rightondude Posted December 29, 2020 Posted December 29, 2020 hello all! I haven't posted for quite awhile. I have been in a pretty perfect relationship for about a year and a half now, and didn't have much relevant advice to give daters! But now I need some help. The woman I'm dating lives about 2 hours away. For the past year I've been doing the drive back and forth from the city I live in and where I split custody of my 2 kids. I have them 2 days out of the week and every other weekend, and every Sunday. I ended up buying a house in the city my GF lives in in order to stay with my kids there during the week when possible, depending on school schedules during COVID. This was meant as a first step to ... something. And to grow the relationship. Now we've reached a point where something needs to happen. And the distance isn't working. My GF won't consider moving to where I "live" ... she hates the city and her family and friends are in her city. I can't get full custody of my kids (nor would I really want it; they need their mom in their lives just as frequently as me). We had a heated discussion last night and it's apparent I really didn't have a plan after the initial house buying step of how to progress this further. So it seems at this point my options are to restructure to a custody agreement where I become a weekend and/or summer dad or to break it off. Neither is an attractive option to me. I can see her point, neither of us are getting any younger and we'd likely be talking marriage if the case weren't what it is...anyway, she pretty much gave me an ultimatum, figure it out or let her move on with life. I'm not sure of any option I haven't thought of already, so I came running to the loveshack for some thoughts and advice. I am thinking we likely end up breaking up over this. My kids are young and will still be in school for another 8-9 years. thanks in advance
Mrin Posted December 29, 2020 Posted December 29, 2020 (edited) Awh dude. I have been in this exact position. The woman I was dating lived 4 hours away. I have 50/50 custody. I spent every week when I didn't have my kids at her house. Eventually she was supposed to spend 1 week a month at my house when she didn't have her boys (she has 50/50 custody too). We even got engaged. But it didn't work out. Not soecificaly because of the distance per se but that definitely did NOT help. I don't really have any solutions to offer except make the "there" place combined. You all live under the same house. Not two houses (which is what it sounds like is the case). And your "home" trips to be with your kids become like a business trip. The key to this all is to move your "home" to be with your GF. Now the only other thing I can offer you is maybe a glimpse into her perspective. I'm just projecting here based off of my own experience but here goes... What she's wanting is a partnership. She wants to feel like she is part of a union with you. That she is building a home with you. That you're not just a guest or a part time BF bit actually "there" with her. It is really easy for us guys to get caught up in the "well I fixed the fence" or "I stained the deck" doingness of trying to make her feel that way. And it does help. But she really wants your name on the mortgage. And probably your name after hers. It may be a financial thing but even if it isn't it, it gives her the feeling of partnership. This is going to sound weird - and ladies check me on this - but even turning an unused room in the basement into a man cave in her house would give her a sense of partnership. Of permanence. Or remodeling a room in her house where you were doing the work and making some of the decisions is a little bit like putting yourself into that union. So I don't know how far down the road you've gone with her on this but I would say anything you do that would make her feel like she's in partnership with you would be helpful. And I think you coming up with the plan rather than her telling you what she wants is crazy important. She wants you to take the lead. Does that feel at all correct? I'm really sorry you're going through this. There are no easy answers. And let's face it, I'm sure she has said something like "I thought I could do this, handle this situation, this but I just can't." And that's so infuriating to hear as a dude because in our dude-mind we are like "this was the deal from the get-go and now you are changing your mind and saying it's not enough!?" P.S. don't change your custody schedule and become a summer dad. Edited December 29, 2020 by Mrin
Author rightondude Posted December 29, 2020 Author Posted December 29, 2020 man brother that hit home. And you're spot on with what's been said. And, and, I know i need to be the one to find the solution to this. But I can only be in one place at a time. The joint house is an idea that hasn't been proposed but I'm not sure that's exactly what she's looking for here. I mean, we'd do so would this all work out, but the weekly "business trip" probably isn't going to cut it any more...
Ruby Slippers Posted December 29, 2020 Posted December 29, 2020 1 hour ago, rightondude said: I am thinking we likely end up breaking up over this. If this is the direction you're leaning in, even in what you call a pretty perfect relationship, it doesn't sound very promising. Any decent woman will want the relationship to progress, most likely to marriage. If you want that, you can figure it out with her or figure it out with some other woman eventually or keep a string of relationships that don't last going. If you really want it to work, you'll figure it out. My dad figured out how to make it work with my mom, his second wife, as her second husband, overcoming many obstacles including blending all their kids into one household, dealing with a bitter ex-wife, cross-country moves, and more. Now they've been together for 50 years and he says often he's very lucky to have her. 1 1
Author rightondude Posted December 29, 2020 Author Posted December 29, 2020 Ruby, I don't want that. I just know that last night, I thought we were broke up and that was it. I want this to work. I just had an idea, I'm going to suggest some couples counseling. Maybe some new ideas or breakthroughs come out of that... 1
Bye Posted December 29, 2020 Posted December 29, 2020 4 hours ago, rightondude said: Ruby, I don't want that. I just know that last night, I thought we were broke up and that was it. I want this to work. I just had an idea, I'm going to suggest some couples counseling. Maybe some new ideas or breakthroughs come out of that... If you don't mind my asking, how do you specifically want this relationship to work out? Do you want to eventually marry this woman and make her your life partner? This would mean a blended family, with your kids and hers under the same roof. Or, do you just want to live with her and be in a lifelong committed relationship without marriage? Have you asked her how she wants this relationship to progress? And if you already have, what was her response? If you and your GF want this relationship to "work" (as in, staying together forever), but both of you wind up wanting (and expecting) a different outcome in this relationship than the other person does (i.e. she wants marriage but you don't), you will both end up at the proverbial Fork in the Road. Your relationship will not be able to move forward until a life-changing decision is made at that time by BOTH of you regarding this relationship. It sounds like you may already be at this juncture, with the exception that she gave you an ultimatum during your heated discussion for YOU to either "figure it out" OR to "let her MOVE ON with her life". To me, it sounds like her patience is running out. She also seems a bit resentful towards you...and is placing the burden of this decision solely on YOUR shoulders - when it should be the BOTH of you discussing and deciding this decision together. 1
Wiseman2 Posted December 29, 2020 Posted December 29, 2020 9 hours ago, rightondude said: The woman I'm dating lives about 2 hours away. I ended up buying a house in the city my GF lives in in order to stay with my kids there during the week when possible, .My GF won't consider moving to where I "live" ... she hates the city and her family and friends are in her city. Could you clarify? You bought a house in the GFs city but she's 2 hours away? Or you want your GF to move closer to your kids and ex so seeing your children isn't a 2 hr trek for them? Unfortunately you are at an impasse. It's doubtful couples therapy would help with a logistical problem such as this.
Miss Spider Posted December 29, 2020 Posted December 29, 2020 Couples counseling or not, it still has to end with one of you guys compromising on something important to you or you will have to break up.
Blind-Sided Posted December 29, 2020 Posted December 29, 2020 So..... just to get the entire picture... how much "in the city" are you? Are we talking high-rise apartment, downtown? Or suburbs in a normal neighborhood? I can understand about not being down town. I like city life, but I don't want to deal with the traffic. Not to mention... I have a lot of "Toys" and I need the parking of a garage, and a long driveway. So, while it's fun living downtown when I'm working... it's great to be home where I can spread out. (city life isn't for everyone) If you are in the suburbs, and she simple won't move a couple hrs away because of her family... then that is a huge red flag. I'm not saying she needs to just give into you... but she can still take a drive to visit, and hang out with her family... but you moving close to her will seriously disrupt your kids life. And, unfortunately... that's the point you need to think of. On a personal note... I grew up in SoCal. After college, I was planning to move back. But I met my now exW. Originally, she wanted to move away from this "Hillbilly" area... but when it got serious... she wouldn't leave, and I got stuck in a cold state. But I did it for her. Now that we are divorced, I would love to move somewhere warm again... but I simply can't because of my kids. I have to be here, to be a strong father figure to my 2 girls. It's not what I want.... it's what I need to do. Sorry for the position you have bee put into, but this is an issue with LDR.
smackie9 Posted December 29, 2020 Posted December 29, 2020 (edited) That's all that is holding this up is she doesn't want to move? Your GF is being selfish. Dumping all this on your to figure out is a pretty good indicator that there will be more problem solving issues down the road. What the hell was she expecting? You share custody and have more need to be where you are than she needs to be where she is. Your kids come first. Edited December 29, 2020 by smackie9 1
magnolia18 Posted December 29, 2020 Posted December 29, 2020 She does not want to move so you have to do all the moving and problem solving? Why? It does sound selfish...Why instead of only having the option of moving into each other's city don't you consider buying a house half way for example?
Calmandfocused Posted December 29, 2020 Posted December 29, 2020 Hi ROD, I remember you well. I also remember having some reservations about how this relationship took off at a 100 miles an hour. However you seemed very happy and we were all happy for you. I’m sorry to hear you’ve hit this fork in the road. it seems like the relationship has slowed down to a shuddering halt and you need to decide which road to go down. I agree with the posters that state that the decision is not all yours. However you have a decision to make: What exactly do you want from this relationship and how you want it to progress? Maybe you’d be happy with the arrangement staying as it is? I don’t know. Only you can decide this. She also needs to make the same decisions and you both need to ascertain whether you want the same thing. If you do great; make plans and keep working towards these goals. If you don’t maybe there is an element of compromise. If it’s impossible to reach any compromise that fulfil what you both want then I’m sorry to say that the relationship had run it’s course.
Trail Blazer Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 Bro, your kids come first. I have two kids from a previous marriage and there's no way I'd be moving away from them for anyone. I get your predicament. It would be hard falling for someone but they live in a different city. It sounds like you've tried your best despite logistical issues. It doesn't sound like your girlfriend is willing to compromise at all. That's a shame. In my honest opinion, based purely on what you've shared here, I think you guys are done. Counseling won't fix a thing. Unless a counselor can get your girlfiend to change her mind, it will remain a sitiation that you and you only can fix. Best of luck! Just don't bend over backwards for someone who wouldn't do the same for you. 5
introverted1 Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 Does your gf also have kids? Why can't she sometimes make the 2-hour trip to see you? She seems pretty unyielding.... not a good sign for the future. Especially since her reasons for not wanting to move (which come down to comfort) are significantly less important than yours (proximity to your kids, which is crucial). What is her relationship like with your kids? How old are your kids? 1 1
smackie9 Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 I know it's great meeting some that's your match, but a discussion, questions should have been asked at the beginning before making a commitment to a relationship, with considering the kids, where to live, purchasing a house, job location, etc. Someone living 2 hours away would have me stopped in my tracks, knowing my life has to be where I am. Good luck with whatever the outcome you get. My friend was in the same situation. She moved to be with him because he had an obligation to his kids from a previous marriage. She sacrificed a good career, having learn a new language, lots of cultural struggles. She wanted to leave him a few times, but she stuck it out. It's a no brainer where this has to go.
Miss Spider Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 (edited) I agree that kids come first and always should .. part of the reason some people who don’t have kids find it hard to date those with kids. They can’t be the priority anymore Edited December 30, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
ThereSheGoes Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 Why would you even consider reducing your custody privileges for a woman you're not even married to? And why would she co-sign that madness? Is being a fully functioning father really something you can just sacrifice? That's messed up, dude. I would think your choice would be glaringly apparent. She refuses to leave because of friends and family. You have children that need you. More than YOUR need for a girlfriend/wife. Duh.
FMW Posted December 30, 2020 Posted December 30, 2020 I can't imagine a woman that really loved you and wanted the best for you (and not just for herself) would even put you in a position to consider reducing the frequency of the time you have custody of your children. I don't have children so I get it, she wants to be the priority. But sorry, minor children always come first. I wouldn't respect a man who didn't put them first. Your lives aren't compatible. Don't sacrifice other areas of your life to try and make it work. It's likely this isn't the only thing you will come up against with her.
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