 29th on I haven’t reached out... the three things I mentioned just keep playing with my head. Trying to let go and move on I just miss her

In time, they probably won't bother you so much anymore. 

We sometimes never get the definitive answers we're seeking. And in my experience, as time passes and the wound isn't as fresh, we become less interested in bothering to find out. Life takes over and other things start to occupy our minds more. 

I will say, it sounds like perhaps your investment was unbalanced. Not even dating for a year, and you paid half to redo her Mom's yard? Why? We have to be careful not to confuse generosity with trying to buy someone's approval, especially that early on. Those sorts of expensive gifts and gestures are too much for a new couple and you risk getting doubly-burned in the end. 

Edited December 30, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, whatitdo said:

I brought them anyway and she went off saying I was invading her privacy and that if we were gonna stay friends I could have brought them another day etc

. She got more pissy and I just said f*** it and left.  next day she blocked me on everything and haven’t heard from her since. 

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about?

Keep your distance. Don't show up unannounced or keep carrying on as if you are still dating.

Do you want to reconcile? Does she?

She used the term friends. Whose idea is that? It seems like she's enforcing boundaries because you crossed them.

Step way back from this and reflect on why you broke up.

[whatitdo]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

In time, they probably won't bother you so much anymore. 

We sometimes never get the definitive answers we're seeking. And in my experience, as time passes and the wound isn't as fresh, we become less interested in bothering to find out. Life takes over and other things start to occupy our minds more. 

I will say, it sounds like perhaps your investment was unbalanced. Not even dating for a year, and you paid half to redo her Mom's yard? Why? We have to be careful not to confuse generosity with trying to buy someone's approval, especially that early on. Those sorts of expensive gifts and gestures are too much for a new couple and you risk getting doubly-burned in the end. 

You are 100% right. I just was blown away by here and got carried away. No if ands or buts... she was getting her nails done 2-3 times a month, shopping, whatever. 
 

I think that is part of the reason why I find it so hard to believe she left (although it was my fault), I was the most successful man she has ever dated, one of the only ones that never abused her or treated her like sh-t.... and me and her son had a great bond.

so I think 70% of is ego. Like my brother said, part of the reason is she wasn’t used to a guy like you, so half the problems stemmed from the fact that she needed more of what she was used to

[whatitdo]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about?

Keep your distance. Don't show up unannounced or keep carrying on as if you are still dating.

Do you want to reconcile? Does she?

She used the term friends. Whose idea is that? It seems like she's enforcing boundaries because you crossed them.

Step way back from this and reflect on why you broke up.

Well that’s the part ..... when we first met I said all I can offer you is a friendship, but with that I will always be here for you. So when she dumped me I of course did when dumpees do tried to stay close by being friends....but when she invited me over after to talk she started telling me how being friends is cool, but she will start dating and doesn’t want me to get bothered ( which of course pissed me off), so I explained that it’ll take some time and then we can be friends.

 

and I’ve stepped back completely... the blocking me and going off, I believe part of that was part of being bipolar. It was late and I know she hadn’t taken her nightly meds. Over the last 9 months there had been times where she just flashed over the littlest thing. Whenever she felt she couldn’t control or have it the way she envisioned .....