Spent $$$ on boyfriend and his kids for Xmas. I got absolutely nothing.

[Lexxi]

Hi all, it’s been a while since I’ve been on here. Things have been going really well in my relationship and it has progressed, the dynamic of our relationship is so different than how it was the last time I posted here. We have already met each other’s kids, have all taken some nice weekend trips together, the kids get along great. So this one just baffles me.

BF and I have been together 2 years. We’ve exchanged gifts before (including gifts for each other’s kids). So I thought this year would be no exception. I felt extra generous this year so I spent a little more on him to buy some personal items I knew he would like including a $150 gift card. Each one of his kids got $50. So close to $400. Our range in the past has been $100-$150 with $50 to each of the kids. Like I said, this is just odd because even our first Xmas when we were only together a few months, he still gave me a bottle of wine. He’s terrible at shopping so last year he gave me a gift card and a Christmas card with a short note which was cute. I figured if it comes down to it, that’s what I’ll likely get this year which I would have been grateful for.

I asked that he open his gifts when I saw him on the 22nd as we had plans with our own families on Christmas Day so I just wanted to see him open his gifts. That is also when I dropped off his kids’ gifts. He didn’t have anything for me but he mentioned that he still had not even shopped yet.

Xmas day (Friday), his plans change and he doesn’t end up going to dinner with his aunt’s family, our kids went back to the other parent’s home so I end up going to his place and just had a nice quite evening together. No present for me but again he said he placed orders for pickup that are not ready until the day after Xmas (just talking about gifts in general, not mine as of course I didn’t want to ask that). Then he proceeds to ask me what my kids are into nowadays. I assumed it was because he wanted to get them something. 

Next day rolls around (Saturday). We wake up, he had to head to work for a bit then he said “I’m doing all my pick ups today”, the gifts he purchased. We were also going to see each other again that evening. Evening rolls around and he comes over with nothing in hand. He told me that he did his pickups. Showed me a photo of the gift he set up for one of his kids right before he came over, a $1000+ set up. I don’t expect anything expensive, but goodness, a bottle of wine like 2 years ago, even a gift card like last year, a handwritten card, cookies… I find it odd this year he didn’t even get me anything when he has in the past, and we’ve had a really good year together. 

So he stayed over and left my house yesterday afternoon to pick his kids up so they can go home and finally open their presents from him (3 days after Xmas), including the gifts from me that they haven’t opened yet. I was concerned that my gifts weren’t acknowledged and didn’t even get a thank you or anything from the kids but now I know why- because they were just barely getting to my gifts yesterday. This is because he had them only up until Xmas Eve and they had to go back to their mom’s as it’s her weekend. Just in case some are wondering about the poor timing. So it was his first time to see his kids yesterday since Xmas Eve.

So here I am confused and extremely hurt. I was given advice to actually talk to him about it and ask why I didn’t receive anything but not sure what the best way is to broach the subject without sounding like I’m bitter and pouting over a gift. 

And we’re seeing each other again in a couple days as we’ll be busy with our kids and back to work. Do I wait and bring this up then, or just have a conversation over the phone prior? 

Also there could be that very slight possibility he’ll have something on that day so I don’t want to create any unnecessary conflict. How would you all go about broaching the subject? And I’ve also heard other advice to break up with him but I think that’s a bit extreme over gift giving. But it’s not even so much as the physical gift, but not knowing the reason behind why I was excluded abruptly this year.

[Gaeta]

I would wait till after the holidays, then I would tell him exactly how disappointed and sad I was that he overlooked getting me a gift, that I was not looking for something big but at least being acknowledged. 

[elaine567]

Like the last time you brought up your hurt and disappointment I guess he will say... "but I am just not that guy..."
You are just not a priority to him.
You want this to be so much more, hence the over spending on the gifts.
You wanted to be appreciated and thanked and to be seen...
BUT he is just not interested in playing happy families with you.

[Watercolors]

Find the center between breaking up with him and talking to him today about it. This doesn’t mean that you should stifle your feelings about how hurt you feel by his actions. This is what I don’t understand about people in relationships.

When their partner hurts their feelings, they automatically shut down and say/do nothing to speak up, thinking they are doing the right thing. But really, they’re sabotaging both themself and their relationship by not speaking up to voice their feelings. This behavior befuddles me. 

Look, his actions hurt your feelings. You have a right to voice your disappointment to him about how his actions combined with the bad timing made you feel. If you don’t voice your feelings to him, you’re literally teaching your boyfriend that his life and feelings take precedence over your life and your feelings and your kids feelings. You’re teaching him, that you don’t even value yourself enough so he shouldn’t value you either, when you choose not to speak up for yourself. 

I broke up with a former ex-boyfriend for the way he treated me on Christmas Eve b/c that was MY standard. I had cooked him a nice dinner, bought and wrapped his Christmas gifts. And do you know what he did for me? He walked across the street, bought a book about a subject that HE likes. He couldn’t even be bothered to wrap the dumb book, b/c he just tossed the book at me, while I was sitting on the couch. The book hit me in the chest. He said, “Here’s your Christmas present.” His actions infuriated me b/c he showed me through his actions, that he didn’t really respect me, that he wasn’t really that invested in our relationship long-term, and that if I stayed, it would be because I had low-self esteem, didn’t think I deserved better treatment, and figured he was the best that I could do. Well, I knew all of those distorted thoughts were wrong. He was a jerk and was not that invested in me. So, I broke up with him. 

All I’m saying is, communication is 100% responsible for the problems in relationships, I believe. When two people are in a relationship and they both refuse to communicate with each other, in order to show their partner that they respect and care about them, then both are responsible for the demise of their relationship. 

In your situation, was it just the poor timing, or was there a lack of clear communication on your part AND your boyfriend’s part. Did you tell your boyfriend that you were looking forward to getting Christmas presents from him this year? And if so, how did he respond? 

At the end of the day, you don’t have to break up with him, but you DO have to communicate to him how his actions of not getting you Christmas presents made you feel. If you don’t, you are responsible for the low quality of this relationship just as much as he is, b/c you are choosing not to speak up for yourself for whatever reason

 

Edited December 28, 2020 by Watercolors

[FMW]

If you've exchanged Christmas gifts before it doesn't make sense that not only would he not get you a gift, but he wouldn't even give an explanation why.  You said you've exchanged gifts before - did that include Christmas?  If so, it's reasonable to believe that (without a conversation about anything changing) that would continue.  Especially since you sent gifts for his children.  

I would definitely bring it up to him and see where that conversation goes before immediately jumping to breaking up (unless there are other reasons that have been building, then this might be the final straw).  You can make it clear it's not from a mercenary angle of just wanting gifts - it's what it says that he didn't do it if a previous pattern of giving had been established.  I'm not sure what the difference would be, but if the previous giving did not include Christmas, it's possible he sees it as a different kind of occasion for some reason.  Definitely talk to him and find out.  

Ok- I just went back and read that he gave you a bottle of wine the first Christmas.  Did you give him something? Not sure why that would make a difference, but who knows.  

[Miss Spider]

He’s inconsiderate because he knows that he doesn’t have to and he doesn’t care if it bothers you. He doesn’t care how you feel about it and knows he doesn’t even have to get you a gift and you will still be around, so why would he 

Edited December 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Lexxi]

I’ve given him gifts as well for Christmas. This is the 3rd Christmas together so of course I assumed we were going to do the same thing. We also gave each other gifts during birthdays and even the kids got birthday presents, so this is an abrupt change.

[FMW]

14 minutes ago, Lexxi said:

so this is an abrupt change.

Talk to him, don't wait. I can't imagine what kind of excuse he might have, but you need to ask.  Gifts obviously aren't a big thing (or at least shouldn't be), but the reason behind this change IS important.   

Edited December 28, 2020 by FMW

[ExpatInItaly]

This is concerning, especially as it was so different from previous gift-giving occasions. 

You need to talk to him and ask if there is something else on his mind that would make him reluctant to acknowledge you at all this Christmas. It's not about the gift, as you make clear. It's the fact that he has done a 180 and didn't see the need to give you a heads-up. 

You say you've had a good year, but this is quite a pointed omission. He obviously knows you would notice this; it makes me seriously wonder what message he's been too chicken-manure to tell you directly. 

Edited December 28, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Acacia98]

If I were you, I'd give this plenty of time: wait and see if he got us late gifts. I mailed stuff to people in late November and they still haven't got it. I think COVID-19 has impacted mail delivery worldwide. So don't do anything drastic. Don't rush to conclusions. Wait and see.

If it becomes clear that he really didn't get you guys anything, then you have reason to be concerned. Because that would be an unexplained change in his treatment of you and the kids.

[smackie9]

All it could take is "your gift hasn't arrived yet, I'm so sorry." But he expresses nothing. He needs a talking to about communication, and relationship etiquette.

Struggles with gift shopping? sure give him a hand. Doesn't know what to give you? Send him links. Before the internet I used to go to the mall, pick out stuff, and put on hold, my husband would pickup and purchase lol. Eventually we ended up not bothering with gifts, haven't done it in years now because, we hate shopping during the holidays/ shopping in general. This year we both sent cash to our nieces and nephews, and they were so excited about it. Probably will keep doing it from now on.

Tip: communication is key on both sides. Never assume. Have open dialog every year about sending amounts, expectations.

 

Edited December 28, 2020 by smackie9

[deepthinking]

Perhaps he has outgrown Christmas and is now quietly agnostic.

Perhaps his side of the story is how poor he has become and how sad he is inside over poverty.

[lana-banana]

I agree with FMW that the abrupt change is more important and telling than the gift (or lack thereof) itself. I don't believe this guy has just disrespected you your entire relationship and is doing this to neg you or whatever, but there is a reason and you need to find out what. Please talk to him, the sooner the better. There's nothing wrong with saying "hey, I feel a little hurt by this, what happened?"

[Lexxi]

I will definitely have the conversation with him. I just find it odd that he even acknowledged gifts a few days before Christmas when we were on the phone. He was talking about how he’s so stressed he hasn’t shopped yet, still figuring out what to get his kids. He also asked me “what I wanted/needed. I gave the same answer as last year, that nothing in particular that I can’t think of. Because that’s actually the truth and I really would have been happy with whatever he personally chose for me. I even suggested the whole shopping online and just picking it up. He knew nothing about this option so he was excited about not having to actually go inside- specifically one of those being a store he knows I like to shop at. This was one of the stores he went to on Saturday before he came over, to pick up new shoes for his daughter, so it would have been easy for him to just get a gift card then. 
 

Curious how I could bring it up though. I know I’ll likely say something like “I put a lot of thought into the gifts for you and the kids, but I’m a little hurt because I wasn’t even acknowledged”. 
 

But how to I even mention it’s because I didn’t receive anything without it sounding a bit childish and tacky? It would come across as “I’m pouting because I didn’t get a gift”, regardless of how I say it. I feel like that’s just how it will come across to him. 

[Poutrew]

Gift giving...? Bah Humbug!   If you want to stay with this miser,  don't get him or his brats anything for any holiday or celebration.  If he asks you why the well went dry, just tell him sweetly that his not getting you anything at all the last Christmas has opened your eyes to just how commercial the holiday has become.  It's much better, not having the complexity introduced by gift giving,  enter your life. Makes things lots simpler - you can get your own stuff, after all. 

If you happen to marry this guy, ALWAYS keep your money separate from his money... or when Tiny Tim needs a surgery, you might just wind up paying for  all of it (Or the family vacation to the Caribbean...).

Edited December 28, 2020 by Poutrew

[Miss Spider]

What is a possible good explanation for getting a gift from someone for you and your kids, taking it, but not giving back plz. It’s not like he can say he is morally opposed to giftgiving and it triggers him or whatever ridiculous explanation I’m sure some people would accept. You don’t have to “believe “ in something to understand someone you’re with likes the tradition . Gifts don’t have to cost a lot of $. He DGAF

Edited December 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Acacia98]

51 minutes ago, Lexxi said:

But how to I even mention it’s because I didn’t receive anything without it sounding a bit childish and tacky? It would come across as “I’m pouting because I didn’t get a gift”, regardless of how I say it. I feel like that’s just how it will come across to him. 

If that's how it comes across to him, then you'll learn something new about him, and that should help you figure out whether he's really the right person for you.

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, Lexxi said:

But how to I even mention it’s because I didn’t receive anything without it sounding a bit childish and tacky? It would come across as “I’m pouting because I didn’t get a gift”, regardless of how I say it. I feel like that’s just how it will come across to him. 

Nope. I would not give that a second thought. You do want to phrase it well, but you do not need to feel as though you're being childish or tacky, or inappropriate in any other way. Given the precedent of two prior years, doing nothing was not an option for him and he should damn well know it. I am really puzzled as to how this came about. There is a chance that he will still show up with something, but still we're a half a week past it now. I think you need to ask, "so would you mind explaining why I didn't rate so much as even a gift card this year?" And then be quiet and make him answer. Something weird is going on.

[Watercolors]

3 hours ago, Lexxi said:

I will definitely have the conversation with him. I just find it odd that he even acknowledged gifts a few days before Christmas when we were on the phone. He was talking about how he’s so stressed he hasn’t shopped yet, still figuring out what to get his kids. He also asked me “what I wanted/needed. I gave the same answer as last year, that nothing in particular that I can’t think of. Because that’s actually the truth and I really would have been happy with whatever he personally chose for me. I even suggested the whole shopping online and just picking it up. He knew nothing about this option so he was excited about not having to actually go inside- specifically one of those being a store he knows I like to shop at. This was one of the stores he went to on Saturday before he came over, to pick up new shoes for his daughter, so it would have been easy for him to just get a gift card then. 
 

Curious how I could bring it up though. I know I’ll likely say something like “I put a lot of thought into the gifts for you and the kids, but I’m a little hurt because I wasn’t even acknowledged”. 
 

But how to I even mention it’s because I didn’t receive anything without it sounding a bit childish and tacky? It would come across as “I’m pouting because I didn’t get a gift”, regardless of how I say it. I feel like that’s just how it will come across to him. 

Just tell him the truth. No pussy footing. No hedging. No putting your feelings second and his first. You won’t find out the reason he didn’t get you and your kids Christmas gifts unless you are straightforward with him. 

Just repeat what you wrote in this post. “I put a lot of thought into the gifts for you and the kids, but I’m a little hurt because i wasn’t even acknowledge.” But change that to, “because you didn’t even acknowledge me and didn’t get me any gifts or get my children any gifts.” 

Communication is 100% the reason that relationships fail. That, and the way both or one person mismanages their expectations for themselves and for their partner. 

The sooner you discuss this the better. Otherwise, stifling your hurt feelings will prolong the conflict and then it will explode into a “thing” and everything will get blown out of proportion. Right now, the issue is that his actions hurt your feelings. So you need to tell him that. Plainly and simply tell him that. He’s an adult. He can handle it. Stop hesitating because you don’t want to come across negatively for having hurt feelings. Everyone has hurt feelings. If he can’t accept that about you, then why are you with someone who won’t allow you to express your hurt feelings to him? That is not a healthy relationship at all. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Lexxi said:

 . I felt extra generous this year 

. Our range in the past has been $100-$150 with $50 to each of the kids. 

Sorry this happened. He has given very inexpensive, relatively thoughtless gifts the past 2 years?

Unfortunately this seems to be his attitude and style.

It's understandable that you are hurt, but unfortunately it was your choice, not his, for you to overinvest and go overboard with someone who's idea of a gift is a last minute bottle of wine,etc.

Therefore it will be tough to have a conversation about it. He didn't ask for or expect these gifts.

It may be wise to stop and observe this. You may need to step back and reflect . You definitely need to stop overinvesting.

Hurt is often the differential between what we want and what really is.

You can talk about your feelings on this, but your overbuying is your regret.

[Bye]

14 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is concerning, especially as it was so different from previous gift-giving occasions. 

You need to talk to him and ask if there is something else on his mind that would make him reluctant to acknowledge you at all this Christmas. It's not about the gift, as you make clear. It's the fact that he has done a 180 and didn't see the need to give you a heads-up. 

You say you've had a good year, but this is quite a pointed omission. He obviously knows you would notice this; it makes me seriously wonder what message he's been too chicken-manure to tell you directly. 

It seems like he did this intentionally so that she WOULD NOTICE it...and because he knows her so well, he KNOWS that she would be disappointed and hurt by his thoughtless and inconsiderate actions...and, he knows that she WILL bring this up in their next conversation soon.

So, when she does broach this subject to him, I wonder if he already has planned what he's going to say to her in response. I hope this is not his way of slowly wanting to end this relationship.

There are guys out there who will intentionally start fights and instigate negative situations/behaviors/actions towards their partner to sow discord in the relationship, because they want out. They will do it in this manner to make it appear as though their partner is the one who is disenchanted with the relationship - when, in reality, THEY are. 

I hope I'm wrong about this... 

[elaine567]

16 hours ago, Lexxi said:

we’ve had a really good year together.

From your perspective you have had a very good year together... doesn't mean he thinks the two of you have had a good year together...
Despite knowing you spent a lot on him and his kids he decided to not give you or your kids anything.
It is not about money as he splashed out on HIS kids...
It is not about time as with online shopping it can take minutes to arrange a delivery of anything from something costing hardly anything to a hugely expensive gift...
Truth is he didn't want to give  you anything for some reason.
Christmas happens at the same time every year, anyone who is not demented KNOWS a gift is expected by loved ones, any excuse is thus not valid. 
Even if he now shows up with something, his point is made.

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, Lexxi said:

But how to I even mention it’s because I didn’t receive anything without it sounding a bit childish and tacky? It would come across as “I’m pouting because I didn’t get a gift”, regardless of how I say it. I feel like that’s just how it will come across to him. 

And yet - does he seem to care how his actions here come across to you? 

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't understand why anyone would stay in such a one-sided relationship. This would be a total deal-breaker for me. I'm completely baffled by all these threads from women saying their man gave them NOTHING for Christmas and people telling them to "talk it over." What in the hell is there to discuss? The man is a dud, period. I couldn't even pretend to be interested in being with someone like this.

[Pumaza]

Somehow reading this...you seem like you are very....dont know...like you complain or mention every detail about what he did and ddnt do.

Somehow it looks like he showed you signs before that shows that this is not a surprise. Or that it can happen with him. But you may not wanna believe it.

Gift you give out of your heart.Not to get something back. But sure would be nice if he give you something.

I dont get it.He went to pick up the gifts but came with nothing?Why????

Or he got a big surprise or he having financial issues and find it hard to tell you. Two years is not long to know someone.You guys sure are getting to know eachother.

Why ddnt u ask him after he came with nothing the last time and let him know what you feel. Like now you gonna be spy on all his moves , or moody till after holidays?!

Just tell him when you guys are alone how you feel without mentioning that you got him a gift.But more like you thought he would get you and your kids something cute,also cause it means alot to you. 

If its your lover you must be comfortable speaking up and him to.get to the point. Instead of hide twist and turn...