How should I interpret this situation?

[cleverusername]

Long story short, me and this girl had a date planned for when we return to the same city (back in our home states due to classes being remote). Basically we have been texting off and on, as much as multiple times a day, or sometimes with gaps of 2 weeks depending on our schedules (I'm ok with this frequency, not really looking for a pen pal or to build a LDR just trying to maintain interest until we are in person). Anyway, I ended our last conversation after I asked her about her week and she said she was having a busy week at work, so I told her I didn't want to add more to her plate texting, and to reach back out when she had more time to which she said ok.

That was six weeks ago and she hasn't contacted me, but she still views my social media and posts to hers. Just kind of confused if she has lost interest, is testing my ability to keep my word, if I sent the wrong message in my wording, or she is just taking advantage of this space? I haven't contacted her yet because I don't want to come across as needy and I want to keep my word, but I also wasn't anticipating this big of a gap in communication. I assume I should just keep minding my own business and waiting as she knows how to reach out when she's ready? Any insight or advice would be appreciated!

[DKT3]

Honestly it doesn't sound like she is interested.  Not very interested,  anyway.

Personally I would leave it there and move on. You put the ball in her court and it appears she picked it up and went home.

If she were really interested her response to you giving her time would have been she had time, just not at that moment.  Message has been sent my friend 

[cleverusername]

9 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Honestly it doesn't sound like she is interested.  Not very interested,  anyway.

Personally I would leave it there and move on. You put the ball in her court and it appears she picked it up and went home.

If she were really interested her response to you giving her time would have been she had time, just not at that moment.  Message has been sent my friend 

Thanks for your input. I just wish people these days were more direct, everyone loves to hide behind the security blanket of a screen. The least someone could do is be direct in communicating their feelings so there is no ambiguity. 

I think the term people use is "orbiting", like not fully ghosting but intentionally distancing... if you can view a story you can send a message so to choose to do one but not the other?

Sorry thats just me kinda venting about dating these days. Hopefully I get a happy new year message or something but if not ill move on. I'm a prize not a participation trophy. 

[DKT3]

You want a woman who is excited about you, not one who is at best lukewarm.  Don't settle.  Truth is she has sent you a clear message.  Even if you do get a happy new year message she is still not excited about you.

[Wiseman2]

Have you met in person yet? LDRs are very difficult. 6 weeks is a long time to go incommunicado.

It seems like she's getting more involved in her local life and tiptoeing out of this with the slow fade method.

Focus on your own local life.

[ExpatInItaly]

As a woman, I can tell you that I would never let 6 weeks pass without replying to a guy if I were genuinely interested in him. 

It's not a test. It's not because of how you worded your last text. She's just not on the same page as you in terms of mutual interest, unfortunately. 

 

[Emilie Jolie]

8 hours ago, cleverusername said:

I haven't contacted her yet because I don't want to come across as needy and I want to keep my word, but I also wasn't anticipating this big of a gap in communication. I assume I should just keep minding my own business and waiting as she knows how to reach out when she's ready? Any insight or advice would be appreciated!

Don't assume anything, and just contact her to clear the air. 6 weeks is long enough.

Might be a misunderstanding, she may have lost interest or she took your word literally (she might still be busy) - either way, how are you going to know unless you ask her?

[Miss Spider]

I understand not wanting to be text buddies, but if you can’t actually date in person, then phone/internet/long distance communication is really the only alternative. If you can’t keep in communication, it’s only sensible to lose interest. You are not talking and you haven’t been on a date. Of course you are going to be on the back burner and other people are going to take the fore. If you like her, talk to her. Keep it warm. If she is not responsive, let it go.   And about social media lurking... she doesn’t dislike you or anything. So why wouldn’t she ? People pop up on your feed and you watch... 
 

[cleverusername]

20 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I understand not wanting to be text buddies, but if you can’t actually date in person, then phone/internet/long distance communication is really the only alternative. If you can’t keep in communication, it’s only sensible to lose interest. You are not talking and you haven’t been on a date. Of course you are going to be on the back burner and other people are going to take the fore. If you like her, talk to her. Keep it warm. If she is not responsive, let it go.   And about social media lurking... she doesn’t dislike you or anything. So why wouldn’t she ? People pop up on your feed and you watch... 
 

Thats the thing though, we were in communication. I put the ball in her court and so far she hasn't done anything with it, so not sure why she would lose interest, I gave her the green light to contact me at a more convenient time. The lack of communication is her own doing.

Not really concerned about other people in the picture, she would be put into the same LDR position no matter who she was talking too due to COVID and having to move once things return to normal so I don't get the feeling i'm put on the back burner for someone else. In our conversations before she was super engaged and responsive and then this....

The social media thing is weird to me though, like if you have the time to look at my feed you have the time to either initiate something or break it off, so why remain silent? Ya know? 

[cleverusername]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Don't assume anything, and just contact her to clear the air. 6 weeks is long enough.

Might be a misunderstanding, she may have lost interest or she took your word literally (she might still be busy) - either way, how are you going to know unless you ask her?

How would you word something like that? I feel like it would be hard to start a conversation to address something like that, especially coming across as non-confrontational or intrusive should she still be busy

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

 should she still be busy

You're right.

Unfortunately, no one is "too busy" for what they're interested in.

She knows your contact info, you're still connected on social media, so all you can do is either wait around.

Or tell her it's not working for you, then delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps, so you can move forward with someone who is interested.

[Emilie Jolie]

 

38 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

How would you word something like that? I feel like it would be hard to start a conversation to address something like that, especially coming across as non-confrontational or intrusive should she still be busy

'Hey, hope I'm not catching you at a bad time .We've not chatted in a while; how have things been on your end these last few weeks?' or something like that.

See how this plays out.

If she leaves you on read or fobs you off with a superficial reply, you'll have your answer!

If not, play it by ear I guess.

 

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, cleverusername said:

Thats the thing though, we were in communication. I put the ball in her court and so far she hasn't done anything with it, so not sure why she would lose interest, I gave her the green light to contact me at a more convenient time. The lack of communication is her own doing.

Not really concerned about other people in the picture, she would be put into the same LDR position no matter who she was talking too due to COVID and having to move once things return to normal so I don't get the feeling i'm put on the back burner for someone else. In our conversations before she was super engaged and responsive and then this....

The social media thing is weird to me though, like if you have the time to look at my feed you have the time to either initiate something or break it off, so why remain silent? Ya know? 

So she was engaged and responsive before, she got “busy” one week, you told her to reach out when she’s less busy, and she hasn’t in six weeks? Sounds like she lost interest somewhere along the way. Often when it’s super abrupt, it’s another person that got their attention. Or at least that has always been the case for me. And it doesn’t have to be 100% not interested or 100% interested. There is a large gray area in between. So why would she burn a bridge by “breaking it off”? Just leaving it in the air indefinitely would work fine for her... Shoot your shot if you like her. Maybe she’ll come back around,   Also, I look at posts everyone that is in my friends list.... just curiosity about what they’re up to..I’m not romantically interested in all of them in the slightest... 

 

Edited December 29, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

12 hours ago, cleverusername said:

That was six weeks ago and she hasn't contacted me, but she still views my social media and posts to hers. Just kind of confused if she has lost interest, is testing my ability to keep my word.

Bolded - so what? All it means is she's curious as people tend to be.  Hell, I still read SM from an ex from 15 years ago!  And other ex's. 

There was nothing for her to be direct about, she told you she was busy, you told her to reach out when things lighten up, her silence is your answer.

A bit of a rant, but people (some not all) place too much meaning into the viewing of SM posts, and it can sometimes become a huge PITA for those viewing when that person reads too much into it and starts acting crazy. 

Not that you would act crazy or anything, but you're confused and there is no need to be.   

Why not send a "feeler" text, and see how she responds?  

Nothing to lose by doing that.  Make it fun and light. 

Good luck, keep us posted! 

 

 

 

 

 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, cleverusername said:

The social media thing is weird to me though, like if you have the time to look at my feed you have the time to either initiate something or break it off, so why remain silent? Ya know? 

Its not about having the time, but rather having the interest. 

Being curious, reading posts, liking posts, is very different from being interested romantically.

Look, it's not like you "broke up" you chatted on line, nothing to break off.

Since you still seem to like her, why not reach out like I suggested? Something light. 

Hopefully you are not so emotionally invested that if she ignored, you would be that bothered by it .

Edited December 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

You telling her that gave her the out she was looking for and she ran with it....and now she's not reached out in 6 weeks. That's a pretty good indicator of "I'm not interested".

[Versacehottie]

I have to read the whole thread only read your OP but I would say your wording and statement to her is TOO PASSIVE.  You are acting like contact with you is a bother in a roundabout way which is a way of signifying that you don't 100% believe in your "right to be right where you are".  It's that kind of stuff that can make a person lose interest if they are on the fence (or at a long distance).  You will come off as a nice guy but not much spark.  It's like you don't believe you are EQUAL to her and worthy of her time.  I know you might not fully believe all that behind the scenes but often being overly polite and almost timid about your presence causes this with people.

I think reach back out and if it's going fine don't worry about managing her time--let her do that for herself. And you will have a clear idea of your priority in her life.  Also maybe pace it a little better.  less marathon sessions all day but regular daily contact or every other day.  It's confident but shows you've got your own stuff going on. Good luck

[Versacehottie]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person yet? LDRs are very difficult. 6 weeks is a long time to go incommunicado.

It seems like she's getting more involved in her local life and tiptoeing out of this with the slow fade method.

Focus on your own local life.

Oh yeah^^^^ my advice is really for if you ACTUALLY know each other.  If you don't and met online and just happen to be from the same city, it's as fickle as other OLD stuff, so I'd say she's lost interest or most likely is interested in someone else.  You have to take online at that sort of distance with no immediate plans to meet as auxiliary at best.  It's not a real dating strategy which is probably what she did--entertained herself for a while and now is into her real and local life.

[cleverusername]

43 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Oh yeah^^^^ my advice is really for if you ACTUALLY know each other.  If you don't and met online and just happen to be from the same city, it's as fickle as other OLD stuff, so I'd say she's lost interest or most likely is interested in someone else.  You have to take online at that sort of distance with no immediate plans to meet as auxiliary at best.  It's not a real dating strategy which is probably what she did--entertained herself for a while and now is into her real and local life.

Yeah I really have no Idea what to call it lol. In hind sight I should have waited to make a move but whatever. I'm not really trying to build the relationship over distance, just trying to keep things interesting enough for now. We both go to the same school and had a date planned for when we return to being in the same city. Had something I thought might work, took the shot, and COVID ruined it.... story of 2020 right?

Who knows, maybe things will pop back up in the future. 

[cleverusername]

2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

So she was engaged and responsive before, she got “busy” one week, you told her to reach out when she’s less busy, and she hasn’t in six weeks? Sounds like she lost interest somewhere along the way. Often when it’s super abrupt, it’s another person that got their attention. Or at least that has always been the case for me. And it doesn’t have to be 100% not interested or 100% interested. There is a large gray area in between. So why would she burn a bridge by “breaking it off”? Just leaving it in the air indefinitely would work fine for her... Shoot your shot if you like her. Maybe she’ll come back around,   Also, I look at posts everyone that is in my friends list.... just curiosity about what they’re up to..I’m not romantically interested in all of them in the slightest... 

 

Thanks. I'm not going to lose sleep over it or anything. This is the first time i've experienced this hot and cold deal so I was mainly concerned I said something off-putting in my wording or I did something obvious on my side that I couldn't see. If its just incompatibility because of circumstance, than it is what it is. 

If for some reason she were to come back around, do you think it would be worth mentioning or asking about the communication silence? I'm used to getting hit on quite often and building things traditionally so this situation has thrown me for a loop. But I guess, like most of 2020 this situation is kind of unique (thanks COVID).

[cleverusername]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Its not about having the time, but rather having the interest. 

Being curious, reading posts, liking posts, is very different from being interested romantically.

Look, it's not like you "broke up" you chatted on line, nothing to break off.

Since you still seem to like her, why not reach out like I suggested? Something light. 

Hopefully you are not so emotionally invested that if she ignored, you would be that bothered by it .

Thanks, I will definitely consider reaching out. Im kind of conflicted however, I put the ball into her court so I expect you to either shoot the shot or pass it off, but not walk off the court with it. If thats happening, at least at the end I still have honored my word.

Part of it is just curiosity on my part, never had anyone turn hot to cold over one well intended text so I wanted to see if I said something egregious or my intent came off offensive and it was going over my head. 

I guess the only other question I would have to face is if she did reach back out, should I mention the silence or just go with the flow? 

[dramafreezone]

14 hours ago, cleverusername said:

Long story short, me and this girl had a date planned for when we return to the same city (back in our home states due to classes being remote). Basically we have been texting off and on, as much as multiple times a day, or sometimes with gaps of 2 weeks depending on our schedules (I'm ok with this frequency, not really looking for a pen pal or to build a LDR just trying to maintain interest until we are in person). Anyway, I ended our last conversation after I asked her about her week and she said she was having a busy week at work, so I told her I didn't want to add more to her plate texting, and to reach back out when she had more time to which she said ok.

That was six weeks ago and she hasn't contacted me, but she still views my social media and posts to hers. Just kind of confused if she has lost interest, is testing my ability to keep my word, if I sent the wrong message in my wording, or she is just taking advantage of this space? I haven't contacted her yet because I don't want to come across as needy and I want to keep my word, but I also wasn't anticipating this big of a gap in communication. I assume I should just keep minding my own business and waiting as she knows how to reach out when she's ready? Any insight or advice would be appreciated!

She's not interested.  Sounds like you and she are in college?   At that age many guys are hitting her up and someone else has caught her interest.  It's that simple, don't take it personally.  Just move on, date women and don't worry about it.  Maybe she'll come back around, maybe not.  Focus on yourself though, not her.

Edited December 29, 2020 by dramafreezone

[Emilie Jolie]

They are studying remotely from home - I doubt there is much hitting up going on at present.

Regardless, OP's idea is good in principle imo (keep low key communication to maintain interest until in person meet) - just maybe not with this girl.

I see no problem reaching out just in case, though agree probably best to keep looking. Not entirely sure how practical it is to date in a full blown pandemic, but I guess people are going to do what they want to do anyway!

27 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

She's not interested.  Sounds like you and she are in college?   At that age many guys are hitting her up and someone else has caught her interest.  It's that simple, don't take it personally.  Just move on, date women and don't worry about it.  Maybe she'll come back around, maybe not.  Focus on yourself though, not her.

 

[elaine567]

14 hours ago, cleverusername said:

Anyway, I ended our last conversation after I asked her about her week and she said she was having a busy week at work, so I told her I didn't want to add more to her plate texting, and to reach back out when she had more time to which she said ok.

 A) you gave her a way out and she took it.
or
B)She thought you were telling her you were not interested, so she has let you off the hook by not responding.
I think had I received that message I would also have assumed you were fed up contacting me and I certainly would have not contacted you after getting that message.

[Emilie Jolie]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

B)She thought you were telling her you were not interested, so she has let you off the hook by not responding.

Also makes a lot of sense. She could have thought he was gently blowing her off and / or she's waiting on him to initiate contact.

I'm not their age but this communication limbo would make me uncomfortable. I don't know why people like to leave stuff up in the air or base their actions on conjecture and assumptions.