Agreed to have sex with him and now changed my mind

[Watercolors]

10 minutes ago, MissPinkEyes said:

Yes exactly. He would have said something like "hey let's start again, can I invite you to lunch tomorrow"? Something around these lines with no drama. And maybe down the line if we got along it would even be something we would laugh about looking back.

I'm happy I put myself first and spoke my truth. It's the best to find out how someone is. But moving on, I'll never engage in sex talk this soon ever again.

 

At least now you know, that when the next OLD guy you text with, starts sexting before even dating you first, that you can see that behavior as a huge red flag. That you can see, that OLD guy’s intentions are self-serving: to have sex without any commitment. 

If you want to find a normal, reasonable guy, then set some parameters for yourself. And keep that checklist next to you at all times, as a visual reminder of what behaviors are acceptable, and what aren’t. 

I know that seems silly to have a checklist but when I did online dating for 5 years, I had to write one for myself, b/c of al the duds who I encountered. I had to learn to recognize the red flags and this was an easy way to do that (for myself). To have a visual list of what I am looking for, and what I won’t put up with. You’d be surprised at how efficient that list can make it to weed through all of the losers. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, dump this chump. And notice that your body was probably picking up that this guy wasn't the right person to get sexual with quickly--his response shows that.

One suggestion: lose the "apologize." You don't apologize for changing your mind about sex. That suggests you harmed someone in the first place. No apology needed. Te riht guy would say, "I get it. That's fine. Let's get together. I like you."

BTW: gaslighters notice the "apologize" thing and they see that as an opening, a sign that you aren't confident with announcing what you want. More important, you send a bad message to yourself when you apologize for something that needs no apology. You apologize when you cheat on someone (not that an apology means much). We do not want to apologize for deciding not to be sexual with someone--and this case someone we barely know. Doing so just messes up your own thinking about this matter.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, MissPinkEyes said:

He responded saying that me telling him that makes him feel like a sordid and basic person and that he understands my point but doesn't agree. That the getting to know each other at other levels would happen afterwards (after the sex)

Bingo, dude. 

At least he knows himself! I would delete his number. He doesn't know what he's doing when it comes to women and I wouldn't care to be his teacher.

[Emilyinroses]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Yes, dump this chump. And notice that your body was probably picking up that this guy wasn't the right person to get sexual with quickly--his response shows that.

One suggestion: lose the "apologize." You don't apologize for changing your mind about sex. That suggests you harmed someone in the first place. No apology needed. Te riht guy would say, "I get it. That's fine. Let's get together. I like you."

BTW: gaslighters notice the "apologize" thing and they see that as an opening, a sign that you aren't confident with announcing what you want. More important, you send a bad message to yourself when you apologize for something that needs no apology. You apologize when you cheat on someone (not that an apology means much). We do not want to apologize for deciding not to be sexual with someone--and this case someone we barely know. Doing so just messes up your own thinking about this matter.

 

Agree. He should be the one apologizing. 

Edited December 29, 2020 by Emilyinroses

[MissPinkEyes]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Yes, dump this chump. And notice that your body was probably picking up that this guy wasn't the right person to get sexual with quickly--his response shows that.

One suggestion: lose the "apologize." You don't apologize for changing your mind about sex. That suggests you harmed someone in the first place. No apology needed. Te riht guy would say, "I get it. That's fine. Let's get together. I like you."

BTW: gaslighters notice the "apologize" thing and they see that as an opening, a sign that you aren't confident with announcing what you want. More important, you send a bad message to yourself when you apologize for something that needs no apology. You apologize when you cheat on someone (not that an apology means much). We do not want to apologize for deciding not to be sexual with someone--and this case someone we barely know. Doing so just messes up your own thinking about this matter.

 

Yes thank you.

I didn’t apologize about changing my mind about having sex though.

I apologized if I gave him the wrong impression with the sexting and agreeing to have sex so soon that I only wanted something casual.

I do not need to apologize at all for changing my mind, of course. 

Anyway, I blocked and deleted him.

Edited December 29, 2020 by MissPinkEyes

[MissPinkEyes]

8 hours ago, Watercolors said:

At least now you know, that when the next OLD guy you text with, starts sexting before even dating you first, that you can see that behavior as a huge red flag. That you can see, that OLD guy’s intentions are self-serving: to have sex without any commitment. 

If you want to find a normal, reasonable guy, then set some parameters for yourself. And keep that checklist next to you at all times, as a visual reminder of what behaviors are acceptable, and what aren’t. 

I know that seems silly to have a checklist but when I did online dating for 5 years, I had to write one for myself, b/c of al the duds who I encountered. I had to learn to recognize the red flags and this was an easy way to do that (for myself). To have a visual list of what I am looking for, and what I won’t put up with. You’d be surprised at how efficient that list can make it to weed through all of the losers. 

Great idea thank you!

[Bye]

23 hours ago, MissPinkEyes said:

Met this guy online 2 weeks ago. We went on a dinner date and it went well and we kissed at the end.

After the date he started talking about sex and because I was attracted to him and it felt fun, I texted him back. So after a while we were sexting and he asked if I wanted to have sex with him next time we meet and I said yes. I thought why not it can be a good experience. We agreed to meet next weekend at his place.

But then now after saying that to him I realize the reality of it. 

Although he said he wanted a relationship and etc, I feel he is just looking for Casual Sex and nothing else. Nothing wrong with that, but that is not really me to do.

I mean, I love sex and is very tempting to accept it, but I always think about afterwards. 

The feeling of not knowing if I'll still talk to him, or he will ghost me, or will he treat me well after, plus the oxytocin kicking and I cannot then spend the day with him in romance, etc, kills me.

The thought that after doing it I'll be coming home alone to deal with it is too much.

So, I have changed my mind, but now how do I tell him that? That I got carried away but in reality I want a relationship and get to know each other and take things slow? He'll think I'm playing games with him. But probably it would be a good thing to do to see what he's really after, if the sticks around and go on dates or not. Or should I just block him and move on?

Thank you!

Based on what you have written here (emphasized in bold), I would say that there has not been enough time, emotions and/or feelings invested in this situation for you to be the least bit stressed about what you should do regarding your changed decision. 

Simply TELL HIM pointblank that you have changed your mind about being intimate. No explanation is needed! If he asks for one, just tell him you thought about it and decided that you'd rather get to know him better before you go down that road and that you want to take things slow. Then see what his reaction/response is.

A respectful, mature and decent guy will either be totally okay with your decision and will continue to date you, OR he will be totally honest with you and say that he's going to move on. A guy who's just looking for casual sex will have an immature and/or disrespectful reaction to your decision - and THAT will tell you ALL you need to know with regard to you continuing anything with him. 

Let us know how it goes. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, Ascending Empress said:

Let us know how it goes. 

She already did, a few posts up. 

[Bye]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She already did, a few posts up. 

Oh okay, I posted my comment without reading the thread through to the end. Thanks for the update on her update! 

[MissPinkEyes]

14 minutes ago, Ascending Empress said:

Oh okay, I posted my comment without reading the thread through to the end. Thanks for the update on her update! 

Thank you! And you were right. His reaction was the immature one and tells me everything I need to know and move on.

[Fletch Lives]

One of the biggest complaints women have about dating is guys moving too fast.

[MissPinkEyes]

43 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

One of the biggest complaints women have about dating is guys moving too fast.

Yes, but up until recently I thought that guys moving too fast was normal, like a "guy's thing to do", and that men are different than women.

Now I can see that guys moving too fast and not giving a shyt to how the woman feels and wants is disrespectful and a huge red flag, that they are only concerned with themselves. 

So, from now on, moving too fast = immediate block and delete.

Edited December 29, 2020 by MissPinkEyes

[princessaurora]

You should never apologize for changing your mind about having sex with someone. It's not like he bought concert tickets and you bailed on him at the last minute. That would merit an apology. Sex is a very personal thing and any respectable man should understand if you don't feel ready yet to share your body with him.

[stillafool]

On 12/28/2020 at 4:18 AM, MissPinkEyes said:

So after a while we were sexting and he asked if I wanted to have sex with him next time we meet and I said yes. I thought why not it can be a good experience.

Once you start sexting a guy and make it clear you want sex too, this is what is going to be at the forefront of his mind. When you pull back after all of this they consider you a tease.  Of course you have the right to change your mind but don't fail to see where he got this idea from and realize your part in this.

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, MissPinkEyes said:

So, from now on, moving too fast = immediate block and delete.

MissPink, that's a bit extreme.  If I had blocked and deleted every man that moved too fast, I'd never have any relationships, lol.

All you need to do is maintain proper boundaries and politely shut down sexual talk /sexting until after you've met in person, gauged chemistry, begin dating and become sexual.  Versus a quick hook up.

Every guy I dated moved fast, and not just sexually.  You set the pace by sometimes being unavailable if he wants to see you too often, offer an alternative time.

Many guys will come on like gangbusters, then freak and pull back.

Don't allow that, you set the pace, slow and steady.  Do not engage in sexting prior to meeting and becoming sexual.

It's misleading which is not fair to them.

 

 

 

 

Edited December 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[MissPinkEyes]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

MissPink, that's a bit extreme.  If I had blocked and deleted every man that moved too fast, I'd never have any relationships, lol.

All you need to do is maintain proper boundaries and politely shut down sexual talk /sexting until after you've met in person, gauged chemistry, begin dating and become sexual.  Versus a quick hook up.

Every guy I dated moved fast, and not just sexually.  You set the pace by sometimes being unavailable if he wants to see you too often, offer an alternative time.

Many guys will come on like gangbusters, then freak and pull back.

Don't allow that, you set the pace, slow and steady.  Do not engage in sexting prior to meeting and becoming sexual.

It's misleading which is not fair to them.

 

 

 

 

I agree, it is misleading. That is why I apologized to him.

I didn’t apologise for changing my mind about having sex, I apologized for giving him the wrong idea by sexting and saying I want sex so soon too.

[Lotsgoingon]

There is no such thing as "teasing." Not as in someone is a victim. Someone who flirts inappropriately is just someone flirting too soon and inappropriately. You stay away from them if you don't like that.

To endorse the idea of "teasing" (as if someone is mislead) is to endorse the idea that guys are pathetic and one-dimensional and have never interacted with real human beings, who change their minds or real human beings who sometimes flirt beyond what they are really willing to do.

Lots of people flirt provocatively and then back off and you turn your head and they wildly flirt again.  When interacting with these folks, the standard rules apply: pay attention, notice contradictions and red flags. If your head is spinning with confusion, leave them alone. 

 

 

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, MissPinkEyes said:

I agree, it is misleading. That is why I apologized to him.

I didn’t apologise for changing my mind about having sex, I apologized for giving him the wrong idea by sexting and saying I want sex so soon too.

The question I have is: why would you participate in “sexting” with a complete stranger. I still don’t understand why women do this? I did online dating for 5 years, and never did the whole “sexting” thing because I didn’t know any of the guys from Adam. 

I mean, I know what it feels like to have a dry spell of no sex. But, that can’t be the real reason you did the whole sexting thing and then “oops, I don’t want to have sex with you on our second date after all.” 

At least you take responsibility for leading him on. Don’t do that anymore. Don’t fall into the sexting/texting trap under the guise that it’s part of the whole courting and flirting process with online dating. It’s not. When you sext with a complete stranger, you are literally lowering your value to the guy by doing that. You’re telling him through your sexting, “I don’t value myself, so you shouldn’t either.”

And believe me, the guy won’t value you. He’ll be happy that you are fulfilling his sexual fantasies digitally for him, sending him dirty text messages or whatever. But none of that is real. The real courting and flirting happens offline. I guess I don’t understand why people invest so heavily into digital messaging for dating. It just seems like a colossal waste of time and energy, to date through text messaging and FB and Instagram messaging. 

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

There is no such thing as "teasing." Not as in someone is a victim. Someone who flirts inappropriately is just someone flirting too soon and inappropriately. You stay away from them if you don't like that.

To endorse the idea of "teasing" (as if someone is mislead) is to endorse the idea that guys are pathetic and one-dimensional and have never interacted with real human beings, who change their minds or real human beings who sometimes flirt beyond what they are really willing to do.

Lots of people flirt provocatively and then back off and you turn your head and they wildly flirt again.  When interacting with these folks, the standard rules apply: pay attention, notice contradictions and red flags. If your head is spinning with confusion, leave them alone. 

 

 

Au contraire mon frere, there is such a thing as women being teases. That’s been the norm since the dawn of time. Both women and men tease. How can you believe that’s not a truism? 

Men ARE one dimensional creatures, which is why women tease them. Men would rather sit on the couch with a beer cracked open, and watch a woman strip naked in front of them, then get off their duff and put real effort into wooing the woman offline. Does that mean that women won’t lower themselves to teasing men, in order to motivate the men to get off their couch? No, it doesn’t.

Women can be just as silly and shallow as men. I know. I’ve seen it in some female friends who go braless to flaunt their big breasts, in order to tease men. A woman did this in a social group I was active in. I’ve never seen so many men drool in my life, around her. She essentially was all boobs, no brains though. Not saying that all women who go braless are brainless, but she was. So, it IS true that women tease men sexually. How can you not accept this? 

The OP shouldn’t have sexted with this guy and agree to have sex with him b/c she was so horny and attracted to him after their first date. She is responsible for leading him on to think she’d go through with having sex with him on the second date, b/c she said she would and she sexted him a lot. So of course he’s going to believe her. Until she changed her mind.

The best solution for the OP: don’t do that foolishness again. Don’t sext, don’t agree to have sex with a complete stranger just because you’re lonely and horny. At least slow down and go out on some real dates first. Let the chemistry build the old fashioned way first. The OP’s situation is exactly what I hate about online dating. All the assumptions made from the other person’s texting or not texting; all the games played. Online dating isn’t for me. 

Edited December 29, 2020 by Watercolors

[MissPinkEyes]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

The question I have is: why would you participate in “sexting” with a complete stranger. I still don’t understand why women do this? I did online dating for 5 years, and never did the whole “sexting” thing because I didn’t know any of the guys from Adam. 

I mean, I know what it feels like to have a dry spell of no sex. But, that can’t be the real reason you did the whole sexting thing and then “oops, I don’t want to have sex with you on our second date after all.” 

At least you take responsibility for leading him on. Don’t do that anymore. Don’t fall into the sexting/texting trap under the guise that it’s part of the whole courting and flirting process with online dating. It’s not. When you sext with a complete stranger, you are literally lowering your value to the guy by doing that. You’re telling him through your sexting, “I don’t value myself, so you shouldn’t either.”

And believe me, the guy won’t value you. He’ll be happy that you are fulfilling his sexual fantasies digitally for him, sending him dirty text messages or whatever. But none of that is real. The real courting and flirting happens offline. I guess I don’t understand why people invest so heavily into digital messaging for dating. It just seems like a colossal waste of time and energy, to date through text messaging and FB and Instagram messaging. 

Au contraire mon frere, there is such a thing as women being teases. That’s been the norm since the dawn of time. Both women and men tease. How can you believe that’s not a truism? 

Men ARE one dimensional creatures, which is why women tease them. Men would rather sit on the couch with a beer cracked open, and watch a woman strip naked in front of them, then get off their duff and put real effort into wooing the woman offline. Does that mean that women won’t lower themselves to teasing men, in order to motivate the men to get off their couch? No, it doesn’t.

Women can be just as silly and shallow as men. I know. I’ve seen it in some female friends who go braless to flaunt their big breasts, in order to tease men. A woman did this in a social group I was active in. I’ve never seen so many men drool in my life, around her. She essentially was all boobs, no brains though. Not saying that all women who go braless are brainless, but she was. So, it IS true that women tease men sexually. How can you not accept this? 

The OP shouldn’t have sexted with this guy and agree to have sex with him b/c she was so horny and attracted to him after their first date. She is responsible for leading him on to think she’d go through with having sex with him on the second date, b/c she said she would and she sexted him a lot. So of course he’s going to believe her. Until she changed her mind.

The best solution for the OP: don’t do that foolishness again. Don’t sext, don’t agree to have sex with a complete stranger just because you’re lonely and horny. At least slow down and go out on some real dates first. Let the chemistry build the old fashioned way first. The OP’s situation is exactly what I hate about online dating. All the assumptions made from the other person’s texting or not texting; all the games played. Online dating isn’t for me. 

I agree it was a mistake to do the sexting and agree to have sex. Looking back is also ridiculous because it takes off all spontaneity and the organic flow of things between two people.

It would have been much better to go on a second date and let things unfold naturally.

But in this case I believe he is online fishing for sex, so went straight to the point after one date (he also make some sexual innuendos before our first date but I didn’t reply at the time).

I did the sexting because I was attracted to him and got carried away with it. It felt fun at the time I was doing it. But then I realised I could’t go back to before sexting and that’s when I came here looking for advice.

So my apologies to him was for that, for giving out the wrong idea to him.

But one thing is important to say here: neither me or any woman should care if a guy who starts sexting after one date values me or any woman more or less because she engages in the sexting.

HE was the one that started it, so if he values the woman less because she engaged in it, what he is actually saying is that he doesn’t value much. 

[Fletch Lives]

On 12/29/2020 at 6:19 AM, MissPinkEyes said:

Yes, but up until recently I thought that guys moving too fast was normal, like a "guy's thing to do", and that men are different than women.

You were brainwashed by watching too much TV. 

Quote

Now I can see that guys moving too fast and not giving a shyt to how the woman feels and wants is disrespectful and a huge red flag, that they are only concerned with themselves. 

They are brainwashed too.

[guest569]

Don't beat yourself up over it. Just because you flirt or sext, does not mean you will go and rush into bed at the next moment. Just because you make a plan, doesn't mean it will eventuate. you can change your mind about sex at ANY moment, and that's perfectly OK. If he cries and feels led on well, boohoo. 

 

Actually I've been in this situation where the guy changed his mind (has anxiety about a past pregnancy scare). Fine, things happen. Why are you all so outraged for this douchebag? 

Edited January 3, 2021 by smiley1
Ime

[Wiseman2]

On 12/29/2020 at 5:25 PM, MissPinkEyes said:

It would have been much better to go on a second date and let things unfold naturally.

Excellent. Ok, live and learn. Just do this next time.