How should I interpret this situation?

[cleverusername]

17 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

 A) you gave her a way out and she took it.
or
B)She thought you were telling her you were not interested, so she has let you off the hook by not responding.
I think had I received that message I would also have assumed you were fed up contacting me and I certainly would have not contacted you after getting that message.

Interesting. Thanks for your insight! If you wouldn’t mind could you elaborate a bit?

If it was B, would the fact we had already planned a date change your thoughts on it? Would it be something that you thought could be remedied if I reached out?

obviously you aren’t her, but you’re the first person to bring this up so I’d love to hear your take!  

[cleverusername]

10 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Also makes a lot of sense. She could have thought he was gently blowing her off and / or she's waiting on him to initiate contact.

I'm not their age but this communication limbo would make me uncomfortable. I don't know why people like to leave stuff up in the air or base their actions on conjecture and assumptions. 

Do you think sending a “Happy new year” text would be a good way to test the waters?

I have no problem initiating something, my only apprehension is coming across as needy if she really has been busy or wants some space (she’s been on vacation for the last week or so) 

[dramafreezone]

37 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

They are studying remotely from home - I doubt there is much hitting up going on at present.

Regardless, OP's idea is good in principle imo (keep low key communication to maintain interest until in person meet) - just maybe not with this girl.

I see no problem reaching out just in case, though agree probably best to keep looking. Not entirely sure how practical it is to date in a full blown pandemic, but I guess people are going to do what they want to do anyway!

 

In any event, my point was another guy has her interest.  I don't think calling her even a little will help to maintain any interest.  That situation with the guy she's interested in has to play itself out.  Once it does she may come back around, or may not.  Doesn't matter, this guy should focus on himself.

OP, take it from a guy that's made every mistake there is to make with women; more pursuing won't magically make her interested in you again.   Just do your own thing and give your attention to women who like you and want to make time for you.

Edited December 29, 2020 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

>>Anyway, I ended our last conversation after I asked her about her week and she said she was having a busy week at work, so I told her I didn't want to add more to her plate texting, and to reach back out when she had more time to which she said ok.<<

Just read this again, and it almost sounds like you were rejecting her.  I mean I could see her interpreting it that way.  It's quite passive.

All she said was she's having a busy week; a better response would have been "okay I'll catch up with you later" and reach out a few days later. 

 

Edited December 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

17 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Do you think sending a “Happy new year” text would be a good way to test the waters?

I have no problem initiating something, my only apprehension is coming across as needy if she really has been busy or wants some space (she’s been on vacation for the last week or so) 

It's definitely needy.  Don't do it.  Trust me I know what you're feeling.

I know there's this feeling that she'll "forget about you."  I have women I knew 20 years ago that contact me from time to time.  Women don't forget about guys they really like.  If she likes you, she'll contact you when her interest is there.  Calling her won't make her interested.  You'd think it would but it just doesn't.   Whoever wrote the quote "absence makes the heart grow fonder" was probably talking about women.

Edited December 29, 2020 by dramafreezone

[cleverusername]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

>>Anyway, I ended our last conversation after I asked her about her week and she said she was having a busy week at work, so I told her I didn't want to add more to her plate texting, and to reach back out when she had more time to which she said ok.<<

Just read this again, and it almost sounds like you were rejecting her.  I mean I could see her interpreting it that way.  It's quite passive.

All she said was she's having a busy week; a better response would have been "okay I'll catch up with you later" and reach out a few days later. 

 

I thought I made my interest quite clear and didn’t ask her to reach back out but told her too. Along the lines of, “hit me up when things calm down”.

 

how would you recover from a misunderstanding like that if it was the case? Wish her a happy new year if I don’t hear back? Just wait? 
 

I guess this is a problem with texting, things get taken out of context

[cleverusername]

11 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

It's definitely needy.  Don't do it.  Trust me I know what you're feeling.

I know there's this feeling that she'll "forget about you."  I have women I knew 20 years ago that contact me from time to time.  Women don't forget about guys they really like.  If she likes you, she'll contact you when her interest is there.  Calling her won't make her interested.  You'd think it would but it just doesn't.

This is why I thought it was interesting she is always viewing my social media (Like one of first 50). I found it kind of weird earlier IMO to want to look at someone who You thought rejected you. (I know I know some of you disagree, your opinion didn’t fall on deaf ears)
 

we have had gaps of a few weeks between some conversations which has been ok and the interest was there, but this is definitely the longest. 

Edited December 29, 2020 by cleverusername

[Emilie Jolie]

30 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

In any event, my point was another guy has her interest.  I don't think calling her even a little will help to maintain any interest.  That situation with the guy she's interested in has to play itself out.  Once it does she may come back around, or may not.  Doesn't matter, this guy should focus on himself.

 

Ok but seriously, how do you know there's another guy on the scene?

Edited December 29, 2020 by Emilie Jolie
Missing word

[elaine567]

11 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Interesting. Thanks for your insight! If you wouldn’t mind could you elaborate a bit?

If it was B, would the fact we had already planned a date change your thoughts on it? Would it be something that you thought could be remedied if I reached out?

obviously you aren’t her, but you’re the first person to bring this up so I’d love to hear your take!  

I think if you were a good friend or a work colleague it may be OK, but  it comes a bit off hand and like you are irritated annoyed.
"Busy again? Then just get back to me when you aren't busy..."
As you are trying to date this girl then you needed to be nicer IMO. As you don't know her very well  and you need to keep her around till you can meet IRL then you needed to try to develop some sort of a bond with her so she sticks around.
She needs to feel warm and fuzzy about you, instead you are so worried that you come across as needy that you introduced distance and have probably driven her away.
As for neediness, yes it can be a turn off, but that is usually in girls who are iffy about you anyway.
Women who are crazy about you do not care if you show some vulnerability, in fact it may endear you to them
 

[Emilie Jolie]

OP, imo send her a Happy New Year text and see how it goes. You have absolutely nothing to lose from doing it. If she's stopped caring, you'll know.

Then you can move on without regrets or wondering what if.

[dramafreezone]

5 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Ok but seriously, how do you know there's another on the scene?

I don't know anything for certain, but I'm assuming a woman in her 20s, in college, on social media with guys in her DMs every day?  Odds are there's another guy.

In any event, she's not interested.  If there's no guy then she'd rather have no guy than this guy, and he deserves more than to keep pining for someone that has low to no interest.  He should find someone that likes and appreciates him.  That woman is out there, but he won't find her by chasing this one that has low interest.

[cleverusername]

13 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

OP, imo send her a Happy New Year text and see how it goes. You have absolutely nothing to lose from doing it. If she's stopped caring, you'll know.

Then you can move on without regrets or wondering what if.

I think that’s kinda where I’m leaning. Best case she knows I’m interested still (hopefully) Worst case, I at least know she’s not. 

I hardly think that even if she wanted space, someone wishing you a happy new year wouldn’t be too off putting? 

 

[Emilie Jolie]

2 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

I hardly think that even if she wanted space, someone wishing you a happy new year wouldn’t be too off putting? 

Yeah, I wouldn't consider sending a HNY text after 6 weeks of silence 'chasing'; there's no emotional cost to it, no huge involvement, it's what people do at this time of year!

And hey, at least you'll have tried, right?

[cleverusername]

24 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I think if you were a good friend or a work colleague it may be OK, but  it comes a bit off hand and like you are irritated annoyed.
"Busy again? Then just get back to me when you aren't busy..."
As you are trying to date this girl then you needed to be nicer IMO. As you don't know her very well  and you need to keep her around till you can meet IRL then you needed to try to develop some sort of a bond with her so she sticks around.
She needs to feel warm and fuzzy about you, instead you are so worried that you come across as needy that you introduced distance and have probably driven her away.
As for neediness, yes it can be a turn off, but that is usually in girls who are iffy about you anyway.
Women who are crazy about you do not care if you show some vulnerability, in fact it may endear you to them
 

Yeah I definitely wasn’t intending to sound disingenuous when I sent it. I feel bad if that was the case. Thanks for bringing that perspective to my attention. I guess that’s one of the dangers of texting is that things get miscommunicated. 

Edited December 29, 2020 by cleverusername

[Emilie Jolie]

Don't feel bad! Also don't raise your hopes up too much. She genuinely might not be interested - but unless she's blocked you from all SM, it's fine to try imo. Only 2 days to go anyway...If you hear nothing is when you completely leave her be.

[dramafreezone]

45 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

This is why I thought it was interesting she is always viewing my social media (Like one of first 50). I found it kind of weird earlier IMO to want to look at someone who You thought rejected you. (I know I know some of you disagree, your opinion didn’t fall on deaf ears)
 

we have had gaps of a few weeks between some conversations which has been ok and the interest was there, but this is definitely the longest. 

Don't read too much into that.  My bottom line is that if she was interested, she'd contact you.  And she may contact you eventually.

My advice remains to just leave it be, give her space, and most importantly give your time and attention to women that appreciate it.  There are too many women out there to focus so much on one.  Start putting yourself first and not her.  She doesn't appreciate your attention or time right now, so continuing to offer it to her isn't going to do anything to attract her.

The point is not that one little text or call will be "off-putting."   This is about valuing yourself and behaving like you deserve the best at all times.

[Emilie Jolie]

17 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

 This is about valuing yourself and behaving like you deserve the best at all times.

This actually is a good point.

 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, cleverusername said:

This is why I thought it was interesting she is always viewing my social media (Like one of first 50). I found it kind of weird earlier IMO to want to look at someone who You thought rejected you.

cleveruser, allow me to share an anecdote. 

There was a guy on a different forum who had been hitting me up for months. He was a professional writer for various magazines and would send me these long engaging posts and stories attempting to impress me with his prolific writings.  Lord, the man was so high on himself, I literally could not stand him!  Like he repulsed me, seriously.

But yet, I would read all his posts on the forum.  And comment.  Why?  It's human nature.  It's the same reason most folks can't turn away from a train wreck or any disaster. 

Remember 9/11?  Nothing about watching or reading about that felt good, the opposite, but yet we couldn't stop watching/reading!  

It might make us cringe, in fact most of the guy's posts did, but yet I still read, I made a point of reading. Liking, commenting. 

Humans by nature are curious creatures.  So please try to not read so much into her SM viewing.  If you do, it can really mess with your head. 

Your response to her was ambiguous and at this early stage might have been interpreted by her in a negative way.

That plus many women prefer and enjoy being pursued, we don't typically like things left in our court.  

If I were in your shoes, I would be reaching out and have!

But I'm not afraid to take risks, nor do I fear being shot down.  Nothing ventured nothing, gained as they say. I'm resilient and bounce back quick.

That said, it's much easier to reach out when you are NOT that invested, I have done most of my experimenting and risk-taking when not invested.  

That way, if I get ignored or shot down (which has happened) I'm not too bothered.  

My advice?  Detach a bit.  Take a risk.  You literally have nothing to lose unless you believe a non-response would devastate you, which at this extremely early stage, I would hope is not the case.  

 

 

 

Edited December 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[cleverusername]

28 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Don't read too much into that.  My bottom line is that if she was interested, she'd contact you.  And she may contact you eventually.

My advice remains to just leave it be, give her space, and most importantly give your time and attention to women that appreciate it.  There are too many women out there to focus so much on one.  Start putting yourself first and not her.  She doesn't appreciate your attention or time right now, so continuing to offer it to her isn't going to do anything to attract her.

The point is not that one little text or call will be "off-putting."   This is about valuing yourself and behaving like you deserve the best at all times.

 

8 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

This actually is a good point.

 

I feel like this would be really great advice had I not been made aware some people interpret it as me ending it. 
 

If it was read as intended, she might have contacted me after a week and not waited this long. Or she may be taking the same advice you’re giving, I.e, he seems uninterested. If he was, he would contact me. Ya know? 
 

I feel the fact some people read that as me ending things make it a little less about maintaining self worth and more about remedying a possible miscommunication. 

[Mrin]

"Hey there [and whatever her name is]. Sending all sorts of happy new years energy your way! Here's to a better 2021! Wishing you all the best"

[cleverusername]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

cleveruser, allow me to share an anecdote. 

There was a guy on a different forum who had been hitting me up for months. He was a professional writer for various magazines and would send me these long engaging posts and stories attempting to impress me with his prolific writings.  Lord, the man was so high on himself, I literally could not stand him!  Like he repulsed me, seriously.

But yet, I would read all his posts on the forum.  And comment.  Why?  It's human nature.  It's the same reason most folks can't turn away from a train wreck or any disaster. 

Remember 9/11?  Nothing about watching or reading about that felt good, the opposite, but yet we couldn't stop watching/reading!  

It might make us cringe, in fact most of the guy's posts did, but yet I still read, I made a point of reading. Liking, commenting. 

Humans by nature are curious creatures.  So please try to not read so much into her SM viewing.  If you do, it can really mess with your head. 

Your response to her was ambiguous and at this early stage might have been interpreted by her in a negative way.

That plus many women prefer and enjoy being pursued, we don't typically like things left in our court.  

If I were in your shoes, I would be reaching out and have!

But I'm not afraid to take risks, nor do I fear being shot down.  Nothing ventured nothing, gained as they say. I'm resilient and bounce back quick.

That said, it's much easier to reach out when you are NOT that invested, I have done most of my experimenting and risk-taking when not invested.  

That way, if I get ignored or shot down (which has happened) I'm not too bothered.  

My advice?  Detach a bit.  Take a risk.  You literally have nothing to lose unless you believe a non-response would devastate you, which at this extremely early stage, I would hope is not the case.  

 

 

 

For sure. I think hearing that some people feel it could have been ambiguous forces my hand. 
 

I think New Years is the perfect excuse to reach out in a causal way to test the waters. Nothing lost, nothing gained.

 

But please tell me how you really feel about social media viewing    

[Emilie Jolie]

This is how I'm reading this:

Ultimately, this is about nothing but you wanting some form of resolution to this situation.

This isn't about devaluing yourself or chasing rainbows, it's just a communication thing.

I personally hate being left in limbo - not because I have any vested interest or ego on the line - I just like clear communication.

Others consider a 6 week silence as a personal affront, or they may have expectations or a clear timeline of response in mind, possibly because they do these things often.

I still think it's fine for you to reach out - just so you know.

Edited December 29, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

But please tell me how you really feel about social media viewing    

Lol, sorry, I recently had to deal with something similar so I'm a bit sensitive about it.

I'll stop.

Edited December 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[Mrin]

Another suggestion if sending on midnight new years eve:

"We made it [her name]! We actually f***ing made it to 2021! Slam me on the ass and call me Judy! Totally buying a lottery ticket. Ha! Throwing a big high five at ya!"

Edited December 29, 2020 by Mrin

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, Mrin said:

"Hey there [and whatever her name is]. Sending all sorts of happy new years energy your way! Here's to a better 2021! Wishing you all the best"

Here's what I wouid like (note I AM a bit weird and also a bit of a nonconformist, lol)

"Hey whattup!  You okay?  Hope all is well.  HNY."

It's got a question mark at least, something she can respond to.  

It's a cool, not to enthusiastic or over the top "feeler" text.

Edited December 29, 2020 by poppyfields