Spent $$$ on boyfriend and his kids for Xmas. I got absolutely nothing.

[poppyfields]

50 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I'm completely baffled by all these threads from women saying their man gave them NOTHING for Christmas and people telling them to "talk it over." What in the hell is there to discuss? The man is a dud, period. I couldn't even pretend to be interested in being with someone like this.

Lol, AMEN SISTA!!

Edited December 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

23 hours ago, Lexxi said:

 He was talking about how he’s so stressed he hasn’t shopped yet, still figuring out what to get his kids. He also asked me “what I wanted/needed. I gave the same answer as last year, that nothing in particular that I can’t think of.

 

This can be taken as "I don't care" and "I am dismissing your feelings". Guys just don't come out and say it, but he was wishing you would have given him some support/help him out. You just blew him off. He felt dissed, so it's no wonder.....

Edited December 29, 2020 by smackie9

[Watercolors]

9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This can be taken as "I don't care" and "I am dismissing your feelings". Guys just don't come out and say it, but he was wishing you would have given him some support/help him out. You just blew him off. He felt dissed, so it's no wonder.....

That’s actually a valid point. Most men are too cowardly to talk about their feelings. So, they do the opposite. They act out expecting their female partner to read their minds and be ok with the outcome that they want. But we know that’s not how real life works. 

So, OP, you have to express your intentions, your thoughts, your feelings, and your requests with your boyfriend. Otherwise, this is what will happen. 

[MsJayne]

2 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I don't understand why anyone would stay in such a one-sided relationship. This would be a total deal-breaker for me. I'm completely baffled by all these threads from women saying their man gave them NOTHING for Christmas and people telling them to "talk it over." What in the hell is there to discuss? The man is a dud, period. I couldn't even pretend to be interested in being with someone like this.

    This, and take the $150 gift card back, (don't even tell him), and go spend it on yourself.  And you're not bitter and pouting over a gift, you're peeved because he's completely disregarding you. If you were pouting over a gift you would have pouted when he gave you a gift card after you'd been dating more than a year - does this guy not even know you well enough to have a small clue what perfume you like, what your hobbies are, what sort of jewellery you like?  Gift cards are so impersonal, and from a partner they say to me, "I'm so busy thinking about myself I don't have time to think about you." He spent a $1000+ on his kids, no wonder he had nothing left to spend on you. I'm serious, take that $150 and flip him the bird when you do it. 

[lana-banana]

A lot of the comments above are either deliberately mischaracterizing this story or being mean-spirited for its own sake. This is not some guy who failed her on her first Christmas gift. It's her long-term partner of two years, who has been perfectly thoughtful and considerate about getting gifts in the past, who suddenly and uncharacteristically didn't do anything this year. Yes, of course you should talk to your long-term partner before immediately dumping them (even if they may be considering a breakup themselves). Come on.

[smackie9]

This is a typical case of them not listening or communicating properly with each other. He thought she was pretty cold about not helping him out, and she's choked he didn't follow through with the gifts. Some one please start a conversation! Clear the damn air! and stop with the tunnel vision.

[Lexxi]

24 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

    This, and take the $150 gift card back, (don't even tell him), and go spend it on yourself.  And you're not bitter and pouting over a gift, you're peeved because he's completely disregarding you. If you were pouting over a gift you would have pouted when he gave you a gift card after you'd been dating more than a year - does this guy not even know you well enough to have a small clue what perfume you like, what your hobbies are, what sort of jewellery you like?  Gift cards are so impersonal, and from a partner they say to me, "I'm so busy thinking about myself I don't have time to think about you." He spent a $1000+ on his kids, no wonder he had nothing left to spend on you. I'm serious, take that $150 and flip him the bird when you do it. 

I wish I could take it back but I had already given him his gifts 3 days before Christmas, and he opened them in front of me. This is when he mentioned he had not even shopped for his kids and planned on doing it in a couple more days when he was free from work. Xmas Eve rolls around and he says he finally ordered from the stores but I recall some won’t be ready until this date (after Xmas), and that date (still after Xmas) so yes, he’s a terrible planner. But I’m guessing he knows he can wait because that was his last day with them for the holiday weekend until Sunday. So he knew they wouldn’t even be able to get their gifts until then anyway. I figured when he mentioned a few different dates, perhaps one of those were for me and it’s one of the later ones. But on Saturday evening, he said “he made all his pickups”. 

I just assumed he had something small at least and I would be getting it late. I know it was my mistake to assume it would be the same this year but it’s because we’ve gifted each other before during holidays and birthdays. There was nothing to indicate it was any different this year. And what I meant about me thinking we had a good year, there wasn’t any fighting or conflict, things have been consistent, we’ve taken nice trips together with the kids with some being his idea. So there haven’t been any signs that would indicate there was anything off within our relationship up until this obvious message he’s trying to send me.

 

 

[spiderowl]

Maybe a gift will arrive and he's just not very organised.

He sounds very stressed - why is he so stressed?  Does he have less time than you?  Does he have more responsibilities?

I can see that not receiving a gift of some sort would seem mean as if he does not care.  You could broach it with a jokey approach, e.g. "I can't seem to find my present, I wonder what happened to it?" (wink)  This would give him a light-hearted way to explain and then you can decide whether you accept his explanation.

Some people are very into gifts: it is the way they express love.  The same people usually expect love to be expressed back in the same way.  I don't tend to notice if I do not receive a gift.  Sometimes I find it puts pressure on me to return a gift to someone who I see as a friend but not someone I would normally buy gifts for.  It's not that I don't appreciate it, it's just less important to me than being able to spend time with them.  I prefer to buy them a meal out than go searching for something they probably don't need and maybe would not like.

There is another thing too, and that is how one is brought up.  I was brought up in a Protestant area where "good" people were hard workers who would help you out in an emergency.  Generally, people were not well-off so adults were last on the list.  My grandmother said "see to the childer first".  Children were put before adults at Christmas; it was all about the children having a lovely day.  

Of course, adults did give each other presents but a good man would ensure his children had presents and fun at Christmas.  My dad did try to get my mother a little something but both expected that they would put the children first.  I appreciate this is different from how most people were brought up.

 

[FMW]

3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I'm completely baffled by all these threads from women saying their man gave them NOTHING for Christmas and people telling them to "talk it over."

If they were ready and willing to just dump the guy they wouldn't have made the post in the first place.  Looking from the outside makes it easy to make a definitive and quick decision. It's not always so easy to quickly and immediately make that decision when it's your own feelings and your own relationship that encompasses a good deal of time and attachment.  

[Ruby Slippers]

Taking a look at the OP's posting history, every thread she's started going back a few pages is basically about her having to drag things out of him/chase him/settle for less effort on his part than she'd like. So here's one more story aligning with the whole history of disappointment. I guess some people are OK settling for this. In my opinion, all it does is keep you from possibly finding someone who'd truly appreciate you and show it clearly without you having to drag it out of him. For me it would be a complete turn-off and I'd lose all interest. I would have lost interest in this guy long ago.

[Miss Spider]

3 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Taking a look at the OP's posting history, every thread she's started going back a few pages is basically about her having to drag things out of him/chase him/settle for less effort on his part than she'd like. So here's one more story aligning with the whole history of disappointment. I guess some people are OK settling for this. In my opinion, all it does is keep you from possibly finding someone who'd truly appreciate you and show it clearly without you having to drag it out of him. For me it would be a complete turn-off and I'd lose all interest. I would have lost interest in this guy long ago.

Stuff like this is always just a tiny little byproduct/example of a much larger underlying imbalance in interest and dedication to a relationship/person, IMO. You only need to scratch the surface a little bit to find much more. 
 

And you’re right, some people are OK with it. I wouldn’t be

Edited December 30, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

Just now, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Stuff like this is always just a tiny little byproduct/example of a much larger underlying imbalance in interest and dedication to a relationship/person, IMO. You only need to scratch the surface a little bit to find much more

Yes. I can't recall a single time in my entire life, even going back to high school, that a boyfriend didn't give me SOMETHING for Christmas. I would be seriously like WTH? I would never not get my man something, either. Sure, some guys are way better at picking out great gifts and rolling out the red carpet. Some guys are less imaginative and more practical. But you at least give your gf/bf SOMETHING.

[Miss Spider]

Yep . You can hear the gears turn with the rationalizing some people are doing to come up with a “good” reason(“maybe he’s traumatized by Xmas”, “maybe he just doesn’t do it”, “he’s a bad shopper” ,“maybe he didn’t think you wanted anything!”).

 

 There isn’t one. 

Edited December 30, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Yes. I can't recall a single time in my entire life, even going back to high school, that a boyfriend didn't give me SOMETHING for Christmas. I would be seriously like WTH? I would never not get my man something, either. Sure, some guys are way better at picking out great gifts and rolling out the red carpet. Some guys are less imaginative and more practical. But you at least give your gf/bf SOMETHING.

Agree Ruby.  What's even more troubling is that Lexxi bought him several gifts which he opened right in front of her, after which he went shopping for his kids, but nothing for Lexxi?  Not even a card, some flowers, candy, nothing?

I mean that's just plain insulting.  

I think he's sending a clear message Lexxi, I would not ignore this, shuffle under the carpet or attempt to justify.  It's all BS.  If you do, you open yourself up to a much greater and more painful heartbreak later.

We are grown ups, any trauma we suffered while growing up, we take steps to resolve and move on from so as to be better partners.  Not just during holidays, a time of family, togetherness and giving, but all the time.  

This guy is just not all in.  I don't know your history but perhaps he never was.

God, I wish women would start having a higher regard for themselves.  Like I said, if they did, they would avoid a much greater more devastating heartbreak later.

I'm sorry Lexxi.

Edited December 30, 2020 by poppyfields

[lana-banana]

7 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yep . You can hear the gears turn with the rationalizing some people are doing to come up with a “good” reason(“maybe he’s traumatized by Xmas”, “maybe he just doesn’t do it”, “he’s a bad shopper” ,“maybe he didn’t think you wanted anything!”).

 

 There isn’t one. 

Where do you see anybody rationalizing his behavior? I see a lot of posters with theories about why this happened, but nobody is saying this is unremarkable or even normal behavior. Everyone seems to be in agreement that it's totally unacceptable.

[Ruby Slippers]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

This can be taken as "I don't care" and "I am dismissing your feelings". Guys just don't come out and say it, but he was wishing you would have given him some support/help him out. You just blew him off. He felt dissed, so it's no wonder.....

Cry me a river. I just googled "best Christmas gift for girlfriend" and came up with more than 10 decent to good ideas in 5 seconds - jewelry, silk pillowcase, winter jacket, bath and body set, wine, house plant, perfume, flowers, coffee or tea, cute socks, candy, tickets to a show, loungewear, lingerie... the list goes on and on.

[Ruby Slippers]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Agree Ruby.  What's even more troubling is that Lexxi bought him several gifts which he opened right in front of her, after which he went shopping for his kids, but nothing for Lexxi?  Not even a card, some flowers, candy, nothing?

I mean that's just plain insulting. 

For real! I couldn't possibly sit there and open all these gifts from my boyfriend if I hadn't gotten him a damn thing. I'd feel like the lowest of the low.

[Ruby Slippers]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

God, I wish women would start having a higher regard for themselves.  Like I said, if they did, they would avoid a much greater more devastating heartbreak later.

Amen. Just imagine what women could do if they'd drop these lame-ass "boyfriends" who are only making them feel like crap.

[Miss Spider]

The “ask him“ stuff really trips me up too. This isn’t a miscommunication. With things like this, in addition to just being awkward, I think if you need to ask the person why you’re probably already willing to accept whatever poor excuse they can conjure up. Save both of you guys the hassle. 

[Ruby Slippers]

14 hours ago, Ascending Empress said:

There are guys out there who will intentionally start fights and instigate negative situations/behaviors/actions towards their partner to sow discord in the relationship, because they want out. They will do it in this manner to make it appear as though their partner is the one who is disenchanted with the relationship - when, in reality, THEY are. 

This is the only thing that makes sense. He knows DAMN WELL how much this hurt her. I guess he's hoping she has enough respect to walk away, so he doesn't have to be the bad guy by ending it. But something tells me it's going to have to get even worse before she does that.

I'm sorry you had such a crappy Christmas, @Lexxi. You deserve better. But you won't find anyone better as long as you're spinning your wheels with this guy.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

 I'm completely baffled by all these threads from women saying their man gave them NOTHING for Christmas and people telling them to "talk it over." What in the hell is there to discuss? The man is a dud, period. I couldn't even pretend to be interested in being with someone like this.

While I agree in theory, it's also quite obvious that OP is invested and most are not that cut-and-dry after a two-year relationship, Ruby. It's not exactly realistic to scream "dump!!" at Lexxi when it's clear she isn't about to do that.

She is attached so we can't assume she will just walk away, no discussion, after she's put her heart into this relationship. Some might do so, (or might like to think they would) but I venture to say that most would not actually do it if they've stuck around for two years already. Not so quickly. This board wouldn't exist if people were able to extricate themselves so decisively and cleanly from unhealthy situations. 

So to you, OP: you need to look at bigger picture here and see that this relationship has consistently not matched your expectations. You have felt let down, unappreciated and under-valued for a long time. If you decide to stay, expect more of this. 

[Bye]

7 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

This is the only thing that makes sense. He knows DAMN WELL how much this hurt her. I guess he's hoping she has enough respect to walk away, so he doesn't have to be the bad guy by ending it. But something tells me it's going to have to get even worse before she does that.

I'm sorry you had such a crappy Christmas, @Lexxi. You deserve better. But you won't find anyone better as long as you're spinning your wheels with this guy.

Yes, this is what I think may be going on in OP's situation. I was in a 3 and a half year relationship with my ex BF who, out of seemingly nowhere, gradually began picking fights with me about the most trivial things and had started acting out of character, which he KNEW I would notice. Everything between us before that point was, for the most part, happy and normal (or so I thought).

On our last day together, he had started an argument, which led to him crossing the line with me regarding a personal matter I had told him about that had devastated me in the past. He actually took what I told him in confidence and had the audacity to use it against me to make me so hurt and angry with him that it would lead to me breaking up with him...which is exactly what I did.

Upon reflection afterwards, I realized that he did all of that intentionally because he was too much of a coward to be honest with me about why he wanted to end our relationship. Turns out he had been in communication with another woman online for several months before I broke up with him, which put it all together for me.

I hope this isn't the case for the OP. Hopefully, what her BF did was something that was unintentional and just him misunderstanding her. OP probably shouldn't spend any more money on any type of gifts for him or for his kids in the foreseeable future. If he asks her why she hasn't given him or his kids any gifts, all she has to do is say, "I already made all my pick ups" and be done with it. Sometimes, people need to experience what they dish out to others, so they can see what it feels like to be on the receiving end of their BS. 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Ascending Empress said:

OP probably shouldn't spend any more money on any type of gifts for him or for his kids in the foreseeable future. If he asks her why she hasn't given him or his kids any gifts, all she has to do is say, "I already made all my pick ups" and be done with it. Sometimes, people need to experience what they dish out to others, so they can see what it feels like to be on the receiving end of their BS. 

Problem with this type of tit for tat behaviour is that he doesn't likely care a damn about the gifts and so by withholding the gifts she would actually be hurting herself more than him.
SHE wants to be that close to him, she wants the happy family.
 
I think here he did not appreciate the OP playing lady bountiful early doors.
The gift giving was early, he probably thinks it was to force him to reciprocate in kind.
He probably does not really see her as step Mom to his kids, so this generosity on her part was not welcome.
Instead of playing the game and giving as good as he got, he resorted to giving his kids something special to out do the OP and to give her nothing in return to put her back in her place. Her kids are not his kids so he gave them nothing too. 
She is the bottle of wine and gift card woman,  the woman who helps with his kids and gives him sex, not a woman he is going to push the boat out for.

[Miss Spider]

I agree that it was probably not an intentional slight, like he was trying to purposely be mean or make a statement. I think most he didn’t want to spend the time and money and the relationship dynamic is such that he knows he doesn’t have to and Lexxi probably won’t have much complaining to do. just like when he stopped talking to her 

Edited December 30, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[smackie9]

Maybe he did do it on purpose to throw her off as he pops the question.