Husband says if his mother doesn't like me, it makes it harder for him to like me

[Broken_But_Strong]

Hi,

I am new to this forum. I need some help navigating a situation. My husband who during the initial days of dating pursued me like crazy,  begged me to marry him even though I wanted to wait. In fact, I almost broke up our engagement but my husband back then convinced me that he will love me and stand by me forever. Cut to present day - after 7 years of marriage and 2 kids he is now telling me that if his mother doesn't like me, it makes it harder for him to like me.

His mother has interfered, stalked, harassed us to the extent that we had no choice but to completely cut her out of our lives 3 years back in order to live in peace. But since cutting his mother out of our lives my husband has lost all respect for me and often insults me especially in public. He has frequently thrown me under the bus and blatantly insulted me assassinating my character and humiliating me in public since the last 3 years.  

I have been at times so fed up of constantly being treated by him like trash  I have considered leaving him but he tells me that I am overreacting and that women leave their husbands over cheating, addictions or beatings, not this. I feel deeply humiliated and insulted every time he hurts me emotionally and mentally but he makes me feel like my feelings of hurt are overreaction. 

Do you guys really think I am overreacting?? Is it wrong to expect respect from my partner? Is this how all marriages are? Please tell me. Thank you

[FMW]

You are most certainly NOT overreacting.  Relationships, including marriages, end because of a lot of different things, not just cheating/addictions/beatings.  

Insulting you in private or public is abusive and as you already know, causes damage to your emotional wellbeing.  It's completely unacceptable.  

Respect is a minimum for any type of relationship.    

[BaileyB]

It sounds like a convent isn’t way to excuse his bad behavior... Seven years into a marriage, two kids later, he has severed ties with his mother because she has not treated you with respect... no, his mother’s disapproval is not the reason why he humiliates you. 

That is assuming that HE made the decision to end contact with his mother, that he supported that decision and he has not been in continued contact with the woman. 

I would suggest that you live what you learn... the apple probably didn’t fall far from the tree, based on what you describe. In other words, his behavior sounds reminiscent of his mother’s behavior toward you. Is this the legacy that you want for your children? 

Edited December 29, 2020 by BaileyB

[Watercolors]

Your husband undermines you because he resents the fact that he sacrificed his relationship with his mother, for his relationship with you and your children together. So, his behavior makes total sense to me. You forced him to choose. That was the absolute wrong way to deal with his meddling mother. 

There are other ways you could have set up boundaries for his meddling mother. It sounds like your husband grew up in a very enmeshed relationship with his mother, the way she felt entitled to barge into your married lives the way she has, before you estranged yourselves from her. But the backlash is your husband has turncoated on you now. So you’re at yet another crossroads and you have children with him to consider with your decision to stay married or to get divorced. Because, those are your two choices at this point. I believe. 

Either start marriage counseling or go see a divorce lawyer. Your husband’s actions have shown you that he doesn’t respect you; that he gaslights you (in order to protect himself, b/c he’s insecure and passive aggressive) when you try to assert boundaries with him; that your husband doesn’t value you anymore. Time to get a mediator involved with your husband to repair the damage of separating him from his mother, in the form of a marriage counselor or divorce lawyer. I don’t see any middle ground here. Things won’t change unless you get a third party involved. 

[Foxhall]

Yes a man can have a special relationship with his mother also and sometimes perhaps a wife/girlfriend can overstep the mark and wrongly try to sabotage that special relationship,

I agree with watercolours there- the problem now is your husband is really resenting sacrificing his relationship with his Mother,

not sure could be a hard one to come back from,

my own relationship well its still only early stages -18 months-but their are issues brewing with this Mother/girlfriend issue, 

finding harmony between both parties I would view as being very important though,

perhaps reconciling with his mother is the next step for you.

[Watercolors]

10 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

Yes a man can have a special relationship with his mother also and sometimes perhaps a wife/girlfriend can overstep the mark and wrongly try to sabotage that special relationship,

I agree with watercolours there- the problem now is your husband is really resenting sacrificing his relationship with his Mother,

not sure could be a hard one to come back from,

my own relationship well its still only early stages -18 months-but their are issues brewing with this Mother/girlfriend issue, 

finding harmony between both parties I would view as being very important though,

perhaps reconciling with his mother is the next step for you.

I agree with you Foxhall. The OP could remedy this situation instead of divorce or marriage counseling - by sitting down with her husband and brainstorming boundaries that allow his mother to come back into their lives, but in limited ways, where she can’t meddle or manipulate the way she did previously. 

OP, there are ways you and your husband can set limits with his mother. What did you try in the past that failed to set limits with his mother? Don’t repeat those same mistakes. Come up with new ways. Maybe consult a therapist for advice on how to set new limits and how to follow through on consequences with your husband’s mother, when she oversteps those boundaries. But your husband has to be 100% onboard and he can’t blame you again, like he has been doing for the past three years.

Secretly, he probably didn’t want to cut his mother out of your lives, but he did it to please you which is HIS fault. Not yours. He has to take responsibility for himself. Maybe he’s not very good at doing that b/c his mother is overbearing and made all of his decisions for him. And he is too passive to stand up for himself, so now as an adult, he acts out by gaslighting you (his nearest target). He will treat your children this same way, just an FYI, if you don’t call him on his behavior now. You don’t want to raise enmeshed children who have a sense of entitlement, or who feel so walked-on, that they shut down emotionally and become passive aggressive people and act out violently as teenagers. 

There are books written by experts on your dilemma. I’d hit the library and checkout some books to help you and your husband follow the experts’ guidelines on how to introduce a toxic parent back into your family’s life in a way that is healthy for everyone. And, be strong enough emotionally, to put her in her place when she oversteps those boundaries like she did before without any real consequences from you your husband. 

[Watercolors]

Here, OP, is a great link as one resource for you to consider. 

https://www.growthcounselingservices.com/blog/2016/7/25/toxic-mother-in-laws-and-other-boundary-busters

Here is a mommy blog about how she deals with her toxic MIL. 

https://www.scarymommy.com/when-you-have-overstepping-in-laws-boundaries-are-vital/

Maybe seek out a therapist that you and your husband can go to, to help you both deal with your toxic MIL. Not as marriage counseling per se, but as family counseling. Then, invite the MIL to a session (she may or may not agree to go). 

Sometimes you have to get a third party mediator involved with such stressful family situations. What have you go to lose? 

 

 

Edited December 29, 2020 by Watercolors

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Broken_But_Strong said:

 

His mother has interfered, stalked, harassed us to the extent that we had no choice but to completely cut her out of our lives 3 years back in order to live in peace. 

Unfortunately he is an abuser, just like his mother. Abusers are often made, not born that way.

It's not an illness, it's not something you can fix. Just like his mother had to be cut off to stop the abuse, eventually, that's something you will have to consider.

Privately and confidentiality speak with a therapist. In the meantime, do not tolerate the abuse or defend yourself. 

Abuse is to keep you off balance so that he can control you. He enjoys hurting and insulting you. That's why he does it.

[ExpatInItaly]

 

16 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Your husband undermines you because he resents the fact that he sacrificed his relationship with his mother, for his relationship with you and your children together. So, his behavior makes total sense to me. You forced him to choose. That was the absolute wrong way to deal with his meddling mother. 

Insulting her and humiliating her in public makes total sense to you? 

OP, didn't say anywhere that she forced him to choose. Where did you read that? 

Edited December 30, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Acacia98]

22 hours ago, Broken_But_Strong said:

Do you guys really think I am overreacting?? Is it wrong to expect respect from my partner? Is this how all marriages are? Please tell me. Thank you

You're not overreacting. It is not wrong to expect respect from your partner. And this certainly isn't how all marriages are. If you need encouragement to leave, you will get it from many, including me.

Edited December 30, 2020 by Acacia98

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

Insulting her and humiliating her in public makes total sense to you? 

OP, didn't say anywhere that she forced him to choose. Where did you read that? 

It’s just my opinion that the OP forced her husband to choose between himself, and his mother in their lives. I have no idea if that’s how the estrangement with the MIL went. 

If the OP’s husband agreed to estrange himself from his mother at first, then later regretted doing that for the OP, then yes, his resentment of the OP makes sense. I’m not saying that I condone his abusive behavior towards the OP at all. I don’t condone it.

When you give your spouse an ultimatum “your mother or me” then you don’t solve the problem, you just postpone it, and create a new one. 

 

[BaileyB]

Simply, we don’t know how it came to be that he ended contact with his mother. We have one side of the story here, and OP didn’t say whether she gave him an ultimatum or whether he made the decision to limit contact because he was displeased with his mother’s ability to maintain a healthy boundary with his wife. Context matters here, very much. It’s difficult to give advice here OP without a little more context. 

[Pumaza]

No you are not overreacting.No not all marriage are like this.But all marriages and relationships got their issues. And no ,no one should mistreat you!Sure stand up for yourself.

Important is how you solve them.Unless its any kind of abuse,you should leave for sure.

You say what everyone done.But why his mom dont like you? He probably is mad cause he had to cut his mom to please you. And it do sound crazy,His mom is his mom.His first love. He maybe miss his mom.

Parents may be nasty sometimes.Sometimes its cause they see the partner is not a good one.Sometimes its cause of ""dumb issues" like they had someone else in mind for their son. Eitherway as married couple you have to talk alot and make choices toghater for the best. Cuttin parents of may have seem best back then.But review the situation. People can change with time,or you may got a better understanding and way to deal with them now. 

Life is short.If his parents die he will recent you more.Its sure not all on you.Hes adult and made the choice himself to. 

You guys need to talk he need to stop being nasty asap. And tell his parents under what conditions he wanna have contact.Sure tell them to respect you and you respect them. If therapist is needed ,start going ,both of you.Which i think you guys really should.

When you guys on same page.Talk to his parents,Why they dont like you,what you feel and think.And that you want the best for him. And peace. Give it some time,see...

Often people dont communicate.Maybe its just a thing that need to be said or talk about.Or they ""thoughtttttt" something ,or you did.While its completely deferent once you speak open to eachother and try to get eachothers side.

And sometimes we think we the cutest thing ever,but dont know how we come acros to others.

If its still after this so bad between you and the parents still, then let him have his relationship with his parents. And let him know at what level you will be involved. You dont have to go there or see them as much as him. Maybe only on christmas.

And teach yourself a patern how to deal with them if they get nasty.Like leave the place,and your man should support you.

I really wanna why they dont like you.

[usa1ah]

I really think it is time to take your husband to the cleaners with a divorce. 
 

He is doing everything a husband isn’t supposed to do as a husband. 
 

Divorce and find someone that really loves you. 

[d0nnivain]

When one gets married, they have an obligation to cut certain ties with their family of origin & put the spouse 1st.  

It's way past time for your husband to cut the apron strings.  Get some marriage counseling & get the counselor to hand him the scissors.