Agreed to have sex with him and now changed my mind

[stillafool]

28 minutes ago, MissPinkEyes said:

He said yes of course, I want that too and to develop a friendship as well and get to know you better.

Sure, after sex he wants to get to know you better and develop a friendship.

[seany25]

I think that his reaction to you telling him you don't want to have sex, at least not yet, will tell you all you need to know about him.

[MissPinkEyes]

36 minutes ago, seany25 said:

I think that his reaction to you telling him you don't want to have sex, at least not yet, will tell you all you need to know about him.

Will tell him today and keep you guys updated. I have a feeling he is not going to take it well and will block and delete me. Well and that's all I need to know.

[MissPinkEyes]

37 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Sure, after sex he wants to get to know you better and develop a friendship.

lol

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, MissPinkEyes said:

I actually told him that I would like to know him better at other levels beyond sex (because at a certain point sex was all he was talking about). He said yes of course, I want that too and to develop a friendship as well and get to know you better.

So I thought I was being clear, and that because he said yes we would go on a normal second date to have dinner again or do some activity together (not sex). But what he did after this conversation was to invite me into his place for sex. 

So I guess he totally ignored what I said or pretended to want the same. So that makes me believe that is all he wants and I need to be direct and honest about it asap. 

In fairness to the guy (or anyone), any relationship is not locked into one point in time.  As soon as he started sexting you and you were open for it, things would naturally change.  His position potentially, his belief about your position etc.  Especially since you went with it.  In general it could mean this guy wants sex and only sex.  OR he could be a sexual person who leads with that and it could end up in a relationship (i think that is less common dynamic for a lot of reasons) but it is possible.  

What you should do in the future if this comes up is not roll with it, or be wishy-washy, and see what he does. Reassert at that time wanting to get to know the person better and see if they stick around--that's the only way to really know what they have in mind.  Also LOTS of people operate with short term thinking (even you did, to be fair) so he could not be thinking of the implications and is "rolling with it" in his own way.  It means he's attracted to you in that way, which was kind of a given.  Many people, especially guys, don't KNOW if they want a relationship after one date so they think in short term type thinking of what they want from you at least at this point thus far.  (which can implode the whole thing but they aren't thinking like that--just like you weren't to be fair).  Just like lots of life, if your goal is a long term type goal, you have to do what's necessary in the short term for the long term goal.  It just serves your purpose to do that.  It's a gamble and a risk to do the other because typically a guy will be more cautious of being crude or overstepping if he wants a long term relationship AND is clear about it.

Edited December 28, 2020 by Versacehottie

[MissPinkEyes]

34 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

In fairness to the guy (or anyone), any relationship is not locked into one point in time.  As soon as he started sexting you and you were open for it, things would naturally change.  His position potentially, his belief about your position etc.  Especially since you went with it.  In general it could mean this guy wants sex and only sex.  OR he could be a sexual person who leads with that and it could end up in a relationship (i think that is less common dynamic for a lot of reasons) but it is possible.  

What you should do in the future if this comes up is not roll with it, or be wishy-washy, and see what he does. Reassert at that time wanting to get to know the person better and see if they stick around--that's the only way to really know what they have in mind.  Also LOTS of people operate with short term thinking (even you did, to be fair) so he could not be thinking of the implications and is "rolling with it" in his own way.  It means he's attracted to you in that way, which was kind of a given.  Many people, especially guys, don't KNOW if they want a relationship after one date so they think in short term type thinking of what they want from you at least at this point thus far.  (which can implode the whole thing but they aren't thinking like that--just like you weren't to be fair).  Just like lots of life, if your goal is a long term type goal, you have to do what's necessary in the short term for the long term goal.  It just serves your purpose to do that.  It's a gamble and a risk to do the other because typically a guy will be more cautious of being crude or overstepping if he wants a long term relationship AND is clear about it.

You are right, I wasn't thinking long term at all or the outcome and etc when I was sexting him. It was fun so I was in the moment and to be honest it was fun and different.

I only thought about all that afterwards. 

My question was not if he wants a relationship WITH ME, but more if he is looking for a relationship in general and wants to see what we have beyond sex. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, I don't wanna have sex yet. Thought about it, and I'm not comfortable this soon. 

You have the right to change your mind at any point in a relationship. Women and men have the absolute right to change their minds about sex at any point. You don't owe anyone an explanation.  Just as you have the right to say, No, I don't wanna go to the bar with you ... or at the bar, you have the right to say, I am not comfortable, I'm leaving. 

So the same, you can change your mind at any point about sex. 

 

[Miss Spider]

This is why people shouldn’t “agree” to sex with someone before they’re in the moment and actually want to. How strange

Edited December 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree that the real problem here is that you're not 100% clear with yourself on what you want - a meaningful, loving relationship. If you'd been 100% clear on that from the get-go, you never would have entertained the sexting. If this had happened to me, I would have told him we're clearly on different pages, good-bye, block and delete, end of story. He made it abundantly clear - in a very awkward, frankly insulting way - what his #1 concern is: getting laid ASAP with minimal effort. These men are obviously a dime a dozen, which is why it's so important to screen very, very carefully before you ever meet someone, so as not to let these creeps muddy up your vibe, drag you down, and give you the feeling that dating is a sad, tedious, exhausting chore. As long as women are susceptible to these pathetic attempts from men to get laid with pretty much as little effort as it takes to line up a hooker for the night, men will continue to try it. So as long as you continue to be weak and unclear, you're part of the problem.

I hope you stick to your guns and don't waste anymore time with this guy. I think you can do a lot better.

Edited December 28, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[MissPinkEyes]

13 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

This is why people shouldn’t “agree” to sex with someone before they’re in the moment and actually want to. How strange

Listen, I felt really attracted to him too on our first date and felt like having sex with him. That is why I was sexting and agreed to have sex with him. From a physical sexual perspective only, yes that guy ticks all my sexual boxes. But I do have conflicting values and beliefs and I do not like to have sex so soon and without having intimacy at other levels, like emotional.

[MissPinkEyes]

3 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I agree that the real problem here is that you're not 100% clear with yourself on what you want - a meaningful, loving relationship. If you'd been 100% clear on that from the get-go, you never would have entertained the sexting. If this had happened to me, I would have told him we're clearly on different pages, good-bye, block and delete, end of story. He made it abundantly clear - in a very awkward, frankly insulting way - what his #1 concern is: getting laid ASAP with minimal effort. These men are obviously a dime a dozen, which is why it's so important to screen very, very carefully before you ever meet someone, so as not to let these creeps muddy up your vibe, drag you down, and give you the feeling that dating is a sad, tedious, exhausting chore. As long as women are susceptible to these pathetic attempts from men to get laid with pretty much as little effort as it takes to line up a hooker for the night, men will continue to try it. So as long as you continue to be weak and unclear, you're part of the problem.

I hope you stick to your guns and don't waste anymore time with this guy. I think you can do a lot better.

Thank you, you are right. 

Yes I do want a meaningful, loving relationship and I don't think I'll find that here with this guy that ignored what I said about knowing each other at other levels and continued the sex talk. That is not loving and meaningful, is in fact disrespectful.

I was attracted to him on our first date, that is why I entertained the sexting. But when I think about how he is and how I would feel after having sex with him, the attraction is gone.

I am telling him how I feel and move on.

 

[MissPinkEyes]

26 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Look, I don't wanna have sex yet. Thought about it, and I'm not comfortable this soon. 

You have the right to change your mind at any point in a relationship. Women and men have the absolute right to change their minds about sex at any point. You don't owe anyone an explanation.  Just as you have the right to say, No, I don't wanna go to the bar with you ... or at the bar, you have the right to say, I am not comfortable, I'm leaving. 

So the same, you can change your mind at any point about sex. 

 

Yes agree of course we can change our minds about anything. Actually there's a saying that "the person we were 5 minutes ago is different from who we are now", we are always evolving.

And thinking about my beliefs and values, this sex thing with him doesn't fit with it. So I am gonna tell him that, and if he doesn't like it, his problem.

[Versacehottie]

55 minutes ago, MissPinkEyes said:

You are right, I wasn't thinking long term at all or the outcome and etc when I was sexting him. It was fun so I was in the moment and to be honest it was fun and different.

I only thought about all that afterwards. 

My question was not if he wants a relationship WITH ME, but more if he is looking for a relationship in general and wants to see what we have beyond sex. 

I get it.  And maybe m/f (on average) are wired slightly differently so you have to keep your long term goals in mind so a guy doesn't blow it with you by the way they get caught up at the beginning. 

As far as whether a guy is "looking for a relationship" in general, i think if you are really honest with yourself, no one can ever answer that question.  If a person says they ARE, they always mean "with the right person" so in other words you can still get played.  If a person doesn't know or doesn't want one, they are not likely to be honest about it or EVEN know what they want.  And if they are truly honest with you and say they don't  know, you will probably throw away some genuinely good people just because you are looking for an almost arbitrary answer.  

I would not recommend asking that question and relying on the response you get in any big part.  A person's actions, history over even short increments of time and their patterns with you will tell you so much more and if they are a good bet for wanting a relationship.  Also why should/would you put all your cards on the table like that when you don't know yourself.  It makes you an easy mark for this stuff and kind of scares decent guys away.  Watch and observe is a way better technique for getting this answer.  

[Miss Spider]

58 minutes ago, MissPinkEyes said:

Listen, I felt really attracted to him too on our first date and felt like having sex with him. That is why I was sexting and agreed to have sex with him. From a physical sexual perspective only, yes that guy ticks all my sexual boxes. But I do have conflicting values and beliefs and I do not like to have sex so soon and without having intimacy at other levels, like emotional.

I guess I understand but I still find it very strange that he asked you if you would like to have sex with him next week when you meet up and you said yes. I guess I might just be way old-fashioned, but I thought (especially first time) sex was more of an “organic”, mood-dependent  thing. He invites you to his house, you guys are vibing, and one thing leads to another.  I didn’t know that it was something that people marked on their calendar”6:00pm: sex with Nick”. 

Anyway, I am glad that you have come to a plan. I agree that this person just wants to bang. You want a relationship. Probably not a match 

Edited December 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[notbroken]

Just tell him you are not ready yet.  "Straight up" / plain as day.   Tell him you may be in the future but you aren't really 'that kind of girl" and aren't ready to rush into it just yet and maybe you will in the future.  His response will tell you a lot.   He may say 'get lost' or 'ok let's go out and see what happens'.  

[Watercolors]

So MsPinkEyes, how about an update? Did you tell him that you changed your mind about having sex on your second date with him yet? 

[BC1980]

I would tell him you don't want to continue seeing him. He texted you to ask for sex after one date. That is not a person who is serious about having a relationship. 

[MissPinkEyes]

50 minutes ago, BC1980 said:

I would tell him you don't want to continue seeing him. He texted you to ask for sex after one date. That is not a person who is serious about having a relationship. 

I was reading through our messages before our first date and actually he was already making some sexual innuendos. I didn't respond back at that time, otherwise probably the sexting would have started before the date.

So yeah that just confirms all he wanted was just sex.

[MissPinkEyes]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

So MsPinkEyes, how about an update? Did you tell him that you changed your mind about having sex on your second date with him yet? 

Yes in fact I've had a very uncomfortable conversation with him. I told him that I think things went too far too soon between us and I apologise if I gave him the wrong impression by sexting him back and agreeing to have sex, but that I want to connect at other levels too and get to know each other more before we become intimate.

And also that I would like to take a step back if he wants it too and get to know each other.

He responded saying that me telling him that makes him feel like a sordid and basic person and that he understands my point but doesn't agree. That the getting to know each other at other levels would happen afterwards (after the sex), and I told him that yes maybe, but I need that to happen before, not after. And that maybe we just have different priorities.

And then he stopped messaging. Said nothing more.

[Miss Spider]

No. He is gaslighting you. He is being sordid  and thirsty. The only mistake you are might be making here is that you aren’t standing firm to your beliefs and principles (prob because you are attracted to him) when people behave like this and show you what they’re about , don’t engage with them, don’t try to change them. It won’t work.

Edited December 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[MissPinkEyes]

7 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

No. He is gaslighting you. He is being sordid  and thirsty. The only mistake you are might be making here is that you aren’t standing firm to your beliefs and principles (prob because you are attracted to him) when people behave like this and show you what they’re about , don’t engage with them, don’t try to change them. It won’t work.

Yes he was gaslighting me. It was all about him and how what I said makes HIM feel. Showed ZERO empathy towards me and how I feel.

Don't worry, this experience was a wake up call to stand firm in my beliefs and in what I truly want, and not engage in this dynamics ever again. I want a nice respectful man.

Edited December 28, 2020 by MissPinkEyes

[Miss Spider]

9 minutes ago, MissPinkEyes said:

Yes he was gaslighting me. It was all about him and how what I said makes HIM feel. Showed ZERO empathy towards me and how I feel.

Don't worry, this experience was a wake up call to stand firm in my beliefs and in what I truly want, and not engage in this dynamics ever again. I want a nice respectful man.

Lol yea and on top of that he has no game. He asks women if they will hook up with him days later when they meet up.  Maybe if was he was more casual  and played his cards right it would have  happened anyway , but his thirsty behavior might have  killed it dead ,.At the very least, you’re onto him now

Edited December 28, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[MissPinkEyes]

6 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Lol yea and on top of that he has no game. He asks women if they will hook up with him days later when they meet up.  Maybe if was he was more natural and played his cards right it would have happened anyway , but his thirsty behavior killed it dead 

Yes of course. He could have asked me out a second time, get to know each other more, and perhaps would happen naturally the way it should be. Not by scheduling a di** appointment.

I doubt it if he even has the self awareness to realise that. Anyway, I'm moving on wiser and smarter. Thank you for your help! 

Edited December 28, 2020 by MissPinkEyes

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, MissPinkEyes said:

He responded saying that me telling him that makes him feel like a sordid and basic person and that he understands my point but doesn't agree. That the getting to know each other at other levels would happen afterwards (after the sex)...

And then he stopped messaging. Said nothing more.

In other words, he just wanted sex. 

Best you know that now... A man who was really interested in dating you would have had a very different response, considering that the request to get to know the man BEFORE having sex, rather than after, is not an unreasonable request. 

[MissPinkEyes]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

In other words, he just wanted sex. 

Best you know that now... A man who was really interested in dating you would have had a very different response, considering that the request to get to know the man BEFORE having sex, rather than after, is not an unreasonable request. 

Yes exactly. He would have said something like "hey let's start again, can I invite you to lunch tomorrow"? Something around these lines with no drama. And maybe down the line if we got along it would even be something we would laugh about looking back.

I'm happy I put myself first and spoke my truth. It's the best to find out how someone is. But moving on, I'll never engage in sex talk this soon ever again.