How should I interpret this situation?

[cleverusername]

23 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Well you sound happy, are you gonna tell us what happened?  Did you message her?  

What's the small victory?  

HNY to you too!  

Yeah, I sent a message and was anticipating a sort of lukewarm response at best, if any.

What I got was actually quite flirty, appreciative, and engaging right off the bat, so way better than what I was expecting. 

I’ll take it! 

 

[poppyfields]

25 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Yeah, I sent a message and was anticipating a sort of lukewarm response at best, if any.

What I got was actually quite flirty, appreciative, and engaging right off the bat, so way better than what I was expecting. 

I’ll take it!

Told ya!  Glad it worked out.

Relax, have fun, enjoy the journey. 

Don't allow fear to drive your ship, kiss of death! 

Edited January 1, 2021 by poppyfields

[JSmith123]

2 hours ago, cleverusername said:

Yeah, I sent a message and was anticipating a sort of lukewarm response at best, if any.

What I got was actually quite flirty, appreciative, and engaging right off the bat, so way better than what I was expecting. 

I’ll take it! 

 

So when are you meeting up for an actual date?

That is what you asked her during your messages, right?

[poppyfields]

His original post said they're not in the same city at the moment and had planned a date when school resumed. 

It was a feeler text.  Seems to have generated good feels on both sides. 

Keep it going cleverguy, it sounds very positive! 

Edited January 1, 2021 by poppyfields

[cleverusername]

7 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Told ya!  Glad it worked out.

Relax, have fun, enjoy the journey. 

Don't allow fear to drive your ship, kiss of death! 

Thanks friend!  

[cleverusername]

Figured I'd update the situation:

Went very well for a while. Conversation was flirty and great, then it just stopped. That was almost two months ago, got left on unread. She's still following me and looks at my social media, but hasn't responded or opened it and I'm not going to double message. I think the term is "orbiting"? Anyway, I'm over it. It's not hard to be honest.

This has been my TED Talk, don't forget to buy a shirt on your way out. 

Edited March 9, 2021 by cleverusername

[dramafreezone]

6 hours ago, cleverusername said:

Figured I'd update the situation:

Went very well for a while. Conversation was flirty and great, then it just stopped. That was almost two months ago, got left on unread. She's still following me and looks at my social media, but hasn't responded or opened it and I'm not going to double message. I think the term is "orbiting"? Anyway, I'm over it. It's not hard to be honest.

This has been my TED Talk, don't forget to buy a shirt on your way out. 

Did you ever get together to see each other?  At some point women need to move it from conversation to actually seeing each other.  They don't want penpals.

I think it's another guy again, like I mentioned in my first post.  Maybe that guy is closer to her, he's progressed things, she just likes him more, or a combination of all of these.  Maybe she was just texting you for the attention.  Nothing to do at this point but move on.

Edited March 9, 2021 by dramafreezone

[cleverusername]

36 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Did you ever get together to see each other?  At some point women need to move it from conversation to actually seeing each other.  They don't want penpals.

I think it's another guy again, like I mentioned in my first post.  Maybe that guy is closer to her, he's progressed things, she just likes him more, or a combination of all of these.  Maybe she was just texting you for the attention.  Nothing to do at this point but move on.

No, the hope was we would be in the same place by now buy COVID restrictions put a damper on that. I have no problem if she moved on or was tired of waiting, its whatever. But having the balls to not reply to a message, to just flat out end it, or anything of the sort but still hover around? 

[dramafreezone]

That makes sense.  Maybe it's just a matter of poor timing due to the pandemic.

But the way she just dropped off, that's not uncommon at all.  She's not going to just come out and say "I'm bored with you" and she doesn't want some kind of uncomfortable conversation about it.  So she just ghosted.

[cleverusername]

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

That makes sense.  Maybe it's just a matter of poor timing due to the pandemic.

But the way she just dropped off, that's not uncommon at all.  She's not going to just come out and say "I'm bored with you" and she doesn't want some kind of uncomfortable conversation about it.  So she just ghosted.

True. Which is what I don't understand. I would much rather someone just flat out tell me it won't work then this half in half out crap. Especially because we will very likely run into each other multiple times and run in somewhat of the same circle. If it was some random person I met online, cool whatever, but someone you will see out on the streets? Talk about uncomfortable.... 

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, cleverusername said:

True. Which is what I don't understand. I would much rather someone just flat out tell me it won't work then this half in half out crap. Especially because we will very likely run into each other multiple times and run in somewhat of the same circle. If it was some random person I met online, cool whatever, but someone you will see out on the streets? Talk about uncomfortable.... 

Don't know what to tell you.  All guys would prefer a direct explanation, but another part of my knows why many women aren't direct on these matters.  Most of them have run into some clingy or psycho guy who doesn't accept her answer or just flips out on her.  So they just avoid the situation entirely and hope you get the hint.  I think if you just accept that some men have ruined the opportunity for reasonable guys to get a straight answer, you'll be at peace with it.

Edited March 9, 2021 by dramafreezone

[cleverusername]

3 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Don't know what to tell you.  All guys would prefer a direct explanation, but another part of my knows why many women aren't direct on these matters.  Most of them have run into some clingy or psycho guy who doesn't accept her answer or just flips out on her.  So they just avoid the situation entirely.  I think if you just accept that some men have ruined the opportunity for reasonable guys to get a straight answer, you'll be at peace with it.

NBD, not my problem. Not going to be awkward for me, I was thinking more about her. But it is what it is. 

[cleverusername]

Alright guys, I need some sense talked into me or a pep talk or advice or something

She ended up reaching back out after about 7 weeks and said she "didn't see the message" and apologized (this was a few months ago). I gave the benefit of the doubt even though I don't really believe it (it may have been some family issues I think) so now we've been talking off and on for about 8 months. I've hinted at and she has hinted at our date as recently as this week and it's been received enthusiastically by both of us. The problem is sometimes she's distant. Today we were having a great conversation and randomly she just liked the message and didn't reply. She also really doesn't ask questions, I'll give her the opportunity to but she won't really capitalize. I she'll respond but most of the questions and subjects have to come from me.

Maybe I'm just reading too much into the whole "liked message" thing and I know I'm not owed anything, but given the previous hot/cold I'm a little weary and would love to hear some objective opinions as I've never done anything long-distance/ pre-date stuff like this. I feel like she's interested, she says she's interested, and we've had deeper conversations and she has opened up to me some. But the actions (how I read it) tell me it's meh. Maybe she's just putting in the bare minimum? I don't understand why you would reference a date and spend 8 months talking to someone if you were just leading them on? It's just frustrating because of the ambiguity. 

Edited May 3, 2021 by cleverusername

[poppyfields]

Hi clever, I think for some people on-line messaging can feel tedious and pressured.  

8 months?  Too long without meeting.  Burn out.  Yawn.

Why not put it all on hold until such time you can actually meet in person?  

Even if you disconnect, you can re-connect when the time comes to meet, and you can escalate properly at that time - in person. 

It sucks, but if you keep pushing this on-line interaction, you may burn out which sounds like is already happening and even when you are able to meet, she (or you or both) won't even want to.

[cleverusername]

20 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hi clever, I think for some people on-line messaging can feel tedious and pressured.  

8 months?  Too long without meeting.  Burn out.  Yawn.

Why not put it all on hold until such time you can actually meet in person?  

Even if you disconnect, you can re-connect when the time comes to meet, and you can escalate properly at that time - in person. 

It sucks, but if you keep pushing this on-line interaction, you may burn out which sounds like is already happening and even when you are able to meet, she (or you or both) won't even want to.

Thanks Poppy

I know It was supposed to be a few weeks, then because of COVID it turned into a few months. The way she communicates too prolongs it. It's not texting all day every day, it's one or two at most a day from each of us so it's not a ton. Just a long running conversation. I'm just confused because she reached back out to me, then is the one to end the conversation. Both times it's just been random ends which is what bothers me. If its communicated, "Oh lets just re-connect when it's time" or "I'm going to busy" or "I'm not feeling this", great. But there is no finality to just ending it, especially when you're the one who started it.

I can't tell if I'm just being led on or what. But why invest 8 months into something you didn't want to follow through with? or hint at a date this week? And obviously I can't confront her on it..... I’m just doing the best I can.

Edited May 3, 2021 by cleverusername

[poppyfields]

>>It's not texting all day every day, it's one or two at most a day from each of us so it's not a ton. 

Lol, one or two a day?  That would feel like a ton to me, overkill, I would feel extremely pressured to maintain that indefinitely!  

Where's the mystery, the intrigue, the uncertainty?  All of which builds attraction? 

No wonder she faded out and is fading out again.

If you must text, once a week!  But like I said, best to put it on hold until you meet in person.

Covid is on it's last legs here in US, we should all be properly vaccinated by late June. 

Edited May 3, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

Why are you waiting for her to call the shots?  To lead?

YOU lead!  Communicate to her what you want and expect, she's either on board or not.

Would you be okay with putting on hold and reconnecting and escalating (assuming you click in person) when and after you're able to meet? 

As it stands now, this on-line interaction going on is one long road to never-never land. 

Jmo. 

Edited May 3, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

Last year, I began long-distance communication with someone.

We've discussed seeing each other again in a few months if we are both still single, but I don't feel the need to speak to him every day.

I hope this helps in some way.

[cleverusername]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Why are you waiting for her to call the shots?  To lead?

YOU lead!  Communicate to her what you want and expect, she's either on board or not.

Would you be okay with putting on hold and reconnecting and escalating (assuming you click in person) when you're able to meet? 

As it stands now, this on-line interaction is one long road to never-never land. 

Jmo. 

Yes I would have been ok with putting it on hold and reconnecting, I was willing to do that at the start. Then it got pushed back a few months. Then she went silent on me and I was willing to accept the quiet. Then SHE reached back out to me and went silent again. How am I supposed to lead and give distance at the same time?

She would text me, I would respond within a few hours, and she would respond the next day. I don't understand what more I can do? I can't read minds, if she wants put things on hold and the pace isn't working for her, great. Say something. But I don't get why she would contact me, then not like the fact I'm matching her pace. At the very least you can say something, especially given the fact she said she was looking forward to the date a few days ago.

 

Edited May 3, 2021 by cleverusername

[cleverusername]

22 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Last year, I began long-distance communication with someone.

We've discussed seeing each other again in a few months if we are both still single, but I don't feel the need to speak to him every day.

I hope this helps in some way.

Thanks, I'm completely ok with that if that is what she communicated to me. I was just matching her interest and communication. For example;

Monday: 

Her- How are you liking X

Me within a few hours- Response

Tuesday:

Her- Response to me

me within a few hours- response

24hrs later:

Her again

If its not working for HER all she has to do is say something, not disappear from the conversation twice. If you're going to ghost, do it all the way you know what I mean?

 

Edited May 3, 2021 by cleverusername

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Yes I would have been ok with putting it on hold and reconnecting, I was willing to do that at the start. Then it got pushed back a few months. Then she went silent on me and I was willing to accept the quiet. Then SHE reached back out to me and went silent again. How am I supposed to lead and give distance at the same time?

She would text me, I would respond within a few hours, and she would respond the next day. I don't understand what more I can do? I can't read minds, if she wants put things on hold and the pace isn't working for her, great. Say something. But I don't get why she would contact me, then not like the fact I'm matching her pace. At the very least you can say something, especially given the fact she said she was looking forward to the date a few days ago.

 

She's leading, calling the shots, and you're allowing it. 

clever, there's A LOT you can do as the leader here.  

I typically prefer to follow a man's lead, assuming I'm interested in him,  so other than telling her what you want and expect, I cannot advise you how to lead, perhaps another man could.  

Good luck! 

Edited May 3, 2021 by poppyfields

[cleverusername]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

She's leading and you're allowing it.  There's ALOT you can do as the leader.  

I typically follow a man's lead, so cannot advise you how to lead, perhaps another man could.  

You're going to have to elaborate? I have no idea how thats leading. It sounds like game playing and I hate playing games. I'm carrying the conversation, I'm the one who asked her out, I'm the one who did the escalating and initiate the flirting. Not sure what more I can do, she reached out to me after she went silent on me.  If someone goes silent on me for weeks without an explanation for ending it, I'm not going to be the one to reach back out.

Edited May 3, 2021 by cleverusername

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, cleverusername said:

Thanks Poppy

I know It was supposed to be a few weeks, then because of COVID it turned into a few months. The way she communicates too prolongs it. It's not texting all day every day, it's one or two at most a day from each of us so it's not a ton. Just a long running conversation. I'm just confused because she reached back out to me, then is the one to end the conversation. Both times it's just been random ends which is what bothers me. If its communicated, "Oh lets just re-connect when it's time" or "I'm going to busy" or "I'm not feeling this", great. But there is no finality to just ending it, especially when you're the one who started it.

I can't tell if I'm just being led on or what. But why invest 8 months into something you didn't want to follow through with? or hint at a date this week? And obviously I can't confront her on it..... I’m just doing the best I can.

I think you need to take the pressure off yourself.  And kind of in a way, handle it like she is handling it.  Here's what the guys I went to college with did all the time. They were literally planting seeds with LOTS of girls, but no pressure on any one girl. Player-like, yes.  But you just have to figure, especially in this time of the pandemic and with your distance, that you shouldn't put all your focus on her. It's not 100% realistic just due to logistics at the moment.  And if you are college-age, and met online, that usually means each of you has a lot of other people you are or could be dating.  That's exactly why my college guy friends were planting seeds all over the place; come back around now and then, especially if they bumped into one of them at a party and then work that seed, lol. Same would go with you guys since you are mainly communicating online is you could respond now and then to whatever she posts or send her a text if the moment comes up or she is on your mind (within reason).  

I think you need to back off wanting something direct and immediate with her. It's put a one-itis into the whole interaction with her (that kind of makes you feel bad like you are "losing" with her).  When if you viewed it as just an investment that might pay off in the future (that you only have to water here and there), you will both take the pressure off and feel better about your interactions with her.  And I think you might get somewhere with her too (since it will be a different pattern and lots of girls like a challenge).  Plus when you get back to the same place, the logistic will make it a reality that you could date.  She feels no urgency and you kind of do--that's the disconnect.  Just flip it.  Good luck

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

You're going to have to elaborate? I have no idea how thats leading. It sounds like game playing and I hate playing games. I'm carrying the conversation, I'm the one who asked her out, I'm the one who did the escalating and initiate the flirting. Not sure what more I can do.

clever, come on. If you think she's playing games, then you need to communicate that to her.

Do NOT be afraid to call her out if she's behaving flakey or game playing, you need to be strong and nip that.  Do not allow her to sail this ship, sorry it's weak.

Do not be afraid to rock the boat, there's a way to do it that will get her respecting you and even admiring you.

But you need to be strong and confident. Self-assured. 

You need to convey you're not afraid to lose her and you're a man with options.

 

Edited May 3, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

Agree with V, oneitus is bad in a sitch like this.

This Covid excuse is getting old imo, where do you live?

It's business as usual around here, I'm leaving in a few to meet a friend for dinner as a matter of fact, don't even need masks anymore...