How should I interpret this situation?

[cleverusername]

8 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I think you need to take the pressure off yourself.  And kind of in a way, handle it like she is handling it.  Here's what the guys I went to college with did all the time. They were literally planting seeds with LOTS of girls, but no pressure on any one girl. Player-like, yes.  But you just have to figure, especially in this time of the pandemic and with your distance, that you shouldn't put all your focus on her. It's not 100% realistic just due to logistics at the moment.  And if you are college-age, and met online, that usually means each of you has a lot of other people you are or could be dating.  That's exactly why my college guy friends were planting seeds all over the place; come back around now and then, especially if they bumped into one of them at a party and then work that seed, lol. Same would go with you guys since you are mainly communicating online is you could respond now and then to whatever she posts or send her a text if the moment comes up or she is on your mind (within reason).  

I think you need to back off wanting something direct and immediate with her. It's put a one-itis into the whole interaction with her (that kind of makes you feel bad like you are "losing" with her).  When if you viewed it as just an investment that might pay off in the future (that you only have to water here and there), you will both take the pressure off and feel better about your interactions with her.  And I think you might get somewhere with her too (since it will be a different pattern and lots of girls like a challenge).  Plus when you get back to the same place, the logistic will make it a reality that you could date.  She feels no urgency and you kind of do--that's the disconnect.  Just flip it.  Good luck

So what, reach back out in a few months? You're telling me I should give space and poppy is telling me to take the lead. It's super confusing. Meanwhile, the woman hasn't communicated a need or preference for either. 

You're right I am putting pressure on myself, and I'm tempted to just walk away and block, but that would compromise my moral compass. Like I said before, I was willing to accept silence or move on then she contacted me after disappearing for 2 months. 

[cleverusername]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Agree with V, oneitus is bad in a sitch like this.

This Covid excuse is getting old imo, where do you live?

It's business as usual around here, I'm leaving in a few to meet a friend for dinner as a matter of fact, don't even need masks anymore...

We live on opposite coasts, but go to school in the same city. 

[poppyfields]

Just now, cleverusername said:

So what, reach back out in a few months? You're telling me I should give space and poppy is telling me to take the lead. It's super confusing. Meanwhile, the woman hasn't communicated a need or preference for either. 

You're right I am putting pressure on myself, and I'm tempted to just walk away and block, but that would compromise my moral compass. Like I said before, I was willing to accept silence or move on then she contacted me after disappearing for 2 months. 

You can (and should imo) do both!

Take the lead AND take space! 

 

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, cleverusername said:

We live on opposite coasts, but go to school in the same city. 

When does school start? 

[cleverusername]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

You can (and should imo) do both!

Take the lead AND take space! 

 

Like text her then end the conversation? 

Just now, poppyfields said:

When does school start? 

She's supposed to be moving here like end of July

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Meanwhile, the woman hasn't communicated a need or preference for either. 

 

You don't need her permission clever.  Nor do you need her to give her preference. 

You do YOU, and she's either on board or not. You should not be afraid to lose her, that sends a very poor message.

That's leading! 

[cleverusername]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You don't need her permission clever.  Nor do you need her to give her preference. 

You do YOU, and she's either on board or not. You should not be afraid to lose her, that sends a very poor message.

That's leading! 

I'm not afraid to lose her. She left me on unread for 2 months and I didn't contact her the entire time. She is the one who reached back out to me and re-initiated.I thought she was interested still so I played along. She could have easily walked away then if she wanted. She could have easily not referenced a date 2 days ago if she wanted. 

Edited May 3, 2021 by cleverusername

[Versacehottie]

3 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

So what, reach back out in a few months? You're telling me I should give space and poppy is telling me to take the lead. It's super confusing. Meanwhile, the woman hasn't communicated a need or preference for either. 

You're right I am putting pressure on myself, and I'm tempted to just walk away and block, but that would compromise my moral compass. Like I said before, I was willing to accept silence or move on then she contacted me after disappearing for 2 months. 

IMO you could reach out once a week or every other week. Or just when something comes up naturally that you have in common or that reminds you of an inside joke or that you think she would like.  In a way that is taking the lead--which is what I recommended before, so not opposed to that at all. 

You can't think all or nothing. It's what is making you upset and feeling like you've lost or are failing.  You need to back off in how much you want it.  If you've been putting in daily effort, you reduce it.  It should also make you care less. In a way, it's also like you are wanting it to pay off directly and immediately.  All my guy player friends, looked at the long game. Some things paid off immediately--some paid off few years later.  You are probably thinking "wow what a waste, who would do that?"  But it wasn't a waste because a) they had fun flirting whenever they did it b) they were getting experience with girls in the course of doing that an ego boost c)most importantly, they had other options, so usually no one girl was that uber important. And that is an important vibe to convey.  It levels things. You got this.  She's already proven you will be in her thoughts almost 2 months later.  And she's kind of shown you it's not going to pay off immediately.  So you've got to play the long game with her. 

[Versacehottie]

46 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Thanks, I'm completely ok with that if that is what she communicated to me. I was just matching her interest and communication. For example;

Monday: 

Her- How are you liking X

Me within a few hours- Response

Tuesday:

Her- Response to me

me within a few hours- response

24hrs later:

Her again

If its not working for HER all she has to do is say something, not disappear from the conversation twice. If you're going to ghost, do it all the way you know what I mean?

 

I would say that this IS working for her.  It's just at a different pace than works for you.  If you are good with this sort of pace, continue at this pace with lower expectations.

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Like text her then end the conversation? 

She's supposed to be moving here like end of July

No, not text and end the conversation, lol.

It's a mindset. Sorry I cannot teach you that.  It requires you changing your entire frame. 

End of July is not that far off. I still say put on hold and reach out again mid July.

I cannot stand protracted going nowhere on line chat anymore. BTDT.

Your call though. 

[cleverusername]

19 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

IMO you could reach out once a week or every other week. Or just when something comes up naturally that you have in common or that reminds you of an inside joke or that you think she would like.  In a way that is taking the lead--which is what I recommended before, so not opposed to that at all. 

You can't think all or nothing. It's what is making you upset and feeling like you've lost or are failing.  You need to back off in how much you want it.  If you've been putting in daily effort, you reduce it.  It should also make you care less. In a way, it's also like you are wanting it to pay off directly and immediately.  All my guy player friends, looked at the long game. Some things paid off immediately--some paid off few years later.  You are probably thinking "wow what a waste, who would do that?"  But it wasn't a waste because a) they had fun flirting whenever they did it b) they were getting experience with girls in the course of doing that an ego boost c)most importantly, they had other options, so usually no one girl was that uber important. And that is an important vibe to convey.  It levels things. You got this.  She's already proven you will be in her thoughts almost 2 months later.  And she's kind of shown you it's not going to pay off immediately.  So you've got to play the long game with her. 

Same as below. I'm just matching her. So you're saying just put in less effort than she is? It sounds to me like she is putting in the bare minimum so I should do the same? I'm just trying to find a value between interested and needy, it's just really hard when the timeline keeps shifting because of COVID, I don't think people understand how much harder it's made it. Especially as a man when you're expected to take the lead, it's one thing for a few weeks, it's a whole other one when a few weeks turns into half a year. Not really worried about the ego boost, I get asked out by women and hit on weekly, thats part of why I'm so drawn to this woman, it's different and the scarcity principle or whatever.

17 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I would say that this IS working for her.  It's just at a different pace than works for you.  If you are good with this sort of pace, continue at this pace with lower expectations.

I'm ok with this pace because it's the established norm. Thats why Im confused how to respond or what to do when it just stops with no response. Especially since the last time it happened I didn't hear back for 2 months I think it's reasonable for me to be a little apprehensive.

Edited May 3, 2021 by cleverusername

[Versacehottie]

But I think you are basically responding TO her and any delay you take in responding to her is calculated--ie it's not what you would really do.  You actually want more than she is giving you or willing to give you, it seems. So that won't work.  It is like wanting all or nothing.  At first it's probably not going to be comfortable to do the "in-between" stuff.  Gonna feel counter-intuitive.  I don't know if I can really explain it either--all I can say is you are waiting for the payoff and for her to confirm the emotion you feel for her or reciprocate it.  You both need to face that head on and more as a leader as has been said by poppy and I think I said something similar when you first started the thread.  And more like you don't give AF what happens.  It's more attractive.  You don't tell her about the girls who hit on you every day but you've got to remind yourself

[Versacehottie]

Listen what would a guy who has lots of options do when she is not giving him good attention.  He'd get distracted by the other options....There has to be some element of that conveyed in a way, like if she disappears on you.

July really isn't that far away so time will tell what her real intention is. Maybe she is just practical. What do you want that she is not giving you? When dating right now isn't a possibility?  

[cleverusername]

14 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Listen what would a guy who has lots of options do when she is not giving him good attention.  He'd get distracted by the other options....There has to be some element of that conveyed in a way, like if she disappears on you.

July really isn't that far away so time will tell what her real intention is. Maybe she is just practical. What do you want that she is not giving you? When dating right now isn't a possibility?  

Consistency and communication. If you’re not going to reply, great. Just give me a time frame or excuse for it instead of dropping of the face of the earth. she says she’s still interested, and her actions say she’s interested, but then she does this twice (the first time for 2 months) and it just feels like a giant F-you and makes me question it. How long does it take to type, “I’ll be busy”? Does it really take 8 weeks to realize you didn’t see a message? But then to care enough to reach back out after all that time and still hint at a date only to do it again? I’m not asking for a relationship, just a little common courtesy. Maybe that’s too much to ask?

Its the mixed signals that confuse me. Maybe she doesn’t know herself what signal to send. 

Edited May 3, 2021 by cleverusername

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, cleverusername said:

Thanks, I'm completely ok with that if that is what she communicated to me. I was just matching her interest and communication. For example;

Monday: 

Her- How are you liking X

Me within a few hours- Response

Tuesday:

Her- Response to me

me within a few hours- response

24hrs later:

Her again

If its not working for HER all she has to do is say something, not disappear from the conversation twice. If you're going to ghost, do it all the way you know what I mean?

 

Well, I usually respond the same day (or right away if I am on my phone).

Sometimes when he says he'll call me later and then doesn't, I just assume it's because he's busy.

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, cleverusername said:

Consistency and communication. If you’re not going to reply, great. Just give me a time frame or excuse for it instead of dropping of the face of the earth. she says she’s still interested, and her actions say she’s interested, but then she does this twice (the first time for 2 months) and it just feels like a giant F-you and makes me question it.

Maybe part of your dissatisfaction stems from having mismatched expectations going into this? 

Perhaps a different approach would be to avoid early attachments to an experience or to her. 

It's fine to have high standards for yourself, but that means being at ease with being alone with yourself, knowing that you're valued with or without her in your life.

But if you feel her inconsistencies become more irritating than your genuine enjoyment of one another, it might be time to call it a day.

[Yosemite]

4 hours ago, cleverusername said:

Today we were having a great conversation and randomly she just liked the message and didn't reply.

What did you say that she didnt reply to?

How long had you been texting at that point?

Maybe she had something to do and couldn't text all day long...

4 hours ago, cleverusername said:

She also really doesn't ask questions, I'll give her the opportunity to but she won't really capitalize.

Maybe she's a bad conversationalist...it's hard to keep a conversation going over text. Don't read too much into it. 

BTW, you don't hint at a date, you just ask her out. But wait until you've seen her in person. 

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, cleverusername said:

Consistency and communication. If you’re not going to reply, great. Just give me a time frame or excuse for it instead of dropping of the face of the earth. she says she’s still interested, and her actions say she’s interested, but then she does this twice (the first time for 2 months) and it just feels like a giant F-you and makes me question it. How long does it take to type, “I’ll be busy”? Does it really take 8 weeks to realize you didn’t see a message? But then to care enough to reach back out after all that time and still hint at a date only to do it again? I’m not asking for a relationship, just a little common courtesy. Maybe that’s too much to ask?

Its the mixed signals that confuse me. Maybe she doesn’t know herself what signal to send. 

ummm IMO that's not how it works in practice...what people SHOULD do and what they DO are two different things.  If you want to only focus on what people should do and make sure it lines up with what you think and believe and allow no leeway otherwise you will feel f*cked (and not in the good way), well then she's not the girl for you.  That said, I think that is too rigid and limiting of an approach given the situation and really a lot of times in general. In my view, you guy are friends, maybe flirty friends if you met via an app or the dating part was always up front with you.  But since you cannot date due to the distance anyway, you're friends with the potential for something more.  And your expectations should be in line with that.  In other words, she's not going to say "oh clever btw I'm not going to reply for a few days bc I'm somewhat flakey and this isn't a priority to me"--she's just going to do it. You still are having a black and white mentality about it. If you feel like she is doing it malicious or from the point that she has a bad character, then you shouldn't BE interested in her, right?  I mean all of those are traits that would follow her into this dating relationship you want to have with her, right?  If she's being flakey, why wouldn't it put you into the grey area where you don't know if you do or don't want to date her?  Gotta get more comfortable with the grey area.  Gotta put yourself in the driver's seat of being the chooser, not waiting to be chosen.

I was also thinking that you are being the tentative one. That gives her all the power and really chips away at your attractiveness.  Also always best if the guy is not the tentative one IMO (that's the leader stuff--it's not just literally who initiates, even that is not as it seems sometimes...a good example being that you initiate with her but it's because you want something from her and she sets the pace; she's pretty much the leader in a lot of ways).

I'm pretty responsible toward people, but even though I am, it's not just automatic that a person has that priority level.  All you can take away from what she is doing to you is that she is either flakey in general or you are not that level of priority to her (yet)...for whatever reason.  Even though I'm responsible, I wouldn't reach out to tell someone I wasn't planning to reply to tell them I'll be busy.  It's not up for debate...And more likely i'd be thinking I'll reach back out when I have time.  And let's just assume you are not talking about anything pressing or urgent, is that right?  Yeah, if we are just chatting and I don't have time to chat or it's not a priority to me, I'm not reaching out to say that. I won't even know when that period of being too busy to talk is going to be over.  So I think your expectations here are out of line.  Also quality over quantity. If the conversations are boring time fillers, well then she is probably taking them for granted. Some scarcity would help.

I know what you are driving at that with you putting in 8 months of effort, why isn't she more responsive and responsible toward you? Well, of course, that's a good question. If you feel like she is jerking you around for no good reason, well yeah don't be interested. But the fact is that you ARE interested.  I would also say it's not for NO good reason. You haven't been on the first date; you can't even go on a date for a few months--maybe the roles are somewhat reversed in that usually it would be the guy who is not going to put in much effort if there isn't an more immediate chance or a real date. You have options; well I'm guessing she does too. Maybe she's utilizing those. Maybe something with the tentative nature of your interactions make her on/and off you (i'm guessing that's probably likely just since she did disappear for 7 weeks).  Maybe she is into you but expecting you to handle things a certain way and you don't so she secretly miffed or drops out waiting for you to be in touch and it's a stalemate.  It's all really pointless because you cannot date for several months, which IS the bottom line.

It's almost like your expectations right now for each other aren't on the same page.  Unless you get onto the same page with them it's not going to work. You are already resentful and it's chipping away at your confidence about her.  A losing proposition.  I kind of think her expectations are more realistic.  You can't let her toy with you though--for attention seeking stuff--if that's what's happening.  I didn't get that from what you said but if you think she's doing that I don't see why you'd really like her other than she's hard to get.  the thing is, too, if you can't drop back to the slower person's expectations, it really almost never works.  Maybe you two just aren't cut from the same cloth in that way in terms of how you hold expectations. 

I definitely have dropped in and out of guys' lives in college   As well it's been done to me. (I definitely didn't really presume malicious intent). I think the most attractive thing a person can do is act excited/happy to hear from you. Like they are in the present, rather than hung up in the past on this missing time. In an instant that conveys that you are confident, have been living your own life, HAVE your own life and don't have outsized expectations about them or are just difficult to be with/not fun or are pressuring you.  I literally can't think of a guy that I've done that to where they didn't really act happy and confident when they did hear from me--to their credit & vice versa. Otherwise, there's really no point in talking. If you aren't boyfriend/girlfriend, there aren't really those obligations. And once you become an obligation, it's not really fun.  If you haven't been on your first date, you certainly don't want to be an obligation--you want to be fun.  And the ones that felt like obligations, I don't even remember them because I didn't drop in and out of their lives...like once that card is shown, it was a done deal.

Lol, I just remembered one guy who was a bit obligatory with me--he was gorgeous, and initially seemed pretty fun but honestly I thought of him as needy like a week into dating him.  You know how almost everyone gets really sick the first few months of the semester? Well I was really sick and he had expectations about being in touch, calling, texting, wanting to come over.I literally felt like I was on my deathbed, like I couldn't talk to anyone. It was a huge pit of obligation which I had started to notice signs of earlier.  Finally I was so exhausted from trying to brush him off, I did let him come over but in my mind I knew I would be breaking up with him as soon as I was better.  I think, to me, it was a valuable lesson that in a way, some people will act like they are doing what is good for you and kind but it's really more about them and actually kind of selfish and needy. The ultimate turn off.  He was acted like he was making it about me and caring for me when I kept telling him what I would like to do was be asleep, getting better by myself and I didn't want him to get sick. I hope you can see some similarities--I don't usually use personal examples and that isn't the point. I'm not saying that you are those things but you definitely don't want to be an obligation as it almost always has this effect IMO.  It also conveys that you are way ahead in your mind about what you are to each other. You just have to be real with yourself.  I know you are saying you just want consistency, but it FEELS like a relationship type expectation. I'm forgetting now but have you even met?  If you've never even met this is way too much. Plus you don't want the regular contact, or feeling that one must check in to KILL the potential of the relationship, which if you act like that before you're dating it often does. There are a million stories like that on this forum.

I'd say you have to be able to come up with a pace that is good for you both or you should just pick back up (or try to) when you are back at school.  If whatever she is doing, makes you feel disrespected or a doormat, then back off.  I do think you are probably being too touchy about it though. If I'd never been on a date with a guy (and especially if I'd never met him), I'm not going to talk with regularity for 8 months to him.  It creates an expectation, it is an obligation, I'd be aware that it's probably boring at times when we haven't even gotten things off the ground.  All that.  So you just have to put yourself in what would be best for your investment to pay off.  And getting what you want in the short run (ie more consistency or some warning if she's going to disappear) is probably going to kill what you might want in the long run. i'd opt out of being a daily pen pal. Ok good luck

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, cleverusername said:

 spend 8 months talking to someone.

Unfortunately seems like the friendzone.

Maybe she's bored, got dumped, looking for attention, who knows?

Whatever the case it doesn't seem worth your while to bother with her 

Why not clean the dead weight out your social media? It wastes time energy etc to allow unwanted nonsense into your life.

Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps and that way this type of nonsense breadcrumbs wouldn't happen. 

[cleverusername]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately seems like the friendzone.

Maybe she's bored, got dumped, looking for attention, who knows?

Whatever the case it doesn't seem worth your while to bother with her 

Why not clean the dead weight out your social media? It wastes time energy etc to allow unwanted nonsense into your life.

Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps and that way this type of nonsense breadcrumbs wouldn't happen. 

I thought about it, but I personally think it's kind of a shitty thing to do. If someone else does it, whatever but I don't want that reflection on myself. Especially because we will see each other semi-regularly.

[cleverusername]

4 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

ummm IMO that's not how it works in practice...what people SHOULD do and what they DO are two different things.  If you want to only focus on what people should do and make sure it lines up with what you think and believe and allow no leeway otherwise you will feel f*cked (and not in the good way), well then she's not the girl for you.  That said, I think that is too rigid and limiting of an approach given the situation and really a lot of times in general. In my view, you guy are friends, maybe flirty friends if you met via an app or the dating part was always up front with you.  But since you cannot date due to the distance anyway, you're friends with the potential for something more.  And your expectations should be in line with that.  In other words, she's not going to say "oh clever btw I'm not going to reply for a few days bc I'm somewhat flakey and this isn't a priority to me"--she's just going to do it. You still are having a black and white mentality about it. If you feel like she is doing it malicious or from the point that she has a bad character, then you shouldn't BE interested in her, right?  I mean all of those are traits that would follow her into this dating relationship you want to have with her, right?  If she's being flakey, why wouldn't it put you into the grey area where you don't know if you do or don't want to date her?  Gotta get more comfortable with the grey area.  Gotta put yourself in the driver's seat of being the chooser, not waiting to be chosen.

I was also thinking that you are being the tentative one. That gives her all the power and really chips away at your attractiveness.  Also always best if the guy is not the tentative one IMO (that's the leader stuff--it's not just literally who initiates, even that is not as it seems sometimes...a good example being that you initiate with her but it's because you want something from her and she sets the pace; she's pretty much the leader in a lot of ways).

I'm pretty responsible toward people, but even though I am, it's not just automatic that a person has that priority level.  All you can take away from what she is doing to you is that she is either flakey in general or you are not that level of priority to her (yet)...for whatever reason.  Even though I'm responsible, I wouldn't reach out to tell someone I wasn't planning to reply to tell them I'll be busy.  It's not up for debate...And more likely i'd be thinking I'll reach back out when I have time.  And let's just assume you are not talking about anything pressing or urgent, is that right?  Yeah, if we are just chatting and I don't have time to chat or it's not a priority to me, I'm not reaching out to say that. I won't even know when that period of being too busy to talk is going to be over.  So I think your expectations here are out of line.  Also quality over quantity. If the conversations are boring time fillers, well then she is probably taking them for granted. Some scarcity would help.

I know what you are driving at that with you putting in 8 months of effort, why isn't she more responsive and responsible toward you? Well, of course, that's a good question. If you feel like she is jerking you around for no good reason, well yeah don't be interested. But the fact is that you ARE interested.  I would also say it's not for NO good reason. You haven't been on the first date; you can't even go on a date for a few months--maybe the roles are somewhat reversed in that usually it would be the guy who is not going to put in much effort if there isn't an more immediate chance or a real date. You have options; well I'm guessing she does too. Maybe she's utilizing those. Maybe something with the tentative nature of your interactions make her on/and off you (i'm guessing that's probably likely just since she did disappear for 7 weeks).  Maybe she is into you but expecting you to handle things a certain way and you don't so she secretly miffed or drops out waiting for you to be in touch and it's a stalemate.  It's all really pointless because you cannot date for several months, which IS the bottom line.

It's almost like your expectations right now for each other aren't on the same page.  Unless you get onto the same page with them it's not going to work. You are already resentful and it's chipping away at your confidence about her.  A losing proposition.  I kind of think her expectations are more realistic.  You can't let her toy with you though--for attention seeking stuff--if that's what's happening.  I didn't get that from what you said but if you think she's doing that I don't see why you'd really like her other than she's hard to get.  the thing is, too, if you can't drop back to the slower person's expectations, it really almost never works.  Maybe you two just aren't cut from the same cloth in that way in terms of how you hold expectations. 

I definitely have dropped in and out of guys' lives in college   As well it's been done to me. (I definitely didn't really presume malicious intent). I think the most attractive thing a person can do is act excited/happy to hear from you. Like they are in the present, rather than hung up in the past on this missing time. In an instant that conveys that you are confident, have been living your own life, HAVE your own life and don't have outsized expectations about them or are just difficult to be with/not fun or are pressuring you.  I literally can't think of a guy that I've done that to where they didn't really act happy and confident when they did hear from me--to their credit & vice versa. Otherwise, there's really no point in talking. If you aren't boyfriend/girlfriend, there aren't really those obligations. And once you become an obligation, it's not really fun.  If you haven't been on your first date, you certainly don't want to be an obligation--you want to be fun.  And the ones that felt like obligations, I don't even remember them because I didn't drop in and out of their lives...like once that card is shown, it was a done deal.

Lol, I just remembered one guy who was a bit obligatory with me--he was gorgeous, and initially seemed pretty fun but honestly I thought of him as needy like a week into dating him.  You know how almost everyone gets really sick the first few months of the semester? Well I was really sick and he had expectations about being in touch, calling, texting, wanting to come over.I literally felt like I was on my deathbed, like I couldn't talk to anyone. It was a huge pit of obligation which I had started to notice signs of earlier.  Finally I was so exhausted from trying to brush him off, I did let him come over but in my mind I knew I would be breaking up with him as soon as I was better.  I think, to me, it was a valuable lesson that in a way, some people will act like they are doing what is good for you and kind but it's really more about them and actually kind of selfish and needy. The ultimate turn off.  He was acted like he was making it about me and caring for me when I kept telling him what I would like to do was be asleep, getting better by myself and I didn't want him to get sick. I hope you can see some similarities--I don't usually use personal examples and that isn't the point. I'm not saying that you are those things but you definitely don't want to be an obligation as it almost always has this effect IMO.  It also conveys that you are way ahead in your mind about what you are to each other. You just have to be real with yourself.  I know you are saying you just want consistency, but it FEELS like a relationship type expectation. I'm forgetting now but have you even met?  If you've never even met this is way too much. Plus you don't want the regular contact, or feeling that one must check in to KILL the potential of the relationship, which if you act like that before you're dating it often does. There are a million stories like that on this forum.

I'd say you have to be able to come up with a pace that is good for you both or you should just pick back up (or try to) when you are back at school.  If whatever she is doing, makes you feel disrespected or a doormat, then back off.  I do think you are probably being too touchy about it though. If I'd never been on a date with a guy (and especially if I'd never met him), I'm not going to talk with regularity for 8 months to him.  It creates an expectation, it is an obligation, I'd be aware that it's probably boring at times when we haven't even gotten things off the ground.  All that.  So you just have to put yourself in what would be best for your investment to pay off.  And getting what you want in the short run (ie more consistency or some warning if she's going to disappear) is probably going to kill what you might want in the long run. i'd opt out of being a daily pen pal. Ok good luck

Thanks, I think the  "But since you cannot date due to the distance anyway, you're friends with the potential for something more.  And your expectations should be in line with that" really makes sense. I think I know what I need to do but my only question is how do I not be tentative but also not be obligatory? Like just wait for her to reach back out to me or is it ok for me to reach back out to her after a few months do you think? I'm thinking just whichever happens first.

 

I have 0 problem backing off, and I did for those entire 2 months without contacting her, she reached out to me. Maybe I should just reciprocate that? I think the problem is just my mindset. I felt obligated to honor my word, even though the time frame shifted. Like I said, it was supposed to only be a few weeks of talking before a date and that turned into months. I guess I should just give up the idea of it happening all together and maybe it will be better. There's really no way to backpedal on my past actions at this point though, is there?

Edited May 3, 2021 by cleverusername

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

. Especially because we will see each other semi-regularly.

Ok, that's fine but why does she need access to your social media content?

Seems like you would like to reconcile so want to keep that door open.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately seems like the friendzone.

Maybe she's bored, got dumped, looking for attention, who knows?

Whatever the case it doesn't seem worth your while to bother with her 

Agreed with all of this. 

If it takes months to even have a decent conversation with her, she just isn't that interested. Sorry OP, but I think this is colossal waste of your time. 

[cleverusername]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, that's fine but why does she need access to your social media content?

Seems like you would like to reconcile so want to keep that door open.

 

You're right. I'm leaving the door open, whether she chooses to walk through it or not is up to her but I'm not going to be putting in any more effort. She knows where I stand

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Agreed with all of this. 

If it takes months to even have a decent conversation with her, she just isn't that interested. Sorry OP, but I think this is colossal waste of your time. 

That's kind of what I'm thinking. I'm just going to let her do the "chasing". She knows where I stand, If she wants it she can come and get it herself but I'm not going to continue to carry this.

[cleverusername]

7 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Maybe part of your dissatisfaction stems from having mismatched expectations going into this? 

Perhaps a different approach would be to avoid early attachments to an experience or to her. 

It's fine to have high standards for yourself, but that means being at ease with being alone with yourself, knowing that you're valued with or without her in your life.

But if you feel her inconsistencies become more irritating than your genuine enjoyment of one another, it might be time to call it a day.

Thanks, I think the problem is that I didn't shift my expectations. It shifted from a few weeks at most to a few months, at that point I should have shifted my frame of mind but I didn't. That led to this disappointment. I guess there's really no way to recover from this huh?